What they don't tell you...

I watched a video that a blogger friend of mine posted on facebook recently.  And it really struck a nerve with me.
It does have some harsh language in it... the "F" bomb is dropped multiple times.  Try not to get caught up in that and instead try to take in the message.
Don't read more into it than is necessary.... just listen... with your heart.  And a tear... and a little bit of compassion for the young girls and boys growing up in this world.


This world is a crazy cruel place.

Especially for teenage girls and boys....  but even as we grow into adults... the pressure is sometimes just as overwhelming.

I remember as a young girl wanting so bad to "fit in".  I wanted to wear the right clothes, carry the right purse, wear just the right amount of make-up... ya know - just enough makeup to be cool but not too much as to be considered "easy". Because that's how you were judged.... on your LOOKS.  On what you brought to the table.  I cared.  I tried. I had some really great friends.

And then one day ... I didn't care anymore.

Sure I still wanted to dress in name brand (cause I'm high maintenance.... and some things never change! ha ha) But I didn't care if people liked me.  I didn't care if I found a note where someone that I thought was a friend called me a "snob".  I didn't care if someone that I thought the world of said I wasn't their BFF anymore.  I didn't care if no one liked me... because I had come to the realization that the only person I could rely on and trust was ME.
It wasn't because I didn't want to have friends........ it wasn't because I didn't want to trust anyone.  In my head, I think I just decided that no one was ever real.  Everyone had only been playing a part... the quarterback, the prom queen, the class "slut" (sadly this was also a part that was played), the cheerleader, the nerd... The stereotypes... all of the classifications.   And now there are even more!

Why couldn't we all just be friends fighting for the same purpose... all trying to better ourselves to make a future that we could look forward to.

I don't know.  I still don't know.  I never understood. I still don't understand!
 Jr High and High School just get to be so mean.  So heartless.
To the point that some fought back by rebelling, some fought by actually fighting and acting out, some fought by taking reputations to extremes... and sadly... some just gave up. 
For some, answers to the pressure came in the form of anorexia, bulimia, promiscuity, fighting, bullying.... Some hid behind dark walls and developed anxiety that may have never subsided.
The pain is endless
And sadly.... totally preventable
If only our world wasn't so cruel.

We want children to know the reality of life and the hardships of everything not being spoon fed to them, but then they are bombarded by the unfair judgement of peers.

And instead of PREPARING them for adulthood and showing them how to be a TEENAGER and come out as a strong independent young man or woman ... we are too busy condoning children having children and glorifying it on reality tv! Instead of protecting our children from UNNECESSARY harm... we are laying more harm on them!!! I see way too many 15 year old girls come in pregnant!!!  Babies having babies......
When did we STOP telling our babies that having SEX at 15 is ok??  When did it become ok for a high school student to bring her best friends in for her ultrasound because its fun and cool and they get out of school?!  WHY are kids thinking that SEX in high school is ok....
I'll tell you why...  PEER PRESSURE and the twisting of our world on what is ok and what is not....

((Sorry - got off on a little rant there!)

I don't know what the answer is.  I don't know how to prevent it or make it better....

But I can tell you this young boys and girls......

The pressure that you feel growing up to dress right and act according to a role, and be skinny and be pretty and be smart and have sex and have babies....  those pressures....... THEY DON'T MATTER!!!!!!!  They are twisted realities!

What we need to teach our young ones is to just be YOU.  Love YOU for YOU.  Don't let someone tell you who to be or how to look or what to say or what to stand for.
Love others with all your heart.
Never be cruel.
When someone is cruel to someone who can't or won't defend themselves, stand up FOR them.
Be strong.
Be healthy.
Exercise.
Eat right.
Make good friends that you can trust.  Make them friends because you trust them not because of a social status.




What the adults forget to tell you is that one day you will be an adult out in the real world and the people that judged you and the people that you fought so hard to impress, won't matter anymore.
I can promise you that.

don't let ANYONE make you feel like less of a person than you are.

And respectively .... on that same note.... as adults - let's learn to live by these same values.
Every day be nice.  Be healthy.  Judge less.  Praise more.
Take care of yourself and respect others... you never know what they have been through or what they are currently going through.

Stop being SO judgmental and just love one another.

And teach your children to act likewise!

That is all.

Here is the video
(and before you watch it - let me preface it by saying, yes she is openly a lesbian.  But before you judge - that is not what this blog is about and I'm not trying to open that war here... just LISTEN to her words.  Period)

The journey.... Live Laugh Love

The Superbowl is on.... yeh... blahhhh
It's TERRIBLE

It's gym night..... yeh.... blahhh
The weather is terrible and frankly I don't wanna get out and travel in this mess

So it's just me... chillin at home, in front of the fireplace all warm and toasty and sippin on my lemon water  (cause I am still CARB FREE after all!)
*side note - ask me about THAT diet!!!*
And to be quite honest, I'm rather enjoying the quiet... AND my water  :)

And then I thought - I have not posted in my blog for MONTHS!!!  That's terrible.  I miss my journaling outlet and brain vomits, so here I am ..... with just some random thoughts that I have pondered recently...
because....
This is my 20th year out of high school - TWENTY YEARS!!!!
AND I have a son in COLLEGE!!!  my baby boy.... is in COLLEGE!!!

Time is a funny thing
As you are growing up, you can't wait to be 16, then 18, then 21.... then what?!!  You wish your life away birthday after birthday ... and then we all want time to stop.  But it flies.  It goes soooo fast.  And yet - in my mind it seems like high school really wasn't that long ago.   My parents are still in their 40's in my mind - even though I MYSELF am knocking on the door to 40!  Not logical I know.... but sometimes it just doesn't seem real. 
I have elderly patients tell me almost daily.... "don't get old - it's not all it's cracked up to be.  Everyone calls them the golden years, but I don't know what's so golden about them".

So tonight I sit and ponder over my life's journey.  Cause that is after all what it is all about... the journey.  Sure - as is the case with most of us, sometimes I wish I could go back and do a million things different based on what I know NOW.... but at the same time... I LOVE who I am today.  I love what I have been through.  I love the experiences I have under my belt and the stories I have to tell and the struggles I have fought to overcome.  It makes me strong.
Don't get me wrong... I'm a big ol' softie underneath.  I can cry at a commercial in a second (did y'all see that Budweiser puppy/horse commercial?!  That's what I live for!!) ... but when push comes to shove in this life - I do what I have to do to get through it!!!

My son will be 19 this year.  Like I said, he is a freshman in college... with his first semester under his belt! Yay! (which he didn't flunk which is a BONUS!  ha)   So we've had several conversations lately about life... and it made me think back to things I am thankful for and lessons learned on my journey.  Some the hard way... OK - actually MOST of them the hard way! 

Anyway.... just a few things I think you need to know as you are growing up......   OR if your grown up - maybe just a few things you can look back on and be grateful.

