Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Here. We. Goooooo......

I am doing something I swore I'd never do. It starts with putting myself out there!!!
It's not that I was looking or found a "new" me... It's more about discovering a piece of me that I never knew was there!!!
It's embracing another piece of me. Another strength.
It's work.
It's a hunger.
It's a desire.
Accepting the before.... while working towards the "after"

and I want to INSPIRE.....


I have officially been "heavy weight training" for about 5 months now.  I CAN tell a difference in my body.  Granted, it may not be exactly where I thought I would see the difference, but it's there!!!

My legs are firmer... my arms are tighter.... my butt...  well - it's THERE.  (I was lacking in that area before!)  ha ha

Some may see this as arrogance.... or some form of bragging or flaunting or how ever you might choose to twist and turn this...

But in my eyes... I'm PROUD
When I talk about it, it's not condemning you, but it's with passion. Passion for me. Pride!! :)

As women we look at ourselves every day and think "what we wish we could change"
We wish and hope and dream and pout and complain
but we NEVER do anything about it.
There's not enough time.
I don't have the energy.
I'm not strong enough...

Trust me. I've used them all!!!

But in the end, The hunger... The desire... The will to fight... The refusal to give up is what drives you!!!
You have to KNOW what you want and fight. Push. Never give up.

This is true not just in the gym, but in life!

I have set my mind to many things and pushed my way through...
It's always hard and some days hurt more than others.
But in the end, it's ALWAYS worth the fight and the strength you gain from it!!!

A little over a week ago, I did something I never thought I could do and SWORE I wouldn't. But I survived. And I came out stronger. With a new desire to take into 2013!!

So on this journey, my sweet B-rad (who's holding my hand along the way) has started me a YouTube channel... which I'm now going to share with you. (HUGE step for me... I'm not one for putting myself out there like this.... it makes me accountable!)  I will begin this at what I consider to be just the beginning for me...
I've come a long way to get to where I am today. But my first competition is my beginning. To a fun filled healthier stronger lifestyle that I plan to embrace every day

You are welcome to join me

I know I have limits, but I haven't found them yet ;-)
And when I do - I'm gonna push them as far as I can!!

Check out my competition on you tube. Here's the link to one video but you can see them all if you so choose!!  (search for BGPR Tammy Green)

PS - We ALL wore our pink socks to the competition that day..... Breast Cancer awareness socks!  :))

Friday, December 14, 2012

Dare to be Different.... my head is BROKE!!

Some time ago.... oh.... say about 6 months or so ago.... I took a couple of steps down a road that I had no idea would really change my life.   Not just on the outside... but on the inside too.
Several months ago, It began with simply watching better what I eat.  And although that part still waivers today (and I'm GONNA get more focused on that after the holidays), I also began lifting weights.
My main goal at that time...
one word....
I have NEVER seen abs on this body.
Now granted - I was skinny as a RAIL (thus the nickname "toothpick") growing up...  but skinny AND built...  No.  Never.

So - at 36 I decided, what better time to try to get back into shape.

And so began the work outs.

Here's where I took a turn.

I began working out with my boyfriend.  (and all his GUY friends!!)  THEY are power lifters.  I cared NOTHING about "power lifting" you see.  I'm not trying to GET STRONG.....  duhhhhhhh - I just want abs.   I want to see ABS.  Period.  (I don't know if you have ever heard me say this or not - but trust me... over the years.... I have LEARNED that abs are built in the KITCHEN)   Regardless....  I only worked out to LOOK BETTER.  Period.   That is all I want from this torture!!!

((Sidenote - looks alone is NOT enough to motivate you to the level you need to be!  I know this now!!)

So I went.  I checked in when I was supposed to.   I went through the motions.  I hurt.  I whined.  Whatever.   but I was seeing NO physical change.  And I was frustrated.

And then...... I did the unthinkable.... something I would have NEVER dreamed I would do!!!
I agreed to be in a power lifting competition.  Mostly I did this as a "present" for my boyfriend for his birthday because he wanted me to do it so bad.
((Sidenote:  I HATE getting up in front of people!!  but I LOVE him....))

So last Saturday...  I showed up.  All scared to death and having no desire to be there for ME.

The event began with benching.  I'm not real happy with my bench.  It's nothing to brag about.  BUT I can bench more now than when I started.... sooooooo here we go.   There was only one other girl lifting bench.  She started higher than me...  I benched 75 for my first lift.  She did 85.  So I was suddenly feeling defeated.  BUT I was quickly reminded I'm not competing against anyone but myself.  This FIRST competition was simply to get me in the game and to beat ME.  For my second lift, I did 85.  She did 105.  And missed it.  So for my third I went up to 95 (more than I have ever benched... 90 is my max)   But I missed.  And she again missed her 105.
SO I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I won FIRST PLACE IN BENCH!!!!!!!  :)

Moving on to dead lifts (which is one of my favorite things to do - and is ironically my boyfriends best event too!!)
I opened with 165.  went to 180.  Then my final lift was 195 - A PERSONAL RECORD for me!!  Yay.
BUT two other girls lifted..and one (who weighed more than me) Opened with 300 POUNDS!!!!!!!!
I was in awe!!!
And when the trophies were awarded and I got THIRD place in dead lifts (even though I PR'ed for myself) I politely said "This sucks!" as I got up to get my third place ribbon.

And I guess I realized then...... (as my boyfriend secretly already knew) I was hooked
and did NOT want to be defeated again.


So I entered the gym the next week with a new attitude and a new game face.  I was informed that I am now broke just like the guys.  Because NORMAL people don't TRY to pick up twice their body weight "for fun".  But that's what we TRAIN to do!!!  And then some!!! the words of Dana Linn Bailey (who is my new role model!)
 I'm not here to be sexy, I'm here to be a bad A$$!!!  

I'm GONNA dead lift 300 pounds!!!!

Goals for 2013:  (set early)   Dead lift 250, bench 125.   Feasible??

WE.  WILL.  SEE!!!!!!!!!!

For my next competition, I will compete for ME.... and to WIN!!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Never too old.... ZARK!!!

So my baby boy is a senior this year... Right... He's 17. Almost the big 18!!
Some may say too old for Christmas and SANTA fun

NOT in my opinion

I believe in Christmas magic
and I believe in the love and joy of the Christmas spirit...
And in this mamas big heart, as proud as I will be of my baby boy who will soon be leaving home for college ( we hope! Ha ha) I will miss having my baby at home


Time for some fun!!!!

This year, in true Christmas spirit, I invited The Elf on the Shelf into our home!!!

His name is Zark!!

Sure, I may not be able to convince Zack that he flies back and forth to the North Pole every night, but I will show him fun, Christmas spirit and lots of love for his last true Christmas at home!!!
But maybe, just MAYBE little Zark will still come back every Christmas... at least for the time my baby boy is home :)

He may think I'm crazy now... But by Christmas time he will be anxiously searching for Zark every morning
And this will be a Christmas he never forgets

Merry Christmas everyone
No Scrooges allowed!!! :)

Our first morning with Zark... He's already doing flips in the tree!!!

Thursday, November 22, 2012


In honor of one of my favorite holidays because it can't be killed my commercialism and is instead focused on all we have to be grateful for....
Try as they might to devalue this day, "Black Friday" on Thanksgiving night... I will never lose sight and gratitude for all that I am blessed with!!!

I would like to share a little Thanksgiving!!

