Did you just call me a liar?

Try and tell me that commitment isn't worth it

Or that working out can't be fun

Or that being committed TO working out doesn't work.

OR that there is any negative side to either: 
commitment or working out.

I will call YOU a liar SIR!

My obliques are CRYING for help today.
OUCH
They hurt.
Like I've been punched in the ribs like a punching bag....HURT

And it's GREAT!
WHAT?!!
Yep - it's fantastic.  Because I know I'm WORKING and I know that the work I'm doing is making changes in my body!

When I started this journey months ago - I had no idea what I was in for.
Or what I would learn... on so many levels.

I read a blog today - posted by Brandon Lilly - cube-bench-team-and-chatter regarding the gym and working out and the crew you work out with... and how you become a family.   And it brought a small tear to my eye.  (yes - I know.... EVERYTHING brings tears to my eyes.... I'm sensitive... soooo???)

Anyway - I realized once again - I am VERY lucky.
And once again I will thank God for bringing me through what He has brought me through for He knew where I would land.  And He knew what I needed.
And he OBVIOUSLY knew how strong I needed to be to get here.....  mentally and emotionally... and now even physically!!

When I started working out with these guys - I was so NOT happy about it.  I'm the only girl there.  And hello girls... as if being in the gym isn't intimidating enough... worrying about what you look like and if you're doing something wrong or right... so many things that you have NO idea about.  And then - I go in and listen to these guys yelling at each other.  YES.  Yelling.
Now - for those of you who know me, you KNOW I don't like to be put on display. I can do just about anything.... on my own.  Without an audience.  I'm not a public speaker or performer or whatever.   It makes me insecure for people to watch.
AND I'm sensitive.  Don't yell at me.  Good or bad... don't yell at me.   I'm my own worst critic and when I can't do something - it makes me mad.  And yes... sometimes I cry.  Because I'm frustrated.  At myself.  And then you yell at me to keep going?  {{Insert tears!}}
It was SCARY!!!
SO - When I saw that they did all these lifts together.... watching and critiquing... and cheering... I thought "NOPE"   Not for me.  I can't do this.   I don't need someone "pushing me" or cheering for me.  Just don't watch me.... or talk to me..... I'll be fine.

Or so I thought.

I was wrong.

THAT is what drives you.

YELL.  AT.  ME.     
PUSH.  ME!!!

When you are pushing the very depth of all you have left in you... when you are scraping the bottom of your tank and think you can't do ONE MORE SQUAT.  Then you hear "Come on Tammy.... push...."   There is nothing that drives you harder.
Your group
Your "boys"
Your support

Even when anyone or everyone has made me mad or hurt my feelings.... one yell to push me through washes it all away.
And then you hear "good work"
and all is well again.

There are nights in the gym when I want to punch someone in the face.  There are nights when I don't feel strong and I want to go off in the corner and work alone.  But it's those nights that one of the boys says something... anything to me... that reminds me how close knit this sport is and how we are always looking out for one another.

There really is nothing like it.

And the best part is that spirit carries over into EVERYone of those boys lives.

**sidenote**  For all you single girls out there - looking for a "GOOD" guy..... start at a power lifting meet.  I don't know that you can find a better man with a bigger heart anywhere out there

Are you calling me a liar?

Try it.

And just so you know Brandon Lilly - my girl crush IS and will remain Dana Linn Bailey... I mean - hello - have you SEEN HER????  (ha ha) 
BUT you Brandon - INSPIRE me today....   and I want to thank you for that.
You are the epitome of what this sport breeds.... an unending desire to not only make yourself better and stronger, but to also watch everyone around you get better and stronger and PUSH them to do so!

J -O -B !!!

My word for the day...
...along with a big big wake up call!

And not how you might think
So many people, what with the upcoming election and all, are talking talking talking about jobs, and the economy and the election on and on and on.....

Don't get me wrong, that is important - but I have something MORE important to talk about today.

J - O - B   JOB in a word.
PASSION in a feeling.
Mine - in particular.
(and in turn - yours too!)

I am an Ultrasound Technologist.

