Ohhhh... now I know!

Growing up - we ALL knew everything.
You NEVER believed that grown ups were smarter than you.  I mean - hello - didn't we know it ALL!!!??
I did!
...and I would be the first to tell you!
I knew how things worked.... I knew how to do everything.... I knew what the consequences were... and most of the time, I really couldn't have cared less!
Grown ups were stupid and they DEFINITELY didn't know how to have fun.
And gosh they were always planning and setting goals and being all responsible and crap.
Who needs that?!!

Man - OH MAN - I wish I could go back and know what I know now.

As a mother now - I find myself trying to steer my son one way over another... trying to teach him to be responsible for himself.  To think ahead.  To plan ahead.  To be independent.  To work towards something.  Have a goal.  Have a passion (and that's NOT sitting in a dark room all night playing video games!)  PRIORITIZE!!!!
The things that "seem" important in most teenage eyes are NOT.
They just aren't.
Although at the time, it might just feel like LIFE OR DEATH..... trust me when I say.... NO!  It's NOT!

What IS life and death??

Having priorities.  Having goals.  Pushing yourself.  Taking care of YOU and not worrying what others around you are doing or planning.

As a kid - even though I knew it all... there were still things I wondered about.   But I wouldn't DARE ask someone.  I would figure them out on my own.
*I did after all - have my "I know everything" reputation to uphold!*
Guess what?
I usually figured wrong.
I had no direction.
I was all go with the flow.... ehhhhhh whatever.

That attitude....didn't get me far.
In fact - it got me nowhere quite fast.
Spinning my wheels... wondering why life didn't get easier?

So, what did?

When I sucked it up and realized - I am responsible for ME!
ME!
It is MY job to pay the bills and buy the house and work the job and buy the clothes and buy the groceries and put gas in the truck and on and on and on......

So I set some goals.
I changed my life path....
(and I still change it almost daily.)

Oh sure - some things are constant... but they are constant because I finally REACHED them as a goal.
Everything that I have in my life started with one little glimmer one sun-shiny day when I realized... 

"this is what I want and THIS is how I will get it"

And most importantly it started with LOSING that "I know everything" mentality and realizing that I didn't just KNOW everything.  There are people out there that have actually been through this.  And they know the right v wrong path to take.  And if I will just sit down and prioritize on what is important, I too - will find that right path.
And so I did.

But I look for new paths all the time.

The key to growing up is never giving up the ability to grow.
You become a better person every day.
You learn EVERY day.
You make (hopefully) better choices every day.
You learn from experience.
You learn from mistakes
but most importantly - you LEARN that you DON'T know everything and that is OK.

I, on a regular basis have moments when I think....... "Ohhhhhhh..... Now I know!"
And those moments.... yeah - I live for them!

My most recent one.....
I never understood why people did things that induce vomiting.
I HATE to puke.
HATE.  
IT.  
PERIOD.
HATE!
(is that clear enough?)
Both of my brothers ran cross country.... and for anyone who has ever work the "PUKE CHUTE" - you understand the vomit inducing sport of cross country all too well.

WHYYYYY would someone WANT to run so hard and so far that you THROW UP????

Stupid.

Guess what I have learned......
(wait for it.....)
YES - I have always wondered what it would feel like to literally work out to the brink of puking.....
and.... NOW I KNOW!
and......I wondered WHY anyone would WANT to work so hard that you are at the brink of puking....

Ohhhh......now I know!

PASSION

PRIDE

ACCOMPLISHMENT

SUCCESS

There is no greater joy than to know that YOU worked for where you are.  No one put you there... no one snuck you through the system... no one did the work for you.... no one made excuses for you and told you "it's ok"....
Someone PUSHED you.
YOU pushed YOU.
and you reached your goal.
No one can teach you that.
and no one can take it away.

Someone go back and tell my stupid teenage "I know everything" self that!

Thanks.
ohhhhhh...... NOW I know!
And every day I understand life just a little bit better!

{{PS - I know, according to yesterday's blog, My Inspirational Weekend I was supposed to be sharing some news today - but I had to share this first.... before ... so that you can understand the magnitude of the impact of the information that I am about to unleash on you!!}}

Wait .... for ..... it.....

While I was OUTTA here... {Part 2}

Yesterday - I gave you the low down on my trip
Today - I am going to share with you - WHAT I have learned over the past week...
about me...
about my husband...
about marriage..about life... about ... did I mention....MARRIAGE....
and most importantly - about ME!
{I guess because sharing my flaws and mis-haps somehow makes it worth it?}

So...
for those of you who have or haven't noticed... I have been somewhat absent from blog land for a bit.  Mostly I have been somewhat absent from life land for a bit.
{In other words... to spell it out.... I have pretty much been a here in my own world having a pity party...  what??}  

This trip to Florida that I just took was much needed for more reasons than you can even imagine.
School and life have been kicking my butt.
NOT in a bad way... I am in no way complaining.  Life is good and I know just how lucky I am to be able to have the opportunities and joys that I have had in the past year.