I am thankful for being a mommy! I was blessed to become a mother 17 and a half years ago. I look back now and I am truly amazed at all we have been through together! Z saved my life in many ways and I have learned so much in watching him grow into an honest, caring, smart young man. I am thankful for the hard times we have been through and the honesty we have shared. I am thankful that he knows life can be hard but we are tough!!! I am thankful (most days) that he is me made over in so many ways!

I am thankful for my parents! I am thankful for being brought up in a Christian home by two God fearing Christians. I am thankful for their tough love. I am thankful that when I chose the wrong path, they prayed... and let me fall on my face and learn the hard way. I am thankful that when I am wrong, they tell me rather than being my "best friend". I am thankful that they raised me to always work hard and always give back and to try to see the good in everything and everyone!

I am thankful for my brothers and two great sister-in-laws. I know I could call any of them at any minute and they would be there :)

I am thankful for being blessed with some of the best friends a girl could ask for!!! My core girls, who have walked beside me through the ups and downs.... Some who have been there for many many years... Some whom have come into my life more recently... I honestly could not ask for better friends!!

I am thankful for my B-rad :). I am thankful that even after making some pretty terrible moves in my life, God still saw fit to bless me with a good Christian man who honestly loves me with all his soul. I am thankful that even after pushing him away, he never stopped loving me. I am thankful that I know what TRUE unselfish whole hearted LOVE looks and feels like!  There is no one I have more fun with or am more myself with.  He is my best friend!! 

I am thankful for my job and all my co-workers! As if I don't say it enough, I truly LOVE my job and all that it entails. It is entertaining some days and trying on others, but every day I'm doing something I love and meeting new people (crazy they may be! Ha). As for my co-workers... ALL of them are such great souls. I truly refer to them all as friends. Just as quickly as people I have known for years, they would be right by my side if I needed one single thing! :). I am very blessed!!  How many people can honestly say they LOVE their job AND ALL the people they work with!?

I am thankful for our babies (*dogs*). Bailey Shea, the ol' faithful brown dog and Zack's very first puppy... She's knocking on 12 years old and just as sweet as ever. And our new baby Dane, Lido Armani. I swore I would never potty train again. He wears me out but he is just precious. Thankful for both babies!

I am thankful for my sweet little cozy warm house!! It's not much, and sharing one bathroom with a teenage boy has its downside for sure.... but it's mine and its warm. What more do I need?! :)

There are a million other things to be thankful for... But I wanted to especially address these and say thanks to everyone I love, for loving me!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Remember, even on the bad days, there is ALWAYS something or someone to be thankful for.

We. Are. Blessed.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Hand me Downs

So I opted out of giving thanks every day on facebook.... not because I'm not thankful.... but because I don't think I could put all my thanks in a line.  Even spread out over a month's worth of days .... my thanks just couldn't fit in a status update!  (So I will share my list/blog of thanks tomorrow!)
I have so much to be thankful for!

But I couldn't pass up sharing this
"thankful for....."


I realized last night - that it's the things that we think shouldn't be handed down that I am most thankful for!  For they make me who I am today.
And will in turn make my baby boy the man he grows to be.....

........ so here we go.........

I am habitually LATE.  I am.  I blame my parents. (mostly my mother! LOL)   It's not that we WANT to be late.  I think we just have no concept of time.  And you would think that now working in a field where people being late is infuriating (and messes with my schedule) would change me...... but NO.
Now granted, when I have to be somewhere that affects someone else's schedule, I do try to make more of an effort to arrive on time.   (ON TIME.... not early!)
But the overall consensus is... I am late just about everywhere I go.
It is not malicious.... I think it's because I get so caught up in the moment that I truly do just lose track of time.
My mother handed it down....

and I realized last night..... - that I have in turn handed it down to my child.

When Z was little, he would always complain about us being late places.  It drove him crazy.  Actually - I think it still does!! (when it's MY fault!)  LOL
But last night - he had to be somewhere at 7.   He was leaving the house at 5 till.
with NOT enough time to arrive ON TIME.
**You're welcome Z!  :)

And are you ready for this...
here's the next hand me down........

As he walked out the door he says "Crap.... I'm probably gonna run out of gas!"
see that?!!
acknowledgement that the tank is on E!!
Which would in turn mean - I'm late AND I have to stop and get gas.  
In a normal person's world.
BUT - nope.  Not in OUR world.
Instead.... since he is LATE, he just flies on to his destination.
Or at least he tried to.  

I got a phone call shortly after his departure.... with a panicked
"CRAP!!!... this is not good.... I'm gonna run outta gas.  yeah - I did.  I'm pulling over if I can.  CRAP.  I'm outta gas!"
As IF this is a surprising turn of events?
He was late - walking out the door saying - I should have gotten gas
But being late, you try to push the limit.
And ..... well...... sometimes you get burned.
And he did.
Rather than stopping to get gas CAUSING him to be late... he pushed on.  With the logic that stopping to get gas would MAKE him late!!
Instead..... he ran out of gas anyway and ended up having to RUN (literally) to his destination.  Making him even later than if he had just stopped and got the gas to start with.

After his appointment with the gym was complete -  we made a trip that I know all to well........

Gas station.  
Fill the gas can.  
Off to get the vehicle.  
Then back to the gas station to fill 'er up.

As aggravated as I was....... what can I say?!!
Do you know HOW MANY times I have run my vehicle out of gas!??
let's just put it this way -  more than I care to admit
Thank goodness for friends and family!!!
And that's why I live half a mile from my job!!!Ha ha

I had a green cavalier at one time that I SWEAR had a bottomless tank!!
I ran that thing PAST  E so many times!!!
I miss that car ...... mainly when my gas guzzling HOG pushes that E gauge....

But anyway - of ALL the things I'm thankful for - I think "hand me downs" is one I have never acknowledged before.
I'm thankful for all the hand me downs that I got from being raised by two awesome God fearing Christian parents who always kept me grounded and made me learn about life through experience, not through sheltering me and petting me.  I'm thankful that when I was wrong, they TOLD ME I was wrong and they let me fall on my face until I learned WRONG is WRONG.

AND I'm thankful that I can look into the eyes of my son and pass on some of those hand me downs and know that I have handed down some good stuff myself!
I've been blessed with an awesome kid who has also been raised to be a God fearing Christian man and when he strays.
As was passed to me, he will get lots of love and prayer, but a firm hand at the same time to experience life and learn a lesson from every road he takes!

I'm thankful for ALL the hand me downs.
received and the ones I continue to pass on.....

Friday, November 9, 2012

Lions and Donkeys and Elephants OH MY!

As has everyone else I'm sure, I have seen so much negativity from the onset of election day to the end and beyond. 
We are a nation divided for sure.
People for Obama, people against.... people who know nothing about politics and people that do.  People who pick out ONE thing to focus on and people who just criticize an entire running platform.

I will refrain from posting my political views here....
Do you want to know why?!!
The election is over.
The choice has been made.
We have a president.
And the fact of the matter is - agree or not agree with his platform - one thing rings true.....

HE is not my KING


I will support him as my president.  But I will not put all of my hope for a future for our country in one man.
And neither should you.

No matter who is our president, we have to understand and know that God has allowed that
And rather than putting ALL your hope in a man - OR focusing all your HATE toward a man... how about you do this??

How about since we are all so focused on making America better.... how about since all we talk about is how the world is going to hell in hand basket.... how about since everyone wants to TALK and CRITICIZE everything going on around us....

