Thanksgiving

In honor of one of my favorite holidays because it can't be killed my commercialism and is instead focused on all we have to be grateful for....
Try as they might to devalue this day, "Black Friday" on Thanksgiving night... I will never lose sight and gratitude for all that I am blessed with!!!

I would like to share a little Thanksgiving!!

I am thankful for being a mommy! I was blessed to become a mother 17 and a half years ago. I look back now and I am truly amazed at all we have been through together! Z saved my life in many ways and I have learned so much in watching him grow into an honest, caring, smart young man. I am thankful for the hard times we have been through and the honesty we have shared. I am thankful that he knows life can be hard but we are tough!!! I am thankful (most days) that he is me made over in so many ways!

I am thankful for my parents! I am thankful for being brought up in a Christian home by two God fearing Christians. I am thankful for their tough love. I am thankful that when I chose the wrong path, they prayed... and let me fall on my face and learn the hard way. I am thankful that when I am wrong, they tell me rather than being my "best friend". I am thankful that they raised me to always work hard and always give back and to try to see the good in everything and everyone!

I am thankful for my brothers and two great sister-in-laws. I know I could call any of them at any minute and they would be there :)

I am thankful for being blessed with some of the best friends a girl could ask for!!! My core girls, who have walked beside me through the ups and downs.... Some who have been there for many many years... Some whom have come into my life more recently... I honestly could not ask for better friends!!

I am thankful for my B-rad :). I am thankful that even after making some pretty terrible moves in my life, God still saw fit to bless me with a good Christian man who honestly loves me with all his soul. I am thankful that even after pushing him away, he never stopped loving me. I am thankful that I know what TRUE unselfish whole hearted LOVE looks and feels like!  There is no one I have more fun with or am more myself with.  He is my best friend!! 


I am thankful for my job and all my co-workers! As if I don't say it enough, I truly LOVE my job and all that it entails. It is entertaining some days and trying on others, but every day I'm doing something I love and meeting new people (crazy they may be! Ha). As for my co-workers... ALL of them are such great souls. I truly refer to them all as friends. Just as quickly as people I have known for years, they would be right by my side if I needed one single thing! :). I am very blessed!!  How many people can honestly say they LOVE their job AND ALL the people they work with!?

I am thankful for our babies (*dogs*). Bailey Shea, the ol' faithful brown dog and Zack's very first puppy... She's knocking on 12 years old and just as sweet as ever. And our new baby Dane, Lido Armani. I swore I would never potty train again. He wears me out but he is just precious. Thankful for both babies!

I am thankful for my sweet little cozy warm house!! It's not much, and sharing one bathroom with a teenage boy has its downside for sure.... but it's mine and its warm. What more do I need?! :)

There are a million other things to be thankful for... But I wanted to especially address these and say thanks to everyone I love, for loving me!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Remember, even on the bad days, there is ALWAYS something or someone to be thankful for.

We. Are. Blessed.

Vacation - the PUREST form of birth control

Hey guys!!!
Hi there!
Did ya miss me????
~~BIG WAVE~~

I've been on vacation AND celebrating my birthday!
(hopefully I'm back now)
and here to tell ya ALL about it!

We journeyed down to Gatlinburg last week......all FIVE of us.... and for us - this means over 4 hours or so IN THE VEHICLE with 3 children  :)   One boy - two girls.
~Is Mary Poppins singing in your ear yet?  No?  not yet?  Let me remind you of the fact that the boy is a teenager ;-)    Are ya licking lolipops now???   cause I'm pretty sure Disney characters rode on the roof of the Trailblazer with us  :)
yeah.....
not so much!!!!!!  ha ha

So Preacher T is at the wheel, me riding shotgun and the 3 chillins in the back.. and we're off on our journey....
 
Z-man could pretty much sleep 24/7.  right?!  So that's pretty much what I think he attempted to do through the entire vacation!!  ha ha  Lord help us having to wake him up in the mornings.  And you KNOOOOW on vacation everyone always wakes up earlier.......not to mention T and his crew are morning people!  (BOOOOOo.... hisssssss.... BLECH!)  I despise those happy morning people.....  muahhhhhh!   Anyway - so getting Z up was even more of a chore than it is at home on school mornings.  He's a BEAR.  So at least we had THAT going for us!  ha ha

The girls.... well they are pretty close in age, so they are in a constant competition at everything we do....  they pick, they compete, they do what children do  :)
And they do what little GIRLS do......they sing and they play with dolls {their very own waky bears that they made on vacation}, and they wanna swim and they wanna CONSTANTLY be doing something  (in other words.......no napping!  lol)

Here's the kids summary on vacation.....
one sleeping one singing and one whining..... and they just took turns playing each part!

