but WAIT!! STOP ~ NO ~ I'm not ready!!!

I don't feel like a "college kid" MOM!

BUT.....
the time is quickly approaching

...the inevitable is going to happen

...it was bound to come.

I should have been more prepared....

I'm so happy...

but  nervous.... and scared....

I feel accomplished and OH SO PROUD!!!

but EMPTY...

and WEIRD?

Cause I don't feel like I have a kid in college!!!
DO I?
I mean.... How could I?
I'm only 27 myself!!!  (ha ha haaaaaaaaa)

In all honesty - I do only feel like I should be 27 most days.  (some call that denial... I call it eternal YOUTH!  RIGHT?!!  ha ha )  I mean my best friends are getting married and having babies!!
And I'm just over here like...... WHEN is my baby moving out?

{insert big SAD frowny face!}

ohhhhhhhh man.......
it's my baby boy.
My pride.  My joy.  My one stable thing that's always been there.
We've been through so much together....
We've kinda grown up together...
he knows far more than he should and yet it could NEVER be enough for him to be on his own...

He only JUST graduated 8th grade......

RIGHT??!!

or....OK - HIGH SCHOOL.....
but I mean...... he's still only 18!

Not ready to be eaten alive by this great big MEAN world!!!

I could almost hyperventilate just thinking about it.

at 18.......

The things I did.
The places I went.
The people I met
The STUPID decisions I made.

He CAN'T be ready.
Can he??


Then I remember when I was 18.  And how ready I was to face the world.  I didn't know a DANG thing, but I held my head high and I walked out and met the world head on.
Things I didn't know, I learned as I went.
Things I did know - turned out to be WRONG so I just learned them again! (and again... and AGAIN if need be!)

I made right choices and wrong choices...
I made good friends and bad friends...
There were ups and there were downs....
High times and LOW times....

But all in all....... I faced the world... and today, although there are still fights and struggles from time to time  - I feel like I came out AHEAD!!!  WINNING!!!!!!
I survived it!
And for most of that -  I can thank my parents for raising me to be the STRONG compassionate Christian I am today.
I can thank them for teaching me to be independent
...for teaching me to get back up when you fall down
....for teaching me to not take NO for answer when it's something you believe in...

I thank my parents and friends along the way for WHO I AM TODAY!

And I have raised that baby boy to BE the man he is growing into.

I raised him to see the good all around him.
I raised him to see the good in people and appreciate the beauty in that.  It's rare.
I raised him not to take things for granted.
I raised him to understand that not everything comes easy and one wrong decision can land you in hard times...
I raised him not to judge those who have come upon hard times...
I raised him to treat everyone as equals...
I raised him to understand that some people will do ANYTHING to get ahead, but sometimes "anything" isn't worth it in the end.

Be good.

Be honest.

Be trustworthy.

Be respectful.

Be loyal.

And most of all, stand true to that moral, God-fearing, passionate, good-hearted soul that makes me so proud to call you my SON!

So if you see me or talk to me on Sunday and I'm crying or seem sad.....

Know that I'm not SAD.

Know that those are tears of joy and there could not be another person on this planet more proud of that young man as he steps out MY front door to face this great big world on his own.

I love you ZackCoolio!!!  :) 

I will miss that quirky little boy and all the WEIRD things we've done though his growing up years.... all the silly things that make him JUST LIKE ME.  Mama's boy... my spitting image.  All the "traditions" that he will carry with him.  Some he will still come home for... and some he will hopefully pass on to his family one day.  Never forget the times growing up and always cling to those hard lessons learned.  And the many more to come.  They give you backbone and make you YOU!



Hold on to Spongebob and Scooby and Little League and the Green Car and Nancy's and when times get hard and you think you can't go on... Put on some Pink Floyd so loud that Nancy can hear it and know that "this too shall pass"

Hold on to this quilt full of road trips and ballparks and MEMORIES every night you are away and remember I have always been your BIGGEST fan and I always will be!

Turning over "leafs"... and growing trees!

It never fails, after I have a crappy day... and spend a little time reflecting on things... that the VERY NEXT day there appears a GIGANTIC fire under my butt!!!

No time for pity party hats over here!!

I am instead focusing on how my life has changed and grown and how I am better today than I was before.

YES - I am going to toot my own horn!
And you should too!

Toot your horn, pat yourself on the back, stand a little taller and be PROUD!!!
(If you need help doing that, hit me up - I will SHOW you all the positive around you.  I will SHOW you how easy it is to be proud of where you are AND I will motivate you to keep going!)

