The Journey

I was posed a question tonight... that I can't release from my mind?

~Do you think someone can just fall OUT of love?~

I can't seem to erase that question from my head OR come up with a really good answer...

So - for what it's worth - here are my thoughts...
WHAT DO YOU THINK???

Just for a moment, let's contemplate the love between a woman and a man.

First of all.... I don't think it happens over night.
Yes, I do believe there can be an initial attraction... SPARKS you would say.

And in that case, is it really "love" initially?  or JUST an attraction... a fascination... intrigue....
something that sparks that initial interest....
curiosity.

Second of all.... I think a series of choices have to occur that lead you down the path of love.
Everyone has a list of "criteria" if you will, that you are looking for.
It may be as simple as blue eyes, or just great eyes; or it may be as deep as a spiritual foundation.
But you have this list.  In your head.  Big or small, the "criteria" that you look for. (admitted or not!)
Once you feel you have found someone that meets your criteria, you make choices to get to know them.
And to let them know you.
You choose to show the real you or you choose to show them what you WANT them to see.
OR you decide they don't meet your criteria and you CHOOSE not to walk down that path.

This is where things get tricky.

Because I believe in the old saying, "Love is a Journey, not a Destination"
You begin to make choices.
What you will accept and what you want.
What you need and what you can live without.
Who you want to be.
......Because let's face it.
As we get to know each other, NOBODY is perfect and we ALL have baggage.  No matter what age we are and what our past may entail, we ALL have baggage.

So you begin a journey with someone you have now developed an interest in.
Time passes and you each learn about the other.
And I think depending on your openness and willingness, there is no set time on how long it takes to REALLY fall IN love!

But - once you trip and fall - are you IN IT FOR LIFE?  I mean - are you really?
Once you are IN - can you fall OUT?

Here's my answer.
YES.

Love IS a journey.  A journey of commitment, of promises, of a deep seeded fundamentally grounded DESIRE to enrich someone else's life.
A journey to put a smile on someone else's face, even before your own.
A journey of sacrifices.
A journey of compromises.
It's when you look at someone and they make you WANT to be a BETTER person.
A journey with someone who inspires you...  Someone who supports you...  Someone that you know no matter what will be standing beside you at the end of the day.... you above ANYONE ELSE.
It is a journey
A series of every day choices.

It's easy to roll over and say the words, "I love you"
but how hard is it to truly LOVE another individual enough to embark on that journey?!

Fact of the matter is - in today's selfish, self righteous, self indulging, self gratifying society... it seems to be the HARDEST journey there is to take and commitment to make.
Divorce and break ups and heart ache is all around us every day.
It seems to be MUCH easier to focus on SELF and check out of that journey you were so committed to on day one.


Love requires work.  It requires effort.  It requires nurturing.
And let's face it, whether it was real or not in the beginning, if someone checks out - it is because they made the CHOICE not to work or nurture that affection anymore.

Does that mean that you fell OUT of love?
You just happened to roll over one day and look at your significant other and think... "hmmm... I don't love you anymore"
NO - you fall out of love just like you fall IN love... a series of choices.  A series of events that place your significant other back in the pile with everyone else.  They are no longer your priority.  Their happiness is no longer your concern.  You didn't just trip and fall OUT of love, you made choices!  To cheat, to stray, to put someone else FIRST... to put your self first... you made choices!

Does that mean you never really loved at all?  You pretended from day one that you wanted this.  You pretended to be something your not or committed to something that you ... well...  you never really intended to commit to?  It's too hard.  It's too self-less...


In the end - does it really even matter?

Some of us fall OUT of love because of our own choices, and some of us HAVE to fall OUT because of others choices...

Either way - I do believe it is possible.
And it doesn't mean that love was never there.
It doesn't mean the journey wasn't started.
Just that for one or both, the choice was made that the journey wasn't worth continuing.

Broken promises and broken commitments.  They happen every day all around us.
Usually instigated by self serving, self gratifying, self motivating choices.

Don't be taken by empty promises and false pretenses.  Stand pure and wait for what God has in store for you and trust Him from there.
And know this... scars may remain from a love that you lost, but God will heal them and they will serve as reminders of what NOT to settle for next time.

Ephesians 5 : 6-7

⁶ Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. ⁷ Therefore do not be partners with them.

Song for the day!!!!  Peter Bradley Adams - The Longer I RunListen to the lyrics  (or read them below?)

