REAL is the new BLACK!

The interwebz might just BE the devil!

It's kinda like Hollywood; it's not always real life!!
It's really easy to photoshop that 6-pack and paint on that sunshiny smiley face and fake out some motivational "quotes"!

Maybe I AM too hard on myself...
*OK OK _ I AM too hard on myself*   
BUT I guess that is what has always kept me striving to be better!  STRONGER!  

And at the same time - it can also put me on my knees in a heartbeat!!

I don't NEED anyone else to judge me or criticize me, I do it enough myself!
*which is also probably why I get SOOOO defensive when someone DOES criticize me!*
hmmmmmm - WOW - I just had a revelation there!!!

Anyway......

As many of you know (if you follow me or know me AT ALL)
I am divorced.
The big "D" word!!! 
NOT knocking ANYONE out there who IS divorced... because shit happens.  We all know that.  Sometimes divorce is out of your hands.  It was OUT of mine.  I didn't make the decisions that took me down that road.  Nevertheless, that "D word"... that "check the box"... that "defining" of me STILL bothers me today.   NOT because I was wrong,
And definitely NOT because I'm not happier now that I've ever been!
~I have a guy that is like none other!  He loves me, respects me, is there for me...... he's my best friend!  He makes ME a better person.~
But MORE because I think it makes me feel like I failed at something.  I don't like that.  Period.  It makes me feel damaged.  Broken.  Not worthy.
And I hate that feeling.
I hate that I LET someone make me feel that way.
I know it's up to ME to change that feeling..... but sometimes it gets the best of me.  EVEN when I know I'm better off and that was a road I should have never gone down.  EVEN then... I tend to self inflict that pain and the act of "failing"

(yes yes - I'm twisted  - I KNOW!!!)

Anyway - I have digressed.... here is what I'm getting at.

I get on Instagram and the Interwebz and I see all these girls...... some SMALLER than me... lifting these ridiculously INSANE pounds of weights!! **And it inspires me** 
I go to the gym and I KNOW that it's possible because I've seen it done!  Then I get under a light weight and learn that my form is crap.  I'm not low enough... I'm not sitting back enough... I'm not square enough... my elbows are not where they should be....  I'm not progressing. 
My numbers don't go up.
Am I not working as hard as those girls?
Do I not have what it takes?
Am I NEVER going to get a correct form down?
Will I EVER be someone that people look at and are inspired?

FRUSTRATING!!!

I'm NOT just going through the motions.  I do work hard. 

I work out 4 days a week.... for 3+ hours at a time!!! 
Maybe I should go to seven?

I lift hard when I'm there. 
Maybe it's not hard enough?

So I go... I do what I planned to do as far as my work out goes..... sometimes I even do extra.
But then some nights... it's as though I can't do ANYTHING right. 
I'm NEVER going to feel comfortable. 
I'm never going to feel confident.
Weights are a funny thing like that....
I go in one night not even wanting to be there.... I wanted to stay home.  And I PR on deadlift.
Then I go in another night feeling confident in my squat... only to have the Nazi police yell "LOWER"... and all is crushed.  The confidence I felt is gone.
I immediately feel like I can't get it right.....

{INSERT LIFE}

and the carry over.....
some days....
I feel like I've screwed up there too!

Please don't read this and think I'm just having a PITY PARTY for myself today.
That is not it at all.

I just think we are ALL guilty of getting on the dang INTERWEBZ and seeing people who INSPIRE us......but unfortunately - like the airbrushed people in the magazines - the SUNSHINE and RAINBOWS isn't always REAL!!!!  We have to remember that!
ESPECIALLY us as women!!!
Not just in lifting weights - but in LIFE!

Yes - that girl is "happily" married to HUNKY McDREAMY..... but no-one knows that he beats the crap out of her at night?!!  She puts on a pretty face and we think her world is perfect!  And we wonder why WE can't have HUNKY McDREAMY?

Yes - that tiny little girl lifts more than you and has ABS of STEEL.... but her mom died last year and she still struggles NOT to go home and drink a bottle of vodka every night before bed!  And we wonder how or WHY she spends SO much time in the gym?

We all have battles and daily struggles.  Right?!!

