Who is this kid? Who is this mom?

At 18, I found out I was pregnant.
Obviously, not being married and fresh out of high school, this was an unplanned big surprise to me...
Coming from a relationship with my mother that was not so perfect at the time, I planned to do everything "BETTER"!! 
I had NO idea what I was in for. 
After his birth, finding a joy and love in a child I never knew I could feel, I have also found a hurt that NO ONE else could ever put on me.

I have been a single mother for 15 years.  and YES - there have been hard times and OH YES, there have been many many mistakes.
I'm not perfect
nor did I ever claim to be
But I tried.... oh how I have tried.

My son is now about a week away from being 16.

And looking back over the years, I realize, being a mother is a constant looking back at what I did wrong.

I did my best to make sure my son always had not just his needs met, but also most of his "wants".  Turns out now all those things are taken for granted and being told NO makes me the meanest mom in the world.

I did my best to make sure the house was clean and clothes were washed and our place was nice, no matter where we lived.  Turns out now my son seems to be ignorant to what "cleaning your room" actually means, and even getting dirty clothes to the laundry room is a chore, much less turning on a washing machine or dryer.

I did my best to make sure decisions were made that would benefit him in the long run rather than making decisions based on a whim or a mood.  Turns out now all his decisions are based on what kind of mood he happens to be in that day.

I did my best to accentuate his talents in sports... basketball and baseball.  I did my best to make sure he always played and had what he needed and was praised for good efforts!  Turns out when everything was easy and handed to him, no effort was required on his part.  NOW anything that requires hard work or effort is not something he wants to be a part of.  He just wants to have fun.

I did my best to talk to him about peer pressure and alcohol and drugs and things he would soon be faced with.  Turns out I had NO idea how much more pressure there is on kids these days and things I thought he could stand up to, he didn't.

I did my best to raise him with values and work ethic and love and compassion and desire...
I did my best to show him how HARD we have to work everyday, but there is still time for fun...
I did my best to show him that no matter how hard life gets, his mom will always be here...
I did my best to show him that tough love means I love you, but I have to prepare you for hurt...


I did what I thought was right at the time, but I can say today that the more I thought I did right... the more that things just constantly remind me that it doesn't matter. 
Right or Wrong? 
There is no right or wrong!! 
All you can do is instill all the values in the world in your child and show them that you love them.
At some point, you have to release those mommy strings and LET THEM FALL.
and ohhhhhhhhhhh how that HURTS.
and ohhhhhhhh how it makes me feel like a failure and like I DID do everything wrong.

And every time I get a letter from a teacher at school, or a phone call from another parent, or a comment from my husband, or hear a story about a party, I am just reminded that after all these years....  I don't know who I am anymore... I don't know what to do anymore... I don't know where the line is between loving and letting go.

I don't know this child that resides in my home anymore.  And I don't know me anymore.
All I know is most days, my heart just hurts.
My pushing only causes fights.  He pushes back.
He's trying to spread his wings too.

So I walk away.... and let him fly.... and watch him fall.  And try to be here when he needs me.

I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore?
Did I EVER know??




Link up here to pour your heart out with Shelly - or go and read some of the other posts.

The joys of raising a boy mixed in with a little payback!

So - I was visiting ol' MOOOOOOG yesterday and he had this post about how he hates his teenagers (who aren't even teenagers yet!) and I told him - I have a few funny stories to tell about my teenager.
some COOL things for ya to look forward to Mooooooog!!!  {{HUGS}}

The bonus is ....... 

single MOM

raising a teenage BOY!!!!!!!!!

(uhhhhh hummmm....)

some things...well.......some things are just more appropriate from guy to guy.  But what choice do I have?!  so you can only imagine....we have had some pretty (cough...cough...choke...) awkward moments.....

Also - one in particular RECENTLY where I got a big ol' TASTE of that sweet little thing that my mother cursed me with called "payback"... or some of you may lovingly refer to it as "karma"!!  (and for anyone of you that are breathing... you know JUST what karma is......a BEEEEYAAAAATCH!!!!)