We really did have a GREAT time.  The weather was great the majority of the time  (one day it rained ALL day and it was cold, but luckily - the hotel had an indoor pool and waterslide that kept us entertained!) but otherwise, the temp was perfect, the sun was shining and we had PLENTY to do!

We rode horses, we rode go carts, we had an old time photo made.....and we ate.... and ate......and ATE!  LOL   Isn't that what vacations are for...  eating and NO sleep!  :)

speaking of sleep - I have to tell you - My FAVORITE {insert sarcasm} part of vacation was our sleeping arrangements.  I like to refer to them as our "laying" arrangements - cause that's all T and I did......we laid there.... and rolled around.... and tossed and turned....and got PUNCHED in the face......got cuddled.... got pushed to the side of the bed... listened to Z recite the Gettysburg address in his sleep!  HA HA Haaaaa!!!
seriously - out of ALL the three kids, we changed sleeping arrangements EVERY night - letting each have a turn on the air mattress and T and I sleeping with each of the others.
NONE of them are good sleepers.  By night 3 - I had slept with Z, I had slept with one of the girls, and I then threatened to sleep out on the sidewalk where no one could punch me in the face, and I didn't have to be awoken by conversations occurring in the middle of the night with the wall!
I need my sleep people!  lol

Other than the lack of sleep for T and I - the kids slept like babies and we all had a great time! 
{though even through the lack of sleep - I will tell you probably my MOST favorite thing was the morning T and I woke at 4 AM and neither of us could sleep, so T went and got coffee and just he and I sat in the dark, drinking coffee, watching tv...... little moments.....}

I'm posting some pics for your pure enjoyment!

{and remember that blog I posted some time ago - regarding whether or not I wanted more children - PROBLEM SOLVED!)  ha ha


Here's our old time PHOTO!
I LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!!  :)


This is how we spent our dinner time!!!!!

This is probably one of my favorite shots - only Z man had to take it so he's not in it.........

And here is Z sportin his MUSCLES on the outdoor waterslide.......yes in April - it was warm enough outside for the pool to be open........the water in the pool however, NOT so warm! LOL

And last but not LEAST.........

please allow me to introduce you to to.......

Preacher T and his massive STEED!!!!!!!!

Hello Kong.......nice to see you again  ;-)

Had a GREAT trip..........GREAT vacation.......a happy birthday
and GLAD to be back home
{and sleepin in my own bed......ALONE!  LOL}

Pour your Heart Out

I'm linking up with Shell today over at things I can't say.
This is a first for me - so bear with me....
been kinda emotional this week so there is NO TELLING where this post will take us!
HA!

Here are the Rules:

Write a post from the heart.
Something that has been weighing on you.
Something you feel passionately about.
Something you've been wanting to talk about.
A cause, a memory, a belief, a world view.
Anything.

Grab my new button for your post and link up!

Warning from Shell:

I hate that I even have to say this, but, whether you are participating or just reading, please keep in mind that the people linking really are sharing something from the heart. So, please, BE RESPECTFUL. We might not agree with each other, but we can all accept someone's right to have a different opinion than we do and NOT attack someone because of this. Play nice. :)

****

For those of you who don't know this about me, I'm a single mother to a teenage boy.
His father and I were never married and in fact split within weeks of baby Z being born.  His father has essentially been non-existent aside from visitation time at HIS convenience.

It's always been me and Z. 

Period.

 

Recently I read a post over at Leigh v. Laundry regarding whether or not she wanted more children (to try for a girl to be specific).
It was truly truly a post from the heart...and it made me feel brave enough to share my thoughts on the subject.

Actually - they are not thoughts - they are questions......that I have yet to answer.

