Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Mission Impossible

Soooooo - I'm ONLY gonna share this story - because I love my readers and my crap has been WAY too serious lately - so let me just go ahead and throw myself under the bus for ya!

As you all know, I have changed my diet and I have made this big "bet" with my coach about getting visible abs.  So I'm all HARD CORE eating clean... eating healthy... counting calories, adding protein.... drinking water like it's my JOB!!!!
Because when I set my mind to something - it's ON like Donkey Kong YO!!


So tonight - was my first night back in the gym....
it's been.... ummmmmmm - since before I started Ultrasound school since I've really hit a gym hardcore with a goal in mind.

This is ALSO a different plan than I have ever been on before....
BUT I trust my coach, he has a plan.... and for ONCE in my life I'm trying REALLY REALLY hard to follow instructions and trust someone else!!!  (ya know - besides my ol' trusty Miss Independent... the one that does things MY way on MY time!)

Anyway - I trust in Coach B - so I'm ALL HARD CORE FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS!!!!!!

So let's start here......
I walk into the gym today - to start LIFTING!!!!!   Not running on a treadmill or jumping rope or doing crunches.... or ya know - those "typical" lose weight exercises that I expect in a gym.
I was instructed that we would be doing:
Bench Presses (not on a machine.... on a bench... with correct form.  I even watched videos on correct form!),
Squats (no - not with some hand weights.... but with a bar - on my BACK.... PS - I hate squats),
and Chin Ups!  (ok - how many girls out there can do a chin up?  on your own?  REALLY??)

So going in - I'm not having alot of faith in ME.   But my coach does - so it's all good.

I trudged my way through the work out  (some things I'm proud of - and some I'm not....)
I'm gonna share my LEAST favorite part.

Anyone who knows me.... I'm a very strong willed hard headed chick.  When I put my mind to doing something it truly is do or die.  I don't like it ONE SINGLE BIT when I try to do something and I can't.
Insert SQUATS.   (did I mention I HATE squats)
But apparently THAT is the single solitary MOST important exercise in the gym...  apparently if you were told you could only do ONE exercise, that should be your exercise of choice.
AND.......... as it turns out - I SUCK at them!!!!!!!
I don't know why.  I tried correct form... I listened, I followed directions.... blah blah blah.... whatever... but I can NOT put the bar behind my back and squat!
So my great little coach improvised and I did front squats.
(which apparently is the backwards way to go about things....... SHOCKER.... when have I ever done anything the right way?!!  LOL)

I somehow trudge through....  3 sets.   Pitiful, but squats nonetheless.

Have you all ever done a squat?
with or without weight in your hands?  on your shoulders?
have you ever done A SQUAT???

My.  Legs.  Equal.  JELLO!!!!!!!!!!!

But in true HARD CORE fashion - I told you I can't STAND it when there is something that I can't physically do.... so me and my hard head came home and watched a "correct squat" video.
And I decided to "practice" my form with a broom.
A BROOM people.....   one single solitary LIGHT ASS broom!

I put it on my back, as though I were holding a bar back there....... with absolutely NO WEIGHT on it.

And I squatted down.

AND I FELL!!!!!!!  

FLAT on my DERRIERE!!!!!!!!!!
SURE did!!!!!!!!!!

Not because the broom weighed too much
and not because I lost my balance...
but for NO other reason than my legs are J.E.L.L.O!!!!!!

I could do NOTHING but sit in my bathroom floor in my house all alone in front of the mirror and just freaking laugh my butt off!!!!!!!!!!!


So now that I have COMPLETELY embarrassed myself for the evening, me and my jello legs are gonna try to take it easy tonight..... no more practicing with my broom.

My poor Coach B!!!  LOL
He must be so proud  ;-)

SERIOUSLY though...  I do have a GREAT coach and he was very supportive and PATIENT with me tonight .....
(I'm a COMPLETE whiny butt when I work out... I don't wanna quit - I just wanna cry about it... and you just have to tell me to shut up and do it...)

All in all - it was a GOOD first work out back in the gym - and I'm totally PUMPED for more!!
I may not have done a CORRECT squat tonight
and I might have just FALLEN flat on my BEHIND in my own bathroom floor....
I can tell you - that picture up there in my blog - of that chick doing the bench press....
I DO know that!!!!!!
And I did at LEAST have good form on the bench press!!!