So - sure it's nice to get online and SHINE your beautiful light to inspire girls all around you.
But - let's be real too.
I WANT to inspire people
but I want to be REAL too.
When I'm feeling DOWN and FRUSTRATED - I say I'm down and FRUSTRATED.   I'm not gonna FAKE sunshine to cover up my tears!
I LOVE to lift...
I WANT to be a GREAT powerlifter!! 
I want people to be INSPIRED
But I don't want people to think I just woke up one day and deadlifted 300 pounds!  and it was EASY!
It's NOT!
There are DEFINITELY nights that I feel like I'm wasting my time and I spend more of the night in TEARS than in confident SMILES!!

I want to be OK with being divorced and the decisions I've made!
I want to be OK with slow progress in the gym.
But some days - they get the best of me and I want to punch a car!!
Some days facing those decisions and seeing those failures HURTS..... and I won't pretend that it doesn't..

I want you to believe ANYTHING is possible
But I don't want you to think it's ALWAYS going to be easy.
I will strive to INSPIRE - but I will also always strive to be REAL

Some may see that as WEAK and vulnerable.
I just think it's REAL
and isn't it about time that we ALL got REAL with each other!

Somedays...there's just a little more pep in my step :)

Sometimes......hell freezes over I walk out the front door of my precious little house and I'm overcome with joy.  Sometimes, I take a teeny tiny second to pat myself on the back and look to the sky and thank God for holding my hand all this way......

Many many many many years ago, this 17 year old idiot girl walked out the front door of my home.  I walked out of my parents house (still in high school!) with one big black garbage bag filled with clothes (only the ones that I had paid for myself) and got into the car with a friend (because I didn't have one of my own) and drove away.  That's it.  That's all I had to my name.  Me & my black bag.... This crazy teen girl, cursing every day of life, hell bent and determined to show the world that I COULD make it on my own!!!!!!!
Some friends and I somehow managed to rent an apartment, I got a job, BARELY finished high school (yeah - summer school was included in that), and proceeded to learn the hard way....that independance has a PRICE!  (namely rent, utilities, etc!  HA)

ohhhhhh - there were some ROUGH days....

there were some VERY bad decisions......

there were lots of crazy wild stupid i should have been in jail moments....

BUT TODAY
so many years later......
I sometimes just get overwhelmed with ALL I have done..
with how far I have come...
with some of the GOOD decisions I have made....

It really does amaze me that this young, dumb, DETERMINED to flex my independance, totally naive little girl has accomplished all I have accomplished!
Lord I sure hurt my momma and daddy when I walked out that door, but I guess sure hope there must be a little sense of pride when they look into the eyes of my teenage boy, or walk into my very own home, or when they watched me walk the graduation line from college....

For all that I have done wrong.......I MUST have done a few things right  :)

For all that I THOUGHT my parents did wrong...... they must have done ALOT right  :)

And some days....it just feels good to be me  :)

babies, love, life & marriage - and one more chance for me to offend someone!!

I recently had a conversation with a very good friend of mine!  It's kinda personal therefore names will be omitted - and I DID ask beg for permission to share this with you all.
It was over email - so I'm going to share it JUST as it was sent.  It is a bit lengthy but I do hope you will stick it out to the end.......what a GREAT message is included in this dialogue!

HAPPY Friday!  :-)

First a little background.....
my friend and her hubby have wanted a baby essentially since they were married.  I have listened and watched my friend speak many many times with that twinkle in her eye of how she longs to see a little baby "hubby" toddling around her house... how she longs to see the eyes of their little one looking back at her full of love... a little of her but mostly - a little mini version of the man she gave her heart to years ago....
At the same time,  I have watched this friend get pregnant and miscarry time and time again... to the point where she eventually just stopped telling anyone when they did conceive for fear of losing the little one again.  Each time, she did.  And each time, it tore just a little bit more of her away....
Finally - not too long ago - after her seventh miscarriage - because of so many ectopic pregnancies, her fallopian tubes ruptured and she ended up in the hospital losing both of her tubes.
At this point she and hubby had essentially 2 options:  give up OR IVF (invitro-fertilization)
They opted to give IVF a shot....

I asked recently for an update on how the process is going.
This conversation turned into a message that I just wanted to share.
(Preacher T..... I borrowed your pulpit today, I hope you don't mind  ;-)   muahhhhhhhh - luv u!!!)

Friend:
We went Wednesday to do a consultation with the genetic testing director. They just went over the process with us again and wanted a little more about our history. Found out that there was one more aspect to the process that we needed to do…instead of letting the egg and “boys” have cocktails and mingle, they will actually select the best swimmers and specifically introduce the 2. This is what they end up doing for about 60% of the IVF population and it translates into an additional $1500. Apparently, pimping is expensive.