 

My son will be 15 in May.  15.  I can hardly believe it.  There are days when I just sit back and let the years wash over me.  I can't believe how fast the time has gone.  Being that I was 18 when Z was born, we have essentially grown up together.  Me because I HAD to... and him because... well - he's been the man of my house since he was born!!  As time passes, I get more and MORE freaked out.  I look at his sweet little innocent face right now and I truly fear for him to get older.  Yes he's had some great years as a child - but at the same time, there are days when I feel like having him at such a young age required so much unfair maturity out of him, that I feel like I robbed him of some of his carefree childhood!  =(

At the same time, with it being just me and him - he has wanted for nothing.  The child IS definitely SPOILED to the core.  Some days I worry that the REAL world will run him over when he gets out on his own....  and that scares the CRAP outta me for him.

 

BUT - here is where my issues come in.

Being that I'm {almost} 34 - and NEVER been married, people ask me ALL THE TIME......"Do you think you will have more children?"  When Z was little, I always hoped that I would.  I hoped that my Prince would finally come and we would have children together and Z would fit right into the fairytale.

But now - he's 15.

and i'm {dreading} 34.  and STILL not married.

Thus ensues the question.....

 

DO I want more children?

 

YES - there are days that I think back to how hard life has been being a single mommy.  I never had a daddy at home to help with feeding or changing OR celebrating milestones in Z's life.  No one was there to hold my hand before, during or AFTER child birth to tell me..... Yes Tammy - everything will be ok.  No one kissed me and told me how beautiful I was or how LUCKY we were.  I missed all the intimacy and closeness of watching our child grow together.  So YES - there ARE days that I long to experience all of those things with someone.  I feel like I was somehow cheated of all those things.

On the flip side though - I'm one of the strongest most independant women you will ever meet.  I love my baby boy and everything that came with him.  Baseball.  Basketball.  Race Cars.  Wrestling.  His first home run!  All those things I got to experience with him.  I wouldn't trade them for the world.

 

There are also days when I long for a baby girl.  The frills and lace, the barbies and baby dolls.  All the things that I didn't get to do with Z.  I know I was a holy terror as a little girl, but I'm my mother's only daughter and there are just some bonds that no matter how hard you push against - you just can't break.

~I miss the daughter I may never have.~

On the flip side - did I mention I was a holy terror.  and that I was preganant at 18 and almost didn't graduate high school?  OHhhhhhhhhhh  - my poor poor mother

*Sidenote:  I PRAYED for a boy when I found out I was pregnant!*

 

There is also a selfish part of me some days that thinks "I have raised my child.  I'm done!"  Why in the world when he is 15 would I want to start ALL OVER AGAIN????????

 

Insert Preacher T

...with him comes 2 precious little girls...

so there is a part of me that thinks this could be God's way of giving me the family that I wasn't able to have on my own.

And most of the time - I feel so blessed and lucky and THANKFUL!!!!

 

However... there are still those days when I look at T and long to see a baby with OUR eyes...OUR smile and surrounded by a bond that I never had the luxury of sharing with anyone..

 

I try not to dwell on it too much because I know God has a plan and HE knows what's best.

But the thoughts of it sometimes overwhelm me more than anyone could ever imagine and more than most people will ever know!

 

So when people say  "Do you think you'll have any more children?"  I politely smile and say "ya never know?!"  and walk away wondering....

babies, love, life & marriage - and one more chance for me to offend someone!!

I recently had a conversation with a very good friend of mine!  It's kinda personal therefore names will be omitted - and I DID ask beg for permission to share this with you all.
It was over email - so I'm going to share it JUST as it was sent.  It is a bit lengthy but I do hope you will stick it out to the end.......what a GREAT message is included in this dialogue!

HAPPY Friday!  :-)

First a little background.....
my friend and her hubby have wanted a baby essentially since they were married.  I have listened and watched my friend speak many many times with that twinkle in her eye of how she longs to see a little baby "hubby" toddling around her house... how she longs to see the eyes of their little one looking back at her full of love... a little of her but mostly - a little mini version of the man she gave her heart to years ago....
At the same time,  I have watched this friend get pregnant and miscarry time and time again... to the point where she eventually just stopped telling anyone when they did conceive for fear of losing the little one again.  Each time, she did.  And each time, it tore just a little bit more of her away....
Finally - not too long ago - after her seventh miscarriage - because of so many ectopic pregnancies, her fallopian tubes ruptured and she ended up in the hospital losing both of her tubes.
At this point she and hubby had essentially 2 options:  give up OR IVF (invitro-fertilization)
They opted to give IVF a shot....

