If you can't say something nice.... then what?

What? 
Don't say anything at all??
Where's the fun in that?  Or the healing??

So I guess I'm breaking all the rules today.
Being politically "UNcorrect"....
Not biting my tongue.
Letting it all hang out. 
What's new there?!  ha
I don't intend it to be ugly - but today - I guess I'm just gonna write as if no one is reading..
quite frankly - no one probably is......
And maybe... this will be just another one of those blogs that gets lost out in the internet abyss.
Just a little open ended, having a bad day, wanna break something kinda blogging.

Today would have been my 2 year anniversary.

2 years ago I did "that thing" that everyone.... most..... some.... look forward to.  
You too guys....
Admit it.
Maybe not so much the act of getting all dressed up and walking down an aisle - but the security in knowing that someone has pledged their undying love to you.  The day that you honestly believe that there is another soul on this planet to walk with hand in hand.
The day that you put your complete trust and love and all your hopes and dreams into one other individual.  Forsaking all others.... and trusting that they feel and are doing the same.

It's the day that every LITTLE girl looks forward to  (I say "little" because as a young girl, all we know is to grow up and get married... we dress up in sheets and carry pretend flowers and believe that one day all our dreams will come true.  Then we grow up and realize, that is not ALL that life has to hold for us!!!)

You see....... 2 years ago, I fell into the belief that I had truly found a man who loved me.  Truly, honestly loved me.  And I had been fooled before.  Believe that.
I had waited and waited and held out on trusting a man fully with my heart.
2 years ago - I gave mine away.
Only to quickly find out - I was a band-aid... a piece of tape.... over a piece of gauze.... hiding all that was the "truth".

2 years later - I feel like such a fool.

Because now I look back and see all those red flags..... The ones that I ignored for "love"

And sadly enough... I see the path that has been taken since we divorced and I see he is doing the same exact thing to another woman.  Ironically - the one that he was wooing behind my back.
Another one that thinks... "Ohhhh - he loves me.  He's gonna be different this time.  I'm special.  this is real"  Because he makes you believe that is true.
On the outside looking in - it's easy to see all those signs... all those red flags.... all the warning signs.
And part of me wants to SCREAM at her and show her all that is being gauzed and taped and hidden with band-aids.  Part of me wants to warn her.....
Not to hurt him.
Not to judge him
But more to protect her.  And I don't even know her
But then I realize too  - that while he was wooing her while HE was married.... she was ALSO wooing him KNOWING he was married...... AS WAS SHE!!!!!!!
And I owe her nor him NOTHING.

2 years later...  I know that I am better off.
I know that he is the exact man that fooled me and BETRAYED me....
And I see that he is still that same man... walking the same path...
I KNOW that in 2 years I have healed and grown and have become a better woman for what I have been through....
I KNOW that!

And I know that I am now TRULY loved, respected and cherished by a man who knows me and believes in me and loves me like that other man NEVER did.

I am TRULY loved......
and I'm lucky.  And thankful for that.
I'm thankful to know what real, honest, love you above all others LOVE really feels like.

But I am really struggling today with letting go of the anger towards a man who robbed me of that infamous little girl day "dressed in sheets and carrying my fake flowers down the aisle"

And honestly today..... I should be celebrating and thankful that I got out when I did

I never thought I would have to say that.
I guess no one does.

an HONEST kick in the butt!

Ok - has everyone seen the movie "He's just not that into you"??
It's a GREAT movie and it cracks me up because it puts a humorous spin on the fact that we as girls tend to sugar coat everything to each other and make excuses for why guys do the stupid things they do!
NO MORE in my circle of girls!
and honestly - I have always been a "tell it like it is" kind of girl.  (which is sometimes nice, but I have been known to be a bit harsh...not to my friends that know me and understand me, but if you don't - I can come across as a bit crass!)  Nooooo...... ..ME???  LOL  And my honesty sometimes drives my child insane - ha ha.  Don't ask if you don't wanna know!  But the good thing is - when one of my friends wants an honest to God opinion - they know they will get that from me!  =)
I love all my friends and to me - honesty is something you can't get just anywhere.  Honesty is a gift!  People underestimate the value of honesty so many times!  ESPECIALLY girls... we get our feelings hurt so easily!
Not me, I value that quality in my friends and last night I rediscovered just how valuable it is to have people in your life that you can trust for just that raw honesty!

Now - I loooooooove my girlfriends and we can sit and talk for HOURS about anything and everything... but sometimes - it's nice to turn to your guy friends for a male perspective  =)
Last night - I was doubly blessed  =)
I talked to a good guy friend who moved away some time ago.  Asked him a few questions to which he responded with true and genuine honesty.......whether it hurts or not - just tell it like it is!  THANK YOU for that!!
And THEN, I had a nice long chat with another guy friend whom I have not seen or talked to in years!  We talked about alot........what's happend in his life, what's going on in mine.  And thank you Lord for honesty!!!  Sure I had a little melt down (LOL) and he's probably now thinking "Thank God I haven't talked to her in years!"  ha ha   But seriously - I am so guilty of focusing on what I want from life and getting down on myself for not being where I want to be - that I forget.......we are HUMAN and EVERYONE has their own pile of crap they have to deal with!  I am soooo guilty of getting caught up in the "poor me" syndrome - and truth of the matter is:  we do that to ourselves.......FOR NO REASON!!!!!!!  So I just wanted to thank my friend last night for the reality check and putting my life and GOALS back into perspective  =)

Now - here's some irony to add to the story.......not to get too much on my religious soap box - BUT the sermon at church this week was about letting God control our lives.  So many times we get in our head what we want and when we want it and where we want to be.......and we convince ourselves that this must be "God's will."  Don't take the time to slow down and let go of the reigns and let HIM show us the ultimate goal.  We make our own and pretend it's God's.  Right?!!
I'll be the first to admit I have control issues....I have certain things I want to do and when it doesn't get done, I get mad at me!  When truth of the matter is.......it will happen in God's time.  And I have to learn to live that way!  and I do mean in EVERY aspect of my life!
Sure I will still pray for certain things......but the difference is - I will pray for God's will in each specific area.  And trust me too when I say there are lots of areas I need to let go of!  ;-)   What?!?!  I'm a busy lady and I have LOTS of irons in the fire!  ha ha
Now as IF this wasn't enough  - my friend just sent me an email that she received and "thought of me."  It is a bible verse........“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it.”    (Ps. 37: 4-5).    HELLO - this was one of the verses from the sermon on Sunday
You think someone is trying to tell me something?!?!!!

I didn't get on to blog today to preach a sermon - but I did want to share with you the lessons I have been reminded of in the past few days....
You should value your friendships that give you complete and brutal honesty!  Thank God for those friends, they are in your life for a reason.  Sometimes there is nothing you need more than for a good friend to smack you in the face with reality - because all too often we get focused on something in particular and can't see the harsh reality right in front of us.
And in the same manner.... when we get blinded by life - and rely on the honesty of our friends, we should also take the time to let go and remember - God has a plan that is bigger than all of us! 
Here's my song of the day....What will be...will be
ENJOY!  =)