Good girl... gone Bad... gone MOM?!

There are many things in my life that I have screwed up.
I have made my FAIR share of mistakes for sure!

I look back now and think "What in the world was I thinking?"
I have told my mother "I'm sorry" on numerous occasions!!

Out of all the "mistakes" I made - one affected me more than anything else ever would!
This is something I really haven't ever shared on here - I don't think... not like this anyway.  Not just raw and unleashed.... facts.
Emotionally raw facts.

Let me preface it by saying this before people start GASPING for air!!!
My CHILD is not a mistake.  And I will NEVER refer to him as such.  He was, and is, and will forever be the BEST gift I could ever have.
Let's just get that CLEAR now before I go on......

The mistake however comes from my blatant disregard of being told ALL MY LIFE that other things are WAY more important than boys and dating and SEX.
So I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and lived my life - with no regard to anything anyone else said.

Also with no regard to what my future might hold if I put my focus in the right places and on the right things.
But alas - I didn't.

And I got pregnant.

With my job now, I see girl after girl come in for ultrasounds of babies.
Some planned pregnancies and some not....
Some married and older
and some not married and just babies themselves....

Some days it doesn't bother me... because it's my job  - and I'm genuinely happy for people.
Having a baby TRULY is a miracle.
But some days -  it scratches a nerve.
And it takes me back....

and... well... some days it brings me to my knees.

So - what do I do when I'm filled with emotions that I don't know what to do with?!
I share them....
in hopes that it will touch someone out there and make some sort of an impact or difference in someone else's life.

So here we go.

I was 18 when I got pregnant.  Yes.
18. 
A statistic.  
A "teen pregnancy"
I was just out of high school and guess what - I wasn't married.
I wore a big large SCARLET LETTER above my head.
I know it was an embarrassment to my parents.
And I don't mean that in an UGLY way either... it's just that I was raised in church every time the doors were open.
Being pregnant and not married is kind of a dead give away that you have "had sex out of wedlock"

So I was 18.   I had already moved out on my own.  I had worked from the time I was 16.
I was and still AM a very head strong INDEPENDENT girl (thank you ~again~ to my mother for putting that in my genes)
So when I found out I was pregnant - the baby's dad asked if I wanted to get married   My reply was simple "If I wasn't pregnant right now, would you be asking?  NO?  Then no is the answer"
And I left it at that.
We did continue to live together.
I worked up until the day before my baby boy was born.
The father jumped from job to job and I'm sure never attended one doctor appointment with me.
At the time, I couldn't have cared less.
Because you see in my mind... I was doing what was to be done.
Abortion was NEVER an option.
So the day I found out I was pregnant, I basically went from 18 to 28 overnight.  I had to.
There was a job to do and someone to take care of and so that is what I did.

Looking back now - I realize I took all of the emotion out and just did what needed to be done.
What HAD to be done.
Very technical.... Point A to Point B.  Go through the motions.
Don't get me wrong.  I love that little (now grown) boy... but at that time, I do believe I took emotion out in order to keep from breaking down.  I think it was a defense mechanism.
I don't even remember an ultrasound with him.
I didn't know if he was a boy or girl.   Not because I wanted to be surprised... but because honestly, I didn't know to ask?  (mind you - I knew deep down, "mother's intuition" that he was a boy... I only had a boys name picked out when I went to the hospital... I just knew.  Good thing I was right!)
I scan people EVERY day now and I don't even remember having my OWN ultrasound.
I find myself just telling people that I didn't find out what I was having.
Cause I didn't....
Never mind that I COULD have if I had known to ask!!

I went to all my doctor visits
and I took my vitamins
and I watched what I ate
and I didn't drink
and I did all the "do's" and "don'ts"
.......but I don't remember my belly moving, or seeing him for the first time on an ultrasound machine.  I don't remember wanting to know or even asking if I could find out the gender.  I just know I went to the doctor and they would tell me everything looked fine and I would just keep fighting... for HIM.
That's all I knew to do.

I didn't KNOW to be scared that something could be wrong.
I didn't KNOW to be scared of premature labor.
I didn't KNOW the MILLIONS of things that COULD go wrong.
I didn't KNOW to be scared.
I didn't know there was anything to be scared of.

I also didn't know.....

.... that on May 14, 1995 my life would be forever changed.
I didn't know that on that Mother's Day I would be given a gift that would not only change my life forever, but my heart too.
I didn't know..... until I held him in my arms.

Yes - I was a teen pregnancy.  We see them all the time.  And it is sad how people these days have no regard to teaching their children what is priority and what is not.   Or maybe we do try to teach them in a world full of self-indulgent people that feel like the world owes them something.
How did we raise a society that believes getting pregnant and living on welfare and letting someone else pay our bills is ok?

I am living proof that YOU can work and take care of your baby.
Yes - I did have a medical card while I was pregnant.  But I was also working 40+ hours a week paying taxes to cover that benefit that I was very lucky and thankful to have.
I digress....... THAT topic is for another blog!

