Monday, October 31, 2011

Setting Fire

If you're going to be offended by my true honest open RAW feelings - then I suggest you close this blog right now and walk away.  Because today is NOT a good day.  It's not hopeful and warm and fuzzy and reminiscent.  It is instead...... HONEST and REAL.
Tonight I am cleansing and closing the door.   This is where it gets real.

As a little girl, just like every little girl, I grew up dreaming of the day my daddy walked me down an aisle and gave my hand to the man I chose to walk through the rest of my life with... to the man my dad would trust with my heart because he knew I had already given it to him.  The man that my daddy would know had proved to me would stand by my side through thick and thin, good times and bad, and all the no matter what's - because my daddy raised me to believe in marriage.  I was raised with such a foundation that I waited....I WAITED till I found just the right man to give my hand to and make that promise to.  The man that looked at me in my eyes and said I can't imagine life without you.  The man that said I'm better WITH you than without you.  The man that I knew no matter what would be my biggest fan.  I waited for that.
And that day came.  And my daddy walked me down the aisle and put my hand in the hand of a man who took all of that away from me.

Now - don't get me wrong, I have definitely made my share of mistakes.  I HAVE made mistakes.  Big ones.
But marriage.... that to me was never anything with room for error.  Ever.  Not that its not possible to make a mistake, because I get that it is.   But in my eyes, once you make that promise, once you take that vow, once you stand in front of God and family and friends and commit your life to another human being, {{Matthew 19:6 - Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.}} that to me is one of the most important decisions you make in life.  Period.
And I always always always took that decision to heart.  Always.

So as much thought and care and consideration and anticipation as I put into that day - not in the dress, or the place, or the date, or the flowers.... but the years of thought and waiting and patience and looking and praying for the right man... and the right time.   No I didn't expect everything to be perfect, but I did expect to be able to trust that when a man, a Christian, God fearing man looked at me and said "I take you Tammy to be my lawfully wedded wife... to have and to hold till death do us part" that he was for real.  Because where I'm from, when you make a promise and you tell someone that you love them and you still love them, it's something worth fighting for.
Apparently when there is something that you love and cling to more than the woman you married, whatever that might be, the new wife can only hold things together alone for so long and take so much before she is completely and utterly broken.

The day I dreamed of has come and gone and the memories from it have been tainted and destroyed.  And for that - I can only thank the man who told me that me and our marriage are not worth fighting for anymore. I am angry
and I give.
(tomorrow is a new day - and I'll be fine) 

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Back in time...

My favorite thing about having a blog is going back and reading old posts!!!
MAN I'm a fricking genius!  ha ha
Seriously though...
sometimes they make me laugh..
sometimes they make me cry...
sometimes they inspire me all over again!!

But I think the thing I enjoy the most is going back in time and actually FEELING what I felt when I wrote.

I may be sad today - but I can go back and read my love story all over again.  As often as I want.  Any time I want.  And even though that story may have ended, it doesn't make the story any less magic  :(
And I love that there are songs attached to most.  Music moves me.  And I can play those songs and it takes me back to the days on the couch when we did nothing but talk and listen and fall in love.  And some days I can take that and it PUSHES me through just one more day, but some days I can take that and it literally HURTS to the very core of my soul.

In another moment, I can flip through and read a post that reminds me of WHO I am and WHAT I stand for... and what I deserve in life.  Sometimes that makes me wonder how things went so wrong.  And sometimes it makes me wonder how they were ever right!!

But whatever path or emotion I choose, I can flip to another just to be reminded that God had a plan for me 3 years ago when I started this blog.  He had a plan for me when I met every single person I have met in the past 3 years of blogging.  He STILL today has a plan for me.  And I thank God he gave me the ability to put that on paper and share it with others... because .... well - some days I just need to read it.   And ironically enough... when I wrote it, when he gave me the words and the ability - someone out there needed to read it too!

Today - I found an old blog I had posted in response to another blog regarding my religious beliefs. Hello... God... are you there? It's a GREAT one!  :)   And I found this person's email and I emailed her back to follow up with her on things.  And OH how I hope I hear back.  But in that moment of reading that blog, I wondered.... how many people read that and dear God if there is one person that it touched, my purpose is complete!  And that my friends makes EVERYTHING all worth it.

So when I take some time, and travel back in time.... yeah, I may cry and I may hurt, but at the same time, it gives me hope and restores my faith in my God.  God can do anything.  And there is a plan bigger than us all.  No question about that!