I asked recently for an update on how the process is going.
This conversation turned into a message that I just wanted to share.
(Preacher T..... I borrowed your pulpit today, I hope you don't mind  ;-)   muahhhhhhhh - luv u!!!)

Friend:
We went Wednesday to do a consultation with the genetic testing director. They just went over the process with us again and wanted a little more about our history. Found out that there was one more aspect to the process that we needed to do…instead of letting the egg and “boys” have cocktails and mingle, they will actually select the best swimmers and specifically introduce the 2. This is what they end up doing for about 60% of the IVF population and it translates into an additional $1500. Apparently, pimping is expensive.



Also learned something new. When they do the genetic testing on the embryos to weed out any with abnormalities, hopefully we’ll end up with a few to implant. But they will already know the gender of the embryos before they implant them. We had to choice to know what the gender is if we wanted. I thought that was AMAZING. Apparently the gender is one of the first things determined when the cells start to divide. We chose to NOT know…it would make it way to hard if it didn’t work out…makes it more real to know that you lost a boy or girl or both.




Just as an FYI, get a load of the costs…
Prerequisite tests to date: $1500
Freezing back-up “boys”: $700
IVF cycle: $10300
Genetic testing: $4500
Medication: $3000


That’s all the costs up to getting a positive pregnancy test. My efforts to remain positive are heavily weighed down by that menu I just typed. My attitude changes by the hour!!!

Me:
Well – even with the additional costs, since your already out so much out of pocket, I think the extra to ENSURE that they “meet” is well worth it. It would be harder to pay all that and then find out the two didn’t get along on their own. Ya know? I think pimping them is good ;-) better odds anyway ;-)


I can understand the menu costs weighing on you……..but just think when that baby boy/girl is here – it will be worth EVERY single penny

Bumps and hard days along the way only make the good days and the MIRACLE all the more appreciated and enjoyed  And WOW – that’s INSANE that they can tell the gender ALREADY in the embryo.
I’m telling you – the human body and the whole conceiving process is TRULY TRULY a miracle from God.
How could ANYONE go through all that you have been through and see what you have seen and ANYONE not believe there is a God.

Friend:
What is so hard about all this is that all this money is being spent just to get us to a point of a positive pregnancy test. Well, I’ve seen the 2 pink lines or plus sign MANY times. A positive test means absolutely nothing to me…no excitement, no thrill, no sighs of relief…just the beginning of even more stress. I am very positive about this process working for us getting pregnant, been there done that (and didn’t have to pay so much). But anything beyond that…..I don’t know how to be positive about that.



Tammy, you are so right. I can’t imagine how anyone could not believe there is a God, the process truly is a miracle. I also know that what I’ve gone through has been for a reason. It’s been to prepare me for something bigger I’m sure. But, DAMN, couldn’t He have gotten His point across to me in 1 or 2 or even 3 miscarriages? Did it really have to be 7? And if all the pain has been to help me REALLY appreciate being successful that much more…did He really think that I was going to take for granted being successful on the 1st, 2nd or even 3rd try. Again, why soooo many times? That’s where a person could start to question their faith….but don’t worry, I’m not.  Just conveying how I can understand a person in my situation REALLY struggling with faith.


Sorry, but I’m apparently in my negative mood today…like I said, every hour is different. But if I truly DIDN’T think this process might work, I sure as hell wouldn’t be shelling out $20,000 to do it. So obviously there’s a glimmer of hope somewhere inside this cynical body!....just no fallopian tubes.

Me:
And you may NOT know why it took so many times till you get to heaven and you can ask.

Just know and remember (pointing at ME right now!!) there is ALWAYS a plan bigger than us
I forget that A LOT!!!!!!!!!!
I just told KK – there have been some things I have been struggling with lately……with me, with Adam, just worrying….. and I’m done. I know God has a plan for us. I know we are together for a reason. Granted – I question my PLACE sometimes, but I know it will all make sense one day. So – I gave it to God. No more worry, no more questioning……..just living minute by minute, day by day… it’s all we can do.

Maybe there was a specific egg in you that God had to get to. Maybe this baby is gonna cure cancer. I know that is exaggerating – but just saying… the miscarriages weren’t because God didn’t want you to be pregnant or carry a child, but it just wasn’t the right egg yet. I’m not second guessing or trying to figure out why……just saying……when it is time and all is right – God will carry that baby all the way through
And whatever road it took you to get there……. God put you on it and he won’t leave your side.