Let's teach our kids that the world does NOT owe them something.  Let's teach them to WORK for what they have.  Let's teach them that it's better to focus on making a life for yourself before you attempt to bring someone else into this world to take care of.

I learned all of that the hard way.

And every time I scan a young single girl on her own.... it takes me back all those years ago... and it breaks my heart a little more for them every time.

I am thankful for the gift of being a MOTHER
I am PROUD of that young man I have raised..... he will be 18 in just a few short months.

I just hope I raised him to know right from wrong.
I hope somewhere in him is the drive to be better and do better and grow up to be someone who makes a difference in this world around him.
I just hope he is as proud of me one day as I am of him.

(PS - this will likely be a series of blogs.... I'm on a roll and it's too much for one ranting!)

From tween... to teen.... to real life?

We have all heard that old saying a million times....
"don't judge another, for you don't know their journey"

Do you remember being in high school and that's literally ALL people did???  We judged.  Each other.  Who's cool?  Who's not cool?   Who can you talk to and who will you NEVER talk to at school?
"WHAT is she wearing?"  "What label is that?"
"He will never date me, I'm not a cheerleader".
"I can't date her, she doesn't run with the right crowd!"
OH the terrible terrible judgemental games we played as teens!!
Even those that THINK they didn't judge because they WEREN'T defined as cool, and they DIDN'T run with that crowd... they chose their own path and did their own thing - don't lie.  By boycotting the "cool crowd" you too are judging!
Oh what a vicious cycle!!!
The sad part is - in all that judging - you have NO IDEA what is going on inside those people you are judging.

So you grow up (RIGHT?).  You graduate high school and you enter the rat race.  Real life.  Whether it be college or a job or whatever path you might choose.
You move on.
You leave those high school friends, and enemies.
Some you may see again, but most you won't.
And all those judgements and sleepless nights and worries melt away.
And all you are left with are the hurtful things that you said to another AND/OR the hurtful things that were said to you.
That's it.
All the judgement.

I remember I had a really good friend whom I loved dearly.  We will call her BETH.   I was, just as many others, a freshman trying to fit in. Trying to find my place on this new journey.   And I don't know how I did it, but I did.  I hurt BETH.  I made her feel like she wasn't good enough.... which is ironic because I always thought she was cooler than me.   I found a note one day on the bus that she had written to a boy I liked.   And it said "I think Tammy Green is a snob.  Do you?"
Now I can laugh (kinda) at the immaturity of it all.
But the day I found it, it broke me.   Mostly because someone I liked and thought was cool obviously didn't like me anymore....and I had obviously done something to make her feel that way... and she used the word "snob" about me??  Which was the LAST thing I considered myself.
I never asked her about it but we weren't really friends after that
We grew apart.
For many other reasons I'm sure.... but mainly for that one simple word - "judgement"
I judged her.  She judged me.
And for what???

It's funny - I see her on occasion now.... and ALL I can remember is that note.   Not the fun things we did or how far we have come in life - but the first thing in my mind is always that NOTE.  And as stupid as it is... it STILL hurts my feelings today!

You would think all those lessons we learn in high school would make us better people.  Actually some lessons do.  But what I don't understand is after all the judging and hurtful things that we do and survive in high school - why does the judgement continue?

Is it just the way of the world???

When I got divorced, the hardest part for me, as I'm sure is with many - was that "stigma" that comes with being "divorced".  People will think I FAILED!  I felt like everyone would look at me like I had done something wrong.  Like I must be some evil spawn that someone couldn't stomach being with forever.  And let's not fail to mention the spiritual wounds that diminished my spiritual walk because I felt like I failed and disappointed God too!

Over the past few weeks, I have heard story after story after story of things about people.... some that are good and some I wish I never knew.
But mostly - it has reminded me that judging others is sooooo hurtful and damaging - and just plain wrong.  We are so guilty of looking at others and being jealous or wishing we had the life of someone else.  How many times have you looked at someone and said  "He/She is soooo lucky!!"
And ohhhh how many times we look at someone and say "OH MY.  I would NEVER do that!!"
You don't know.
You haven't walked their path.... you're not on their journey.

Don't assume.
As good as life is for us all - it is also bad.  And hard.  And everyone hurts.
Remember - not everything is as it appears on the outside.

Just as much as you hurt and worry what others think or worry what others will "find out" about you - so is the person next to you.

Love unconditionally.
Pray for everyone you know.
And for the love of everyone around you - stop JUDGING!!

Focus on the good in your life and how lucky and blessed you are.
If it wasn't for the rainy days and the storms, it would be hard to appreciate the SUNSHINE!!! 

And for any of you young high school kids that might somehow stumble upon this page.... when you are in school, don't fret over if you're cool or not cool.  Don't think you have to do things to impress someone else.  Follow your heart.  Love unconditionally.  Treat others as you would want to be treated.  Don't judge your classmates, you don't know what they go home to every day!!!

Just don't judge.

Pouring my heart up and Linking up with Shell over at