*  The teachers that drove you crazy are the BEST!  When I look back over my school days, there are a handful that stand out more so than others.  These are the ones NO ONE wanted.  The ones that MADE you do homework and graded everything with a fine toothed comb.  They MADE you crazy - but they made you push yourselves.  Be grateful for that.  THEY taught you the most not just about the class, but about YOU and what you are actually capable of!

*  It's ok to not know what you want to be "when you grow up".  You will eventually find yourself and you will just know.  Don't pressure yourself so much that you lose the journey to FINDING yourself!  Enjoy the steps along the way and one day you will stumble into something and within it you will find passion.  Let that lead you.

*  Your friends will be your lifeline.  Sometimes they come from high school and sometimes they don't come till later... in the most unusual way.  Treasure those relationships.  You NEED friends!  Of both sexes!

*  Everyone should work in customer service or food service at some point in life!  I truly believe it's one of the BEST ways to learn how to interact with people, to learn patience, and to learn that as a general rule - PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!!!!  lol    Laugh and keep moving.

*  Don't care so much what other people think.  Do YOU!!!  Be YOU!!  And love every bit of you!  You really DON'T need the approval of anyone else.

*  When it comes to love - Don't EVER settle!  Be yourself and not what you think someone will love.  And if anyone EVER asks you WHY they should stay..... Walk away...... NO.... RUN AWAY!!! You NEVER need to convince anyone as to why they should love you.  If they question it, they aren't the right one.  Period.

*  Everyone should live alone.  How else do you learn that your mom will not always be there to take out your trash before you have attracted every rat in the neighborhood!  How else do you learn that there is a point in time when your sheets just aren't safe to sleep on anymore...... they actually HAVE to be washed!  How else do you learn that working is a VERY important aspect in keeping the lights on in your place!

*  Take care of your body!  Exercise.  Lift weights.  If you never have before, start now!  It is so good for you and no one really ever stresses that to you!  It is not only good for you health wise, but it's also a great stress reliever and does wonders for your endorphins.   They say there is no better anti-depressant than exercise.  Just do it.  (speaking of - in case you don't follow me on facebook, I have some GREAT powerlifting updates soon!)

**Most importantly....... enjoy EVERY step of your journey.   It is yours and yours alone.  No ones will be like yours and yours will be like no one elses!!!  Don't rush through the journey... take notes, keep a journal, do some things on a whim and be ready for the repercussions.  There will be bumps and set backs.  There will be days when no one can stop you.  Learn from it all and savor every moment.   Sooner than you think you will be planning YOUR 20 year reunion from high school!!

LIVE.   LAUGH.   LOVE!!!

She Designed a Life that she Loved

and she didn't even realize it.
*That's gonna be my new book title*!  LOL

You know - we have choices every day.
Some we take so seriously and some are just made on a whim....

But I realized today... I HAVE designed a life that I love!

I had a conversation with my son recently.  *he started college this year*
He is - as were almost all of us at that age - wondering about his path.
College... career.... school... CHOICES.
Those life altering decisions we make.
He's trying to find direction.  (and I applaud him for that!)

my advice....
"Sit back little one and enjoy the ride"

Don't get me wrong... we should have plans.
Goals.
a Focus.
Somewhere you desire to be in life.

But don't get so overwhelmed in WHERE you are going that you close your eyes and miss the journey.

I am 37 years old.

When I look back over my life .... just starting with high school graduation... it's as though I have lived a million little lives all rolled into my ONE big life!
And even though there were times that I didn't know HOW I would make it through... I did.
And I look at them now and smile.

When I graduated high school - I had NO idea who I was OR who or where I wanted to be.
I WAS caught up in the moment.
maybe a little TOO much  ;-)
And I definitely have scars from it.

But I smile now.

People often ask if you could go back and change things in your life, would you?
And everyone says NO.  "Everything happens for a reason"
and that is true.
But lets just be honest.
If you COULD, you WOULD.
You would take what you know NOW and USE IT for back when you didn't have a clue!
Don't lie!
It seems that you could be so much further in life with the knowledge that you have now.
On paper, that would just seem to make sense.

Maybe the heartaches wouldn't have hurt so bad....... you would have known better

Maybe the money would have gone to smarter places.... you would have been more financially wise
Maybe the time would have been better spent... you would be more together and organized
Maybe the lack of direction would have been shorter lived... you would have known where you wanted to be.

~ BUT ~

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe

......maybe the heartaches TAUGHT you things and shaped your heart into what it is today... maybe they taught you to LOVE... to really LOVE.   Above and beyond no matter what.

Maybe that tender place you have in your heart for young single mothers would be dark and cold... maybe you learned COMPASSION.... on a whole other level.

Maybe the lack of direction and confusion that left you scared and bewildered TAUGHT you PATIENCE... maybe you learned to APPRECIATE a job and even more so a job with PASSION.

Maybe the waste of time that you spent bouncing around from jobs and people and places and circumstances TAUGHT you how to know a REAL friend when you see one.
Maybe that time "wasted" wasn't wasted at all.
Maybe you have memories that you can look back on and smile and know they never be replaced.

Maybe you wouldn't have had all those "nights at BW's with the best girls ever"
or those early morning shifts at Raffertys with people and managers that you STILL refer to today!

Maybe you wouldn't have all those memories with a son who KNOWS you better than almost anyone on this planet.  Maybe you wouldn't have the inside jokes about "Friends" or "Spongebob" or "late night drive bys" or "Nancy" or "Moach"

Maybe you couldn't look into your child's eyes and know there are lessons and morals and values and respect  and LOVE that YOU taught him... you showed him... you instilled into him.

Maybe the LOVE and PASSION and APPRECIATION and PRIDE and HONOR and COMPASSION and PATIENCE would not even be there today......

if you didn't Design a Life that you LOVE!

Dream big.

Make plans

Have goals

and know that EVERY decision you make is designing a life for you to love.

Know that when you are 18 or 22 or even 29 - you may not see it or understand it.
But you will....
That's what your 30's are for.

You will know who you are, where you are and what really is important.
And you will appreciate all of life's journey!

And on that note - I will soon be redesigning my blog in order to more accurately represent WHO I AM, what I stand for - and the life that I HAVE DESIGNED!!!

WHAT are YOU doing to your kids?!

WHO is the parent?
Are you letting everyone ELSE be the disciplinarian for your child?
Are you too busy?
too lazy?

I'm on my BOX today........

I recently heard that KY Athletics have passed a new rule that there is now no longer hand shaking allowed after sporting events.
I'm sorry........ WHAT?!!!!!!
No more "good game" pats on the butt??!!
Are you serious??
Because of FIGHTS.  THIS is where the rule came from?
Because of too many FIGHTS after sporting events???

ARE.  YOU.  KIDDING.  ME???????

Hey - I've got an idea...... why don't we take out the "good game" handshakes after the games AND give EVERYONE a trophy for PARTICIPATING!!!
JEEEEEEEEEEEEZ
I mean - we wouldn't want to HURT anyone's feelings!!!
Or offend a kid..... I mean PARENT or two!!!!!!