Why don't we ALL do this???

FOCUS on YOUR yard.
What can YOU do to make a change?
What can YOU do to make this country better?
How can you help?

Instead of letting a man take all the responsibility - why don't you take some too?

Give to your neighbor
Pray for another
Go to church on Sunday morning and WORSHIP who you need to worship not WHAT.  (Not money, not your car, not your job, not the president.... not material things!!)
BE THANKFUL for where you are and what you have - but KNOW how you got it and who blesses you every day!

Instead of being mad or sad or whatever emotion comes with not getting your way.... instead - fill YOURSELF with hope - don't depend on someone else to do it.
Sure there are bad things out there.  We as a country may be in a rut.
But at the same time - there are plenty of things to be thankful for.

We ARE a blessed nation.
Believe that.
We ARE still one nation under GOD - whether people choose to recognize it or not.

The election is over
The choice has been made

Now - focus on YOUR yard and what YOU can do to make life better for you, for others, and for the children we leave this mess behind to!

A friend of mine shared a song earlier in the week that I want to share with you.   It's intent may be speaking of a church dividing - but listen to the words and it could very easily be used to describe the divide in America today.
We ALL need each other and the only way to survive is to work together and stop turning against each other.
Whether you be a Donkey, an Elephant, a lion, a tiger or a bear  :)

I hope you enjoy and it gives you hope for our future

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

From tween... to teen.... to real life?

We have all heard that old saying a million times....
"don't judge another, for you don't know their journey"

Do you remember being in high school and that's literally ALL people did???  We judged.  Each other.  Who's cool?  Who's not cool?   Who can you talk to and who will you NEVER talk to at school?
"WHAT is she wearing?"  "What label is that?"
"He will never date me, I'm not a cheerleader".
"I can't date her, she doesn't run with the right crowd!"
OH the terrible terrible judgemental games we played as teens!!
Even those that THINK they didn't judge because they WEREN'T defined as cool, and they DIDN'T run with that crowd... they chose their own path and did their own thing - don't lie.  By boycotting the "cool crowd" you too are judging!
Oh what a vicious cycle!!!
The sad part is - in all that judging - you have NO IDEA what is going on inside those people you are judging.

So you grow up (RIGHT?).  You graduate high school and you enter the rat race.  Real life.  Whether it be college or a job or whatever path you might choose.
You move on.
You leave those high school friends, and enemies.
Some you may see again, but most you won't.
And all those judgements and sleepless nights and worries melt away.
And all you are left with are the hurtful things that you said to another AND/OR the hurtful things that were said to you.
That's it.
All the judgement.

I remember I had a really good friend whom I loved dearly.  We will call her BETH.   I was, just as many others, a freshman trying to fit in. Trying to find my place on this new journey.   And I don't know how I did it, but I did.  I hurt BETH.  I made her feel like she wasn't good enough.... which is ironic because I always thought she was cooler than me.   I found a note one day on the bus that she had written to a boy I liked.   And it said "I think Tammy Green is a snob.  Do you?"
Now I can laugh (kinda) at the immaturity of it all.
But the day I found it, it broke me.   Mostly because someone I liked and thought was cool obviously didn't like me anymore....and I had obviously done something to make her feel that way... and she used the word "snob" about me??  Which was the LAST thing I considered myself.
I never asked her about it but we weren't really friends after that
We grew apart.
For many other reasons I'm sure.... but mainly for that one simple word - "judgement"
I judged her.  She judged me.
And for what???

It's funny - I see her on occasion now.... and ALL I can remember is that note.   Not the fun things we did or how far we have come in life - but the first thing in my mind is always that NOTE.  And as stupid as it is... it STILL hurts my feelings today!

You would think all those lessons we learn in high school would make us better people.  Actually some lessons do.  But what I don't understand is after all the judging and hurtful things that we do and survive in high school - why does the judgement continue?

Is it just the way of the world???

When I got divorced, the hardest part for me, as I'm sure is with many - was that "stigma" that comes with being "divorced".  People will think I FAILED!  I felt like everyone would look at me like I had done something wrong.  Like I must be some evil spawn that someone couldn't stomach being with forever.  And let's not fail to mention the spiritual wounds that diminished my spiritual walk because I felt like I failed and disappointed God too!

Over the past few weeks, I have heard story after story after story of things about people.... some that are good and some I wish I never knew.
But mostly - it has reminded me that judging others is sooooo hurtful and damaging - and just plain wrong.  We are so guilty of looking at others and being jealous or wishing we had the life of someone else.  How many times have you looked at someone and said  "He/She is soooo lucky!!"
And ohhhh how many times we look at someone and say "OH MY.  I would NEVER do that!!"
You don't know.
You haven't walked their path.... you're not on their journey.

Don't assume.
As good as life is for us all - it is also bad.  And hard.  And everyone hurts.
Remember - not everything is as it appears on the outside.

Just as much as you hurt and worry what others think or worry what others will "find out" about you - so is the person next to you.

Love unconditionally.
Pray for everyone you know.
And for the love of everyone around you - stop JUDGING!!

Focus on the good in your life and how lucky and blessed you are.
If it wasn't for the rainy days and the storms, it would be hard to appreciate the SUNSHINE!!! 

And for any of you young high school kids that might somehow stumble upon this page.... when you are in school, don't fret over if you're cool or not cool.  Don't think you have to do things to impress someone else.  Follow your heart.  Love unconditionally.  Treat others as you would want to be treated.  Don't judge your classmates, you don't know what they go home to every day!!!

Just don't judge.

Pouring my heart up and Linking up with Shell over at

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Be your own kind of BEAUTIFUL!!!

In honor of my mom's birthday today....

Thank you mom for pushing me and teaching me to be  ME.

My own kind of BEAUTIFUL!!

**originally published 7/13/11**

My mom gave me a picture frame that says "Be your own kind of Beautiful"
and it's stocked full of pictures of ME being my own quirky "ME"  :)

My mom gave me a necklace on my wedding day.  It's a little silver heart full of diamonds.  Something "new"  (she also gave me a cute little Alan Jackson pin to wear under my dress as my something "old"   ha ha)

My mom gave me a necklace on my younger brother's wedding day (which was before mine).  It's a silver dolphin, because she knows they are my favorite.... simply because she knew how hard that day was for me... not just watching my baby brother growing up, but knowing that I always felt that I would never find my other half.   That maybe I never felt I was good enough.

My mom...... my worst enemy growing up.... was ALWAYS my biggest fan.
She was when I was 7, she was when I was 13, she was when I was a horrible HORRIBLE 18  (sorry again mom!).... and she still is.

I look back and there are so many things that I learned from her.   Too many to even list and probably more than she will ever truly know.
But mostly... I learned to be STRONG and I learned to be ME.   Just as I am.

Tonight...... I stumbled upon this song and it absolutely brought me to my knees.
There are so many days in my past that I chose a wrong road.  So many times I made choices that only brought regret...
So many times I wanted to run away from it all and hide....

Leave the Light on

But my mom.... my biggest fan.... taught me to be strong.  She taught me to be ME....  She taught me that no matter what happens, NEVER settle for less than I deserve.

So now, I try to live my life leaving the light on.  I am who I am.  I believe how I believe.   I love with everything I have and I give everything I can give.  I'm an open book (my mom says maybe a little TOO open!  ha ha) and I'm honest!
And maybe I am too emotional.  Maybe I am too quiet.  Maybe I am too intolerant of certain things.  Maybe I expect too much.  Maybe I'm too impatient.  Maybe I'm too spontaneous. 