I have been a waitress, a bank teller, an admin assistant, a sales associate, a bartender....
In a nutshell  -I have always had a job!  A "show up, do your job, go through the motions, go home and pay your bills" kind of JOB.  No real passion
For anyone following my blog, you will remember that only a few short years ago - I left my full time job at the time, to go back to attend full time Ultrasound school!  This was a huge decision.  And a life altering one no matter what the turn out from school might be.
But nonetheless, I felt that I was in a position at my current job of going nowhere and my passion was lying somewhere else.  {it HAD to be!!}

As I went through school,   I - as does everyone else   - thought
"OOOOHHHHHHH babies!!!  I'm gonna ultrasound BABIES!!!  I'm gonna show people their babies and smile and oooohhh and ahhhhhhh!!!"

And I do!!!    But.....

Even after I learned QUICKLY that was not ALL I was gonna do....

Even after I learned there are OTHER things we look at....

Even after I learned (shortly after working) that there would be happy oooohhh ahhhhh days - and definitely NOT so happy, cry days....

Even after all of that
I vowed to NEVER be cold and heartless
to NEVER be that tech that doesn't shed a tear and turns a shoulder at sad news.
I vowed that EVEN when looking and scanning and "showing pictures" became so routine that I could do it in my sleep ( for anyone that does ultrasound - you KNOW that should never happen!)  even then - I vow to be PASSIONATE about what I do.

And for the most part - that is still true!

Now - don't get me wrong.... for those of you that work in health care - you know there are some crazies out there.  Heck - for those of you that leave your house EVER, you KNOW there are some crazies out there!!!!

But my favorite (shhhhhhh) moments are when I'm doing a boring arterial and I'm describing what I'm about to do to the patient and she smiles and looks up and says "You love your job don't you??  I can tell!!"   Yeah - I'm that bubbly on your nerves tech that you wanna smack when your having a bad day....
BUT I'm also that "love my job and will hold your hand and cry with you" tech when your having a sad day.

Sometimes I'm afraid I lose that.  Some days I feel cold and heartless
And then I read a story like the one I'm about to share with you.
And it REJUVENATES my passion for what I do working in healthcare.   It rejuvenates my faith in doctors and nurses and ultrasound techs and everyone involved in a person's healthcare needs.

It REJUVENATES my passion and keeps me strong
and it makes me keep my heart and it LET'S me cry with the mommy that gets bad news.... and also cry with the mommy who gets good news.

Some days are fun and some days are not.
What we have to remember is - the patient is just that - a patient.  A PERSON.  And they have a story too.  And the cold bitter shoulder - or the warm tender compassion you show them can make all the difference.

I am blessed to have a job that I truly LOVE.
I am blessed to have the interaction with people that I have EVERY day.  (crazy and all!!)

I believe I am where I am for a reason......
God placed that passion in my heart and God put me where he could use that passion to glorify him.  I believe that.

Please read the link I have posted below.
What a tragic sad story with such an uplifting, passionate and GOD GLORIFYING family.  Grab your Kleenex, you will need it.
And when you're done reading - say a prayer for that family - and then THANK GOD for all the blessings that he has given you.
and for those sad days.... Thank him for those too - because they can somehow be used for blessings.

It is Well with my Soul

My favorite quote from this particular blog -

"I am convinced His ways are not our ways. They are far better."

 

Linking up with SHELL!!!!!!!!

It's a PaRtY at my house!!!!!!

well....
I mean....
I AM the ONLY one here...
and I'm studying...
and I'm in my PJ's....

BUT - I'm having my own little party right here in my PJ's on my couch!

TODAY was my VERY last day of clinicals!!!
whooooooo hoooooooooo

I am DONE.... D.  O.  N.  E. ... DONE with school!!
No more tests (that I know of)
No more homework
No more 3 AM commutes to random clinical sites...
No more grades
No more check offs

I'm DONE!

(before you get TOO excited - I do still have to take my Boards... which determine my certification... and I'm studying my BUTT off for those...)
BUT
I am no longer a student!

Guess what I am.......

A FULL TIME Diagnostic Medical Sonographer.

I got my offer letter yesterday and as soon as I can get this first Board test out of the way, I will begin full time employment in a facility doing exactly what I went to school to do.
And you have to understand..... jobs are not plentiful in this field right now.  And the jobs that ARE there, are typically of the PRN nature and taking call.
I however, have the holy grail of ultrasound jobs.  A full time daytime position.  No nights, no holidays, no call... you get the idea  :)
YAY!
I'm soooooo excited!