When that blood runs warm with the warm red wine
I miss the life that I left behind
And when I hear the sound of the blackbird's cry
I know I left in the nick of time

Well this road I'm on's gonna turn to sand
And leave me lost in a far-off land
So let me ride the wind 'till I don't look back
And forget the life that I almost had

If I wander 'till I die
May I know whose hand I'm in
And if my home I'll never find
Then let me live again

The longer I run then the less that I find
Selling my soul for a nickel and dime
Breaking my heart to keep singing these rhymes
And losing again  (repeat)

Tell my brother please not to look for me
I ain't the man that I used to be
But if my saviour comes could you let him know
I've gone away for to save my soul

(Chorus repeat)

Paralyzed

DEFINED :  to bring to a condition of helpless stoppage, inactivity, or inability to act

EXAMPLE :  ME

Today was the day.  The FINAL day.  The day of enlightenment for me.

The day all hope was killed.

He delivered signed Divorce papers to me last night.  Cold.  With no words.  No emotion.  Oblivious... 

all that was left was for me to sign and deliver to the attorney's office....

Time for me to ultimately close this chapter.... the chapter I never thought I would have to close.

But there they were - nonetheless - the papers... his signature on Divorce papers.. 

laying lifeless on the table.

Staring at me.

Mocking me.

Laughing at me.

Taunting me...

The very thing I never wanted.  The very thing I don't believe in.  The very thing I have literally fought tooth and nail to avoid, for.. well... quite some time now... long enough to watch too many bricks fall, and WAY too many bricks be thrown in my face.  Long enough that anyone else in my shoes would have been broken and walked away long ago.  But not me though.  The fighter.  The lover.  The girl that lives on passion.  Not the girl that believed in love.  Not the girl that believed in the man that I somehow thought broke down those protective walls I had built.  Not this man.  Not this man who LOVED me.

LOVE

DEFINED:  an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment.  In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection.

EXAMPLE:   what I THOUGHT my marriage entailed.

So I sat... paralyzed.  Not sure what to do.  Not sure how to move.  Not even sure WHAT my move should be.  So I just sat paralyzed... and stared at my life once again going down a road I never expected.   And the worst part is... I fought so hard against it and loved so deep and gave so much.   Yet here we are.  And there I sat... for hours... just wondering, reliving, WONDERING how it ever went so terribly wrong.

Paralyzed.

until finally sleep overtook me... where my dreams were also paralyzed.

Numb.

So today - I woke up, determined that a move had to be made.

Do I sit hoping... wishing... begging for change and love in return for my entire heart that had been given.

I just couldn't fathom that THIS.... THIS ROAD was the road God put me on to just dead end.

So I sent one final plea....

a text

that simply said "Are you sure this is what you want?"

To which I was lovingly greeted with....... "I'm sure."

Affection?  no 

Personal attachment?  no

Kindness:  no

Compassion?  no

Was it ever really LOVE?

And that was it.   Now I wasn't physically paralyzed; I knew where this had to go... 

but my heart was.  

I think it stopped for what seemed like an eternity.  And I grasped the fact that...... the love I gave and opened my heart to receive is gone.  Or was it never there?

Did I fool myself into believing that he ever really loved me?

I was so guarded.  And so careful.  And sooo... cautious

and my knight on a white horse slaughtered me.

Such is life I guess.

So I jump started my heart again and reminded myself that we all make choices.  Every day.  

EVERY DAY IN GRAY

Every day we are faced with gray; and you must choose....

right from wrong.  

Good from evil.  

Black from white.

What's important and what's not.

I have no control over anyone's choices but my own.

His choice has been made.

And in that second, so was mine.

It is time to heal.

The first step is the hardest... 

but worth it.  

And while others may be scared to step and take a chance and trust that God will be right there....

I refuse to be scared.

I know no matter what - I have stood by my faith and love and done everything I vowed to do.

Someone else's choices are out of my control.

God will be with me every step of the way!

Find a place inside where's there joy and the joy will burn out the pain.  ~Joseph Campbell~

What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?

When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???

Hell in a Handbasket

I have sat for some time now, and watched my world come crashing down around me.  I saw it fall, brick by brick, day after day.  And I fought so hard to keep picking them up and putting them back, and throw some paste on hoping eventually they would stick.  All the while with a big smile on my face thinking... it's gonna get better.  But alas, I watched and felt my heart absolutely break into pieces.  Not just because the man I love turned his back on me, but mostly because a man I admired and looked up to, has lost his perspective.  Lost his place.  Lost his priorities.  And heaven help me for offending anyone, but no longer sees the line between right and wrong in God's eyes.