Baby steps.......
Mission Impossible IS possible!!!
Just you wait and see!
(After I find my legs again!!)   :)

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Studently speaking...

Friday is upon us - HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!

This officially marks the second week of my lifestyle change
(NOT diet!)

There have been other small changes too....
But by far the most drastic change has been my horrible horrible diet!!!  I'm officially "eating clean".
This will NOT however be the most drastic change in the end...
there is still lots to do!!!!

Over the past two weeks - I have had ZERO Mountain Dew and ZERO sweet tea!!  You have to understand - I am a soft drink / sweet tea JUNKIE!  So for me - this IS huge in itself!!!  I have drank nothing but water for almost 2 weeks!!!!  I mean....aside from the ONE cup of coffee I still allow myself in the AM!! 
I said I was changing my eating/drinking habits, but that in NO WAY made me a better morning person without my coffee!  HA!  I did at least switch to splenda and fat free creamer!  :)

And here's the kicker - it hasn't been as hard as I was afraid it was going to be!
It really is about making smarter choices and PLANNING AHEAD!!!  I am soooo not a planner - but I have done pretty well because I put my mind to a goal and we're going for it!
I have prepared in advance (I mean actually cooked!) something to take and eat for lunch every day since I made this change.   I don't even cook dinner people, but I'm on a mission! 
So let me correct that - I DIDN'T cook dinner..... now I cook in bulk!!!  for lunch AND dinner!!  :)

IT'S ON!!!!

AND - I have lost 5 pounds!!

Don't think I'm trying to get all anorexic on ya.... I'm losing FAT (pounds), in order to gain back MUSCLE (pounds).  It's not the number on the scale as much as it is about transforming your body!!!

And this girl has made a nice little $100 wager with her Coach B about who can get VISIBLE ABS first!!!
I have NEVER had visible abs.....
So this is a BIG GOAL for me.....
But we are pushing each other ....

And next week - I start being PUSHED literally by Coach B in the gym.  Let me just tell you that THIS guy dead lifts for fun!!!  Dude is built.  And strong.   And he's gonna push me till I cry  (it's ok - I gave him permission to do so!!)

And hopefully - my goal... no - NOT hopefully - but MY GOAL IS to have visible abs, FIRST all before coach - and SECOND of all, I would like to sport them around before the summer is over!!!!!!!!!  ha ha




My reward for this week..... what I've been looking forward to all week is.......
Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup flavored protein shakes tomorrow!!!!!!
You see....... it's ALL about PERSPECTIVE!!!!!!!!!!

So I'm giving myself an A+ so far.  Coach is proud of me... SO - I think I'm off to a good start.   Next week starts the physical pushing and transforming!

Hope I keep all A's!!!!!

Anybody wanna journey with me?????  You are all welcome to make a better you!!  :)

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I'm feeling kinda "Holey"

I feel a bit "HOLEY" as of late.
What's that you ask?!!
Oh.... mostly just full of holes... voids... pieces missing... like a jigsaw puzzle that people keep stealing pieces out of until you can no longer tell what the picture used to be....

My son and only child turned 17 this week.  17!!!  That means that this time next year, he will be an "adult" (according to the state of KY - not necessarily according to ME!).  He will be venturing out of my home and off to college and step by step on to his way of discovering himself .... "who he is"... the man he's gonna be.
OH - there are so many swells of pride in me!!  I'm so proud of the man he's becoming.  I'm so proud of his spirit and his heart and his passion and his tender caring nature.  I'm so proud that he WANTS to be something... that he WANTS to go to college.... I'm so proud that he's actually worried that he doesn't know yet exactly what he "wants to be when he grows up".  I'm so proud that he is giving... that he is selfless.... that he genuinely WANTS to do the right thing (though I know at 17 that doesn't always happen!!)   Oh I'm so proud of the man he is growing in to!!!!!
I am lucky!!
I am blessed!
and I am ohhhhhhh so VERY thankful!!

BUT - here's where I get holey......

He's growing up on me......

Then what?!!

So he leaves... he goes off to college.... and it's just me.
I've been a SINGLE MOM for all of my adult life.   That's me.
Tammy the "single mom" and her son Z.  It's who I am.  It's what I know.