And I would like to say a big huge THANK YOU to my almighty God who has set this path in motion LONG before I even knew that the path existed at all!  I look back and see the stepping stones that have been being laid for years!!!!!!

Also a big THANK you to all my family and friends who have supported me and prayed for me, along with my teachers and my fellow classmates!

This has been one AMAZING roller coaster of a year....
lots of changes; lots of new friends; lots of new places; and my brain might just explode.....
But this ride is about to pull into the station and begin a whole new journey.
And I thank God above for it ALL!

Keep praying... still have Boards to pass!  :)

I'm confused.... no wait.... maybe I'm not?

So I work hard.
I do.
I try to make wise decisions.
I try to plan for a future.
I'm not malicious.
I don't like to hurt people.
It's not in my nature.
{Wait, I'm also NOT a doormat; tread lightly!}

So why is it that I am now in a position where I can look back at choices I have made, steps I have taken to lead me down the current path I'm on...
I look back and see how one decision led to another decision that led to another decision....
making one opportunity turn into another opportunity and then yet another opportunity.
And it EXCITES me.  It AMAZES me.  It brings me to my knees what God has done in my life.  I look at these things and I am in AWE.

YET......

No matter how hard I try.... and no matter how thankful I am.... I look around and I see people around me getting hurt.  I look around and I see people back-stabbing and talking behind backs.  I hear people putting ME down.  I get word back that so-and-so said THIS, and so-and-so said THAT....  that just because something good happened to me, everyone assumes that I did something wrong and everyone automatically puts me down.  People question MY character.
At no point have I maliciously done anything to anyone.... I'm simply trusting in God to take me where I need to be.... but because of decisions I have made and paths I have taken, people get hurt, people turn evil, people turn ugly.

So at what point do I get to be thankful without hurting someone's feelings?!
At what point am I treated like a person and not like someone who set out to hurt YOU?

Human nature is just UGLY.

I guess all I can do is thank MY GOD for what he has done in my life and the opportunity he has provided and the people he has put in my life to love and protect me.  And pray for those who choose to let life make them ugly and bitter

I am NOT confused about what to be thankful for. 

I AM confused as to why people act the way they act?!

Movin on UP!

to the East side....
I finally got a piece of the piiiie!!!  LOL

so.....
GUESS WHAT!!!
I'm just here to brag...
just a little...
while still being HUMBLE because I still KNOW my place on the food chain

BUT

I'm all about recognizing baby steps
or ANY steps - when they are in the RIGHT direction!

GUESS WHAT I did today?!!

I did THREE ultrasound scans today ALL BY MYSELF!
that's right!
just me, the patient, and an ultrasound machine.

And it was three different studies.  One of which being an OB scan... 20 week baby which is the longest most intense study I can think of (as of now anyway.... still being a dummy newbie and all)
Now - GRANTED - a real TRAINED tech comes in behind me and takes better more pictures, and takes the pictures I might have forgotten been unable to get... and the measurements that I screwed up didn't get quite right....

BUT

regardless.... I felt somewhat accomplished today.
at least a little more confident.

and CONFIDENCE along with education, and training and LOTS of experience is a KEY component to a long healthy and HAPPY career choice!  whooooo hooooooo!!!
RIGHT!??

PAINT ME HAPPY!
and bring on the weekend!!!!!!!

gave up the ghost.... I'm gonna JUMP!

Sometimes...
you just have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down.




Kobi Yamada



You know how you go through life and you take little small "leaps of faith" here and there.

Well - effective today - (actually I've been leading up to this for a while...)
anyway - effective today - I'm taking like FOURTEEN leaps of faith all at one time!

Yes that's right.
Throwing caution to the wind...
completely 100% putting my life and world in God's hands.

NOT that I don't do that every day...
but do you ever come to a point where a decision needs to be made... and then another one... and then another one???

You see... I'm not a patient person.  I'm just not.
I have prayed for patience... begged for it actually.  I want to know the answer before you ask the question.  Waiting games just drive me INSANE.