But all those wrong roads and all those "maybe's" ... well they make me who I am today.   And I am better for that.

Unfortunately - there are days when it just doesn't feel like enough.  Sometimes all those "maybe's" get the best of me and I think I should just keep my mouth shut.
Sometimes, I lose me.
Sometimes all the good that I bring is shadowed by something bigger.   
Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by others... their opinions, their "this is how it's always been", their judgements, their own way of thinking - making me feel like mine is not important.
And sometimes, I wanna run away and hide it all away.
Sometimes, the fight is just not in me.
I shut down.
Sometimes I just want to turn that dang light off!

But the truth is....
All I CAN be is me.  All I can do is ask for respect me for who I am and what I believe.

In the end - All I CAN be is my own kind of beautiful.

Not running
Not hiding
Not weak

Not depending on anyone but me and my light to remind me where I've been and what I'm worth

If that's not enough .... then you need to work on your own light and let me stand in mine......

Proud of who I am
Strong for what I've been through
and Beautiful for just who I am.

There is one thing that is never worth the compromise - and that's ME.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

My pen runs dry sometimes.....

I go through phases where I want to write.......
in fact I NEED to write..... It's so therapeutic!

and then I  LULL again.....
(perhaps that is why I can't keep a faithful following on my blog???)

I want to write - I like to write - I love to share....
(secret fantasy.... I would love to write a book)
I love to pour out my heart and reach out my hands for others.
It's who I am.  It's what I do.

But sometimes... the words just won't come.

So I read.

I open my blog and I find myself reading old blogs and thinking back to where I've been and just like the title of blog.... finding myself today on paths that I never expected.
And I can't write.
It's too much
It's overwhelming.

Like really OVERWHELMING - think about it....
if you could today go back and talk to your 5 year younger self.... what would you say??/

So many pits you could tell yourself to avoid.
So many decisions you might make differently.
AND so many things that I'd wanna say  "OHHHH just wait!!!  It's gonna be GREAT!"

Its so funny and amazing how it all makes sense one day!

In the middle of that journey, in the middle of those valleys you will pass through....
if only you knew how GREAT life would be in 5 years... or 10..... or maybe just in 1!!
If only you could see how those lessons are shaping you and preparing you for what's next!!!

It's fantastic!!!

I LOVE having a blog.....a journal of my life.  There is nothing better than going back and reading something you experienced 3 years ago and smiling because of where you have come since then!!

Sooooo....... over the next few days, I have some of my most popular and inspirational blogs prepared to REpublish!!!!  Some of you may have missed them the first time.  And some of you might just need to read them again!  I know I did!!!

Feel free to be INSPIRED!!!!!!

Friday, September 28, 2012

Actions speak louder than Words

It's that age old "saying" that we have all heard a million times.
Think about it....
Actions DO speak louder than words!!!

And no matter how many times we hear it, we still.... or at least I do - WANT to believe and see the best in people and their words.  Maybe it gives me hope for humanity... who knows?!!
But I have always found myself to be a pretty trusting person.

When someone gives me their word or promises to be there or do something - I guess I put stock in that and trust them. 
I TRUST their words.

And sometimes, the actions to follow don't coincide with those words.

Yet still........ I keep the faith and see the best in people.
Whether it be the same person over and over again.... or someone I just met
I just try to believe that there is good in everyone.

At least I always have....
And I guess I do still HOPE.
But then I ran across this quote and I got to thinking.......
yep.... how very VERY true.

And it doesn't pertain to just men in the literal sense (although all the man-haters out there can definitely take this and run with it!  ha)   Hey I just speak the truth  ;-)
THIS quote pertains more to life and what we see in people (mankind) as a whole....
Here it is .....
the profound quote to leave with you today!!!

 As I grow older I pay less attention to what men say.  
I just watch what they do.  
~Andrew Carnegie~

There are so many men people out there that profess over and over "I am this" or "I am that" or "I want this" or "I want that"
and I am learning........ NOT to put stock in that.
Sure I am still somewhat trusting and hopeful.  Yeah - I will still see the best in people.... I am filled with love and hope and optimism.  But it doesn't mean that I'm a pushover.
(and you are sorely mistaken if you thought I was!)

It also means that the actions that I SEE now and pay MORE attention to, mean so much more to me than the 10,000 words and empty promises you can spill.
Words can temporarily fill you with love and make you feel sooooo special.  
And words can temporarily break you into tiny tiny pieces in an instant (I have a teenager at home.. I KNOW!)
BUT there is nothing in the world better than someone actually SHOWING you every day that you mean the world....  not just saying it - but showing you.... actions.... over and over again.
Even if the words hurt sometimes... the actions have shown you otherwise.

And THAT is so much more comforting than just empty words.

That is what I watch.
That is what matters.

And when I focus on THAT........ I have never felt so positive and hopeful regarding everyone and everything in my life!!  I am blessed  :-)

And so are you.  
You just have to choose to see the actions that count and refuse to listen to the words that don't!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

This. IS. War!

And I'm not playing NICE anymore!!!!!!

I am a softie.
I am.
I get it from my daddy.

.... when it comes to animals
.... all things living
.... I'm just a big softie.
I could NEVER work at an animal shelter or anywhere where animals are abused.
I would take them ALL home with me.
My heart couldn't take it.

I can watch war and killing and maliciously EVIL horrific HORROR stories all day long and maybe cry. 
But throw in an animal being harmed... throw in a "Marley and Me" and I'm TOAST.
I'm a sack of weeping mush.   Really.

I refer to my dad as ... not the DOG whisperer, but the "ANIMAL" whisperer.
I swear.  His heart is soooooo big - I honestly believe a grizzly bear would crawl up in his lap and purr.
I'm that kind of soft.

But tonight.....
I'm over it.
I put that away.

THIS.  IS.  WAR!!!!!!!!

My house is clean...... I'm one of the most OCD people out there. Ask anyone that I work with - OR anyone who's been to my "house where everything has a place"   OR ask my son!  :-/
 (PLUS I got my new Norwex cleaning supplies now!!  duhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

On the flip side-  MICE have to be the nastiest dirtiest little GRODY rodents out there!!!

SOOOOOOOO   WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY are they invading my house?!!!   WHY!!!
They don't belong here!!!!!!

Last week, I found a few little mouse "drippings" (as they were referred to today at work - ha!) in my kitchen drawers.  Two drawers in particular.   So I cleaned them out and purchased some glue traps over the weekend.   Shortly after I placed the traps, we had mouse #1 and mouse #2.

Mouse #1
Mouse #2

I mean..... yeah - they are MICE and they POOP everywhere.... and yes - when I found them I screamed like a little girl....  But they are tiny.  And they looked so sad and pitiful all stuck in the glue... and panting...  STUCK there.  Couldn't move.   (and believe me - Mouse #2 was trying..  his whole head was stuck in the glue, so when he bucked, the whole trap lifted up!)  Those sad little beady eyes.... My poor soft heart broke.   So my sweet boyfriend, nurturing my soft little heart, took them outside and peeled them away from the glue and let them go.  (Away from my house of course... so that they would hopefully run away and find some abandoned building to stow away in for the winter!)

And at this point I'm thinking we are GOOD!  TWO drawers with poop.   Two mice!  DONE.