And then he leaves.....
And it's just me. 

Now - don't get me wrong - I know that I am still his MOM and there will be different hurdles to cross as he becomes an adult too.  But.... ya know - it's different.
And honestly....
I'm scared
and holey... already.

And it's a year away.

The other part is this:

I often get really sad when i see couples... having their first baby... and I'm doing their first ultrasound.
They are so sweet.... and happy.... and in love.... and doing something together - that frankly - I never had!!
I am VERY happy for my patients... and it overwhelms me sometimes the joy that a couple shares in that moment....
because you see......   I never had that.
...thus the term "single" parent.
Z's dad has been a part of his life and, for the most part - I'm thankful for that.
But he and I were never married.
And I was young....
And alone....
And I did it all myself.  (with the help of a loving family and great friends to keep me sane!)  ha

And while I'm THANKFUL for the strong independent woman I am today....
I guess the shared joy of bringing a baby into this world with your soulmate, is just a blessing that I missed out on....
And as Z walks away from me to stand on his own two feet
I'm left standing....
closer and closer to 40 and truthfully - physically UNABLE to have another child.
And it becomes more and more of a reality - that once he's gone - my ship has sailed for the husband and the baby and shared joys of ultrasounds and little tiny baby feet and 3 am feedings.

And it becomes more about no longer HAVING a choice
and less about being able to MAKE the choice.

Don't get me wrong.
Life has been VERY good to me.
And I am VERY thankful for all the blessings I've been given... I know that I am unworthy of them all.

But at the same time.... sometimes, I just feel holey.
Today is just one of those days...... or weeks.... or something like that.....

 It's been a while since I've poured my heart out.  Too worried about the people that read my blog that shouldn't......   but whatever.
It's more for the people who do and SHOULD!  :)
So I'm linking up today........

Also - I'm begging you - I DO know that there are women out there that want a baby with all of their being and can't get pregnant.... I understand your pain - I do and I know I'm lucky and blessed to have a child of my own.   Please don't judge me while I'm being all whiny and holey.


Monday, May 14, 2012

Motivational Monday ...this is how we (should) roll

"I believe that the definition of definition is reinvention.  To not be like your parents.  To not be like your friends.  To be yourself.   Completely."  Henry Rollins

I read something recently, at the recommendation of a friend. 

(NO - not 50 shades of gray... I already read that.... no one needed to recommend THAT!  ha)

Anyway - it's called The Iron  by Henry Rollins.  (feel free to click that link and read it yourself!)
When I read it - it sent my head into a tailspin!!!  I felt every single word written there!!!

Don't you remember being a teenager.... and gosh there were SOOOOO many expectations... you had to dress a certain way, and talk a certain way, and attend certain parties, and go to certain places, and have certain friends....  I mean the EPITOME of high school was being "just like everyone else!"   So you fit in!!!  My oh MY how high school warps us for real life!!

I tell people all the time, the older I have gotten, the less I care what people think.  And it's true.  I don't NEED to be like anyone else.... I don't need to do anything but be ME!  Now don't get me wrong.  I don't walk around intentionally stepping on people or intentionally hurting people's feelings for the sport of it.  But I HAVE learned as I've gotten older that accidentally hurting someones feelings is the least of my worries!  Now don't get me wrong - we all want to be liked and accepted.  And I'm not telling you to be a hateful old prude with no feelings.....  I'm just saying - be you and be comfortable enough to be that... be at ease with who you are!
Remember.... #1 - no one is gonna take care of me, but ME!  If the bills need to be paid, well I need to keep a job making enough money to PAY the bills.  DUH!!  It is no one else's responsibility but mine.  If someone likes me or doesn't, I still have to take care of me.  And the irony is - I don't have to work at a certain place, or dress a certain way, or go to certain places in order to get that done.  I don't "need" someone else's approval.  It's on me.  Period.
This isn't high school people.
This is real life.

Your best friend isn't gonna be waiting at your locker to remind you how AWESOME you are (chances are the ones in high school that did that were likely talking about you behind your back!)