So - here we go...

just the other day...I received this adorable little package of tampons in the mail.  Some sort of sample by mail addressed to "Jane Doe OR current resident".  Well - who doesn't love free stuff in the mail......especially when it's TAMPONS in CLEAR plastic for all the world to see!  So my lovely child was all torn up cause I got them out of the mailbox while he was in the vehicle with me.  (awkward)   So we go inside and I go straight to the bathroom.  You must first understand that my bathroom is quite small.  You have to shut the bathroom door in order to get to the closet behind it.   So I go into the bathroom and push the door to.  As I did, my child yells from the living room.......
"Gosh mom.....are you going to get your period????"
AS IF I can just choose to go to the bathroom and get my period cause I got some new "cool" tampons in the mail
{Insert awkward conversation regarding Aunt Flo and her schedule of when she visits}

Another time......we were out of town for a baseball tourney.  I told the boy he could have a few friends stay with him and we would get a hotel room and stay another night.  Ya know - cool mom - let the boys hang out run around at the hotel, knock on peoples doors, roll down the flights of steps... sing campfire songs etc... those sorts of things.  Well - I had taken this big huge bowl of candy to the room.  Boy goes to the bathroom, comes out.  I look up and see a buldge.....in his shorts  :(   I immediately think he has STACKED his pockets full of candy trying to sneak it out of the room.... so what does mom do?!!!  I say (very loudly mind you)  "WHAT is in your pants?"   Boy looks up, looks down, adjusts.... and says  "huh?... nothin mom!"  (also keep in mind his friends are in the hotel room too, in the other part of the hotel room, but within earshot easily)  So I say again..... Geeeeeeez... get a grip mom!  "WHAT is in your pants?"  Poor baby boy looks up and says......  "GOSH MOM........IT'S MY PRIVATES!!!!!!!!"
{Insert red face and me yelling GOOOOOOO - just GO....get out of the room!}
The entire rest of the night and next day, his buddies kept saying  "hey Zack, what's in your pants?"
REAL nice mom!!!!!!
{{I despise silk basketball shorts!!}}

yeah - ok - so that's enough EMBARASSING stories for the day.......
(Lord he will KILL me if he reads this blog!!!!!!!)

So here's a nice little kick in the butt KARMA story for ya......
for all those times when you were a kid and you did things that you thought would NEVER come back to haunt you.....HA!!!!!!  Have a child and THINK AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

A while back, the child is IN TROUBLE.  I mean BIG TROUBLE!  He is grounded from LIFE!  He has called me at work, we are going round and round... grades, attitude, irresponsibility!!!  You NAME it!  I mean - I have grounded him for a MONTH!!!!!  longest time EVER!!!! 
I was VERY VERY unhappy!!
So I get off work on this day.... and walk into my front door.  The child is no where to be found.  I think he's in bed because usually when he's in trouble and can't do anything - he will just go to bed!
OH NO - he's NOT in bed........I looked upstairs, outside, all over the house......  NO WHERE!
So I call his cell phone.

Conversation goes like this:

Me:  WHERE are you?

Boy:  playing basketball

Me:  WHERE

Boy:  up at keriakes (it's a park up the street)

Me:  are you SERIOUS?????

Boy:  yup.

Me:  I cannot BELIEVE you went up there.  you KNOW you are grounded.  What the HELL were you THINKING?????????????

Boy:  I was thinking I wanted to play basketball and I was already in trouble anyway!

............................................................................................................
..................................................................................................
...................uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............................................

me:  get your butt home RIGHT NOW!

{{{CLICK}}}

The irony is.......during my silence, I flashed back to a time when I was younger and sneaking out of my house.  As my friend and I were pulling out of the driveway, the porch light came on. 
I KNEW I was busted. 
I looked at my friend and said "well GO!  I'm gonna be in trouble anyway!"

OUCH!!!!

KARMA!!!

GOOD LUCK MOOOOOOOOOOOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you got LOTS coming back to ya  *wink wink*