Where there are two - there are apparently FIFTY!!!!!!

I put more traps where the other two were... in the same drawers.... and then again, last night......  I opened the drawer and there it was.

Mouse #3!!!!

He's barely in that glue trap.  His tail is in the peanut butter and he's wrapped up in some gauze.   But while stuck there he managed to chew on some more of my tissue paper and my gift bags!!  GRRRRRRRRRRRR
Once again, my sweet boyfriend took out the glue trap and mouse (this time, not quite so cheerfully)...

So - after ripping mouse 3 from the trap and tossing it - I put my 4th and final glue trap back in this same drawer.   This time, I cleaned out everything else in the drawer... leaving only the trap and some flea medicine and some medical tape.   Hoping there would be nothing there for nesting...

Well - this morning - I got up to this.......
Little PUNK!!!

The little PUNK ate ALL the peanut butter from the trap and dragged it to the back of the drawer.  All the while leaving plenty of his "drippings" in my dang drawer.

So I'm over it.

My soft heart has had enough.

Tonight - I bought THIS!!!!!!!!!!!
No VIEW, No TOUCH traps!!!

See the BIG BOLD letters............... KILLS MICE!!!!!
while in fine print.... no view, no touch traps!
PERFECT for my war!!!
I don't have to see them.  I don't have to touch them.  And my poor boyfriend doesn't have to hold my heart while he rips them from that glue and sets them free!  Perfect!!
I'm over the mice.  Whether it be an all new mouse each time, coming from a pack of 50 perched up in my house - OR whether it might be the same dang mouse coming back every time.....
At least one or two have been caught - and it couldn't have been pleasant for them - right?!!
So some dumb mouse should have either known better for themselves - OR gone out and warned all their dumb little friends about the "House of Pain"

Because now.... they have started a war.

And I'm KILLING mice and taking names......

 Even if it IS with a trap that I don't have to touch them... or look into those sad little eyes after they are dead....
let the killing begin!!!

I'm done playing nice.  I gotta box up my soft heart for a minute!  (and give my bf a break from mouse rescuing!)  

Monday, September 17, 2012

Motivational Monday - new week... new LOOK!

Good Monday Morning all!!!!
Here we go again....
start of another week!!!

((only 11 more days till we leave for FALL BREAK vacation!!!))

I'm starting my new week with a new look!
Got my new "do" done!
Wanna see??  huh? huh?  Do ya??!
(if you're on FB - you already have!!! )

I  L.O.V.E. it!!!
it's short and sassy and my color is so fun!!!
I think I may need to go back and get just a little more trimmed off... not quite short enough - but I LOVE the style.... love the color... love the LOOK!
It's much more fun than the ol' pony tail I was sporting!

Here's the new "do" to start my week!!!

Side view - look at that ANGLE!
The front - hard to see the RED!

  Hope everyone have a GREAT Monday and a fantastic week!!!

Also - don't know what you did this weekend, but it was like Jack Hanna's wildlife at my house!!!

Caught this little guy and his buddy Saturday night.  I screamed like a little girl - thank goodness my big strong man was there to pull them from their sticky glue traps and release them back into the world.  (yes - I know they might come back - but I'm hoping the trauma of being stuck to a glue trap and ripped off of it will be memory enough to keep them away from the "House of Pain"!!)


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

To cut or not to cut??!

I know EVERY girl has gone through this...
well MOST of you probably have....

I'm debating.....

to cut or NOT to cut.....

Here is my hair now.....  (it's a hot mess in this pic - but you can see the length)
I've been growing and growing.... and this MIGHT be the longest it's ever been......

I work in a medical facility and wear scrubs to work every day.  It literally takes 5 min to brush and throw my hair in a pony tail before work every morning...  It's quick.  It's easy.
And I go to the GYM, and SWEAT....  It's easy to throw up my "pebbles" do on top of my head and keep my hair up and out of the way and off my neck.....

My problem with my long hair.....
It's LAZY!
and it has no STYLE!!
And I mean really - my style is nothing more than "Pony Tail"  
Don't get me wrong - I can flat iron the crap out of it and make it look all sleek and shiny and pretty  (CHEEEEEESE!)
But it NEVER....... NEVER stays that way for long.
it's up before the day is over...
on my nerves!

and I have WAY more pizazz than that!!!  HA!

I'm SASSY yo!!!!!!

So I'm contemplating the cut!!!

Here is what I'm looking at.......

It's a big cut!
I've had my hair this short before.
It's so much quicker to blow dry... but then I HAVE to style....  (my hair is not straight - it has a natural wave that is NOT pretty to be seen in public!)

No more pony tail

No wash n' go

I  have  to  STYLE!

But it's oh soooo SASSY!
and my Red will be POPPIN!!!

Whatcha think????

Cut or NO cut?????!!!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Motivational Monday.... Let your Light shine!!

Happy Monday peeps!!!

It's that day we all dread... the start of another work week...
Please allow me to shine a little light to get this started!!

What did you do this weekend??

Wanna know what I did???

I spent Friday night at the gym!!!
 Check my CHUCKS!!!    ------->>>>>>>

AND I got up Saturday morning when it was gray and rainy and yucky and would have been a perfect day to lay around on the couch and eat and watch movies all day.. and I took my butt to the gym!!  And commenced to working it off!!
Then Sunday - I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned...  (cleaned out the scary closet where Freddy Kruger lives at my house... THAT was a BIG chore!!)

My lower back HURTS.  My shoulders are sore.  My butt is sore.  My hamstrings are DYING.  And I have a bruise on the back of my neck where the bar sat while I did "good mornings"  (those consist of holding a bar behind your neck, standing straight up with it and bending forward till your back is straight - and then raising back up!!)
I'm walking funny, I hurt, I'm sore.....
And I've never felt BETTER!!!

People complain on a daily basis about how they look and how much weight they have/are gaining.... but then don't do anything about it!  Just complain that there is no time.... and I admit - I've been just as bad as the next...
but (with my GREAT motivation and pushing) I'm finally working out on a regular basis... every week, multiple times a week - and others may not be able to see it - but I CAN SEE IT!!!  I can feel it!!!  My muscles are stronger and tighter... and believe it or not - even when I hurt, it feels good!
Because I KNOW I'm making changes!
I know because I can FEEL my body changing.
The pain is proof that I am working!
And it's actually rewarding.

So on this Monday morning -  Keep trying.  Each day you get better.  Each day STRIVE to be better.  Set a goal and brag on yourself as you take steps in the direction that you WANT to go.  It isn't just self gratification - it serves as encouragement and motivation for all of those around you. 
Be proud
Stand tall
Encourage each other
Support each other

I heard the following on a movie (Coach Carter) and I thought what better way to start the week....

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.   
We were all meant to shine as children do.  
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Help me to pour out encouragement to everyone around me.... even myself!!

I hope everyone has a GREAT week!!!
Be GREAT today!  :)

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Don't live your life in FEAR!

I have no fear

I KNOW no fear

I don't know how to be afraid.

I don't WANT to be afraid.

I don't know if it's because I'm naive (a little..)
or because I have been through so much already that nothing scares me anymore! (probably....)
OR because my Faith in God is bigger than ANY fear here on Earth!!!  (yes!)

After my most recent sky dive, someone asked me if I had any fear??  If there is ANYTHING that scares me???
....and it made me think.