{I think back to when I started this blog.....every day in GRAY... the unknown.  I hate it.  Black and White.  That's what I like.  Right or wrong.  Yes or No.  Go or stay.....  none of this wishy washy depending on others what if's crap.  Well - after over almost a YEAR of blogging....I have learned....  the gray is where we GROW!!!}

So - here I am - jumping WIDE OPEN into all kinds of Gray!!!  and while there are and still will be times when I'm scared and I freak out (thank goodness for T!)  most of the time, I TRUST that God has a plan for me and he puts me in situations where I learn, and grow, and witness and become a better person.

SO - I stop asking questions and I thank God for holding me in his hands.

As most of you know - I am getting married in ...... approximately 5 weeks now.....  LEAP of faith!  ;-)
I love T - I know that.  and I KNOW he loves me.  That isn't the leap.  THIS is a whole new life for me.  Sharing.  Loving.  Making decisions for a family, not JUST me & Z anymore.  Living with another person.  Learning another person......
LEAP.

I start school in approximately 4 weeks now.  This is not night classes part time when I can squeeze them in.  I have done that for years.  Heck - that's how I got my degree from Western.  No No... this is FULL TIME 8 AM - 3:30 PM  Monday - Friday real life "going back to school."  Add on top of that clinicals in several different locations at different times, different days.  THIS is a full time commitment.

Do you remember that I work FULL TIME people.
I have a mortgage, I have a vehicle, I have bills, I have to eat, we need gas.....
Going to school full time, does NOT pay the bills.
So remember not too long ago - I got a second job.

well........turns out - no matter HOW superhuman I think I am..... there aren't physically enough hours in the day to do EVERYTHING.  {shrugs...}  Who knew?!!

So - once I got accepted into school (remember that?) - I tendered a resignation at my full time job.  Knowing I would be in school full time, I knew there was no way I could be in two places at one time.  HOWEVER, because I have been at my current job for YEARS and I have the best boss in the world - we have talked and talked and talked about how in the world I could possibly go to school and somehow maintain my position in my job.  No matter how much we have talked and thought and worked and brainstormed.... it just isn't possible.

So today.... I gave up the ghost.

Although I gave notice long ago.... today was sort of a ton of bricks for me.  I don't know why today - of all days it hit me. 
But it did.
I have resigned from a full time job.... to go to school FULL TIME instead.
and work part time at my second job as my full time means of income......

OH Lordy Lordy Lordy....... what have I done?!

I'll tell ya........

I JUMPED.
I took a leap of faith..... (wonder if T wanted to take that jump straight from the alter!  ha ha)
I'm kidding.
He has been nothing but supportive.

I know (as does my T!) - that God would not have opened the doors he has opened and put me in places he has put me, if he didn't KNOW that me and my new family will be just fine.   He will hold us in his hand where he always keeps me.

So......... here.........we ........... GOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

and  once again - so sorry I have been SOOOO absent from the blog world.
Been planning a wedding, planning for school, planning for new members in the house, working two jobs, ohhhhh - and did I mention - PLANNING A WEDDING...ha ha
Things are going well.....
Life is good
and as I jump through life from cliff to cliff - Life couldn't be any better and I couldn't be any HAPPIER!!!!!!

PS - I don't know if you follow Scope or not - but I have been reading about he and Cora's wedding and I am soooooooooooo excited!
Stop by and tell them Congrats!!!!!
Both of them share pre-wedding and wedding stories that are sooo touching and sweet - AND freaking HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!
Go now.....
go on...

I'll be back.....
hopefully more frequently.....

I have engagement pictures to share and a FUNNY FUNNNNNNY FUNNNNNY {a little private} story to share on myself........  I'm still debating on whether or not I WANT people to know this!!!!  But I can assure you - every time T and I look at our engagement pics - we will have a nice "PRIVATE" laugh!  LMAO!

Wanna walk a mile in MY shoes?!

CHECK...
CHECK... CHECK...
put a fork in me - I'm done!!!!

Training day #1 is done.....Training day #2 is done...
These are the days I start back at square one in a new place...new job.... but not JUST a "new" job - an ADDITIONAL job!
It sux being the "new guy"
However - I will say - everyone has been NOTHING BUT NICE and that helps tremendously!
Because throughout the experience, I have been quickly reminded that - WOW - I'm old!!!  LOL

I have spent my fair amount time in the food industry.  Paid my dues, did my time and moved into my "normal" 9-5 day job leaving my nights open for having a life!  HA   yeah right!
I forgot what HARD work it is!!!!
not just physically (cause it is that too!) but also mentally and sometimes even emotionally!