First of all - My sweet baby boy is a MAN.  (on paper anyway!  ha)   I raised this little boy through good and bad, through some pretty rough times and sometimes on nothing at all but prayers, hopes and dreams.... And today I finalized his registration for college.  My baby boy is going to college.  My baby boy has grown up with a heart like none other and hopefully with just a smidgen of my drive to go out into this world and BE SOMETHING!!!  Leave a mark!
This single mommy did that.  I raised him, I taught him, I tried to be a positive role model and example and I pushed him to never give up!  *I'm not saying I did it alone...he has been loved and supported by many*
I am PROUD of who he is today and where he is going  :))

I love my job.  YES.  I do.  I quit a full time job and went BACK to school in order to find a career that is fulfilling for me.  Something I could do with passion.  There are days that are more stressful than others... and days I wanna kill someone... but that is normal.  Right?!!  LOL   But seriously.... I love what I do.  I even love that I work with patients every day.  I interact.  I meet people.  I hear stories - some that impact me!  And I tell stories... some that I hope have some impact on someone else.   This life is all about helping each other and being kind to one another.   Why is that so hard for people to understand?!!  Just BE NICE!  You never know when something you say can either make or BREAK someone's day.  Be kind.  Smile.  Enjoy every day of your life.  You never know when the direction might change... and there are things you can never get back!

I have THE best boyfriend of all time!  Who else would get up and fix me scrambled eggs EVERY day before work??!!  To keep me in line and on my diet!  No excuses!!  Who else would stick with me through all my insanity  hee hee * (insert one of my Lido "diddys"!!  ha)*  Who else would have the patience to work out with me {a newbie!} on a regular basis and not kill me?!  ha!  No one knows me like this man.   And for SURE no one LOVES me like that man!   I am one lucky little princess!

I am officially a GYM RAT.  Yes - I can say that now.   And I'm proud of that!  So many times before.. I thought I would get into shape.. blah blah blah....  But it never lasted.  What is that saying about making something a habit?  It takes how long?!!   BLAH   I don't think there is a defined time limit.  I think there is a defined PASSION that you must find in order to make a lifestyle change.   You can't make that decision for someone else and no one can make it for you.  To be totally dedicated you have to want it for YOURSELF!!!
And when you make that decision - people will look at you funny!!!   Guaranteed!
Because who WANTS to eat healthy and work out all the time...??
ME!!!

I AM A POWERLIFTER!!!!
WHAT?!!!
And I'm a GIRL (in case y;'all missed that memo!)
I have officially competed in TWO full power lifting meets.  (and a push pull meet that wasn't sanctioned) 
I am listed on the interwebzz YO!!!! 
APA (American Powerlifting Assoc) and SPF (Southern Powerlifting Federation).
WHAT?!!
Yeah - that's right.  I'm worldwide baby!!!  ha ha
Now granted - my numbers don't rank in the top gazillion lifters in the US - BUT I'm on my way and what are YOU going to do to stop me?  Or tell me that I can't?
Make fun of how I eat?
Make fun of how I spend my free time?
Tell me I'm crazy?
Tell me that I'll look like a boy?

nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Some people play soft ball, some people shop (don't worry - I still do that!!  Just for different stuff now!), some people run, some do yoga...
This is what I do now.
And I love it!

My mom told me I'm going to blow out my veins!!
I told her Elvis did that taking a dump!!!  hee hee

I'm having fun and my body looks better than ever and I'm HEALTHIER for it!!!
WHAT?!!

I raised my kid to be a strong loving passionate man,

I have a man that loves me,

I go to work every day and I love what I do,

I pay my bills and I pay taxes,

I have a loving family I know I can count on,

I have the best friends known to man,

My best friends are having babies for me (ha ha) 

(making me Aunt Tammy again!),

I eat healthy

I lift heavy

and one day, I will hold a RECORD!!!

WHAT WILL YOU LEAVE BEHIND

WHEN YOU ARE GONE?

If I inspire one person to be better tomorrow than they are today - I will die a happy woman!  :)

And as I said before...... I will be happy to talk to anyone about lifting, eating, NO CARB, motivation, passion.... HOW TO GET STARTED and how to stay on track!!!!

I LOVE THIS LIFE!

I have met some of the most amazing and inspirational people out there through this lifestyle!  I hope someone can say that about me one day!!

I'm an Adult - now WHAT?!