So rather than PUNISH the kids who don't know how to act.......
like hey - how about THROW THEM OFF OF A TEAM for fighting!!???....
yeah RATHER than punish those that don't know how to act.... let's punish ALL the kids and take away the last shred of sportsmanship we had left in our kids lives
Let's teach them that rather than punish those who don't know how to act and show THEM that there ARE repercussions to their actions......   rather than PUNISH them..... let's just teach ALL of our kids..... the ones that are playing sports for good reasons... let's teach them that sportsmanship is useless.
Stupid in fact.
A waste of time.
Not worth the effort.... or trouble!
Let's teach our little athletes growing up that it is all about YOU and the other team isn't worthy of your respect of even the time to shake their hands.
Let's teach them THAT LESSON as small children, so that IF they do grow up to play sports as a profession, or even if they DON'T  - they can KNOW ... for SURE.... without a doubt - that the game and the world is all about "ME".
"selfie generation"

WHAT are we doing to our kids?

WHERE are the parents standing up against this?
Is no one else at all offended about where the world is taking our children??

I'm surprised teachers are even allowed to give GRADES anymore...... for fear of making someone's child "feel stupid"!!!  I mean really......
your kid gets better grades than mine and it's not fair... it makes my son feel stupid.
We should stop giving grades.  It's JUDGMENTAL and punishing to some kids!!!
It's not FAIR!!!!!
NO - My kid does his homework and works his butt off for those A's....... your child is lazy and you are condoning that!!!

When did it happen that we as adults decided that we would revolve the WHOLE ENTIRE world around the kids?  When did we decide to start basing everything on them and what works for them?  When did we decide that discipline wasn't worth it?
It is too much trouble for you to teach your child right from wrong?  Is it just easier to let them do whatever they want and bend OUR lives to accommodate that?

What about the clip I found from Kelly Rippa on "LIVE with Kelly and Michael"??  She is discussing (or rather RANTING about) how some kids broke in and vandalized an NFL players house and then posted pics of themselves in the house..... drinking, destroying and living it up.  THEN the parents of said kids want to SUE the owner of the house saying that HE, the victim, might cost their children a chance at going to college....... because he exposed the kids!!!!!

WHAT?!!!

Here is the video....... watch it
you SHOULD be outraged!

GOSH - nevermind - I can't get the video to work - if you are friends with me on FACEBOOK you can find it on my facebook page.
STUPID.  just STUPID!!!

These kids DESTROYED someone else's property and exploited themselves on the Internet and then THEIR parents came to the rescue.  Defended them nonetheless.
WHAT??????????

These children will one day be the adults in our country!!!!!!!
These children will one day be our doctors... our lawyers.... our POLITICIANS..... they will make laws and oversee companies.
And they will believe that they are invincible.  Because this is what we are teaching them.

I just don't understand.

I LOVE my son with all my heart.  I do.
And I would do anything in the world to protect him and make life easier for him.

BUT
at the same time, I am his MOTHER.... not his best friend.  I am the parent.  It is my JOB to teach him right from wrong and to TEACH him how to survive in the world.

NOT to teach the WORLD to treat him as a GOD!

Are people really so consumed with making sure their kid "LIKES" them that they just can't say no?
Are people really so consumed with NEVER being the "bad guy" and NEVER telling their kid no.... no matter what it costs?

Are people really so LAZY that instead of parenting their OWN children, that they just let everyone else do it for them?

I mean really people.......
You are setting your children up for FAILURE!
You are teaching them NOTHING.

We are failing our children and our next generation.

I just don't get it.

I love Z.... but I have told him no.   And I will continue to do so
and he's EIGHTEEN!!!!!!!
I love my baby boy.... but I WILL let him grow up
I love him but I will be honest with him.

He will KNOW that there ARE consequences to MAKING MISTAKES!!!!
 and he will make them!
SO.  DID.  I.

It will HURT when he gets his heart broke and the world lets him down.
But he will KNOW that is life and he will move on.... rather than running to mom expecting her to change the world.
He will know.
He will understand

and he will be wiser and stronger for it.

Period.
Does that make ME the terrible parent???!!!

(drop the mic..... step down from podium...... WALK AWAY.... in disgust!)

 

There ARE people out there...

Wait.... WHAT?!
There are???

like this.....
(wait for it...)

I am in awe.
(keep waiting....)

Just yesterday I posted this blog 
(here is the link in case you missed it!)
I was fretting over my blog and some things that have happened in my life.
Worried about my lack of inspiration as of late...
And how I carry around all this bitterness and anger and resentment... and I feel like it's draining my soul.

My main point was that I felt like I needed to walk away from my blog... I felt like I had lack of direction or inspiration.  Like I had lost my original purpose in writing.
to inspire
to motivate
to truly share and wish the best for people.
I felt like there used to be all these people who followed me, and now suddenly - I don't hear from them anymore... do they still read?  Do they care?  Are they disappointed in me?

And then I got a text, a tweet actually, from my son whom has gone off to college ....
and doesn't "NEED" his mommy anymore.... cause that's what happen when they grow up - right??
And it said...

"I still enjoy your blogs. You should keep writing them, they have meaning to me."

And that's all it took.
to bring me back to where I should have been all along.

Sometimes we write (or speak) and we worry that we might say something wrong or hurt someones feelings or worry that someone will judge us or not want to be our friends anymore...
but HERE is the truth
We blog to be free.
I blog to be honest.
I blog to be me.
I blog to inspire.... to motivate... to be someone my son can be proud of.  
To be someone my son will look up to. 
I want him to know ME - the REAL ME.... not just what I chose for him to see...... I have always been honest with him... I always want him to know who I REALLY am.  Not just an "image" of what a mother "SHOULD be"
And if others do also - well.... that's just a bonus!  :)

So please allow me to continue to be me
to motivate... to inspire..... to be honest
and to NOT care if you judge me or don't like me or decide you don't want to be my friend anymore.

I am me.
Just me.(here is another link if you missed my cordial introduction of myself!  ha)
I vow to say what I feel and/or what I think
And if you can't handle it, go read someone else's thoughts!
Or just don't read MINE!

SO - After all that soul searching and some very sweet messages from some good friends of mine last night .... I happened to come across this video on facebook that someone had posted
And it broke my heart.   in a good way.
It reminded me that we are all "NOT PERFECT".
Whose job is it to decide what we are supposed to look like or act like anyway?  What is PERFECT?
We all make decisions and have thoughts that we ARE proud of... and some that we aren't!

We.  Are.  Human.

So I urge you to watch this....... have Kleenex on hand - TRUST ME on that!!!  It is especially dedicated to all you moms out there who have thoughts that you feel embarrassed to feel.
I was a single mom...... all of Zack's childhood!  And I raised a FINE OUTSTANDING young man..... of whom I couldn't be more proud.  But there are moments looking back that I DID make bad decisions.  There are moments that I am NOT proud of.  There are thoughts and decisions that I would DIE if someone had read my mind!  But they are real.  They are natural.  And it's OK.