The reality of life is this - "nothing good comes without work and a certain amount of pain" (Rollins).  Whether it be what you want out of life, what you want in your job, what you want in a relationship, what you want in your family, or what you want out of your mind body and soul.....  good doesn't just appear.  You must work for it.  Sometimes you learn from the BAD in order to work for the good.
It's the circle of life!
And those hard times, those trials, those learning experiences.... the times that push you to the edge and you have NO choice but to keep going...  it is out of THOSE times that you TRULY find WHO you are... WHAT you are made of.... the person that you are deep down inside.  THOSE are the times to be thankful for.....
"I have never met a truly strong person who didn't have self-respect."  (Rollins)
Out of those times, we look back and reflect.... look what you just survived... look what you just came through... and your still standing.  You may have war wounds... there may be scars that stick around forever - but they only serve to remind you just how strong and resilient the human body and HEART truly are!!!!

.... and others will see THAT.   Not who you dress like or who you act like or what you drive.... It doesn't work like that....  when people look at you - they should see the extra pep in your step... the way that you carry yourself... the pride in discovering who you truly are!!
"Strength reveals itself through character"  (Rollins)

As adults, love who you are.... and love what made you who you are.  Don't spend so much time trying to please everyone else...... who cares?!  Hurt someones feelings (not on purpose... that's not what I'm saying)  but stop running around trying to prove something to someone.... stop worrying that you aren't who someone thinks you are.
After all - God doesn't make mistakes...... he made you just as you are.
BE.  YOU!!!
and be PROUD of it!!!!

She's the girl that believes what comes around, goes around.  
The one that hopes for a better day.  The one who won't give up on you.  
She's the girl that's unlike the rest.  
The one that spent her days smiling and her nights crying.  
She's the girl that would love to be loved.  
The one that looks so dang strong, but feels so dang weak.  
She's the girl that picks herself up every time she falls.....

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


One of the first things to do in order to grow as a person is to admit your faults.  Admit your weaknesses.  Forgive yourself for your shortcomings!!!

 Makes sense.... right?!!

Wanna know my biggest one?!
I don't have a problem admitting it.....
(shhhhhhhh - don't tell anyone!)

It's patience
I have none.  With anything...
myself.... my child sometimes.... life... whatever it may be?!

I'm a child of instant gratification.
I'm an impulse shopper... I'm an impulse vacationer.... I'm an impulse skydiver!!!
((PS - I just like to refer to it as SPONTANEOUS!!!)

OK - so I know this.
I have admitted it time and time again.

My question is - HOW do you get past that?
Is there somewhere I can go to BUY some patience??!!!
Cause I need plenty.

If admitting it is the first step - whats the next step??
Someone told me to pray for patience one time.  BUT I remember distinctly a woman I went to church with saying DO NOT PRAY FOR PATIENCE, because God will give you trial after trial after trial until you LEARN patience!!!
I've had my share of trials...... I have!!
And It's not that there is anything wrong.
Life is good.

But I was reminded again today that I have no patience.  Just for example, I have been "lifestyle (diet) changed" for 3 whole days now....  THREE
And I got on the scale today.
Wanna know what it said.....
it LAUGHED!!!!
It taunted me with ONE FREAKING POUND.

Now granted I just changed my diet 3 days ago, but I started exercising last week.
Can I see a little fruit of my labor (passing up all those blizzards and chik-fil-a and mexican and well... just eating out!)?!!  LOL

I'm really ok.  Most days I'm fine.  Most days I don't think about it...
but then I drive past that yellow convertible camaro and I want it now!!!!!  (dont' get me wrong, I know I have other things to take care of first, but it aggravates me nonetheless that I can't just go to the dealership TODAY and have it in my driveway tonight.)

If you know where I can get some, let me know  :)

(my "swole" coach would appreciate it too!  ha!  I'm already on his nerves with "what results?  I see NO results?"  )

PS - I'm SURE there are many other character flaws I possess, but THAT one is my vice...  my Achilles heel... the one I can't seem to conquer.

Monday, May 7, 2012

I'm bringing sexy back!!

GAME ON!!!!!!!!
Today is the big day....
(well... one of many big days to come)

Today is the day that I get my "sexy back"  ha ha

Today I begin my new lifestyle diet!!
Last week I started at least making an effort to walk/run a few days a week... got my feet wet.
and it got me wanting more.....

So starting today - I'm on a high protein, lower calorie diet (thanks to my "swole" coach B!)