Leaving you with this...
One of my favorites.... sorry to say it's one that is attached to a little sad memory... great song nonetheless.  And sad or not - in some weird way - it makes me smile.
"Faith hope and love abide, but the greatest of these is love"

Friday, October 28, 2011

The Ride

There were times when the ride was smooth.
There were times when I closed my eyes and climbed a few small hills.
And sometimes I held my breath and threw my hands up and climbed monstrous mountains
There were times when it was fun and there was nowhere else I'd rather be.
But there were times I was plummeting to the ground and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
There were times when I was twisted and confused and didn't know up from down anymore.
There were definitely times when I just wanted to get off that roller coaster.
But I chose it. I PICKED IT!   I waited like a kid in a candy shop to get on that ride.  I waited and hand picked which ride to take.  And in the end.... it threw me off.

But that's life.

Times of laughter.
Times of tears.
Times with goals and times with fears.
A roller coaster.
A roller coaster of feelings
A roller coaster of emotions
A roller coaster of plans
A roller coaster of expectations
It's life.  A roller coaster.  It's how we all live.

But now that portion of the ride has ended.  And I got off just to get on another ride.  I know life is almost always a roller coaster - but it's different now.  It's just me again.   It's on me.  Whether I'm upside down or floating smoothly along.  I don't even know where it's going anymore.  Every morning when I wake up now, I have to make a choice.  I know that this is MY journey now... no longer "ours".  No one is sitting beside me holding my hand.   But no one is pushing me down either.  So I will wake up every day and hop in my seat and whatever life hands me that day, I will try my best to enjoy this ride and not wish to be back on that STUPID coaster that just broke me.
An emotional roller coaster - that is what I'm on.
So please pardon me as I cry my eyes out one day, and the next rip someone to shreds!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

One year later... where are we now?!

I started this post back in August - on my real one year anniversary.  But life has been happening and I never got back around to finishing it.....  so I thought I would start here.  I've been gone so long.  I've gotten on so many times and typed and typed away.  Then just couldn't get myself to post.  Someone recently pointed out to me, that when blogging is your creative outlet, you must blog through the BAD too - not just the GOOD times....

So forgive me dear friends for #1 - being gone so long.  But also #2 for taking you down the dark sad lonely road that I am traveling

A year ago (actually barely over a year) I walked down an aisle...
to marry my best friend ...
and start a life together with a man that I had waited my whole life for.
And you have to understand  - THIS was HUGE for me....  I had dated plenty before.  I had been engaged before.  But nothing ever seemed right before.   Until this man.   This man was a preacher.  He had a church.  He was a great father.  He had a HUGE heart and big dreams and he was traveling down a road that ran parallel to mine.  I fully believed God made him for me.  I believed God brought us together.  We were good for each other.  Seriously, the yin to his yang!!!!  and vice versa!!    I posted THIS (about how I tripped and met this boy) ..  and I posted THIS (about how fast it snuck up on me)  and finally THIS (that first kiss)....

Then I posted THIS..... a little piece of me and my writing.  And a glimpse into me and my soulmate.  And the journey I felt life had brought us through and held in store for us....... THIS is one of my all time favorite writings.  I even printed it out in color and pasted it word by word on a black background and framed it for Adam for valentines day... our story.   It ended up in the trunk of his car and mildewed.....

So anyway - I watched hopes and dreams come to reality.
I knew what life had in store for us.
WE had hopes and dreams and plans and I could NOT have been any happier!

I had found my soul mate and knew that life would only get BETTER from here!


Life is hard..... but marriage is even harder.
Even harder as it turns out, when you marry a man who still holds onto previous mistakes or failures and lives every day constantly trying to prove something to someone or win some sort of imaginary game that he's the only one keeping score of.... and when it turns out when you marry a man of God who turns his back on God and the promises he made to you in front of a God he used to love so much... and when it turns out that when you marry a man who never looks at you as a first priority in his life.... and when it turns out your willing to deal with issues and go to counseling and do everything you can to get past the "differences"  and he tells you that's a bunch of crap.....well it turns out that no matter how strong of a woman you are and no matter how much faith you have, you just can't hold a marriage together on your own.
So he left
Because he wasn't willing to fight
I guess he's fighting too many other battles right now to fight for that vow he took barely over a year ago.  I finally realized I was the only one fighting that battle.
And it hurts
And all I can do is pray for him

And just like that... my story ended.