Well - it's finally here... the day I have dreaded.
(I remember being young and it was THE one day I most looked forward to)
But as a mother... it's scary
Actually - it's invigorating and empowering and a great BIG hunk of pride....
and... yeah ..... also.......SCARY as crap!!!

I mean - let's face it... I've put in the time.
I've worked hard
I've made sacrifices
I've prayed
I've cried
I've smiled
I've laughed
I've worried
I've questioned
I've wondered....
I've WORRIED!

And now it's here.
It's "Official"!!!

My baby is 18!!
A "legal" adult
At "draft" age
Old enough to buy a lottery ticket
Old enough to sign a contract and be held legally responsible
Old enough to file his own taxes and claim his own income.
Old enough for college.

It seems like only yesterday we were starting day care, then school, making Dr. Seuss cakes, then tee ball, potty training with M&Ms, and sports physicals (turn and cough!  ha ha)
I can't believe how the time has flown.... I still feel like I just got out of high school myself
(you people KNOW I CLEARLY have no sense of TIME.... that was almost 20 years ago!!!)

Nonetheless.... here it is.

My sweet little bouncing baby boy is now officially 18
He has senior prom this weekend.
He graduates high school in just a few short weeks.

And then after a vacation, and a SKYDIVE (his 18th birthday present) - he will move out.... and be IN COLLEGE!
Part of me will die a little on the inside when he leaves.
It's been me and him forEVER.
The house will feel so empty... and I will worry  (not that I don't now) but I will worry what this world will do to him.
How will it treat him?
Will it chew him up and spit him out?
How will he handle the responsibility of college and LIFE on his own?
Will he sleep?
Will he party?
Will he go to class when he's supposed to?

Is he STRONG enough to handle whatever life has to throw at him??!!

Oh I worry.....
And it scares me almost as much as the first day of kindergarten!

But at the same time..... I'm so proud
Proud of what we have done.
We made it Zack man.  We made it.
Through taking a cab to day care and work because that's the only means of transportation we had.
Through waiting tables and praying for tips just so I could pay rent and keep food on the table.
Through baseball fees and uniforms and traveling and all the expense that entailed.
Through diapers and formula to shoes and clothes for a constantly growing boy!
Through me going to school and trying to juggle jobs and school and never miss a beat with you!

We made it.

And on this day - I could not be any prouder or any happier for YOU!!!

Congrats on yet another milestone of a million more to come

Your life is laying like an open book in front of you
Live your life to the fullest
Write your own story
Be all that you ever wanted to be

I raised you to believe that NOTHING is impossible!

Now go live out ALL your dreams!!!

Don't be afraid to be a LOSER.. and teach your kid to be one!

Why don't we teach our kids to lose?   to fail?  that life isn't fair?
I always worried when Z was growing up about how I was gonna pay the bills.  Don't we all!  But I didn't want HIM to worry; that's my job as the parent.... to worry.  So I tried to protect him from it.  And I would go without in order for him to have things so he didn't have to know how tough it was to make ends meet!
WHY?
for what?
Because - and I give you this - we ALL agree that we don't want our kids to worry about stuff like that.  We want them to enjoy their childhood.  To "have it better than we had it"
but WHY??

Now I'm not saying go tell your kids a sob story to make them feel bad about themselves... I'm just saying be honest.  Teach them to WORK for things (I need to practice this too!).  Teach them the value of work and money and having things.  Teach them things don't ALWAYS come easy!

Was your life REALLY that tough?
I mean - growing up - maybe you thought it was... but seriously - it WASN'T!
I was blessed... and very lucky!  Though I would have NEVER told you that growing up.
I know now.

I have two brothers, both of which are very athletic and always played sports growing up.
One brother was always on the "winning" teams;  and the other was always on the "losing" teams
The one that was always on a winning team, doesn't lose well  (hard to imagine I know)
The one who participated in "losing" more, had a tough time growing up and dealing with it (he's sensitive!)... he got his feelings hurt, he got down, he got frustrated...
But on the flip side - when he won - OH he was so happy.  He learned to APPRECIATE winning.  And with time, he learned how to lose and how to use that to DRIVE himself to be better.
He learned that sometimes you have to WORK for things... they don't always come easy!
My other brother always expects to win.  He HAS to win.... God love him we (me and my siblings) are ALL very competitive - but let him lose at a board game or cards or whatever we might be doing - he is NOT a good "loser"  ;-)  {Love ya CG}
That doesn't make him a bad person - it's just that life handed him a different hand.
You live what you learn!