I jumped from a plane - TWICE!
I have a weird "fear" of drowning - but I went snorkeling and loved it!
No - no I really don't
(ok - wait - other than public speaking..... which is rather ironic since my degree has an emphasis in communication, so really... conquered that too!  kind of.....)

NO - I've never been held at gunpoint.  NO - I've never been beaten to a pulp.
NO - I've never experienced anything horrifying out of my control.
And in those cases.... I'm sure I would be scared.  More of the pain I think than fear for my life.

But as a general rule, I try to live life to the fullest.  Not thinking about what horrible horrible things could "potentially" happen.  I see the bright side.  I try to live and have fun and make the best out of what little time we are given here.
And be adventurous!

But I'm a mom - I should fear for my son....right??
But I don't.
I worry and pray.... and pray.... and pray....
but I don't FEAR in the way that I consider it to be a "fear"

It's not that I DON'T want to fear for my son.... but I guess I know the world can be cruel and tough, but I know that God instills into us all a faith and a resilience to know that he is bigger than anything else.   I've taught my son that.  And I hope I have instilled within my son a confidence of knowing that he has a mother and a family that will be behind him.   We love and support him - and knowing that he knows that, gives me a peace greater than any fear I could have for him.
So no - I don't FEAR for him..... I root him on.  I encourage him.  I fight for him.  I teach him right from wrong.  I teach him to treat others as you would want to be treated.
I worry when he drives.  I worry about his future.
And I pray.... A LOT.
But I don't fear - I trust that he is in God's hands.
And I know when he makes mistakes, they are to LEARN from - and GROW from.... not to be afraid and lay down and die and DEFINITELY not to turn around and make the same mistakes over and over again...
I teach him to be strong.
not fear!

As for me......
I live my life one day at a time.
I believe that God puts me where he puts me for a reason.
I believe he puts people into my life and takes them out of my life for a reason.
I believe that he has a plan for me.
I get up every day and do the best I can...

and if I jump from a plane... it's for fun.
Sure it's a bit scary when you back away and think too much about it.
So don't think about it.

But just the same as getting in a car every day....
just the same as taking a breath every day....
God has his hand on me.  And if he's ready for me to come home - I'll go home.   Out of plane, or asleep in my bed, or in a car accident on the Interstate.
He will take me no matter where I am
No matter what my plans.
And he will use it - to his Glory.

So no - I have no fear.
I believe just about anything is possible as long as God has his hand in it  :))

That gives me PEACE beyond all fear!

PS - I squatted my own body weight last night!!!  How many people (girls) do you know that can do THAT?!!
NO FEAR!!!!   hee hee

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

J -O -B !!!

My word for the day...
...along with a big big wake up call!

And not how you might think
So many people, what with the upcoming election and all, are talking talking talking about jobs, and the economy and the election on and on and on.....

Don't get me wrong, that is important - but I have something MORE important to talk about today.

J - O - B   JOB in a word.
PASSION in a feeling.
Mine - in particular.
(and in turn - yours too!)

I am an Ultrasound Technologist.

I have been a waitress, a bank teller, an admin assistant, a sales associate, a bartender....
In a nutshell  -I have always had a job!  A "show up, do your job, go through the motions, go home and pay your bills" kind of JOB.  No real passion
For anyone following my blog, you will remember that only a few short years ago - I left my full time job at the time, to go back to attend full time Ultrasound school!  This was a huge decision.  And a life altering one no matter what the turn out from school might be.
But nonetheless, I felt that I was in a position at my current job of going nowhere and my passion was lying somewhere else.  {it HAD to be!!}

As I went through school,   I - as does everyone else   - thought
"OOOOHHHHHHH babies!!!  I'm gonna ultrasound BABIES!!!  I'm gonna show people their babies and smile and oooohhh and ahhhhhhh!!!"

And I do!!!    But.....

Even after I learned QUICKLY that was not ALL I was gonna do....

Even after I learned there are OTHER things we look at....

Even after I learned (shortly after working) that there would be happy oooohhh ahhhhh days - and definitely NOT so happy, cry days....

Even after all of that
I vowed to NEVER be cold and heartless
to NEVER be that tech that doesn't shed a tear and turns a shoulder at sad news.
I vowed that EVEN when looking and scanning and "showing pictures" became so routine that I could do it in my sleep ( for anyone that does ultrasound - you KNOW that should never happen!)  even then - I vow to be PASSIONATE about what I do.

And for the most part - that is still true!

Now - don't get me wrong.... for those of you that work in health care - you know there are some crazies out there.  Heck - for those of you that leave your house EVER, you KNOW there are some crazies out there!!!!

But my favorite (shhhhhhh) moments are when I'm doing a boring arterial and I'm describing what I'm about to do to the patient and she smiles and looks up and says "You love your job don't you??  I can tell!!"   Yeah - I'm that bubbly on your nerves tech that you wanna smack when your having a bad day....
BUT I'm also that "love my job and will hold your hand and cry with you" tech when your having a sad day.

Sometimes I'm afraid I lose that.  Some days I feel cold and heartless
And then I read a story like the one I'm about to share with you.
And it REJUVENATES my passion for what I do working in healthcare.   It rejuvenates my faith in doctors and nurses and ultrasound techs and everyone involved in a person's healthcare needs.

It REJUVENATES my passion and keeps me strong
and it makes me keep my heart and it LET'S me cry with the mommy that gets bad news.... and also cry with the mommy who gets good news.

Some days are fun and some days are not.
What we have to remember is - the patient is just that - a patient.  A PERSON.  And they have a story too.  And the cold bitter shoulder - or the warm tender compassion you show them can make all the difference.

I am blessed to have a job that I truly LOVE.
I am blessed to have the interaction with people that I have EVERY day.  (crazy and all!!)

I believe I am where I am for a reason......
God placed that passion in my heart and God put me where he could use that passion to glorify him.  I believe that.

Please read the link I have posted below.
What a tragic sad story with such an uplifting, passionate and GOD GLORIFYING family.  Grab your Kleenex, you will need it.
And when you're done reading - say a prayer for that family - and then THANK GOD for all the blessings that he has given you.
and for those sad days.... Thank him for those too - because they can somehow be used for blessings.

It is Well with my Soul

My favorite quote from this particular blog -

"I am convinced His ways are not our ways. They are far better."


Linking up with SHELL!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Family Matters... yeah we're cool.... What?!!

Baby J, me, middle C and their wives.
I got all my brothers and me....

My son has told me time and time again how great our family is.

We are lucky!
It warms my heart.

I'm the oldest (and the only girl) with two baby brothers.  We are approximately 6-7 years apart from the next.  Making my baby brother about 13 years younger than me.  So growing up, me and baby J weren't that close.  Actually - me and middle C weren't that close either.  I was mean and jealous (and a bit rebellious) and middle C became someone for me to pick on  ;-)   And dress up like a girl.... and
**Story** convince to eat a banana- which I so lovingly placed a booger on... yeah - he threw up.  And still to this day can't eat a banana (MAN I was mean!)

So all added up - it cracks me up when we are all together.  Growing up so far apart in age and really not that close..... but VERY competitive of one another nonetheless.....
We are SOOOOO much alike, yet all SOOOO very different, and taken such different paths in life.  We have had ups and downs and round and rounds....  but all in all.... I'm so very thankful for my little baby bros.  They keep me young.  They keep me on my toes.
I still to this day don't believe that THEY can do anything I can't do!!!