I truly believe God gives his TOUGHEST battles to those of us who are the strongest....... and we rely SO MUCH on Him!!

Please follow the link below and read about the dad who found out his wife was pregnant with a child with Down Syndrome.  He is very honest about his feelings and the battles he fought within.
HE is a man who inspires me.
For his honesty... for his FIGHT... and for his heart overflowing with LOVE and understanding.  And I know that all the speed bumps they will encounter ahead may trip him up.... but this video proves that LOVE is stronger than anything.
And there is NOTHING stronger in the world - than the LOVE of a child.
whether it be your own by birth, your own through adoption, whether it be your nieces, your nephews, your best friends baby girl or boy.....
I promise you - there is NOTHING in the world GREATER!

Enjoy the video and I hope it touches you and makes YOU a stronger person! And if the case may be - a STRONGER PARENT.

This Guy Writes a Confession Letter to His Daughter with Down Syndrome

but WAIT!! STOP ~ NO ~ I'm not ready!!!

I don't feel like a "college kid" MOM!

BUT.....
the time is quickly approaching

...the inevitable is going to happen

...it was bound to come.

I should have been more prepared....

I'm so happy...

but  nervous.... and scared....

I feel accomplished and OH SO PROUD!!!

but EMPTY...

and WEIRD?

Cause I don't feel like I have a kid in college!!!
DO I?
I mean.... How could I?
I'm only 27 myself!!!  (ha ha haaaaaaaaa)

In all honesty - I do only feel like I should be 27 most days.  (some call that denial... I call it eternal YOUTH!  RIGHT?!!  ha ha )  I mean my best friends are getting married and having babies!!
And I'm just over here like...... WHEN is my baby moving out?

{insert big SAD frowny face!}

ohhhhhhhh man.......
it's my baby boy.
My pride.  My joy.  My one stable thing that's always been there.
We've been through so much together....
We've kinda grown up together...
he knows far more than he should and yet it could NEVER be enough for him to be on his own...

He only JUST graduated 8th grade......

RIGHT??!!

or....OK - HIGH SCHOOL.....
but I mean...... he's still only 18!

Not ready to be eaten alive by this great big MEAN world!!!

I could almost hyperventilate just thinking about it.

at 18.......

The things I did.
The places I went.
The people I met
The STUPID decisions I made.

He CAN'T be ready.
Can he??


Then I remember when I was 18.  And how ready I was to face the world.  I didn't know a DANG thing, but I held my head high and I walked out and met the world head on.
Things I didn't know, I learned as I went.
Things I did know - turned out to be WRONG so I just learned them again! (and again... and AGAIN if need be!)

I made right choices and wrong choices...
I made good friends and bad friends...
There were ups and there were downs....
High times and LOW times....

But all in all....... I faced the world... and today, although there are still fights and struggles from time to time  - I feel like I came out AHEAD!!!  WINNING!!!!!!
I survived it!
And for most of that -  I can thank my parents for raising me to be the STRONG compassionate Christian I am today.
I can thank them for teaching me to be independent
...for teaching me to get back up when you fall down
....for teaching me to not take NO for answer when it's something you believe in...

I thank my parents and friends along the way for WHO I AM TODAY!

And I have raised that baby boy to BE the man he is growing into.

I raised him to see the good all around him.
I raised him to see the good in people and appreciate the beauty in that.  It's rare.
I raised him not to take things for granted.
I raised him to understand that not everything comes easy and one wrong decision can land you in hard times...
I raised him not to judge those who have come upon hard times...
I raised him to treat everyone as equals...
I raised him to understand that some people will do ANYTHING to get ahead, but sometimes "anything" isn't worth it in the end.

Be good.

Be honest.

Be trustworthy.

Be respectful.

Be loyal.

And most of all, stand true to that moral, God-fearing, passionate, good-hearted soul that makes me so proud to call you my SON!

So if you see me or talk to me on Sunday and I'm crying or seem sad.....

Know that I'm not SAD.

Know that those are tears of joy and there could not be another person on this planet more proud of that young man as he steps out MY front door to face this great big world on his own.

I love you ZackCoolio!!!  :) 

I will miss that quirky little boy and all the WEIRD things we've done though his growing up years.... all the silly things that make him JUST LIKE ME.  Mama's boy... my spitting image.  All the "traditions" that he will carry with him.  Some he will still come home for... and some he will hopefully pass on to his family one day.  Never forget the times growing up and always cling to those hard lessons learned.  And the many more to come.  They give you backbone and make you YOU!



Hold on to Spongebob and Scooby and Little League and the Green Car and Nancy's and when times get hard and you think you can't go on... Put on some Pink Floyd so loud that Nancy can hear it and know that "this too shall pass"

Hold on to this quilt full of road trips and ballparks and MEMORIES every night you are away and remember I have always been your BIGGEST fan and I always will be!

Turning over "leafs"... and growing trees!

It never fails, after I have a crappy day... and spend a little time reflecting on things... that the VERY NEXT day there appears a GIGANTIC fire under my butt!!!

No time for pity party hats over here!!

I am instead focusing on how my life has changed and grown and how I am better today than I was before.

YES - I am going to toot my own horn!
And you should too!

Toot your horn, pat yourself on the back, stand a little taller and be PROUD!!!
(If you need help doing that, hit me up - I will SHOW you all the positive around you.  I will SHOW you how easy it is to be proud of where you are AND I will motivate you to keep going!)

First of all - My sweet baby boy is a MAN.  (on paper anyway!  ha)   I raised this little boy through good and bad, through some pretty rough times and sometimes on nothing at all but prayers, hopes and dreams.... And today I finalized his registration for college.  My baby boy is going to college.  My baby boy has grown up with a heart like none other and hopefully with just a smidgen of my drive to go out into this world and BE SOMETHING!!!  Leave a mark!
This single mommy did that.  I raised him, I taught him, I tried to be a positive role model and example and I pushed him to never give up!  *I'm not saying I did it alone...he has been loved and supported by many*
I am PROUD of who he is today and where he is going  :))

I love my job.  YES.  I do.  I quit a full time job and went BACK to school in order to find a career that is fulfilling for me.  Something I could do with passion.  There are days that are more stressful than others... and days I wanna kill someone... but that is normal.  Right?!!  LOL   But seriously.... I love what I do.  I even love that I work with patients every day.  I interact.  I meet people.  I hear stories - some that impact me!  And I tell stories... some that I hope have some impact on someone else.   This life is all about helping each other and being kind to one another.   Why is that so hard for people to understand?!!  Just BE NICE!  You never know when something you say can either make or BREAK someone's day.  Be kind.  Smile.  Enjoy every day of your life.  You never know when the direction might change... and there are things you can never get back!

I have THE best boyfriend of all time!  Who else would get up and fix me scrambled eggs EVERY day before work??!!  To keep me in line and on my diet!  No excuses!!  Who else would stick with me through all my insanity  hee hee * (insert one of my Lido "diddys"!!  ha)*  Who else would have the patience to work out with me {a newbie!} on a regular basis and not kill me?!  ha!  No one knows me like this man.   And for SURE no one LOVES me like that man!   I am one lucky little princess!