Also learned something new. When they do the genetic testing on the embryos to weed out any with abnormalities, hopefully we’ll end up with a few to implant. But they will already know the gender of the embryos before they implant them. We had to choice to know what the gender is if we wanted. I thought that was AMAZING. Apparently the gender is one of the first things determined when the cells start to divide. We chose to NOT know…it would make it way to hard if it didn’t work out…makes it more real to know that you lost a boy or girl or both.




Just as an FYI, get a load of the costs…
Prerequisite tests to date: $1500
Freezing back-up “boys”: $700
IVF cycle: $10300
Genetic testing: $4500
Medication: $3000


That’s all the costs up to getting a positive pregnancy test. My efforts to remain positive are heavily weighed down by that menu I just typed. My attitude changes by the hour!!!

Me:
Well – even with the additional costs, since your already out so much out of pocket, I think the extra to ENSURE that they “meet” is well worth it. It would be harder to pay all that and then find out the two didn’t get along on their own. Ya know? I think pimping them is good ;-) better odds anyway ;-)


I can understand the menu costs weighing on you……..but just think when that baby boy/girl is here – it will be worth EVERY single penny

Bumps and hard days along the way only make the good days and the MIRACLE all the more appreciated and enjoyed  And WOW – that’s INSANE that they can tell the gender ALREADY in the embryo.
I’m telling you – the human body and the whole conceiving process is TRULY TRULY a miracle from God.
How could ANYONE go through all that you have been through and see what you have seen and ANYONE not believe there is a God.

Friend:
What is so hard about all this is that all this money is being spent just to get us to a point of a positive pregnancy test. Well, I’ve seen the 2 pink lines or plus sign MANY times. A positive test means absolutely nothing to me…no excitement, no thrill, no sighs of relief…just the beginning of even more stress. I am very positive about this process working for us getting pregnant, been there done that (and didn’t have to pay so much). But anything beyond that…..I don’t know how to be positive about that.



Tammy, you are so right. I can’t imagine how anyone could not believe there is a God, the process truly is a miracle. I also know that what I’ve gone through has been for a reason. It’s been to prepare me for something bigger I’m sure. But, DAMN, couldn’t He have gotten His point across to me in 1 or 2 or even 3 miscarriages? Did it really have to be 7? And if all the pain has been to help me REALLY appreciate being successful that much more…did He really think that I was going to take for granted being successful on the 1st, 2nd or even 3rd try. Again, why soooo many times? That’s where a person could start to question their faith….but don’t worry, I’m not.  Just conveying how I can understand a person in my situation REALLY struggling with faith.


Sorry, but I’m apparently in my negative mood today…like I said, every hour is different. But if I truly DIDN’T think this process might work, I sure as hell wouldn’t be shelling out $20,000 to do it. So obviously there’s a glimmer of hope somewhere inside this cynical body!....just no fallopian tubes.

Me:
And you may NOT know why it took so many times till you get to heaven and you can ask.

Just know and remember (pointing at ME right now!!) there is ALWAYS a plan bigger than us
I forget that A LOT!!!!!!!!!!
I just told KK – there have been some things I have been struggling with lately……with me, with Adam, just worrying….. and I’m done. I know God has a plan for us. I know we are together for a reason. Granted – I question my PLACE sometimes, but I know it will all make sense one day. So – I gave it to God. No more worry, no more questioning……..just living minute by minute, day by day… it’s all we can do.

Maybe there was a specific egg in you that God had to get to. Maybe this baby is gonna cure cancer. I know that is exaggerating – but just saying… the miscarriages weren’t because God didn’t want you to be pregnant or carry a child, but it just wasn’t the right egg yet. I’m not second guessing or trying to figure out why……just saying……when it is time and all is right – God will carry that baby all the way through
And whatever road it took you to get there……. God put you on it and he won’t leave your side.

You know – with writing my blog – I realize – you just never know when what you say or how you feel or how you react is going to touch someone around you. someone that you may not even know. The whole reason for this journey might simply be for you to cross paths with someone that might change YOUR life – OR might be CHANGED because of knowing/meeting you.
You just never know……….

Friend:
But what if God is trying to tell me that having children is not his plan for me….and I’m just not hearing. 7 miscarriages and an emergency surgery may have been his way of screaming, “for the love of Me, just stop!”. Just sayin….could go either way.