**Story**  Thus why when I was DEFINITELY OLD enough to know better, my baby brother jumped a bike ramp in front of me in the back yard.  I used to ride bikes too.... it's cool.  I'm COOL.  I can do that.  So what did I do?   Threw on some too big tennis shoes of my brothers...
(cuz I was smart enough not to jump a bike in flip-flops - DUHHH)
and I JUMPED that bike ramp
(which was a recycle bin with a piece of wood over it!  Are you getting a mental picture yet???!!)
I jumped it!
OK - I more "road over it" than jumped it.
Because when you "jump" a ramp, apparently you pull back on the handle bars... I seemed to have forgotten that part of the procedure.
Which landed me flipped over the handle bars on my hiney, with a broken collar bone!  LOL
yeah - whatever.......  I still tried  ;-)

Big or small, laughing or crying.... mad or happy - I wouldn't trade them for the world.  OR any of the stories and inside jokes that we have to share.

I read this from a mother recently and it makes me a little sad that baby Z is an only child......
"You can argue all you want here at home, but when you go out into the world, you stick together."

"Be nice to your siblings.  
They are your best link to your past, 
and the people most likely to stick with you in the future"


I guess I'll just have to let baby Z borrow my brothers...... I hope he knows either of them would do anything in the world, not just for me - but for him too!!!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Breaking ground over here!!

Making my own rules and crossing lines.... it's my 'thang' right....

I have no fear........  I'm FEARLESS!!!!!
(plus I'm highly motivated and determined!)

This week - -   I'm crossing a line
it's something I never thought I would do...
but I did it.
I'm doing it.  Every day  :)

Wanna know what it is?????

I put my chicken on a scale and WEIGHED it.
That's right.
I weighed out my food!!!


I'm no crazy body building Arnold Schwarzenegger - looking to win some competition.... but I have been working out and building muscle and DANG IT - I'm determined to be able to see these abs I'm working so hard at toning...
to do that.... I gotta drop some BODY FAT!!!

"Abs are built in the kitchen, not the gym"

So I'm counting calories and carbs and sugar and....weighing the food
and dropping some body fat
and I'm gonna find those abs down in there.... hopefully sooner than later.

Another thing I said I'd never do.

Never say never!!!

I got this!!!!!!!

If you're gonna work out - you darn well better look like you do!

You don't get it by staring
You don't get it by wishing
You don't get it by drooling
You don't get it by hoping
You don't get it EASY
You get it by
getting off your butt
working for it
every second
of every day
for the rest of your life!!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Motivational Monday :)

Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug....
Today -  CHOOSE not to be THAT bug!!!
Don't let life run you over!
Hold your head high and face Monday with PRIDE and a big ol' smile!!!

I have recently spent a little time in my pit. (in case you hadn't noticed from my last few posts!!)  ha!

I read a book some time ago that I have lent out several times called "Get out of that pit" by Beth Moore.  Oh how I love her story... and that book in particular.
Anyway - she speaks of things in her life that should and could very easily break ones spirit and leave you in a pit... where you wallow around in self loathing and pity.
I myself have found myself in that pit from time to time.  Whining about what life (God) has "let me" go through.  Complaining because I don't have this or can't have that... Taking things people say way too seriously and letting those things break my spirit.

As I read my daily devotional - it reminded me of who I really am... and the things and people I have in my life to be THANKFUL for!!!  It reminded me of how far God has brought me and what he has given me and blessed me with.  It reminded me of GRACE!
And I got out my ladder and stepped back out of that stupid pit I had fallen into.

I would like to share my inspiration with you today!

Grace be with you.  I Timothy 6:21
Without sharing the entire story with you - I just want to share the line that moved me.
"What has happened has happened.  You can face it all with bitterness, or you can face it all with grace"
And with that - I realized... I have made mistakes, and I'll continue to make mistakes... in parenting, in friendships, in my daily walk, and in life!  People have hurt me with words and actions and sadly - I have done the same.
All that is left to do is forgive those who hurt me and most importantly - forgive myself.

And each day vow to pass along....  just a little bit of grace... a little bit of caring.... a little bit of blessing.... a little bit of hope... a little bit of inspiration....
THAT is what this blog has always been about.

Some of life's best gifts come in small undramatic moments.

This is a new day;  Face it with Grace!

Friday, August 24, 2012

I am NO parent.....

I am but HUMAN....

I must admit, there are times when I love who I am today because of choices I have made... I am strong, I am independent, I am successful, I am a MOM.
But there are also days when I wish I could take so many of those steps back.
They brought me here.. and sometimes break me here.....

I have walked down a road that I never expected to walk.
I did bring a child into this world at a very young age.
I KNOW how hard it's been and I KNOW how hard I've tried.  And I'm proud of that.  Because I know there are so many other ways things could have gone.

I also KNOW how many times I failed.  I know how many times I've cried.  I know how bad it's hurt....
And I feel it when the world crashes around me.

I've gone to the wrong places, I've had the wrong friends, I've made bad decisions and I've walked the wrong roads.... I have not and will not ever claim to be perfect.

so..... before you speak....
Who are you to judge?
 Do YOU want to walk my road?
Who are you to hurt me?

When you've grown up and moved away from home and can tell me you DON'T have nights where you lie awake feeling the guilt and pain from the heartache you inflicted on your parents,
THEN you can tell me how YOU were the perfect child.

When you grow up and raise children of your own and they never talk back and never break rules and never break your heart -
THEN you can tell me how YOU are the perfect parent.

Until then - don't judge me and don't tell me how you would do things different.
It just hurts.
I don't need to relive every mistake I've made.  I don't need to be told how I mess up every day.
I can only do the best that I know how to do...
One day at a time.

I found this from another blog and had to share........

You have not walked in my shoes
You have not been down my road.
You have not cried my tears.
You have not carried my load.
Why do you judge me?

You think you know my story.
You think you know my pain.
You think you know my future.
You don't even know my name.
Why do you judge me?

You were not there to see me stumble
You were not there to see me fall.
You were not there to pick me up.
You were not there at all.
Why do you judge me?

Copyright April 2010.  All rights reserved by Sam Bristow

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

If you can't say something nice.... then what?

Don't say anything at all??
Where's the fun in that?  Or the healing??

So I guess I'm breaking all the rules today.
Being politically "UNcorrect"....
Not biting my tongue.
Letting it all hang out. 
What's new there?!  ha
I don't intend it to be ugly - but today - I guess I'm just gonna write as if no one is reading..
quite frankly - no one probably is......
And maybe... this will be just another one of those blogs that gets lost out in the internet abyss.
Just a little open ended, having a bad day, wanna break something kinda blogging.

Today would have been my 2 year anniversary.

2 years ago I did "that thing" that everyone.... most..... some.... look forward to.  
You too guys....
Admit it.
Maybe not so much the act of getting all dressed up and walking down an aisle - but the security in knowing that someone has pledged their undying love to you.  The day that you honestly believe that there is another soul on this planet to walk with hand in hand.
The day that you put your complete trust and love and all your hopes and dreams into one other individual.  Forsaking all others.... and trusting that they feel and are doing the same.

It's the day that every LITTLE girl looks forward to  (I say "little" because as a young girl, all we know is to grow up and get married... we dress up in sheets and carry pretend flowers and believe that one day all our dreams will come true.  Then we grow up and realize, that is not ALL that life has to hold for us!!!)