I'm not going to get all crazy on ya - but I am starting a new diet, a new workout plan... and a new ME!
It's time to get this butt back in shape and bikini ready!  ha ha    Cause it is soooooooo not right now!

I DO plan to take before and after pics....
you can't see the before pics until the AFTER pics are better
I have to have something to be proud of before I go showing my J-E-L-L-O!!!  ha ha

So anyway - HAPPY MONDAY to you all!!!
Some words to make you smile......

We are what we repeatedly do.  EXCELLENCE, therefore is not an act, but a HABIT!  ~Aristotle~
(change your daily actions until they become habit!)

If you want to succeed in the world, you must make your own opportunities as you go on.  The man who waits for some seventh wave to toss him on dry land will find that the seventh wave is a long time a coming.  You can commit no greater folly than to sit by the roadside until some one comes along and invites you to ride with him to wealth or influence.  ~John B. Gough~
(go jump out of a plane if you want, if it pushes you and/or motivates you.
If it's not a plane, do something!  Motivate yourself!)

Nothing great was ever achieved with enthusiasm  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~
(do it till you LOVE it!!)

Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true ~Leion J. Suenes~
(Dream dreams... have goals.... and push yourself to the edge of a ledge
- it's the only way to grow!)

YES - I am still reeling off my SKY DIVE - and I will ride this wave as long as it keeps me positive, focused, and driven!!!

Have a GREAT Monday......  set some goals for yourself today - something you've always wanted to accomplish.  And when you set it - BELIEVE you can do ANYTHING!!!!

and remember........

is weakness 
leaving the body!!!!!!
(no matter what kind of pain it is

Sunday, May 6, 2012

"Now you know why the birds sing..."

Just in case you don't follow my facebook page - I am back home, safe and sound, from my skydiving adventure yesterday!!

I'm STILL reeling from the adrenaline high and the absolute RUSH from the whole thing!  It's just something that you can't put into words.

And as a side note - if there are ANY of you out there considering a skydive - I HIGHLY recommend
Sky Dive Kentucky.  It's in Elizabethtown, KY.  If you are even remotely close to there - Go there for your jump and be sure to tell them I sent you!!!  ha ha    I have jumped with Mike Trick and Larry - my videographer was Kevin.  They and the entire staff there are FANTASTIC!!!  Even if you are nervous (or scared to death), they help put your mind at ease and talk you through every step along the way!  Seriously - they are sooooo much fun!!!  I honestly would go up there every weekend if I had an endless supply of $$$$!!!  ha ha
Of course I was informed yesterday that the CHEAPEST way to keep coming back is to get my skydiving license and start doing solo dives........ hmmmmmmmmmm....  Do I have that in me????!!

Oh.... and if you DO decide to go - LET ME KNOW - I'm SOOOOOO there with you!!!  duhhhhh....

Well anyway - on our dive yesterday, Larry says to me as we're cruising around under the chute - and while I'm just absolutely awestruck at the view and the feeling, he says "Now you know why the birds sing...."  What a fantastic thought....  He's right..... heck I wanted to sing - and I CAN'T sing!!!! (so I didn't... Your welcome Larry!  ha)
Up there, there are no words for the freedom and exhilleration and just.... I don't know... weightlessness; not a care in the world feeling that you have. 
And then once you hit the ground - it's like.... you can do ANYTHING!!!  Even though I jumped with someone strapped to my back (I'm sure solo sky divers think us tandem divers are weenies!  ha ha)  but regardless, even though I was strapped onto someone, when I hit the ground, it was like "I CAN DO ANYTHING!!!"   ANYTHING!!!

Like I'm pretty sure if I wanted to ask Adam Levine out on a date right now, if I had his phone number, I would TOTALLY just call him right up and ask!!!  (does anyone have his number by the way?!  or maybe an email address??!!  ha ha)

But seriously....... coming off that jump  - today I feel brand new.
I feel empowered - I feel invigorated - I feel like I can do anything!!!
I just floated with God.... on his wings... he was right there with me...  He's got this... heck he's got whatever I can dish out... right?!!!
He didn't make a mistake when he made me!!!  :)

So on that high..... I'm gonna break out the books and get back to studying - I just made myself get online and sign up for my next Board exam... the more you do the better, and the more you do keeps your mind in tip top shape!!!
Don't ever slow down, life will pass you by!!!