Me:
OK – if you weren’t MEANT to be on this road, he would not have provided the “means” to be on this road.

Correct?
I mean – I could NOT do what you and hubby are doing…. I couldn’t afford it NOR could my parents.
So – I DO believe you are where you are for a reason.

Here’s the hard part.
WHAT IF you aren’t meant to have a child?
What if you are simply going down this road to strengthen your love, your marriage and POSSIBLY be a witness for Him to someone you might not even know?!
Would you/could you be ok with that?
Knowing the end result may not be exactly WHAT you want – but it’s what God wants?

When I went to talk to my preacher a long time ago about dating…….he said to me………”WHAT IF God doesn’t want you to be married? What IF God wants you to be single? WHAT IF God has a plan for you and you must be single in order to fulfill that plan? Are you ok with that?”
I of course replied “NO I’m not……..”
And I PROMISE you – until the day came that I WAS ok with that – I was miserable.

One day, I just gave it to God.
One day (and there is a blog to document this) I gave up.
I embraced the gifts I had been given by God and vowed to use those in His name and not search for my OWN plan anymore.
I fully accepted that God DOES have a plan for me and I don’t know what it is and for as long as I tried to make it MY plan – it wouldn’t work!
So – I let go.
Instead of praying for what I wanted – I prayed to be faithful and accepting of what HE wanted!

And the even MORE ironic part was this:
The same day my preacher asked me if I was ok being alone………he also said he believed when I found the right man, he would be a man of God. He did. I promise you – he just said – I believe you are a strong Christian woman and I believe that you will find and deserve a strong Christian man. I of course laughed on the inside…. Yeah right – ME married to a deacon? Much less a preacher?! (I laughed inside because I didn’t think I deserved that!)

And then.........God brought me Adam (Preacher T - ha ha)
I have known Adam for a looooooooong time, and never would I have guessed.

But you see, God had a plan all along
And until I was willing and READY to accept HIS plan and not my own…….it didn’t happen.

Friend:
You’re ready for your own pulpit now….my work here is done.



Well said, every bit of it. And all very true.


Here’s what I really think(hope) God’s plan is/was…


I didn’t want kids until I met hubby. So we set out on this journey to have kids. Try after try bringing us closer and strengthening our relationship (like you said) and intensely strengthening my own Faith. We started on the Fertility Clinic route a couple of years ago but didn’t follow through with IVF because it didn’t seem right at the time. So I “gave it up to God” at the beginning of 2009 and we stopped “trying”. I figured that if I was meant to be pregnant I eventually would continue to be. I think God finally said, wait I can give you an answer about whether you’re meant to have kids or not and that brings me to my surgery. After the surgery we had no choice but to pursue IVF…there was no other way to conceive. So choosing to go through IVF is to get that answer. He gave us the technology now we’re supposed to use it. But I still think it is completely possible that His answer might be no kids…..and I’m completely ok with that…have been for a long time. It’s been the not knowing one way or another that has been my demon. I fully believe my answer lies at the end of this cycle and I’m anxious to get that answer, whatever it may be.


You’re right in so many ways, this is the road He wanted me to travel and I’m all the stronger for it.

Me:
I think you are VERY right. I have seen you and hubby grow LEAPS AND BOUNDS in the years you have been married. It really makes me melt when I think about it…….

NOT that you weren’t in love before – I don’t mean that at all. I just mean – how this has brought you all so much closer and so much (if its possible) more in love today!
It’s so common for people to marry these days and just grow apart in the comfortableness.
I love that I have gotten to see you all grow together…….as a couple.
It renews my faith and spirit and belief in love AND in God’s plan for us all

Out of the GRAY and into the BLUE - yes some days - I NEED the fantasy world!