I am officially a GYM RAT.  Yes - I can say that now.   And I'm proud of that!  So many times before.. I thought I would get into shape.. blah blah blah....  But it never lasted.  What is that saying about making something a habit?  It takes how long?!!   BLAH   I don't think there is a defined time limit.  I think there is a defined PASSION that you must find in order to make a lifestyle change.   You can't make that decision for someone else and no one can make it for you.  To be totally dedicated you have to want it for YOURSELF!!!
And when you make that decision - people will look at you funny!!!   Guaranteed!
Because who WANTS to eat healthy and work out all the time...??
ME!!!

I AM A POWERLIFTER!!!!
WHAT?!!!
And I'm a GIRL (in case y;'all missed that memo!)
I have officially competed in TWO full power lifting meets.  (and a push pull meet that wasn't sanctioned) 
I am listed on the interwebzz YO!!!! 
APA (American Powerlifting Assoc) and SPF (Southern Powerlifting Federation).
WHAT?!!
Yeah - that's right.  I'm worldwide baby!!!  ha ha
Now granted - my numbers don't rank in the top gazillion lifters in the US - BUT I'm on my way and what are YOU going to do to stop me?  Or tell me that I can't?
Make fun of how I eat?
Make fun of how I spend my free time?
Tell me I'm crazy?
Tell me that I'll look like a boy?

nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Some people play soft ball, some people shop (don't worry - I still do that!!  Just for different stuff now!), some people run, some do yoga...
This is what I do now.
And I love it!

My mom told me I'm going to blow out my veins!!
I told her Elvis did that taking a dump!!!  hee hee

I'm having fun and my body looks better than ever and I'm HEALTHIER for it!!!
WHAT?!!

I raised my kid to be a strong loving passionate man,

I have a man that loves me,

I go to work every day and I love what I do,

I pay my bills and I pay taxes,

I have a loving family I know I can count on,

I have the best friends known to man,

My best friends are having babies for me (ha ha) 

(making me Aunt Tammy again!),

I eat healthy

I lift heavy

and one day, I will hold a RECORD!!!

WHAT WILL YOU LEAVE BEHIND

WHEN YOU ARE GONE?

If I inspire one person to be better tomorrow than they are today - I will die a happy woman!  :)

And as I said before...... I will be happy to talk to anyone about lifting, eating, NO CARB, motivation, passion.... HOW TO GET STARTED and how to stay on track!!!!

I LOVE THIS LIFE!

I have met some of the most amazing and inspirational people out there through this lifestyle!  I hope someone can say that about me one day!!

Don't be afraid to be a LOSER.. and teach your kid to be one!

Why don't we teach our kids to lose?   to fail?  that life isn't fair?
I always worried when Z was growing up about how I was gonna pay the bills.  Don't we all!  But I didn't want HIM to worry; that's my job as the parent.... to worry.  So I tried to protect him from it.  And I would go without in order for him to have things so he didn't have to know how tough it was to make ends meet!
WHY?
for what?
Because - and I give you this - we ALL agree that we don't want our kids to worry about stuff like that.  We want them to enjoy their childhood.  To "have it better than we had it"
but WHY??

Now I'm not saying go tell your kids a sob story to make them feel bad about themselves... I'm just saying be honest.  Teach them to WORK for things (I need to practice this too!).  Teach them the value of work and money and having things.  Teach them things don't ALWAYS come easy!

Was your life REALLY that tough?
I mean - growing up - maybe you thought it was... but seriously - it WASN'T!
I was blessed... and very lucky!  Though I would have NEVER told you that growing up.
I know now.

I have two brothers, both of which are very athletic and always played sports growing up.
One brother was always on the "winning" teams;  and the other was always on the "losing" teams
The one that was always on a winning team, doesn't lose well  (hard to imagine I know)
The one who participated in "losing" more, had a tough time growing up and dealing with it (he's sensitive!)... he got his feelings hurt, he got down, he got frustrated...
But on the flip side - when he won - OH he was so happy.  He learned to APPRECIATE winning.  And with time, he learned how to lose and how to use that to DRIVE himself to be better.
He learned that sometimes you have to WORK for things... they don't always come easy!
My other brother always expects to win.  He HAS to win.... God love him we (me and my siblings) are ALL very competitive - but let him lose at a board game or cards or whatever we might be doing - he is NOT a good "loser"  ;-)  {Love ya CG}
That doesn't make him a bad person - it's just that life handed him a different hand.
You live what you learn!

As parents, often times we do this with our children.  Not just in sports but with everything they experience growing up.
They do something wrong - we make excuses for them.... because you don't want your kid to get in trouble for something.  We worry that it looks bad on us as parents... rather than worrying about what we are teaching our children.
They don't do good in a game, and we pat them on the back and tell them they are the BEST even if they messed up.
Now - don't get me wrong here.... don't jump ship thinking I'm a HORRIBLE person and a TERRIBLE mom...  Don't judge!
I'm all about positive reinforcement.  I'm all about boosting ego and making children feel good about themselves and building self esteem.
But there is a line.
If your kid doesn't practice for the big game, or recital, or play or whatever it may be that they are involved in - don't make excuses for them.  They didn't put in the work.   Tell them so.
Otherwise, it teaches them that they don't have to TRY
That everything should just come easy
It teaches them to belittle people who DO work hard... it teaches them to play VICTIM!
It's NOT OK to NOT be prepared.
Period.
"I love you and you're very talented, but you didn't earn first place today."
One thing that drives me CRAZY is trophies!
Since when does every team get a trophy?!!
Things (not just sports) are set up to be a competition... for a reason.
There is a winner, and welcome to reality - there ARE losers!!!
(Loser is NOT a curse word... it simply means someone did better than you... in other words - WORK HARDER!)

It's preparation for life!

When you got your job - did you INTERVIEW for it?  Did others interview for it?
Someone WINS (gets the job) and someone LOSES (doesn't get the job)
Shouldn't we PREPARE our children for this?

There aren't consolation prizes in life!

Shouldn't we prepare them to lose?  So they know what to DO with that loss??

{{step down off of soap box}}

I know I got off on a bit of a rant there... but the whole sense of "entitlement" that children present themselves with these days is out of control.
Kids that sit on the couch and demand snacks to be delivered to them... kids that demand the newest video game that's out.... kids that REQUIRE the newest and best car at 16!

Is life really THAT easy?
Should we prepare them to believe that it is.

Life isn't fair
and you DO have to WORK for things you WANT in life.

Teach your kids that it's OK to LOSE.
And then teach them what to DO with that loss...
teach them to use that loss
to DRIVE them
to PUSH them harder...
to WORK harder....
to WANT more from life!!

Teach them to lose.   It's ok

I have recently started power lifting...
The only thing I wanted for my birthday (yesterday) was to be able to bench 100 pounds....
It's all I thought about yesterday.
I've trained
I mentally thought about it and did the lift it in my head all day
And I got to the gym last night.... and I made my attempt
and I FAILED.

