Shades of Gray

OK.... so.... I totally just finished the E.L. James Series of 50 shades of gray....
First of all - HELLO - my blog name!!!!!  I mean as IF I wasn't going to love it and hold it dear to my heart anyway......

BUT WOWZERS!!!!!!
What a GREAT series!!!!!

When I started to read the books - I was initially drawn for the obvious reasons that most are.... ya know - the thrill of "mommy porn" - cuz - yeah - that's how it's lovingly referred to! 

BUT as I read on and on and became TOTALLY and UTTERLY addicted to these books....
It dawned on me......

I'm not just in love with the hot romance hot sex displayed throughout the book - but I'm utterly in love with the main character.... NO - not Christian.....  but Anastasia!!! 
calm down.... not in THAT way
But TOTALLY in a ..... woman after my own heart kind of way!

If you have been around my blog for a bit - you have been subject to my rants on the "gray" in life.  You know - those moments where there isn't an obvious black or white answer... but instead, you travel down a path in the gray.... not really knowing which way you are headed....
I seem to travel there quite often.
(Ok - I have digressed)

Anyway - I LOVE the complexity of the characters in this book
but mostly - I love that Anastasia reminded me of ME in so many ways.
Independent.
Head strong.
Tough.
Rule breaker.
But mostly - just her.  No matter what.
She loves with everything she's got and gives everything she's got - but all the time, holding on to HER.  Her hopes and dreams and her independence, while at the same time giving and protecting and loving everyone she loves!
OH - wow - what a GREAT development of her character in her book

While reading this series - I experienced another little bump in my road  (yeah - engagement is off...let's not dwell on that here... let's focus on the positive.)  so... reading, while going through what I went through - it was like a smack in the face. 

DONT LOSE YOUR(true)SELF!!!

I do love with everything I have.... and I do have a tendancey to lose a bit of myself...  I bend.  I compromise.  I justify.  I sympathize.  I open my heart and I shower in gray.
BUT - I have been quickly reminded that not everyone leads with their heart.  Some lead with motives.  Some lead with a plan....  I give too many people the benefit of the doubt and trust in the good.  I was reminded recently that not everyone has "good" as a first priority.  There are games being played.... and I have to stop trusting that people are generally like me in nature.  They aren't.  There are many more that have some sort of ulterior motive/plan.  And that makes me sad.  It makes me sad that our world is made up of so many people that way!
I must hold on to me.
Gray and all  :)

It doesn't take away my hope.  That will never happen.   But it did teach me real quick that I'm not nearly cautious enough with my feelings and trust.

The best part or life lesson shall we say - for me - without giving too much away.....  In the book - her gray becomes her normal.... her passion - her life!  And she embraces it

And me..... well - ironically enough - just like that - I'm back in my gray.

Oh yeah - there are some black and whites in my life....
but I'm walking back down that gray path again, simply wondering where I'm headed this time.
And with who?
or FOR who?

Doused in my all gray attire......  here I go again!  :)
Embracing my path
Embracing my gray

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”   Maya Angelou

I truly love this series of books.

I feel like I was reintroduced to myself

from the outside looking in....

I WILL embrace my gray and move forward and I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS than what life has in store for me  :)

Irony: here's the definition - MY LIFE!

So....
about ONE YEAR ago.... I started this thing called "blogging".  I had NO idea what I was getting into - but I love to write and vent and someone shared this site with me.  I slowly started reading and following and then ultimately GAINING followers.  How COOL!
Before I knew it - I was addicted.

Here's the irony.
When I started blogging - I was in a weird place in life.  Kinda drifting around you could say. 
Dreams....
Ideas....
but nothing in stone.  Nothing concrete.
Nothing BLACK or WHITE.
Therefore my blog title - Every Day in GRAY!!!!   Not gray like sad... but gray like I was trying to figure out what was black and white in my life.
What I wanted.....with no gray area.
The gray was driving me crazy.

ONE YEAR later......
here I sit.....after blog after blog after blog about "love" and what I was looking for - I found it!!!  It was right under my nose and I didn't even see it.
Career.  YUP.  CHANGE!!!!!  Quit my job and went back to school
My career of choice......
ULTRASOUND!!!

READY for the irony.........
guess what ultrasound consists of!
Sitting in front of a screen, scanning the inside of patients and looking at  .......
nothing else but.....
..................
..........

A GRAY SCREEN!!!!!!!!!  ha ha ha
it's called "gray" scale!!!!!

And guess what.......
it's HARD as you know what - but I am SOOOOOo in love with what I'm doing!!!!!!

Check this out.......
Look at this.......

Do you know what THAT is???????
huh
huh
huh????
DO YA?????/
it's a liver!
and a gallbladder
and hepatics and a portal vein!
YUP - I CAN see that!!!




Everyone can see this........

