Paralyzed

DEFINED :  to bring to a condition of helpless stoppage, inactivity, or inability to act

EXAMPLE :  ME

Today was the day.  The FINAL day.  The day of enlightenment for me.

The day all hope was killed.

He delivered signed Divorce papers to me last night.  Cold.  With no words.  No emotion.  Oblivious... 

all that was left was for me to sign and deliver to the attorney's office....

Time for me to ultimately close this chapter.... the chapter I never thought I would have to close.

But there they were - nonetheless - the papers... his signature on Divorce papers.. 

laying lifeless on the table.

Staring at me.

Mocking me.

Laughing at me.

Taunting me...

The very thing I never wanted.  The very thing I don't believe in.  The very thing I have literally fought tooth and nail to avoid, for.. well... quite some time now... long enough to watch too many bricks fall, and WAY too many bricks be thrown in my face.  Long enough that anyone else in my shoes would have been broken and walked away long ago.  But not me though.  The fighter.  The lover.  The girl that lives on passion.  Not the girl that believed in love.  Not the girl that believed in the man that I somehow thought broke down those protective walls I had built.  Not this man.  Not this man who LOVED me.

LOVE

DEFINED:  an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment.  In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection.

EXAMPLE:   what I THOUGHT my marriage entailed.

So I sat... paralyzed.  Not sure what to do.  Not sure how to move.  Not even sure WHAT my move should be.  So I just sat paralyzed... and stared at my life once again going down a road I never expected.   And the worst part is... I fought so hard against it and loved so deep and gave so much.   Yet here we are.  And there I sat... for hours... just wondering, reliving, WONDERING how it ever went so terribly wrong.

Paralyzed.

until finally sleep overtook me... where my dreams were also paralyzed.

Numb.

So today - I woke up, determined that a move had to be made.

Do I sit hoping... wishing... begging for change and love in return for my entire heart that had been given.

I just couldn't fathom that THIS.... THIS ROAD was the road God put me on to just dead end.

So I sent one final plea....

a text

that simply said "Are you sure this is what you want?"

To which I was lovingly greeted with....... "I'm sure."

Affection?  no 

Personal attachment?  no

Kindness:  no

Compassion?  no

Was it ever really LOVE?

And that was it.   Now I wasn't physically paralyzed; I knew where this had to go... 

but my heart was.  

I think it stopped for what seemed like an eternity.  And I grasped the fact that...... the love I gave and opened my heart to receive is gone.  Or was it never there?

Did I fool myself into believing that he ever really loved me?

I was so guarded.  And so careful.  And sooo... cautious

and my knight on a white horse slaughtered me.

Such is life I guess.

So I jump started my heart again and reminded myself that we all make choices.  Every day.  

EVERY DAY IN GRAY

Every day we are faced with gray; and you must choose....

right from wrong.  

Good from evil.  

Black from white.

What's important and what's not.

I have no control over anyone's choices but my own.

His choice has been made.

And in that second, so was mine.

It is time to heal.

The first step is the hardest... 

but worth it.  

And while others may be scared to step and take a chance and trust that God will be right there....

I refuse to be scared.

I know no matter what - I have stood by my faith and love and done everything I vowed to do.

Someone else's choices are out of my control.

God will be with me every step of the way!

Find a place inside where's there joy and the joy will burn out the pain.  ~Joseph Campbell~

What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?

When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???

Hell in a Handbasket

I have sat for some time now, and watched my world come crashing down around me.  I saw it fall, brick by brick, day after day.  And I fought so hard to keep picking them up and putting them back, and throw some paste on hoping eventually they would stick.  All the while with a big smile on my face thinking... it's gonna get better.  But alas, I watched and felt my heart absolutely break into pieces.  Not just because the man I love turned his back on me, but mostly because a man I admired and looked up to, has lost his perspective.  Lost his place.  Lost his priorities.  And heaven help me for offending anyone, but no longer sees the line between right and wrong in God's eyes.

I sat on facebook tonight and read post after post after post of people talking of troubled times and pain and heartache in their lives.  And it breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart because all around me, people have lost hope and faith and perspective in life.  People fold to what the world says and what the world thinks, and they constantly try to "out-do" someone or "beat" someone.... or "one up" someone... as if they have something to PROVE!
Here's my question........ what are you trying to prove?  and to WHOM?  Really?!  In the big scheme of things, sure we all want to be happy, but at what cost?  Stepping on everyone around you in order to prove yourself ?worthy??  of what??