After a few days of grumpy crabby cry-baby Tami - I get sick of me and refuse to stay there.. in that crappy gray world!
SOooooo - because I'm me and this is what I do - I devise a way out.
I have an un-earthly gift to alter my world with my mind... It's a protection mechanism of sorts I guess.
I can change direction, shut off emotions, or shut someone out in a snap.  It's what I do.
So - guess what - I'm over crappy gray Tami and I have flipped the switch.... off on my new direction in my new little world!
Wanna roll with me?!?!!!  hee hee
Soooooo - I'm finishing up classes in December (AGAIN)  These are the additional pre-req classes that I have to have (after finishing WKU last year) in order to be accepted into the Sonography program.  Hopefully (fingers crossed MAJOR) I will be accepted into the program and get to start next August.  Meanwhile, I will have the spring and summer semesters off from school.   It's been a LONG time since I have not taken at least one class per semester (ok - I got lost for a minute)  The point is...  I'll (hopefully) start in August 2010 and finish in the summer of 2011.   At that point, my child will have 2 more years of high school before heading off to college.  Sooooo.... that gives me two more years to work here in the hometown and get a little experience under my belt.
Now - here is where it gets crazy (and fun!)
Here's my plan:
after getting Z off to college, moved in, started, rolling in the right direction, I'm thinking this is what I'll do.
* put the house on the market
* get online and find a new job....
Wanna know what I want to do???  Still sonography - BUT I wanna travel.  I have family that travel as RN's and they spent 6 months in Hawaii last year.  Paid to work, paid to travel and paid to live in Hawaii!!!  =)
yes......THIS is what I'm working for  :)
(does anyone know someone that does this for a living?  Sonography?  what about a traveling sonographer?)
Yes ... some may say I'm crazy - I don't care.... THIS is my goal.

And get this.... My girls and I really started hanging out a little over 3 years ago.  And if you had told us 3 years ago that we would ALL still be single 3 years later - we might not have believed you.  SO - Here's what I'm thinking (shut up -it's my story ... no judging)
One friend already works in radiology, one friend is an attorney and the other works in healthcare education. (and actually told me last night that she has thought about going back to school to be an RN)
What if.......stay with me......WHAT IF - 3 years from now, we are all still single...tell me HOW cool it would be to travel and work together.  Traveling sonographer, MRI radiographer, RN & our own attorney  =)
hee hee
 I'm just saying...it's been a crappy couple of days and when I get down.... I dream....NOT plan.....just dream.  You just never know what God has in store for you  =)
Happy dreams (and working towards my goal) from here on out!
No one stands in my way of getting what I want  =)
It would be cool (ahhhh ... the fun we could have) if I got a bonus and got to travel and work with the bestest girlfriends I could have ever dreamed of.

*PLUS - someone is gonna have to pay for college......sheeeeesh!!!
check out the song!  It's G.R.E.A.T!!!!!!!!!  (there is some dead time at the end of the song....)

We are all the same - how often we forget!

Today I had someone approach me with a personal problem. This someone is not someone I would normally place on the same level playing field as myself. Prominent, well-to-do, etc... Someone you look at and think - "GOSH, if only I had that money or those opportunities, my life would be so perfect!"

Anyway...... I won't go into details of what the family problem is - but the weird thing is, I rarely talk to this person and today - this person came right to my door and just began to spill his guts. On a very personal level!!

The irony of the situation is this - what he began to tell me about - I have personally been through! And I was able to help... He didn't know that walking through my door. He just knows what I do in my job and thought maybe that I would be able to point him in a direction. BUT little did he know - what he's going through - I have been through on a personal level and was able to share more than he ever expected.

Now I know there are many many many reasons why things happen in our lives. And at the time we never understand those reasons. But I can tell you - today - today reminded me of the many many things I have been through in life.....and never understood at the time.

But those things, those days that made me CRAZY and left me wondering where I was in life.. those experiences make me who I am today and make me ABLE to do the things I love! I'm a giver, a helper, a friend, a listener, a supporter......that's what I was put on earth to do. it's what I'm good at! It's who I am and what I love to do....Therefore more times than not - when my friends or acquaintances are going though life's challenges, I'm able to be there for them.......to listen, to help, to cry, whatever they might need!

THESE are the days that make me proud to be ME and happy to have experienced life in the crazy way that I have lived it!

So - on the days when you feel bad about a decision you have made or you feel like the world is out to get you OR you look at someone and ENVY their life or all they have... remember - we all have a purpose and a road to follow.

People come in and out of lives for reasons.... we have good days and bad days for reasons! SMILE and know that one day it will all make sense.

Someone will always be prettier; Someone will always be smarter; Someone's house will always be bigger; Someone will drive a better car.

So let it go and love you and your circumstances.

The prettiest woman in the world could have hell in her heart.

The most highly favored woman at work may be unable to have children.

The richest person you know might be the loneliest!

LOVE you! Love who you are!

and remember.....

To the world you might just be one person - but to one person you just might be the world!