You know – with writing my blog – I realize – you just never know when what you say or how you feel or how you react is going to touch someone around you. someone that you may not even know. The whole reason for this journey might simply be for you to cross paths with someone that might change YOUR life – OR might be CHANGED because of knowing/meeting you.
You just never know……….

Friend:
But what if God is trying to tell me that having children is not his plan for me….and I’m just not hearing. 7 miscarriages and an emergency surgery may have been his way of screaming, “for the love of Me, just stop!”. Just sayin….could go either way.

Me:
OK – if you weren’t MEANT to be on this road, he would not have provided the “means” to be on this road.

Correct?
I mean – I could NOT do what you and hubby are doing…. I couldn’t afford it NOR could my parents.
So – I DO believe you are where you are for a reason.

Here’s the hard part.
WHAT IF you aren’t meant to have a child?
What if you are simply going down this road to strengthen your love, your marriage and POSSIBLY be a witness for Him to someone you might not even know?!
Would you/could you be ok with that?
Knowing the end result may not be exactly WHAT you want – but it’s what God wants?

When I went to talk to my preacher a long time ago about dating…….he said to me………”WHAT IF God doesn’t want you to be married? What IF God wants you to be single? WHAT IF God has a plan for you and you must be single in order to fulfill that plan? Are you ok with that?”
I of course replied “NO I’m not……..”
And I PROMISE you – until the day came that I WAS ok with that – I was miserable.

One day, I just gave it to God.
One day (and there is a blog to document this) I gave up.
I embraced the gifts I had been given by God and vowed to use those in His name and not search for my OWN plan anymore.
I fully accepted that God DOES have a plan for me and I don’t know what it is and for as long as I tried to make it MY plan – it wouldn’t work!
So – I let go.
Instead of praying for what I wanted – I prayed to be faithful and accepting of what HE wanted!

And the even MORE ironic part was this:
The same day my preacher asked me if I was ok being alone………he also said he believed when I found the right man, he would be a man of God. He did. I promise you – he just said – I believe you are a strong Christian woman and I believe that you will find and deserve a strong Christian man. I of course laughed on the inside…. Yeah right – ME married to a deacon? Much less a preacher?! (I laughed inside because I didn’t think I deserved that!)

And then.........God brought me Adam (Preacher T - ha ha)
I have known Adam for a looooooooong time, and never would I have guessed.

But you see, God had a plan all along
And until I was willing and READY to accept HIS plan and not my own…….it didn’t happen.

Friend:
You’re ready for your own pulpit now….my work here is done.



Well said, every bit of it. And all very true.


Here’s what I really think(hope) God’s plan is/was…


I didn’t want kids until I met hubby. So we set out on this journey to have kids. Try after try bringing us closer and strengthening our relationship (like you said) and intensely strengthening my own Faith. We started on the Fertility Clinic route a couple of years ago but didn’t follow through with IVF because it didn’t seem right at the time. So I “gave it up to God” at the beginning of 2009 and we stopped “trying”. I figured that if I was meant to be pregnant I eventually would continue to be. I think God finally said, wait I can give you an answer about whether you’re meant to have kids or not and that brings me to my surgery. After the surgery we had no choice but to pursue IVF…there was no other way to conceive. So choosing to go through IVF is to get that answer. He gave us the technology now we’re supposed to use it. But I still think it is completely possible that His answer might be no kids…..and I’m completely ok with that…have been for a long time. It’s been the not knowing one way or another that has been my demon. I fully believe my answer lies at the end of this cycle and I’m anxious to get that answer, whatever it may be.


You’re right in so many ways, this is the road He wanted me to travel and I’m all the stronger for it.

Me:
I think you are VERY right. I have seen you and hubby grow LEAPS AND BOUNDS in the years you have been married. It really makes me melt when I think about it…….

NOT that you weren’t in love before – I don’t mean that at all. I just mean – how this has brought you all so much closer and so much (if its possible) more in love today!
It’s so common for people to marry these days and just grow apart in the comfortableness.
I love that I have gotten to see you all grow together…….as a couple.
It renews my faith and spirit and belief in love AND in God’s plan for us all