Push the envelope
Live life to the fullest
Always have goals
Always have PASSION
and MOST importantly...........
don't ever let ANYONE take ANY of that away from you just because they have none!!!!!!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Insanity much?!!

I love my life
I do
I am one lucky lucky happy girl!
I am blessed beyond what I deserve.... by far!

Today (well for a few days actually) I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and I need something exciting.
Sooooo - in a desperate need to feed my soul some super excited adrenaline rush - I will be driving to Etown shortly........

to throw myself from a perfectly good plane!  :)

I've requested joiners, but I can't seem to find any takers  (hmmmmm) ....  that's ok - today is for ME!
(although my son would totally go with me, he isn't old enough - but mark my work - a SKYDIVE will be a graduation gift!!)   It's unbelievable!!!

Well - anyway - just wanted to share my exciting news....
And put this out there.....

IF - God forbid - something were to happen today - I know that I have been blessed.
I have loved and been loved and I  have looked into the eyes of my child and been blessed.
If it is my time, it is my time so I have no fear!!!!

whooooooo hoooooooooooo
Pictures and video to come later!!


Thursday, May 3, 2012

Didn't mean to start a war....

I swear it's a constant battle over here....
I wish they would just get on the same page!
It's ridiculous and it's pulling me in two different directions almost every day!
And tearing me in two.....

One says one thing.....
one says another....
I know what my head KNOWS is the right thing to do
but I follow my heart almost always...

DANG-IT - it seems like EVERY time I follow my heart, my head says "told ya so!'

I'm not just talking relationships here people.  I'm talking about life!!!!

The one million choices that we deal with on almost a daily basis....
which do YOU follow?
Your head or your heart???

I almost religiously follow my heart
KNOWING that my heart leads me....and KNOWING that there is a chance my little heart will be hurt....
I'm smarter than that most times.... but I do it anyway!!
Do I have a better head or a better heart????
I say ... head
no no no - HEART
no - wait.... head.

My heart should be pretty smart - but it's not.   Well maybe it is.  
Yeah - that's what I'm going with 
My heart IS smart - I have a BETTER heart than head...  heck - I have a better HEART than most!!!
The problem is not MY heart....
the problem is that no one else out there thinks with their heart anymore.

No one cares about anyone but themselves anymore.

People are too focused on outdoing and outsmarting someone else to think with their hearts anymore.
Well I don't care.
You may try to break my heart... but my heart is BIGGER than that and it can take all you can dish out!

The heart is a muscle - and just like every other muscle in your body, the more you work it out - the bigger and stronger it gets......
Mine is HUGE and strong enough to take what this world can throw!



Wednesday, May 2, 2012

To err' is but human...

We make mistakes.
Don't run around using that as an excuse to KEEP making mistakes - but understand that we ALL make mistakes.
Yes, there will be consequences of some mistakes, but there will also be LESSONS from those mistakes.
The most important part of every mistake is what you take from the experience.
The next most import part of a mistake is accepting that it was mistake and learning to forgive yourself!

I myself have made a million mistakes - I'm one of those that has to learn things the hard way.  I'm hard headed like that (ARIES!)
But I can fully look back after the fact and see EXACTLY where I went wrong.  I know exactly what I misread and exactly how I misinterpreted it and exactly how my action - or reaction - was wrong.  I try to take that knowledge and I file it away... and when faced with the scenario again - I TRY to make better, more educated decisions.
That's what life is.... tripping and falling down.... getting back up.... dusting yourself off.... learning a lesson - and MOVING ON!!!
"Change is inevitable.... PROGRESS is optional"
Things are gonna happen... and they are not gonna happen exactly as you think they will... and it's OK!  Let go and move ahead.
"Be smart enough to hold on... Be brave enough to let go"
Hold on to it long enough to learn from it - file away that lesson and then LET IT GO and move on.   Don't let a misstep trip you up over and over....  and definitely don't let it DICTATE the rest of your life!