I am by no means perfect, nor will I ever claim to be.  But I do my best to uphold my beliefs and live right by God.  HE is the only one I have to answer to ultimately.  So going through a divorce, YES, my heart is absolutely broken.  Not just because I have lost the man I love, but because I feel wrong in God's eyes.  I don't believe in divorce.  I didn't CHOOSE this.  I didn't wake up one day and decide I just don't want to be married anymore.  But apparently, in the world today, divorce is a dime a dozen.  People go into marriage carelessly and thoughtlessly with the frame of mind that if they decide it's not working, they can just get a divorce and walk away.  I don't get that.   And I especially don't get that from people who are raised to believe in the holy sanctity of marriage.

Now - don't get me wrong.  There are circumstances when divorce is completely out of your hands.  Infidelity, disrespect, abuse.... circumstances that weren't present before marriage, that come later.  Some people are forced to walk away in order to protect their own integrity in God.  God didn't intend marriage to ever be an institution to trap someone in an environment of degradation or any form of misrepresenting Him.  Marriage is sacred.  And when one doesn't treat it that way, I don't feel like you are judged for being divorced.  God knows the true story.

And I'm not just talking about my story, I'm talking about people making decisions and putting things in their lives above God.  Things that become your focus and your god.
Past mistakes they are trying to somehow redeem themselves from...
children that you want a better life for....
Decisions made selfishly to better yourself, rather than glorify God...
things that we know in our hearts are wrong, yet we focus so much on fixing things ourselves and focusing on what WE can do and how WE can fix things and how WE can make things better.

Here's an idea....
how about this....... be thankful for what God has given you and where God has brought you to rather than focusing on what you've lost.  There's a reason it's not still there.
how about this.....  before you make a decision, pray about it and ask God to guide your decision rather than thinking YOU can fix everything yourself.
how about this.... attend a church service now and then where the preacher TELLS you when your wrong, not just someone who pats you on the back and tells you everyone sins and it's ok.
how about this...... try to live MORE like a Christian and less like the world.
how about this - LIVE to be an example and GOOD influence on your friends - STAND OUT.
Stop surrounding yourself with people who just want to have a good time, but surround yourself instead with people who tell you when your wrong and you do likewise with them.

No I'm not on my soapbox.  I just look around and see everyone breaking up and fighting and divorcing and no one seems to care anymore.  Hurt and pain just seem to be the every day norm and no one cares anymore.

Hell in a handbasket - everyone just jump on it.
or STAND OUT!!!!!!!!

And when people make fun of you or don't understand you... remember this - GOD has a purpose for you and a plan for you.  And those most like him may be most persecuted, but guess what, you also have the ability to make the most impression on people around you.  Embrace that... you are chosen!

My heart is broken - but I KNOW I am blessed and I know God has a plan and purpose for my life.
In that my friends, I find solace.

When the hurt becomes a memory

You know how I'll know when I'm healing?
.... when the hurt becomes a memory.

There are days when I am walking along, not thinking about anything
and out of nowhere it hits me.
That gut wrenching, heart stopping pain
shot straight through my soul.
And there is no stopping it.
The tears just flow.

There are days I talk & talk till I'm blue in the face
and I'm mad and confused and just plain sick
And then there it is again...
That earth shocking,  indignant pain
shot straight through my soul.
And there is no stopping it.
The rage just flows.

There are nights when I toss and turn, and sleep can't be found
and I'm lonely, lost and defeated and nowhere to be found.
But there it is again
That aching disappointment and loathing despair
shot straight through my soul.
And there is no stopping it
The contempt just flows.

There are entire days and nights when I pray and I beg
full of  faith hope and dreams and only "what if"
But there it is once again
That impairing reality and crushing defeat
shot straight through my soul.
And there is no stopping it
The revulsion just flows.

But one day soon I know
there will be days and nights followed by weeks and months
that are not full of impairing contempt and not full of pain
But instead full of a life, of accomplishments and love
and that hurt will no doubt turn into a memory instead
that shoots straight though my soul.
And there will be no stopping it
When the happiness and joy once again begin to flow

How do I know I'm healing?
.... because I have hope - that the hurt will soon enough be just an old memory

the heart is a mystery...

My momma tells me I'm too open - she says I share too much.  Now granted - there are some things that I WON'T share.  Some things that hurt TOO bad.  Some things that would completely blow you away.... and those things...  Well - they aren't for blogs.  They may be used in person when a friend is in need.... but they aren't for blogs.

I do have a little tiny filter!  ha ha

However, for the most part, I say that sharing life experience is how we teach each other.

My most recent blog may have well been one more example of that.

I read over and over it and to me, there is nothing offensive contained.  It's truth.  It's how I feel.  It's raw emotion.

Yes, I can see that it might be taken personal.   Yes, I can see that it might hurt to see in writing - how do you think it felt to TYPE it and LIVE it?!

If the shoe doesn't fit people - don't wear it.   And if your ashamed of your actions, don't do them!  That's kindergarden knowledge!