As parents, often times we do this with our children.  Not just in sports but with everything they experience growing up.
They do something wrong - we make excuses for them.... because you don't want your kid to get in trouble for something.  We worry that it looks bad on us as parents... rather than worrying about what we are teaching our children.
They don't do good in a game, and we pat them on the back and tell them they are the BEST even if they messed up.
Now - don't get me wrong here.... don't jump ship thinking I'm a HORRIBLE person and a TERRIBLE mom...  Don't judge!
I'm all about positive reinforcement.  I'm all about boosting ego and making children feel good about themselves and building self esteem.
But there is a line.
If your kid doesn't practice for the big game, or recital, or play or whatever it may be that they are involved in - don't make excuses for them.  They didn't put in the work.   Tell them so.
Otherwise, it teaches them that they don't have to TRY
That everything should just come easy
It teaches them to belittle people who DO work hard... it teaches them to play VICTIM!
It's NOT OK to NOT be prepared.
Period.
"I love you and you're very talented, but you didn't earn first place today."
One thing that drives me CRAZY is trophies!
Since when does every team get a trophy?!!
Things (not just sports) are set up to be a competition... for a reason.
There is a winner, and welcome to reality - there ARE losers!!!
(Loser is NOT a curse word... it simply means someone did better than you... in other words - WORK HARDER!)

It's preparation for life!

When you got your job - did you INTERVIEW for it?  Did others interview for it?
Someone WINS (gets the job) and someone LOSES (doesn't get the job)
Shouldn't we PREPARE our children for this?

There aren't consolation prizes in life!

Shouldn't we prepare them to lose?  So they know what to DO with that loss??

{{step down off of soap box}}

I know I got off on a bit of a rant there... but the whole sense of "entitlement" that children present themselves with these days is out of control.
Kids that sit on the couch and demand snacks to be delivered to them... kids that demand the newest video game that's out.... kids that REQUIRE the newest and best car at 16!

Is life really THAT easy?
Should we prepare them to believe that it is.

Life isn't fair
and you DO have to WORK for things you WANT in life.

Teach your kids that it's OK to LOSE.
And then teach them what to DO with that loss...
teach them to use that loss
to DRIVE them
to PUSH them harder...
to WORK harder....
to WANT more from life!!

Teach them to lose.   It's ok

I have recently started power lifting...
The only thing I wanted for my birthday (yesterday) was to be able to bench 100 pounds....
It's all I thought about yesterday.
I've trained
I mentally thought about it and did the lift it in my head all day
And I got to the gym last night.... and I made my attempt
and I FAILED.

I could let that crush my spirit and walk away defeated.  Frustrated.  MAD.
But I will instead (and have already) do some research... talk to people more experienced than me.... ask questions... figure out what else I can do to reach my goal.

I will use that FAILURE to catapult me to be even better.

It's ok to fail.... it's what you do with that failure that matters the MOST!

Here is my failure.   I shared it on a public forum to get advice and tips from those more experienced than me... and I have already, in less than 24 hours, taken this failure and turned it into a plan to BE BETTER.

BE a loser - and teach your kid to be one too!

To be a good loser, is to learn how to WIN.   

~Carl Sandburg~

Good girl... gone Bad... gone MOM?!

There are many things in my life that I have screwed up.
I have made my FAIR share of mistakes for sure!

I look back now and think "What in the world was I thinking?"
I have told my mother "I'm sorry" on numerous occasions!!

Out of all the "mistakes" I made - one affected me more than anything else ever would!
This is something I really haven't ever shared on here - I don't think... not like this anyway.  Not just raw and unleashed.... facts.
Emotionally raw facts.

Let me preface it by saying this before people start GASPING for air!!!
My CHILD is not a mistake.  And I will NEVER refer to him as such.  He was, and is, and will forever be the BEST gift I could ever have.
Let's just get that CLEAR now before I go on......

The mistake however comes from my blatant disregard of being told ALL MY LIFE that other things are WAY more important than boys and dating and SEX.
So I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and lived my life - with no regard to anything anyone else said.

Also with no regard to what my future might hold if I put my focus in the right places and on the right things.
But alas - I didn't.

And I got pregnant.

With my job now, I see girl after girl come in for ultrasounds of babies.
Some planned pregnancies and some not....
Some married and older
and some not married and just babies themselves....

Some days it doesn't bother me... because it's my job  - and I'm genuinely happy for people.
Having a baby TRULY is a miracle.
But some days -  it scratches a nerve.
And it takes me back....

and... well... some days it brings me to my knees.