BUT - BRING IT ON!!!!

I've got bills to pay off and things to SAVE FOR!!!!!!!
sacrifice now - celebrate later!!!!!!!
Besides.....I am ONE TOUGH COOKIE!

my mom life made me this way!

All those hard days when I thought "God.....WHAT are you doing to me?"  They were all to prepare me for where I am today!  I know that!
So.....bring on day #3 and day #4 of training.
Bring on 9 hours during the day at one place, which leads straight to a night filled with salmon and chicken and scallops and lots and lots of wine!
I can do this!
who really needs a social life anyway - better to make money and NOT have the time to spend it! 
HOW ELSE am I gonna get these bills paid off?

....crossin things off my list - one by one!  :)

Broken and spilled out... some days I'm just not strong enough..

So I've kinda been quiet on the blog front this week.....
I wasn't really sure that I could open myself up anymore...

but then I remembered - THIS is why I blog!!!  ha ha
it's therapy people!

So I'm sharing...

This past Wednesday we began a women's bible study at church.  I am leading the class and chose a Beth Moore study (A woman's heart: God's dwelling place)   This was Beth's very first bible study so I thought it would be a good place to start.  And I'm REALLY excited about the study. 

BUT - Wednesday - we had yet to get the books passed out, so this week was simply a time of introduction and getting to know each other.  I used this first meeting with the women to share a little bit of me... and my soul... and what God has done in my life.  I shared a somewhat condensed version of my testimony of my life with Christ.

Let me first say - I am NO public speaker by any means.  (I'm talking a NERVOUS WRECK people!!)  I could ONLY be doing this through lots of prayer and the good Lord holding my hand.  I will also tell you - I have been through ALOT!  And I'm a pretty emotional girl.... so I provided Kleenex.  My story definitely has hills and valleys, but the good part is, I know now that I am where God can use me.  And THAT makes me smile.

So I shared this with all the women on Wednesday night.  (maybe I will share it with you all sometime...) And we agreed to go on this bible study journey together.  And I'm SO excited to take this walk WITH THEM and to learn and study God's Word.

BUT - Wednesday night, I came home after class.  Alone.  Z wasn't home.... Preacher T was still at church playing music.... and I guess THIS is where the devil works.  I was absolutely drained.  Broken.  Emotional.  did I mention broken???  and alone....  And maybe God intended it to be this way... so that I lean on him instead of anyone else.....
then Thursday.... man.... WHAT a day...  I essentially spent the entire day second guessing myself and questioning things I said or didn't say.... and just basically beating myself up???  WHYYYY this self inflicted torture?  I don't know!!!
But I do know, the rest of my week has been tough...
I have probably spent WAY too much worrying about this...

And there's more...

At work, I was telling someone about the bible study and how it went, and while talking about this - someone else in the office overheard...  and proceeded to walk out into the hallway and say  "YOU are teaching the class???  I didn't even know you went to church!"
ummm......OUCH!
I of course laughed it off and made a joke out of it.  But really??!!  Have I been THAT bad of a witness??
This only added to the self inflicted torture.
Want another twist to the story - a different lady I work with, that I had actually invited to the study was talking about it and was overhead by someone else, which spawned yet ANOTHER conversation!!!!

You guys.... the REST of the week at work, this has been the TOPIC of conversation.  That TAMI is teaching a bible study!
AGAIN- did I appear to be such a horrible person that THIS news is THAT worthy??!!!

Don't get me wrong.  I know it's not that big of a deal.
And I told my friend who I invited to the study that I believe you just never know what might come from the talk.... this whole thing could make a difference in someone's life.  I feel like no matter what is being said, if the Lord is brought up in conversation, no matter HOW, it could be something that someone needs to hear?
So I don't want you to think I'm sitting here beating myself over other's opinions of me.

I think it was more that I opened and poured myself out for God.... and WHAT BETTER TIME for doubt and fear and questions to creep into my head.  Not so much questioning what I said, or my testimony or that I'm walking in God's will... but maybe just questioning whether or not I'm worthy.