So anyway - I try very hard to write and re-read with friends and family in mind.  So as not to offend or expose OR make anyone think I think any less of them.  I don't.  Of anyone....

Sure sometimes I'm sad.  And sometimes I'm angry.  YES - angry.  But I release steam here and I move on.  My emotions never change my true feelings... they just keep them in check!  ;-)   

And remember this - when I blow steam, it means I am probably making an effort to pray more for you than myself - but how does that hurt?  There are lots of people out there that have hurt,offended or stepped on me or someone I love.  I hate none of them.  That's just not how I'm made.  It's not what I believe in.  I pray for them.  I don't pray because I pity them.  I pray because when you walk through life with not a care for any one but yourself, I pray that God might show you that life with him in His will, not shutting everyone who loves you out - is so much easier.

I can lay my head down at night and rest easy for I know that as long as I'm living in God's will and going where He leads me, the rest is not on me.

So - while I may say things that people judge or take resentment to - all I can say is I'm sorry for that.   Because at the same time.... I'm receiving emails from people saying "Thank you for saying what you said" and "I so needed to read this today".  And for that reason - I know God gives me the love and heart and words that he gives me to share with those I know personally and those I know through blogging and sometimes, even with those whom I don't even know.

And the beauty in that is - when you touch people through words, and you give God control of your life and stop trying to run everything the way YOU believe it should be run, and you love and trust and believe - guess what?!!  God sends people to YOU with the words that YOU need to hear!

So am I too open?  Do I share too much?  Do I expect too much?

NOPE

I'm just as open and honest and caring and loving as God made me.   And trust me when I say, what you live and give - is also what you will receive!

I AM blessed in so many ways.

I can POUR my heart out in an instant to help someone else.  And God always sends me someone to pour theirs out right back.

And he has FILLED my life with loving caring family and friends.

I am BLESSED

Back in time...

My favorite thing about having a blog is going back and reading old posts!!!
MAN I'm a fricking genius!  ha ha
Seriously though...
sometimes they make me laugh..
sometimes they make me cry...
sometimes they inspire me all over again!!

But I think the thing I enjoy the most is going back in time and actually FEELING what I felt when I wrote.

I may be sad today - but I can go back and read my love story all over again.  As often as I want.  Any time I want.  And even though that story may have ended, it doesn't make the story any less magic  :(
And I love that there are songs attached to most.  Music moves me.  And I can play those songs and it takes me back to the days on the couch when we did nothing but talk and listen and fall in love.  And some days I can take that and it PUSHES me through just one more day, but some days I can take that and it literally HURTS to the very core of my soul.

In another moment, I can flip through and read a post that reminds me of WHO I am and WHAT I stand for... and what I deserve in life.  Sometimes that makes me wonder how things went so wrong.  And sometimes it makes me wonder how they were ever right!!

But whatever path or emotion I choose, I can flip to another just to be reminded that God had a plan for me 3 years ago when I started this blog.  He had a plan for me when I met every single person I have met in the past 3 years of blogging.  He STILL today has a plan for me.  And I thank God he gave me the ability to put that on paper and share it with others... because .... well - some days I just need to read it.   And ironically enough... when I wrote it, when he gave me the words and the ability - someone out there needed to read it too!

Today - I found an old blog I had posted in response to another blog regarding my religious beliefs. Hello... God... are you there? It's a GREAT one!  :)   And I found this person's email and I emailed her back to follow up with her on things.  And OH how I hope I hear back.  But in that moment of reading that blog, I wondered.... how many people read that and dear God if there is one person that it touched, my purpose is complete!  And that my friends makes EVERYTHING all worth it.

So when I take some time, and travel back in time.... yeah, I may cry and I may hurt, but at the same time, it gives me hope and restores my faith in my God.  God can do anything.  And there is a plan bigger than us all.  No question about that!

Leaving you with this...
One of my favorites.... sorry to say it's one that is attached to a little sad memory... great song nonetheless.  And sad or not - in some weird way - it makes me smile.

"Faith hope and love abide, but the greatest of these is love"

The Ride

There were times when the ride was smooth.
There were times when I closed my eyes and climbed a few small hills.
And sometimes I held my breath and threw my hands up and climbed monstrous mountains
There were times when it was fun and there was nowhere else I'd rather be.
But there were times I was plummeting to the ground and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
There were times when I was twisted and confused and didn't know up from down anymore.
There were definitely times when I just wanted to get off that roller coaster.
But I chose it. I PICKED IT!   I waited like a kid in a candy shop to get on that ride.  I waited and hand picked which ride to take.  And in the end.... it threw me off.

But that's life.

Times of laughter.
Times of tears.
Times with goals and times with fears.
A roller coaster.
A roller coaster of feelings
A roller coaster of emotions
A roller coaster of plans
A roller coaster of expectations
It's life.  A roller coaster.  It's how we all live.