It's a BABY!!!!!
look at that CUTE little face!!!!!
a little baby!
But I can measure it's head and abdomen and tell you if the kidneys have formed and see it's little heart beat...  all FOUR chambers!!!

Yes - there are days when I want to pull my hair out and it's sooooooo overwhelming
and YES - it's ALL GRAY!!!!!!!!!

BUT I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God - you are a funny little thing aren't you?!!!!!

smack me in my face!!!  ha ha

Debbie Downer Died last night....

I have put her to rest.

Period.

I did a little prayin and alot of cryin and realized - Debbie Downer must DIE!!!!!!
(which by the way........crying is part of the healing process for me - WHY do guys NOT understand that?!!!   sheeeeeeesh!)

Only a few short months ago I had so much sunshine that I didn't even NEED real sunshine to smile!  God brought me Preacher T, I have the best family and girlfriends in the world, a great kid, a job... and on and on the list can go.  But for some reason.....
my sunshine gotten hidden by clouds.
and rain.
and GRAY!!!!!!!!  (which I HATE!!!!!!!)

Last night T and I did quite a bit of talking..... and reality creeped into me.
{cringe....}
I realized - I have turned into Debbie Downer.

I took my eyes off the sunshine and became bogged down with the technicalities of life!  BOOOO!
Money has been tight *I can NOT even stress that enough* ....lots of decisions on the horizon.... a teenager at home.... the dog got sick...
It's just been up and down and up and down and at some point - I guess I got sick of fighting for the "ups" and settled on a "down"
I'm currently reading Beth Moore's book "Get out of that Pit" - and ironically - while READING it, I have settled into my very own little pit.
NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A friend of mine sent me this scripture this week.
I have typed it up, printed it out and it now hangs on my computer screen - along with other copies that will be pasted in my truck, on my bathroom mirror and any other place I can find to hang it.

I want to share it with you today.

(I'm not getting TOO much into my "personality trait" that has pushed me over the line to Debbie Downer, because I have a lovely horrid little post to share with you on Tuesday of next week via T&TR's fun little bloggy prompt - which by the way, I would encourage you to participate in!)

[2 Corinthians 12: 7-10]


(7)  To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  (8) Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. (9) But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  (10) That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Last night - I decided, no I REMEMBERED.... God's shoulders are bigger than mine.  He is bigger and better and stronger than me........so all this stuff I have been carrying around, I'm unloading on him.  I'm trusting that HE will take care of me.  He always has.  WHy would I ever doubt that??????  HE has a plan and reasons for everything - why do we question that?? 
I feel as though a ton of bricks have been lifted from my life.  I can't find the words to describe that!

I would also like to share a song with you today.  It's Craig Morgan and it's called "God must really love me"
It's kinda old - but I just ran across it lately and I can NOT get enough of the words.
I hope you will listen, enjoy and I hope in some way, this post helps lift a little burden off of you today too  :)

Out of the GRAY and into the BLUE - yes some days - I NEED the fantasy world!

After a few days of grumpy crabby cry-baby Tami - I get sick of me and refuse to stay there.. in that crappy gray world!
SOooooo - because I'm me and this is what I do - I devise a way out.
I have an un-earthly gift to alter my world with my mind... It's a protection mechanism of sorts I guess.
I can change direction, shut off emotions, or shut someone out in a snap.  It's what I do.
So - guess what - I'm over crappy gray Tami and I have flipped the switch.... off on my new direction in my new little world!
Wanna roll with me?!?!!!  hee hee
Soooooo - I'm finishing up classes in December (AGAIN)  These are the additional pre-req classes that I have to have (after finishing WKU last year) in order to be accepted into the Sonography program.  Hopefully (fingers crossed MAJOR) I will be accepted into the program and get to start next August.  Meanwhile, I will have the spring and summer semesters off from school.   It's been a LONG time since I have not taken at least one class per semester (ok - I got lost for a minute)  The point is...  I'll (hopefully) start in August 2010 and finish in the summer of 2011.   At that point, my child will have 2 more years of high school before heading off to college.  Sooooo.... that gives me two more years to work here in the hometown and get a little experience under my belt.
Now - here is where it gets crazy (and fun!)
Here's my plan:
after getting Z off to college, moved in, started, rolling in the right direction, I'm thinking this is what I'll do.
* put the house on the market
* get online and find a new job....
Wanna know what I want to do???  Still sonography - BUT I wanna travel.  I have family that travel as RN's and they spent 6 months in Hawaii last year.  Paid to work, paid to travel and paid to live in Hawaii!!!  =)
yes......THIS is what I'm working for  :)
(does anyone know someone that does this for a living?  Sonography?  what about a traveling sonographer?)
Yes ... some may say I'm crazy - I don't care.... THIS is my goal.