And the even harder part in dealing with our mistakes.... is FORGIVING ourselves for being so silly.  For - as we like to put it - being so STUPID.
We aren't stupid.
Stop putting yourself down for making a mistake.  Don't think that when things happen "you deserve it" or your "being punished"
You aren't.  and you don't!
Give yourself permission to make mistakes - we are human... we aren't perfect.
And fact is - alot of times things happen for the sole purpose of teaching us things.... making us stronger ... making us better people.
Let yourself off the hook.  FORGIVE YOURSELF.
"Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy"  You ARE!  KNOW THAT!!!!

Forgive yourself
You can't go around hanging your mistakes over your own head... God has forgiven you.  Your friends have forgiven you - everyone still loves you - so WHY are you torturing yourself?!
Happiness is a choice  - choose happy!!!

Forgive others....
On top of forgiving yourself.
Know that the person who hurt you or tricked you or helped you fall down has a lesson to learn too.  You don't need to teach it to them - everyone needs to learn about life through trial and error.  So forgive them...
"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.  Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
Catherine Ponder
If you are still hurt and bitter and holding things over your OWN head - it is likely that not only are you not forgiving yourself - but you are not forgiving others.  Which BARS your happiness to another individual.
Don't lock yourself up like that!

I think so many people today lock themselves into a habitual guilt ridden funk - that it becomes who they are.  You make yourself feel unworthy.... constantly holding things over your head to the point that everything that happens become penance for a "mistake" you made in your past.  Eventually this can go far enough that you truly just don't care anymore.  You go through life doing what you want with no regard to the effect it has because you feel you "deserve" it.  You live a self inflicted tortured life.
It's sad.

And the fact of the matter is - we could ALL do that!!!!!!!!  Because we ALL make mistakes!  We could link one to the next and the next and the next........until your life becomes a chain of guilt ridden self inflicted tortuous memories.
But remember - You CHOOSE what to do with your mistakes.
I'm not saying ignore them - I'm simply saying - don't let them dictate the rest of your life.

You are JUST as worthy as the next person and NO mistake you have made is any better or any worse than the mistakes that someone else has made too.  The only difference is that some of us forgive ourselves and learn and get smarter and move on - and some of us inflict pain and torture and self loathing on ourselves and become trapped in that life.

DON'T get trapped!
Don't be miserable.
Don't be weak.

"The weak can never forgive.  
Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Never enough

as women, we are our worst critics
for SOOOOOOo many reasons....
We will literally run ourselves to the GROUND to keep from letting someone say that we didn't do "enough" or we didn't "pull our weight" or we don't "look" a certain way...


Well today I got up well before I had to be at work.  I showered and when I got out, instead of looking at myself in the mirror and judging myself and then hurrying to put on a robe and cover myself - I spent some time just being thankful for WHO I am and what I am.  Instead of looking at myself and making a mental list of things I need to do to better myself... instead of being my worst critic.... today I decided to start my day differently.

I am officially closer to 40 than 30 this year (thanks to another birthday)  and honestly - I am VERY proud of who I am - INSIDE and OUTSIDE!!!!

I walked around my house... that I bought... ME - MYSELF.... and I looked around at all the things its filled with.  I did that.  I looked upon a wall where my degrees (that's plural!) hang... an education that I pushed myself to pursue and paid for myself (well... I'm still paying for it! ha)...  I walked upstairs and looked around at my teenage son's room (which is not surprisingly... a mess) and I took a minute to thank God for the strong smart independent young man that I have raised....
I walked around my house this morning... not hiding a thing... not pretending a thing.... not running.  Just looking at myself for who I truly am and everything and everyone I have surrounded myself with and I smiled.

Society and people around me may look at me and think ugly judgmental things.... ya know.... I need to lose weight, I need to work out, I need to wear different makeup, I need to wear different clothes, my house is too small, I haven't done enough, I've failed my child, WHATEVER they want to say........

But today = YOU can't phase me!!!

I love me.
I love my life.
It may not be what YOU think it should be..... but every day I stand on my own two feet and I fight through yet another day and I do and give as much as any one person can do or give!

And for that........ I'm proud of me!  :)

You'd be surprised at how much better your day and attitude can be if you just start your day being happy with who you really are and all that you are blessed with - rather than letting any fool make you feel like any less!

Have a GREAT Tuesday - look at yourself for everything that you ARE today, as opposed to everything you are not.

MUCH love!!!!
You don't have to WATCH this video - but push play and put it on repeat and minimize it.... chill out and enjoy your day!