But now that portion of the ride has ended.  And I got off just to get on another ride.  I know life is almost always a roller coaster - but it's different now.  It's just me again.   It's on me.  Whether I'm upside down or floating smoothly along.  I don't even know where it's going anymore.  Every morning when I wake up now, I have to make a choice.  I know that this is MY journey now... no longer "ours".  No one is sitting beside me holding my hand.   But no one is pushing me down either.  So I will wake up every day and hop in my seat and whatever life hands me that day, I will try my best to enjoy this ride and not wish to be back on that STUPID coaster that just broke me.
An emotional roller coaster - that is what I'm on.
So please pardon me as I cry my eyes out one day, and the next rip someone to shreds!

~Motivational Monday~ calling all my prayer warriors!

Happy Monday to all....

I've thought and thought and thought about how to approach this topic without offending or violating anyone... so here goes - I'm gonna try my best.

Some of you read my blog on blogger... some of you are personal friends... some of you follow via Facebook.  Some of you have followed since.... well - the beginning of my blog.. Some have followed since the beginning of me and Preacher T's story... you read THIS (part 1) and THIS (part 2) and THIS (part 3)... (I could go on and on with the story..cuz I've done LOTS of reading.. and re-reading.. and re-reading tonight of the old blogs...but you know it all - and I'm driving myself CRAZY!!)

If you know me personally or have seen on facebook, you know T and I have broken up.  {Insert BIG HUGE pouty face!}  It wasn't an ugly thing, there was not a big fight or violation of trust or cheating or anything done wrong on either part.  The last thing I want is for this to come off angry or bitter... because I'm not.  Disappointed, hurt and sad.. of course, but not mad.

The thing is...T has some things that he's dealing with... and they are things best left to him to handle.  (and not my load to share) Trying to do that, find himself and get on a path where he knows God is leading is hard for anyone.

So - I'm back to HERE (the single girl again).  Just me.  Again on my own... me and my big ol' broken heart....

And I guess I'm ok with that.  As ok as I can be.

Taking life one day at a time... one step at a time... 

So I leave you with this......  PLEASE keep me in your prayers.  Starting over from being at a point where I thought God had it all worked out is hard.  Moving on and letting go of someone that I still love with all my heart - and sadly know he loves me just the same is even HARDER.  I know this is "motivational Monday" - but I guess today - I just need a little motivation sent back my way.....

I know God has a plan... and I know it's outta my hands.  Accepting that and facing each new day is harder some days than others.

Also - please keep T in your prayers too.  He needs them also.

I love you all... and you have no idea how much reading your blogs and the comments you leave and the support and prayers you send make my day... 

If I don't say it enough.....thank you to all my friends, all my loved ones, all my facebook followers and all my bloggy followers!  :-)

"To walk with Him on a path where we cannot see the end from the beginning requires total trust. He promises a light for our path, but that light does not shine past the current footprint."

I still believe and have faith that something BIG and GREAT will come from this all - I just don't know for who.. or WHAT it might be......   FAITH!  :-)

~I'll See You in My Dreams~

I had a dream last night that I got to hold you one more time
I could feel the warmth of your body nestled against mine
I could smell that smell that can only be described as “you”
There was no time, no clock, and no end
There were no words, no laughing or crying
Just us…. Just me and you.

As I lay there smiling, freed from life and escaped from reality
My entire world seemed to be right again
But in my non-existent time, you slowly began to fade away
And even though I reached for you, I could not feel you anymore
I opened my eyes and I was surrounded by clocks and life and sadness
And you were there no more.

Your smell still lingered and I could still feel your warmth
So I closed my eyes and lay there in silence, but not alone
Thinking of… Just us God……it’s just me and you.

Now when I sleep, I’m surrounded by His warmth, His comfort, His presence
And there is never a timeline or clock or beginning or end in sight
Because with God, there is a plan bigger than me and all things are possible
And I know in time, I will see you again.

{{I would like to dedicate this to Daffy who recently lost her sister, and two others locally, whom I won't mention by name, who ALL continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.}}

Sorry I missed POST -IT Tuesday - had a pretty emotional crazy weekend in soooo many ways.....and needed a release.  I'm still linking you back if you wanna check out the posties as Supah's!!

AND - if you missed my emotional religious sermon last week - please go visit and leave some input.... very interested to see what others have to say!

~Sharing Scars~

It's 2 AM, and I can't sleep

just frozen in my bed staring

out my cold dark window

holding my breath 

as each car passes by

softly praying he'll come back

Be open he says...

Talk to me he says...

Trust me he says...

But when the talking is done

and the wounds are open

and I have given all I can give

All I find is myself alone 

with nothing but the blood
being swallowed by the night

So much was said

So much unsaid

So much for sharing scars