And get this.... My girls and I really started hanging out a little over 3 years ago.  And if you had told us 3 years ago that we would ALL still be single 3 years later - we might not have believed you.  SO - Here's what I'm thinking (shut up -it's my story ... no judging)
One friend already works in radiology, one friend is an attorney and the other works in healthcare education. (and actually told me last night that she has thought about going back to school to be an RN)
What if.......stay with me......WHAT IF - 3 years from now, we are all still single...tell me HOW cool it would be to travel and work together.  Traveling sonographer, MRI radiographer, RN & our own attorney  =)
hee hee
 I'm just saying...it's been a crappy couple of days and when I get down.... I dream....NOT plan.....just dream.  You just never know what God has in store for you  =)
Happy dreams (and working towards my goal) from here on out!
No one stands in my way of getting what I want  =)
It would be cool (ahhhh ... the fun we could have) if I got a bonus and got to travel and work with the bestest girlfriends I could have ever dreamed of.

*PLUS - someone is gonna have to pay for college......sheeeeesh!!!
check out the song!  It's G.R.E.A.T!!!!!!!!!  (there is some dead time at the end of the song....)

The scary gray stuff..

In life, it's all about learning as you go.
Today - I learned something else about myself.
I know I have said before that life is full of gray...you know - those times when you are not really in the black or white, not really on one side of the fence or the other......You are instead walking on the tight rope in between the two.  This area that I lovingly refer to as the gray.  (I hate the gray...)
THIS my friends is where I claim to spend most of my life!  LOL
And it drives me absolutely bonkers!!
BUT truth be told - I don't spend much time in the gray because I hate the "not knowing" so much that I generally hurriedly make a decision.....whether I made an educated or good one is always a toss up!

The difference in me today though is that I am learning to embrace the gray.
The gray is not there to taunt me... it's not there to hold me.....(I will repeat this to myself in the mirror every night before bed - ha!)  it is instead there to make me learn things as I go so that I make the RIGHT decision!  I mean hello!  Anyone can pick a side in any event.  But don't you wanna take the time to spend in the gray learning about BOTH sides so that when you do make the choice, you know you've made the right one!
OHHHHHHH - the conversations I have had with my mother about being sooooooo frustrated in dating because I felt like the guy kept me in the gray all the time.  JUST PICK A SIDE dude!  You either want to date or you don't - right?!?!  Stop with the back and forth and back and forth and MIXED SIGNALS!  And my lovely mother would say every time.....Tammy, just be patient, the answer will come when the time is right.  (I love my mom!)  This made me want to scream every time she would say it!  ha ha  BUT - just as my mother said... every time, the answer DID eventually come and thank the Lord above that I waited out those times...it's amazing what you learn about someone over time... when you are patient (oooops - a virtue I lack) and stop searching so hard!  (those stories are for another blog on another day!)

**let me make a sidenote here:  while I'm not an avid astrology follower, I AM an Aries and trust me when I say - I contain EVERY personality trait characteristic of an Aries....."Aries live life head first; after all, those horns on your head are not just for fighting. Your headstrong nature can make you a "battering ram" and woe is the person who stands in your way. Aries are noted for courage primarily because you are nearly always ready for action. The need for excitement pushes you into new territory -- and as long as you are ahead of others while demonstrating confidence, chances are that they will follow you. As self-ordained leader of the pack, Aries fight for what you believe to be important. But it's not that Aries are fearless. Your courage is more of a commitment to face your fears and overcome them. Aries motto is "Ready, fire, aim!" It may be backwards for others, but you'd rather figure out what to do while you are doing it. While others are gathering information to make informed decisions, you are already on your way.

See - I'm just not wired to be comfortable in the gray!  LOL  I am notorious for growing wildly impatient while waiting for some kind of decision to be made!

Anyway - the point of today's blog is this:  after a very enlightening conversation with someone who has quickly (and unexpectedly) become a pretty special person to me - I realized - the gray & the unknown, although scary, are not so bad after all!  The gray is in fact, very crucial in EVERY aspect of life.  Not just in dating, but in friendships, work, raising children...etc.   I'm learning to embrace the gray and face my fears (don't tell anyone I just admitted to having fears) and even though it may not be in my genetic make up - I'm vowing to try to take the time to enjoy the journey.....not just jump to a destination just to have a place to land.  That place usually turns out to be a place I didn't want to be anyway...

Life isn't just black and white........and it isn't all gray either!
Thank goodness we also have COLOR   =)

Now - for my song today - I was going to do some "Color me Badd" BUT in looking for Color me Badd, I came across Boys II Men and GOSH - I just couldn't resist some Boys II Men!  But THEN I heard today that Randy Jackson produced the new Boyz II Men single...a cover of "open arms" by his old band Journey.  THIS:  Boys II Men, Journey & Open Arms - WOW!
(yes friends, THIS is how my brain works!)