I could let that crush my spirit and walk away defeated.  Frustrated.  MAD.
But I will instead (and have already) do some research... talk to people more experienced than me.... ask questions... figure out what else I can do to reach my goal.

I will use that FAILURE to catapult me to be even better.

It's ok to fail.... it's what you do with that failure that matters the MOST!

Here is my failure.   I shared it on a public forum to get advice and tips from those more experienced than me... and I have already, in less than 24 hours, taken this failure and turned it into a plan to BE BETTER.

BE a loser - and teach your kid to be one too!

To be a good loser, is to learn how to WIN.   

~Carl Sandburg~

Good girl... gone Bad... gone MOM?!

There are many things in my life that I have screwed up.
I have made my FAIR share of mistakes for sure!

I look back now and think "What in the world was I thinking?"
I have told my mother "I'm sorry" on numerous occasions!!

Out of all the "mistakes" I made - one affected me more than anything else ever would!
This is something I really haven't ever shared on here - I don't think... not like this anyway.  Not just raw and unleashed.... facts.
Emotionally raw facts.

Let me preface it by saying this before people start GASPING for air!!!
My CHILD is not a mistake.  And I will NEVER refer to him as such.  He was, and is, and will forever be the BEST gift I could ever have.
Let's just get that CLEAR now before I go on......

The mistake however comes from my blatant disregard of being told ALL MY LIFE that other things are WAY more important than boys and dating and SEX.
So I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and lived my life - with no regard to anything anyone else said.

Also with no regard to what my future might hold if I put my focus in the right places and on the right things.
But alas - I didn't.

And I got pregnant.

With my job now, I see girl after girl come in for ultrasounds of babies.
Some planned pregnancies and some not....
Some married and older
and some not married and just babies themselves....

Some days it doesn't bother me... because it's my job  - and I'm genuinely happy for people.
Having a baby TRULY is a miracle.
But some days -  it scratches a nerve.
And it takes me back....

and... well... some days it brings me to my knees.

So - what do I do when I'm filled with emotions that I don't know what to do with?!
I share them....
in hopes that it will touch someone out there and make some sort of an impact or difference in someone else's life.

So here we go.

I was 18 when I got pregnant.  Yes.
18. 
A statistic.  
A "teen pregnancy"
I was just out of high school and guess what - I wasn't married.
I wore a big large SCARLET LETTER above my head.
I know it was an embarrassment to my parents.
And I don't mean that in an UGLY way either... it's just that I was raised in church every time the doors were open.
Being pregnant and not married is kind of a dead give away that you have "had sex out of wedlock"

So I was 18.   I had already moved out on my own.  I had worked from the time I was 16.
I was and still AM a very head strong INDEPENDENT girl (thank you ~again~ to my mother for putting that in my genes)
So when I found out I was pregnant - the baby's dad asked if I wanted to get married   My reply was simple "If I wasn't pregnant right now, would you be asking?  NO?  Then no is the answer"
And I left it at that.
We did continue to live together.
I worked up until the day before my baby boy was born.
The father jumped from job to job and I'm sure never attended one doctor appointment with me.
At the time, I couldn't have cared less.
Because you see in my mind... I was doing what was to be done.
Abortion was NEVER an option.
So the day I found out I was pregnant, I basically went from 18 to 28 overnight.  I had to.
There was a job to do and someone to take care of and so that is what I did.

Looking back now - I realize I took all of the emotion out and just did what needed to be done.
What HAD to be done.
Very technical.... Point A to Point B.  Go through the motions.
Don't get me wrong.  I love that little (now grown) boy... but at that time, I do believe I took emotion out in order to keep from breaking down.  I think it was a defense mechanism.
I don't even remember an ultrasound with him.
I didn't know if he was a boy or girl.   Not because I wanted to be surprised... but because honestly, I didn't know to ask?  (mind you - I knew deep down, "mother's intuition" that he was a boy... I only had a boys name picked out when I went to the hospital... I just knew.  Good thing I was right!)
I scan people EVERY day now and I don't even remember having my OWN ultrasound.
I find myself just telling people that I didn't find out what I was having.
Cause I didn't....
Never mind that I COULD have if I had known to ask!!

I went to all my doctor visits
and I took my vitamins
and I watched what I ate
and I didn't drink
and I did all the "do's" and "don'ts"
.......but I don't remember my belly moving, or seeing him for the first time on an ultrasound machine.  I don't remember wanting to know or even asking if I could find out the gender.  I just know I went to the doctor and they would tell me everything looked fine and I would just keep fighting... for HIM.
That's all I knew to do.

I didn't KNOW to be scared that something could be wrong.
I didn't KNOW to be scared of premature labor.
I didn't KNOW the MILLIONS of things that COULD go wrong.
I didn't KNOW to be scared.
I didn't know there was anything to be scared of.

I also didn't know.....

.... that on May 14, 1995 my life would be forever changed.
I didn't know that on that Mother's Day I would be given a gift that would not only change my life forever, but my heart too.
I didn't know..... until I held him in my arms.

Yes - I was a teen pregnancy.  We see them all the time.  And it is sad how people these days have no regard to teaching their children what is priority and what is not.   Or maybe we do try to teach them in a world full of self-indulgent people that feel like the world owes them something.
How did we raise a society that believes getting pregnant and living on welfare and letting someone else pay our bills is ok?

I am living proof that YOU can work and take care of your baby.
Yes - I did have a medical card while I was pregnant.  But I was also working 40+ hours a week paying taxes to cover that benefit that I was very lucky and thankful to have.
I digress....... THAT topic is for another blog!

Let's teach our kids that the world does NOT owe them something.  Let's teach them to WORK for what they have.  Let's teach them that it's better to focus on making a life for yourself before you attempt to bring someone else into this world to take care of.

I learned all of that the hard way.

And every time I scan a young single girl on her own.... it takes me back all those years ago... and it breaks my heart a little more for them every time.

I am thankful for the gift of being a MOTHER
I am PROUD of that young man I have raised..... he will be 18 in just a few short months.

I just hope I raised him to know right from wrong.
I hope somewhere in him is the drive to be better and do better and grow up to be someone who makes a difference in this world around him.
I just hope he is as proud of me one day as I am of him.

(PS - this will likely be a series of blogs.... I'm on a roll and it's too much for one ranting!)

Ohhhh... now I know!

Growing up - we ALL knew everything.
You NEVER believed that grown ups were smarter than you.  I mean - hello - didn't we know it ALL!!!??
I did!
...and I would be the first to tell you!
I knew how things worked.... I knew how to do everything.... I knew what the consequences were... and most of the time, I really couldn't have cared less!
Grown ups were stupid and they DEFINITELY didn't know how to have fun.
And gosh they were always planning and setting goals and being all responsible and crap.
Who needs that?!!

Man - OH MAN - I wish I could go back and know what I know now.