Does that make sense???

I just feel not worthy.

this sentiment has proceeded to creep now into other areas of my life....
I won't go into too much detail about that because .... well.... you guys don't want to know THAT much about me!  ha ha
(plus this could VERY easily turn into a 2 hour long post!)

So I will leave you with this.......
I do believe I am where I am supposed to be.  I am VERY excited about our bible study and I DO intend to share what we are doing!   (hopefully either on Wednesday after class or on Thursdays!)  I would love for you all to join in and hopefully the lessons we learn on Wednesday can be spread all through out bloggy world  :)   *and facebook world too*

Thank you guys for listening reading.... and if you pray, please keep me in your prayers.

I also wanted to share one of my fav songs before I go.
I hope it touches someone out there.....

Motivational Monday :) my favorite Christmas Moments

Well - it's Monday and all the fuss and fun is behind us.  Everyone can breathe again.. and luckily it's a short work again to get us slowly broken back into the routine.  (I'm actually off today - but I am NOT rubbing that in your face....wink wink)
I personally had a GREAT Christmas... so today - my motivational Monday post will be to share 2 of my most favorite (although there were lots..) moments from my Christmas this year..

FIRST would be that Adam spent the night with me Christmas Eve.  As per routine, Zack and I watched Christmas movies and drank hot chocolate on Christmas Eve...this year Adam joined us!  We watched 8 crazy nights (which if you have never seen, I highly recommend.  I love Adam Sandler and it's HILARIOUS!) and we watched It's a Wonderful Life.  Zack even watched it...all of it.  What a great classic!  After that, Adam helped me wrap (well....he watched while I wrapped anyway - HA) and then he stayed.  There was not much that could top waking up Christmas morning in his arms.  My BEST present this year..... finally having the man I have waited my whole life for  :)


My other favorite is actually a bunch rolled into one....added together to remind me what a great kid I have.  If you remember, Zack's present this year was going to the UK/UNC game.  I told him the game was his present and not to expect anything more on Christmas day.  Well of course, I couldn't allow there to be NOTHING under the tree...so I had a few gifts...some jeans, a new basketball, an AWESOME UNC hat...and then of course he had stuff at my parents.  Anyway - after all was said and done, Z looked at me and said this was the best Christmas ever.  He said "I wasn't expecting to get anything for Christmas after the game, so everything I got today was like gravy...."  I'm just glad to have a child that doesn't EXPECT life to be handed to him on a silver spoon...so he appreciates the things he does have.  I'm just glad to know I have raised a son with a heart....and I will pray every day that he never loses that gift.

This was my BEST Christmas yet!  Adam also got to spend time with my ENTIRE family...playing Rook.  Wonder if this was HIS best Christmas yet?!!??   LOL    my family is alot to handle  ;-)

Hope everyone has an awesome week....What was YOUR best Christmas present/moment??

The tight roll has a purpose? who knew!!!

So I went to lunch today and I'm just PRAYING to get back to work before this horrific storm hits.  The sky is black and I knew this was gonna be a freaking ridiculous monsoon - right!!??   So I rush my butt off at lunch, trying to get back and inside the building before it hits.

Nope - didn't make it.  Pulled in the parking lot and began to gather my belongings to get out of the truck - when all of a sudden, the sky opened up!   GREAT!  I'm trapped in my truck.  (which was cool for a minute cause I got to catch up on all the blog comments from recent posts!)  BUT I have to get back inside.  So as I'm gathering my things to make a run for it, I remembered how much I HATE walking in the rain in my dress pants.  They ALWAYS get freaking soaked and then I have to sit with my legs over my heater for the next 30 minutes to dry them out!

BUT - - lightbulb - I had an idea!

I tightrolled my pants!!!  LMAO!  yes I did!  rolled those suckers right up, put up my umbrella and headed for the door!  Got inside, unrolled them (although I contemplated rolling into my department like that just to see what kind of looks I got!)  ha ha

ANYWAY - point of the story - THERE IS A PURPOSE for tight rolling your pant legs!  (besides a dorky fashion faux pas from the 90's?!?!)

Who knew?!?!?

My pant legs are dry as a bone!  =)