I sat on facebook tonight and read post after post after post of people talking of troubled times and pain and heartache in their lives.  And it breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart because all around me, people have lost hope and faith and perspective in life.  People fold to what the world says and what the world thinks, and they constantly try to "out-do" someone or "beat" someone.... or "one up" someone... as if they have something to PROVE!
Here's my question........ what are you trying to prove?  and to WHOM?  Really?!  In the big scheme of things, sure we all want to be happy, but at what cost?  Stepping on everyone around you in order to prove yourself ?worthy??  of what??

I am by no means perfect, nor will I ever claim to be.  But I do my best to uphold my beliefs and live right by God.  HE is the only one I have to answer to ultimately.  So going through a divorce, YES, my heart is absolutely broken.  Not just because I have lost the man I love, but because I feel wrong in God's eyes.  I don't believe in divorce.  I didn't CHOOSE this.  I didn't wake up one day and decide I just don't want to be married anymore.  But apparently, in the world today, divorce is a dime a dozen.  People go into marriage carelessly and thoughtlessly with the frame of mind that if they decide it's not working, they can just get a divorce and walk away.  I don't get that.   And I especially don't get that from people who are raised to believe in the holy sanctity of marriage.

Now - don't get me wrong.  There are circumstances when divorce is completely out of your hands.  Infidelity, disrespect, abuse.... circumstances that weren't present before marriage, that come later.  Some people are forced to walk away in order to protect their own integrity in God.  God didn't intend marriage to ever be an institution to trap someone in an environment of degradation or any form of misrepresenting Him.  Marriage is sacred.  And when one doesn't treat it that way, I don't feel like you are judged for being divorced.  God knows the true story.

And I'm not just talking about my story, I'm talking about people making decisions and putting things in their lives above God.  Things that become your focus and your god.
Past mistakes they are trying to somehow redeem themselves from...
children that you want a better life for....
Decisions made selfishly to better yourself, rather than glorify God...
things that we know in our hearts are wrong, yet we focus so much on fixing things ourselves and focusing on what WE can do and how WE can fix things and how WE can make things better.

Here's an idea....
how about this....... be thankful for what God has given you and where God has brought you to rather than focusing on what you've lost.  There's a reason it's not still there.
how about this.....  before you make a decision, pray about it and ask God to guide your decision rather than thinking YOU can fix everything yourself.
how about this.... attend a church service now and then where the preacher TELLS you when your wrong, not just someone who pats you on the back and tells you everyone sins and it's ok.
how about this...... try to live MORE like a Christian and less like the world.
how about this - LIVE to be an example and GOOD influence on your friends - STAND OUT.
Stop surrounding yourself with people who just want to have a good time, but surround yourself instead with people who tell you when your wrong and you do likewise with them.

No I'm not on my soapbox.  I just look around and see everyone breaking up and fighting and divorcing and no one seems to care anymore.  Hurt and pain just seem to be the every day norm and no one cares anymore.

Hell in a handbasket - everyone just jump on it.
or STAND OUT!!!!!!!!

And when people make fun of you or don't understand you... remember this - GOD has a purpose for you and a plan for you.  And those most like him may be most persecuted, but guess what, you also have the ability to make the most impression on people around you.  Embrace that... you are chosen!

My heart is broken - but I KNOW I am blessed and I know God has a plan and purpose for my life.
In that my friends, I find solace.

FACES

God has given you one face and you make yourself another - Shakespeare

Behind my smile is a broken heart,
behind my laugh, I'm falling apart
Look closely at me, and you will see
the girl I am, is the girl I am not.

The battle between these two
who I am and who I pretend to be
Slowly creeps in, and before I know it,
I have become the one, God never intended me to be.

Holding on to a past, holding onto a heart
that never was mine, not even a part.
Holding on to beliefs and values and truth,
but it can't be done when you refuse to see.

That behind my smile is a broken heart,
behind my laugh, I'm falling apart
Look closely at me, and you will no longer see
the boy that you are, but who you pretend to be.

Now I look at your faded smile
through my broken heart
And know that the face that God gave you
is forever hidden in the dark.