As a mother now - I find myself trying to steer my son one way over another... trying to teach him to be responsible for himself.  To think ahead.  To plan ahead.  To be independent.  To work towards something.  Have a goal.  Have a passion (and that's NOT sitting in a dark room all night playing video games!)  PRIORITIZE!!!!
The things that "seem" important in most teenage eyes are NOT.
They just aren't.
Although at the time, it might just feel like LIFE OR DEATH..... trust me when I say.... NO!  It's NOT!

What IS life and death??

Having priorities.  Having goals.  Pushing yourself.  Taking care of YOU and not worrying what others around you are doing or planning.

As a kid - even though I knew it all... there were still things I wondered about.   But I wouldn't DARE ask someone.  I would figure them out on my own.
*I did after all - have my "I know everything" reputation to uphold!*
Guess what?
I usually figured wrong.
I had no direction.
I was all go with the flow.... ehhhhhh whatever.

That attitude....didn't get me far.
In fact - it got me nowhere quite fast.
Spinning my wheels... wondering why life didn't get easier?

So, what did?

When I sucked it up and realized - I am responsible for ME!
ME!
It is MY job to pay the bills and buy the house and work the job and buy the clothes and buy the groceries and put gas in the truck and on and on and on......

So I set some goals.
I changed my life path....
(and I still change it almost daily.)

Oh sure - some things are constant... but they are constant because I finally REACHED them as a goal.
Everything that I have in my life started with one little glimmer one sun-shiny day when I realized... 

"this is what I want and THIS is how I will get it"

And most importantly it started with LOSING that "I know everything" mentality and realizing that I didn't just KNOW everything.  There are people out there that have actually been through this.  And they know the right v wrong path to take.  And if I will just sit down and prioritize on what is important, I too - will find that right path.
And so I did.

But I look for new paths all the time.

The key to growing up is never giving up the ability to grow.
You become a better person every day.
You learn EVERY day.
You make (hopefully) better choices every day.
You learn from experience.
You learn from mistakes
but most importantly - you LEARN that you DON'T know everything and that is OK.

I, on a regular basis have moments when I think....... "Ohhhhhhh..... Now I know!"
And those moments.... yeah - I live for them!

My most recent one.....
I never understood why people did things that induce vomiting.
I HATE to puke.
HATE.  
IT.  
PERIOD.
HATE!
(is that clear enough?)
Both of my brothers ran cross country.... and for anyone who has ever work the "PUKE CHUTE" - you understand the vomit inducing sport of cross country all too well.

WHYYYYY would someone WANT to run so hard and so far that you THROW UP????

Stupid.

Guess what I have learned......
(wait for it.....)
YES - I have always wondered what it would feel like to literally work out to the brink of puking.....
and.... NOW I KNOW!
and......I wondered WHY anyone would WANT to work so hard that you are at the brink of puking....

Ohhhh......now I know!

PASSION

PRIDE

ACCOMPLISHMENT

SUCCESS

There is no greater joy than to know that YOU worked for where you are.  No one put you there... no one snuck you through the system... no one did the work for you.... no one made excuses for you and told you "it's ok"....
Someone PUSHED you.
YOU pushed YOU.
and you reached your goal.
No one can teach you that.
and no one can take it away.

Someone go back and tell my stupid teenage "I know everything" self that!

Thanks.
ohhhhhh...... NOW I know!
And every day I understand life just a little bit better!

{{PS - I know, according to yesterday's blog, My Inspirational Weekend I was supposed to be sharing some news today - but I had to share this first.... before ... so that you can understand the magnitude of the impact of the information that I am about to unleash on you!!}}

Wait .... for ..... it.....

Strength... Motivational Monday

I believe that everything happens for a reason
Call it fate
Call it Gods plan
Call it what you will
But I DO believe that everything happens for a reason AND that every person you encounter is for a reason!!!

Experience doesn't just happen overnight. Neither does knowledge. Or strength (physical or emotional). It takes time. And willpower. And mistakes. And falling on your face.
And some dang hard lessons learned!!

I do feel strong
I have experienced a lot
I have made mistakes and I have fallen flat on my face
And just when you think you've survived as bad as it can get .. Thats when you get knocked down and get to learn yet another lesson and you come out that much stronger!!

People wanna quit... be sad.... give up.  Pretend that the world owes them something.
No one wants to fight anymore.
And I can't understand why!!

There are mistakes to be made. No one is perfect. No one walks a path of perfection.. It's those side roads and dips and curves that build and prove your character.
Sometimes we need someone's hand, but ultimately - it's on YOU.  YOU must dig down deep and believe in yourself and get up. Grab a hand if you need, but its still on you.

You must believe that even if you made a mistake, even if you failed, even if you fell flat on your face... You learned... You grew... And you were quite possibly there for someone else. Perhaps you walked a road not just for you... but for someone else.
Maybe... just maybe... your heartache was a lesson for someone else?

Get up and show the world just how strong you are
Show the world and someone who might need to see it that you and your God can handle anything. Show others that character you've been building inside!!
Be proud of those mistakes and falls and wrong turns

Because I promise you.... One day you'll stop for a minute and look up and you will not believe where God had planned all along for you to be!!!
You will look up and thank God for those experiences you walked through
You will be thankful.
Thankful for your walk, thankful for your falls, thankful for the people you met along the way. Thankful for the ones still there and thankful for the ones that were only there for a spell.

One day you will walk into a gym with a friend "just to get healthier"
....and then only months later you will realize that man has loved you all along. That man will tell you that when you left, he only prayed to hold you one more time... (Sniff sniff)
And one day you will walk into a gym and deadlift 220 pounds and love every single minute of it and push for more!!! Never knowing you even wanted that to begin with?!
One day your son will get his college acceptance letter in the mail and you will know that having that baby at 18 and working and sacrificing and giving and loving and crying and fighting so hard and never giving up.... and trusting in God... for almost 18 years has made you the proudest and strongest single mom this world has ever seen!!

Ok.... Your plan may not involve a gym and dead lifting and being a single mom... But I can promise you this... I can promise you that one day you will look up and find it hard to believe that your character and your place has been planned all along.
You will thank God for where he brought you and the strength and character that you've been building all the way through!!

You will know that you were strong all along and now you are even stronger!!

Don't. Give. Up.

IT NEVER GETS EASIER.... YOU JUST GET STRONGER!!!!

I am NO parent.....

I am but HUMAN....

I must admit, there are times when I love who I am today because of choices I have made... I am strong, I am independent, I am successful, I am a MOM.
But there are also days when I wish I could take so many of those steps back.
They brought me here.. and sometimes break me here.....

I have walked down a road that I never expected to walk.
I did bring a child into this world at a very young age.
I KNOW how hard it's been and I KNOW how hard I've tried.  And I'm proud of that.  Because I know there are so many other ways things could have gone.

I also KNOW how many times I failed.  I know how many times I've cried.  I know how bad it's hurt....
And I feel it when the world crashes around me.

I've gone to the wrong places, I've had the wrong friends, I've made bad decisions and I've walked the wrong roads.... I have not and will not ever claim to be perfect.

so..... before you speak....
Who are you to judge?
 Do YOU want to walk my road?
Who are you to hurt me?