So - what do I do when I'm filled with emotions that I don't know what to do with?!
I share them....
in hopes that it will touch someone out there and make some sort of an impact or difference in someone else's life.

So here we go.

I was 18 when I got pregnant.  Yes.
18. 
A statistic.  
A "teen pregnancy"
I was just out of high school and guess what - I wasn't married.
I wore a big large SCARLET LETTER above my head.
I know it was an embarrassment to my parents.
And I don't mean that in an UGLY way either... it's just that I was raised in church every time the doors were open.
Being pregnant and not married is kind of a dead give away that you have "had sex out of wedlock"

So I was 18.   I had already moved out on my own.  I had worked from the time I was 16.
I was and still AM a very head strong INDEPENDENT girl (thank you ~again~ to my mother for putting that in my genes)
So when I found out I was pregnant - the baby's dad asked if I wanted to get married   My reply was simple "If I wasn't pregnant right now, would you be asking?  NO?  Then no is the answer"
And I left it at that.
We did continue to live together.
I worked up until the day before my baby boy was born.
The father jumped from job to job and I'm sure never attended one doctor appointment with me.
At the time, I couldn't have cared less.
Because you see in my mind... I was doing what was to be done.
Abortion was NEVER an option.
So the day I found out I was pregnant, I basically went from 18 to 28 overnight.  I had to.
There was a job to do and someone to take care of and so that is what I did.

Looking back now - I realize I took all of the emotion out and just did what needed to be done.
What HAD to be done.
Very technical.... Point A to Point B.  Go through the motions.
Don't get me wrong.  I love that little (now grown) boy... but at that time, I do believe I took emotion out in order to keep from breaking down.  I think it was a defense mechanism.
I don't even remember an ultrasound with him.
I didn't know if he was a boy or girl.   Not because I wanted to be surprised... but because honestly, I didn't know to ask?  (mind you - I knew deep down, "mother's intuition" that he was a boy... I only had a boys name picked out when I went to the hospital... I just knew.  Good thing I was right!)
I scan people EVERY day now and I don't even remember having my OWN ultrasound.
I find myself just telling people that I didn't find out what I was having.
Cause I didn't....
Never mind that I COULD have if I had known to ask!!

I went to all my doctor visits
and I took my vitamins
and I watched what I ate
and I didn't drink
and I did all the "do's" and "don'ts"
.......but I don't remember my belly moving, or seeing him for the first time on an ultrasound machine.  I don't remember wanting to know or even asking if I could find out the gender.  I just know I went to the doctor and they would tell me everything looked fine and I would just keep fighting... for HIM.
That's all I knew to do.

I didn't KNOW to be scared that something could be wrong.
I didn't KNOW to be scared of premature labor.
I didn't KNOW the MILLIONS of things that COULD go wrong.
I didn't KNOW to be scared.
I didn't know there was anything to be scared of.

I also didn't know.....

.... that on May 14, 1995 my life would be forever changed.
I didn't know that on that Mother's Day I would be given a gift that would not only change my life forever, but my heart too.
I didn't know..... until I held him in my arms.

Yes - I was a teen pregnancy.  We see them all the time.  And it is sad how people these days have no regard to teaching their children what is priority and what is not.   Or maybe we do try to teach them in a world full of self-indulgent people that feel like the world owes them something.
How did we raise a society that believes getting pregnant and living on welfare and letting someone else pay our bills is ok?

I am living proof that YOU can work and take care of your baby.
Yes - I did have a medical card while I was pregnant.  But I was also working 40+ hours a week paying taxes to cover that benefit that I was very lucky and thankful to have.
I digress....... THAT topic is for another blog!

Let's teach our kids that the world does NOT owe them something.  Let's teach them to WORK for what they have.  Let's teach them that it's better to focus on making a life for yourself before you attempt to bring someone else into this world to take care of.

I learned all of that the hard way.

And every time I scan a young single girl on her own.... it takes me back all those years ago... and it breaks my heart a little more for them every time.

I am thankful for the gift of being a MOTHER
I am PROUD of that young man I have raised..... he will be 18 in just a few short months.

I just hope I raised him to know right from wrong.
I hope somewhere in him is the drive to be better and do better and grow up to be someone who makes a difference in this world around him.
I just hope he is as proud of me one day as I am of him.

(PS - this will likely be a series of blogs.... I'm on a roll and it's too much for one ranting!)