Oddly enough... as MUCH as I needed that trip and the time that T and I got to spend together... it was AWESOME.....
We talked and I felt things I haven't felt in months...

BUT.....

When I got in my car Saturday morning to head back home... I was overcome with a RUSH of emotions.  I didn't understand.  I had just spent some really good quality time with my husband.  We talked, we laughed, we shared.... it was great.  So I couldn't understand why pulling out of the great state of Florida, I was suddenly overcome with this enormous SADNESS.
ok - YES - I was sad to be leaving the beach
and - YES - I was sad to be leaving Preacher T behind...
but we've been apart before.  And for a longer period of time.  No real need for a break down here.
Yet - I could not stop crying...
and I could not make that weird feeling go away....

I drove and drove (and believe me I had plenty of time) and I replayed conversations and feelings and scenarios over and over in my head.   And every time with tears to follow....
I couldn't decide if this was some premonition of something bad to come?
or tears of joy?
or if I was really just that sad to go home????
It was SO weird because we DID have some really good time together and I was overflowing with love..... and yet.. tears??!!

Then many many hours into the journey and LOTS of thinking in.... I think I was just overcome with a true sense of really loving and being loved.
I don't know how to really put that into words.
But I'm gonna try.

Every little girl dreams of being married.  We dream of finding that man to make all our dreams come true and make us smile every day.  (No pressure there men!!)  We dream of being swept away in some romantic love story that never stops.  We picture fairy tales.  And I am no different.
And honestly... from the moment Preacher T and I started dating - it WAS just that ~a fairy tale~  It was more perfect than I ever imagined.  Which was great, because I think at that point in our lives, we BOTH needed something surreal... something GREAT... to open our eyes and a love to really believe in.
And T gave me that.

And then real life and all the things that come with "real life" marriage kicked me in the butt!
Not in a bad way mind you.... it was just a reality I never knew...

So the past few months I have spent analyzing and agonizing over where we went wrong.
WHY?
because our so called marriage in my mind was not what I thought it should be.

This week I learned that I tend to get in MY OWN way!!!

and I think my journey home and the meltdown of tears was my body and mind's way of truly letting my husband in.  It was a security and a comfort that I had been missing.  Because you see, although we have been married over 6 months now... maybe I was still scared.  No matter how much he says it and how many times he shows it, I think I was still waiting to be hurt
I am a BAD BAD person  :(
not by choice... I didn't wake up and "decide" to hold him out.
but somewhere deep down... I think I did.
I think I let him in before we were married, but only so far.  And on our wedding day, he's in.  And THEN, life didn't give me what I expected and I knocked him back out.

Without going into too much detail... this week, I basically told my husband I felt numb.  I felt broken.  I felt like a failure.  I have literally nitpicked our marriage to pieces.  I have.
Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying.  I LOVE T with all my heart and I have no doubt in his love for me.  I think I had this vision in my head of what life would be like and when it wasn't - I shut down.  As much as T and I are alike in so many ways, we are also different in that many ways too.
And living together.... and making those compromises... I guess I have just been afraid that "i'm doing it wrong"
Defense mechanism (unfair!) - go numb and stop trying.

Fast-forward past all that negative crap.  This past week, when we truly talked.... I said some things... and they were HARD to say....  And T said some things... and they were HARD to hear
But in the end.... those butterflies that I felt when I walked down the aisle to share my life FOREVER with the man that I love came GUSHING back!
This week of me simply focusing on the love I have for a man who loves me more than I ever imagined... THAT my friends... THAT broke me.
When I pulled onto I-95 and those walls were laying on the ground all around me.... I broke.  And I realized, no matter what life throws at me, or at T, or at our family or ANYTHING that we will EVER have to go through...
No one will ever love me more than that man who gave me his name.

So those tears....... they were tears of sorrow.... sorry that I ever doubted or pushed back a love that is undefinable.
those tears......they were tears of joy..... a joy that I never thought I would find in another human being.
those tears......they were tears of thankfulness.... thankful that God sent me a man that loves me enough and is strong enough to stand beside me knowing that this life is gonna be hard, especially hard while I left my stable job to pursue school and a career that will make our life better in the long run
knowing all of that....
I have a man that holds me and loves me and lets me cry and complain and be CRAZY and tells me, no matter what - he loves me and while today is hard, we push forward and keep planning for our amazing future.

I am truly loved and OVERjoyed!!!

When I let go of what I am... I become what I might be  

~Lao Tzu

I want to share this song with you.... the epitome of what I see our love to be
my true "better half" and soulmate.  {kinda corny - but truly listen to the words!!}

Spring is in the air.... vrooom vroom...