You see....... 2 years ago, I fell into the belief that I had truly found a man who loved me.  Truly, honestly loved me.  And I had been fooled before.  Believe that.
I had waited and waited and held out on trusting a man fully with my heart.
2 years ago - I gave mine away.
Only to quickly find out - I was a band-aid... a piece of tape.... over a piece of gauze.... hiding all that was the "truth".

2 years later - I feel like such a fool.

Because now I look back and see all those red flags..... The ones that I ignored for "love"

And sadly enough... I see the path that has been taken since we divorced and I see he is doing the same exact thing to another woman.  Ironically - the one that he was wooing behind my back.
Another one that thinks... "Ohhhh - he loves me.  He's gonna be different this time.  I'm special.  this is real"  Because he makes you believe that is true.
On the outside looking in - it's easy to see all those signs... all those red flags.... all the warning signs.
And part of me wants to SCREAM at her and show her all that is being gauzed and taped and hidden with band-aids.  Part of me wants to warn her.....
Not to hurt him.
Not to judge him
But more to protect her.  And I don't even know her
But then I realize too  - that while he was wooing her while HE was married.... she was ALSO wooing him KNOWING he was married...... AS WAS SHE!!!!!!!
And I owe her nor him NOTHING.

2 years later...  I know that I am better off.
I know that he is the exact man that fooled me and BETRAYED me....
And I see that he is still that same man... walking the same path...
I KNOW that in 2 years I have healed and grown and have become a better woman for what I have been through....
I KNOW that!

And I know that I am now TRULY loved, respected and cherished by a man who knows me and believes in me and loves me like that other man NEVER did.

I am TRULY loved......
and I'm lucky.  And thankful for that.
I'm thankful to know what real, honest, love you above all others LOVE really feels like.

But I am really struggling today with letting go of the anger towards a man who robbed me of that infamous little girl day "dressed in sheets and carrying my fake flowers down the aisle"

And honestly today..... I should be celebrating and thankful that I got out when I did

I never thought I would have to say that.
I guess no one does.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Just a cruisin'.....

And ...... we're back!
From a fabulously awesome.. sunshiny.. blue water.. Caribbean.. relaxing.. carefree.. week away!!!
The best part and another reason why  I 
L. O. V.  E.  my job.... I love the people I work with and what I do - but I could actually walk away from work on Friday and not think a thing about work until I got back this morning!!!  (at 7 am... blahhhhhh)  THAT my friends .... is a VACATION!!!!!
AND a much needed resting of the mind body and soul..... I've had a rough year!!  :-/
couldn't have picked a better person to spend it with.

We laughed... we tanned.... we played in the casino.... we snorkeled....  we made fun of people (WHAT?!!)... we made memories.... we bought souvenirs for all those we love....  we slept in.... we ate.. and ATE.... and ATE.... we watched shows.... we played Bingo (LOL).... we fell in love with our cruise director and assistant cruise director - for they were quite possibly BIGGER smart butts than we!...

I don't know how many of you have or haven't cruised before  - but I highly recommend it!
We plan to take Z man for graduation next year and I'm HOPING (fingers crossed) it can be a family affair - I mean the WHOLE big family!  I'm planning in my head already!!  :-)

Anywho.... please allow me to share some of our funnies and highlights!  :-)    There are soooo MANY!!

As you may or may not know - on a (Carnival) cruise, you sign up for dinner in the dining room each night.  At dinner, you are randomly placed with others to enjoy your dinner!  WE were luckily placed with "mouse" and "music man" as we so lovingly referred to them  :)  **yes - that is the kind way we referred to them...I won't tell you the ugly names!  I don't wanna ruin my sweet reputation**
So anyway - first night at dinner, we are seated with this lovely young newlywed couple.  They were very friendly... and chatty.... and inquisitive... and chatty.....asked a lot of questions etc.   But within 5 minutes of being at the table and the first real interaction, I was spent.
On a cruise, you are presented with an every day menu and a special dinner menu that changes every night.  On that special menu are exotic things that you might not venture to try any other time.  Each night there was an appetizer.... Above it was the word "DIDJA" in bold capital letters.  Below it - were the words "didja ever wanna try???"  and below that, a few line spaces below that was an appetizer that would be considered edgy.  Something you wouldn't pay just to try under normal circumstances.   Well... On this particular night, the appetizer listed under the above mentioned lines was "Escargot" with a description of course of SNAILS!!!   When we were seated, mouse was eating an appetizer (as we were a bit late for dinner) - I said "OH - are you trying the escargot?"  Mouses reply.... "NO - it's the DIDJA.   I'm not sure what it is, but I think it's some kind of mushroom"
And THIS is who we are to enjoy dinner with each night.
A lovely lady at the table to my right leaned over and said to me... "it's the escargot"
At that point - I raised my hand and asked to be moved to HER table!!!!!
being the sweet lovely patient person I am - we endured the next night of dinner with mouse and music man.  It was after all "FORMAL" night and I didn't want to miss out on wearing my new dress!  So we joined them again....  I can't even begin to share the conversations.... I erased them immediately from taking up space in my head as we walked out the door.
That was the last night we ate in the dining room.
FORMAL NIGHT -   also known as the ONLY night I fixed my hair on the cruise!  HA!
But we did dress up nice!  :)

Moving on........

One of my favorite and most anticipated events of the cruise was ....... snorkeling.  It was AWESOME!!!  Don't get me wrong - it took a bit of getting used to - I mean you are forcing yourself to essentially breathe while your face is submerged in water.  And when you breathe through that snorkel, you DEFINITELY sound like Darth Vader...  so in the beginning when I tried to breathe, I laughed.  That doesn't fair well with a mask on your face.   Needless to say - I swallowed a bit of the ocean there in Grand Turk!   And SPOILER ALERT...... although snorkeling was awesome and we saw some pretty cool fish... and coral... and anemone... Under water does NOT look like this......   
CURSE you NEMO!!!!!
I look more like THIS - big ol' dork!  Stylin!!
And the sea.... a bit more like THIS

And THIS!!!!

Don't get me wrong - it's GORGEOUS - just don't head in expecting NEMO....  LOL

So not to get into too much more detail about the rest......  we had emergency training at "Muster Station C" (we were supposed to be in B!) with Rob Schneider (well..... I think it was Rob's Latino twin!!  We later saw him rockin the bass in an old school rock band in the casino - GO Rob!!!)  LOL

We saw a 12 year old "sassy pants" WHITE girl - ROCKING some Christina Aguilara like it was her JOB!!  I mean - NObody can karaoke Christina - but this little 12 year old brought down the house!!!

We witnessed a "Hairy chest contest" that was not fit for public TV....  3 girls judged.... the men had to dance with the first girl, let the 2nd girl feel the "hairy", and the 3rd (the grandma from the crowd) sniffed their armpits.... oh YES she did!!!!!!!

I could go on and on....
but you get the idea.
FUN was to be had by all!
And there is NO such thing as embarrassment.... our cruise director and assistant held nothing back!!!  

All in all....... our ship was AWESOME!  Our cabin steward was fantastic.  (his name was Alexis, but he said we could call him "Allstate" - cause we're "in good hands"   I called him ALLSTAR!  lol).   Food was good.  Beaches were gorgeous.  Weather was perfect.

a MUCH MUCH needed fantastic vacation.

Here's one of our pet towel animals "Allstar" left each night  :)

Have a great week!

Bon Voyage Caribbean
Hello real life!