When you've grown up and moved away from home and can tell me you DON'T have nights where you lie awake feeling the guilt and pain from the heartache you inflicted on your parents,
THEN you can tell me how YOU were the perfect child.

When you grow up and raise children of your own and they never talk back and never break rules and never break your heart -
THEN you can tell me how YOU are the perfect parent.

Until then - don't judge me and don't tell me how you would do things different.
It just hurts.
I don't need to relive every mistake I've made.  I don't need to be told how I mess up every day.
I can only do the best that I know how to do...
One day at a time.

I found this from another blog and had to share........

You have not walked in my shoes
You have not been down my road.
You have not cried my tears.
You have not carried my load.
Why do you judge me?

You think you know my story.
You think you know my pain.
You think you know my future.
You don't even know my name.
Why do you judge me?

You were not there to see me stumble
You were not there to see me fall.
You were not there to pick me up.
You were not there at all.
Why do you judge me?

Copyright April 2010.  All rights reserved by Sam Bristow

Oh to know it all...

Remember back when you were a teenager and you realized that you knew everything?! You had all the answers and no one could do or know better than you!!
You were invincible!!
And everyone, ESPECIALLY your parents were the stupidest, most uncool people you knew!!

Remember that far back?

Well I vacationed with one of those lovely teenagers this past weekend!  My dear sweet son.  Don't get me wrong - I love him and thank God for him EVERY day.  But when all was said and done - I felt the undying urge AGAIN to call my mother and apologize for being such an annoying, know-it-all, "you know what" when I was 16!  Sheeeeeeeew!

Aside from learning how stupid I am in my old age and how embarrassing I am - we REALLY had a great time this weekend!
I took Z man to North Carolina.  (for those of you who don't know - UNC is Z's favorite team EVER!)  So we went to visit the campus in Chapel Hill and went to the game Sunday night (which they WON - yay!)
We spent time Sunday afternoon just walking around the campus on our own.  Z was overwhelmed I do believe.  He plays baseball and I think seeing the actual field and the players scrimmaging was probably the highlight of his trip.  It was awesome!  :)

Here are a couple of the highlights of the conversations that were to be had while we were gone.

After a drive through Starbucks where I got us both a snack and coffee and hot chocolate respectively, I chipperly replied as a pulled away "Gosh I am just a ray of sunshine!"   (now mind you I just used a gift card to buy us treats at the MOST expensive place in the world to get coffee - that makes me in a good mood!)  My son then replied... "yeh - you HAVE been in a good mood.... which is rare.  Maybe you should go on vacation more often!"
WOW - I didn't realize I was such a drag!  :-/
UNCOOL PARENT!!!

What about when we got off the plane to head back to our vehicle to head home.  I had parked in long term parking.  But upon getting off the plane, I hurriedly jumped on a shuttle not realizing it was the shuttle to ECONOMY parking, NOT long term.  My son quickly pointed out my stupidity and that he knew all along we were on the wrong shuttle.  :)
STUPID MOM!!  

Even through all of that though - the trip meant the world to me!!  More than anything I wanted Zack to see a campus and a baseball field and what his future could hold - I wanted to light a fire under him... and start a desire for what the world has to offer if he will only chase it!  (and push him in the direction to not make the same mistakes I made!)

OH to be young again and know everything.
I remember back when I knew everything.....  what HAPPENED to all that knowledge cause I SURE have made some monumental mistakes since then! 

I love you mom and dad and thanks again for making me who I am today!!!  (And I'm soooooooo sorry)

Most of all - I love my bi-polar, moody, eat me out of house and home, temperamental teenager! (and I pray every day for the road he chooses to pursue!)

Here's a few shots from our trip!

this is only the second time Z has been on a plane - he did pretty good!

The dome

the baseball field

Check it out - even the firetrucks are UNC blue!!!

ROCK ON UNC TARHEELS!!!!!!!!!

Who is this kid? Who is this mom?

At 18, I found out I was pregnant.
Obviously, not being married and fresh out of high school, this was an unplanned big surprise to me...
Coming from a relationship with my mother that was not so perfect at the time, I planned to do everything "BETTER"!! 
I had NO idea what I was in for. 
After his birth, finding a joy and love in a child I never knew I could feel, I have also found a hurt that NO ONE else could ever put on me.

I have been a single mother for 15 years.  and YES - there have been hard times and OH YES, there have been many many mistakes.
I'm not perfect
nor did I ever claim to be
But I tried.... oh how I have tried.

My son is now about a week away from being 16.

And looking back over the years, I realize, being a mother is a constant looking back at what I did wrong.

I did my best to make sure my son always had not just his needs met, but also most of his "wants".  Turns out now all those things are taken for granted and being told NO makes me the meanest mom in the world.

I did my best to make sure the house was clean and clothes were washed and our place was nice, no matter where we lived.  Turns out now my son seems to be ignorant to what "cleaning your room" actually means, and even getting dirty clothes to the laundry room is a chore, much less turning on a washing machine or dryer.

I did my best to make sure decisions were made that would benefit him in the long run rather than making decisions based on a whim or a mood.  Turns out now all his decisions are based on what kind of mood he happens to be in that day.

I did my best to accentuate his talents in sports... basketball and baseball.  I did my best to make sure he always played and had what he needed and was praised for good efforts!  Turns out when everything was easy and handed to him, no effort was required on his part.  NOW anything that requires hard work or effort is not something he wants to be a part of.  He just wants to have fun.

I did my best to talk to him about peer pressure and alcohol and drugs and things he would soon be faced with.  Turns out I had NO idea how much more pressure there is on kids these days and things I thought he could stand up to, he didn't.

I did my best to raise him with values and work ethic and love and compassion and desire...
I did my best to show him how HARD we have to work everyday, but there is still time for fun...
I did my best to show him that no matter how hard life gets, his mom will always be here...
I did my best to show him that tough love means I love you, but I have to prepare you for hurt...


I did what I thought was right at the time, but I can say today that the more I thought I did right... the more that things just constantly remind me that it doesn't matter. 
Right or Wrong? 
There is no right or wrong!! 
All you can do is instill all the values in the world in your child and show them that you love them.
At some point, you have to release those mommy strings and LET THEM FALL.
and ohhhhhhhhhhh how that HURTS.
and ohhhhhhhh how it makes me feel like a failure and like I DID do everything wrong.

And every time I get a letter from a teacher at school, or a phone call from another parent, or a comment from my husband, or hear a story about a party, I am just reminded that after all these years....  I don't know who I am anymore... I don't know what to do anymore... I don't know where the line is between loving and letting go.

I don't know this child that resides in my home anymore.  And I don't know me anymore.
All I know is most days, my heart just hurts.
My pushing only causes fights.  He pushes back.
He's trying to spread his wings too.

So I walk away.... and let him fly.... and watch him fall.  And try to be here when he needs me.

I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore?
Did I EVER know??




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