So - last summer, my mom took a class and got her motorcycle license - right?!  yeah - MY MOM!  My sweet, precious, tiny, 5 foot tall, angel winged, halo wearin' mom took the class, license in hand, and bought bikes for her and my dad.  And guess what........I don't know that she has ridden it the first time after getting her license... in fact she thinks she has probably "forgotten" how to even ride.

And yet.....

I was convinced that I needed to take this class and go get my license too!  YEP - I sure did.  Signed up for the class, took the test, got my license.....with NO BIKE.  LOL  
BUT - never fear - at the end of last summer, we come across a great deal on a bike and BINGO - bike purchased and parked in the garage. 

Yeah - that's where it still is.  I - as opposed to my mother did ride the bike.........
in the church parking lot!  LMAO! 

ok ok - I rode it to church from my parents house........yeah - well, that's maybe a mile. 

Wait - AND I rode over to my brother's wife's parents house...  ummmmm.....yeah - that's maybe 2 miles?

 So - ok - I haven't logged alot of miles yet..........

BUT OHHHHHHHHHHHHH - days like today make me wanna leave work and go straight over and hop on and take off.  It is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS outside in Kentucky today!  I LOVE spring!!!!!!  I love Summer, I LOVE fall!!   who freaking needs winter anyway??!
But - running and jumping on the bike has become......well......... a bit of an issue for me.
(no mom.... I have not "forgotten" how to ride)

I'm really ok to start with.... but the time I actually rode on the road - I got a little freaked out. 
I'm not very good at right turns......
well I mean - it's not that I'm BAD at them.......just uncomfortable.
which spirals my brain
and well.......then I get a little freaked out
and start analyzing EVERYTHING I'm doing....

yeah - I don't understand it either.

But when I turn right I feel like I'm gonna fall over??  I don't get it.

maybe it has something to do with this?????????

Let me take you back a few years to the underlying issue with WHY I might be so freaked out about dropping the bike.
Here is how me and my asinine brother work together
(i hope your sitting down)

My brother, I'm pretty sure has balls of steel.  There isn't anything much that I have ever seen him back down from.  (maybe skydiving?  maybe?  *wink wink*) When I was younger, I was pretty ballsy myself - but nothing like him.  (of course I am a GIRL which I have to remind myself of sometimes since all I grew up around was boys)
Anyballs........my brother rides a crotch rocket.....wheelies... 120 MPH - all the crazy crap you do - he does.  Well.......one day he shows up with my mom's bike.  (which is as FAR away from a crotch rocket as you can get) 
We go riding around (me as the passenger) and I decide that I think I would prefer to drive
 (i have control issues people, I wanna drive!)
Well - being that I have NEVER actually "driven" a motorcycle before in my life, we decide it was a good idea to go out in the back yard and let me piddle around with it.
(learning to ride a bike in the grass/dirt - for the record - NOT a good idea!)  But I SURE didn't wanna get out on the road.
So this is what we did.......

Keep in mind - I have driven many a car with a 5-speed in them.
Release the clutch
Hit the gas.
How hard can it be to do the same thing with my hands??!!!!

Killed it.

Killed it again.

and........killed it again.

I can't even take off on the thing right!
SOOOOOOOOOOOO.........
right about HERE is where our brains fall out.

My brother says   "I'll stand on this side and do the gas, and you just release the clutch slowly and I'll walk with you"

DING DING DING....

Time out - does ANYONE sense a problem coming???????

yeah - you would think!!!!!!!

But onward we went....Brother to my right, hand on the gas, me sitting on the bike, left hand on the clutch.
and s..l...oo....ooo...o...w..l..y release
OOOOOOPS!
I'm not REAL sure how SLOW  FAST I released because the bike jumped which caused the brother to
pull back on the gas.......
this in turn proceeded to GUN the back tire around and down I went......
bike on my leg
tire spinning......
brother still holding the gas.....
and VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG - it scared the CRAPOLA out of me AND HIM!!!!!!!!
looking back - I mean SERIOUSLY - how stupid was THAT?!!!!!!!
2 different people working gas and clutch!
picture that in a car.........
put your foot on the clutch and someone else reach over and do the gas??????
I mean REALLY!!!!!??????????

S.T.U.P.I.D!
(sure did sound like a good idea at the time though!!!!)

I had a freaking purple and green and black goose egg on my left calf for probably a MONTH after that!
it's a wonder we didn't burn a hole through my leg!!!!!!!!
It's pretty funny to think back on now......
but MAN what an idiotic idea.

So all in all........stupid lesson learned.
Poceeded to take the motorcycle class.
never ONCE dropped a bike and got my license......

SO why today am I such a weenie about it?

I know I just need to GET OUT and log the miles!
What a GREAT day it would be to do that!!!!!!!!!

Happy Spring!!!!!!!!!!!!