Don't live your life in FEAR!

I have no fear

I KNOW no fear

I don't know how to be afraid.

I don't WANT to be afraid.

I don't know if it's because I'm naive (a little..)
or because I have been through so much already that nothing scares me anymore! (probably....)
OR because my Faith in God is bigger than ANY fear here on Earth!!!  (yes!)

After my most recent sky dive, someone asked me if I had any fear??  If there is ANYTHING that scares me???
....and it made me think.

I jumped from a plane - TWICE!
I have a weird "fear" of drowning - but I went snorkeling and loved it!
so....
No - no I really don't
(ok - wait - other than public speaking..... which is rather ironic since my degree has an emphasis in communication, so really... conquered that too!  kind of.....)

NO - I've never been held at gunpoint.  NO - I've never been beaten to a pulp.
NO - I've never experienced anything horrifying out of my control.
And in those cases.... I'm sure I would be scared.  More of the pain I think than fear for my life.

But as a general rule, I try to live life to the fullest.  Not thinking about what horrible horrible things could "potentially" happen.  I see the bright side.  I try to live and have fun and make the best out of what little time we are given here.
And be adventurous!

But I'm a mom - I should fear for my son....right??
But I don't.
I worry and pray.... and pray.... and pray....
but I don't FEAR in the way that I consider it to be a "fear"

It's not that I DON'T want to fear for my son.... but I guess I know the world can be cruel and tough, but I know that God instills into us all a faith and a resilience to know that he is bigger than anything else.   I've taught my son that.  And I hope I have instilled within my son a confidence of knowing that he has a mother and a family that will be behind him.   We love and support him - and knowing that he knows that, gives me a peace greater than any fear I could have for him.
So no - I don't FEAR for him..... I root him on.  I encourage him.  I fight for him.  I teach him right from wrong.  I teach him to treat others as you would want to be treated.
I worry when he drives.  I worry about his future.
And I pray.... A LOT.
But I don't fear - I trust that he is in God's hands.
And I know when he makes mistakes, they are to LEARN from - and GROW from.... not to be afraid and lay down and die and DEFINITELY not to turn around and make the same mistakes over and over again...
I teach him to be strong.
not fear!

As for me......
I live my life one day at a time.
I believe that God puts me where he puts me for a reason.
I believe he puts people into my life and takes them out of my life for a reason.
I believe that he has a plan for me.
I get up every day and do the best I can...

and if I jump from a plane... it's for fun.
Sure it's a bit scary when you back away and think too much about it.
So don't think about it.

But just the same as getting in a car every day....
just the same as taking a breath every day....
God has his hand on me.  And if he's ready for me to come home - I'll go home.   Out of plane, or asleep in my bed, or in a car accident on the Interstate.
He will take me no matter where I am
No matter what my plans.
And he will use it - to his Glory.

So no - I have no fear.
I believe just about anything is possible as long as God has his hand in it  :))

That gives me PEACE beyond all fear!

PS - I squatted my own body weight last night!!!  How many people (girls) do you know that can do THAT?!!
NO FEAR!!!!   hee hee

Hold on to FAITH...

What about the days when the best you can do is scrounge change from the couch cushions to buy your baby boy a 40 cent canned coke from a coke machine that you have to walk down the street to get to?

What about when you get in your car to head to work and the gauge is on E... and you pray the whole way that you make it... cause you literally don't have $1 for gas??  and then you pray for at least $10 in tips that day so you can get home?

What about the day you go in for work and are told you no longer have a job because the place is closing down??

What about the day you finally sit down and collapse realizing your life has become a joke.. Everything you had hoped and dreamed of is nothing but a puff a smoke blown away?

What about the day you have to take a cab to work.... but first you have to take the cab to daycare to drop off your child... because you no longer have a vehicle??

What about when you sit down to pay out your bills and you realize - your income vs your outflow just doesn't add up?

How about realizing your almost half way through life, you hate your job, you're alone... and basically heading no where... THIS is what your life has become??

What about ALL those nights you have cried yourself to sleep because no matter how HARD you try, no matter how many GOOD decisions you think you make, no matter how many TIMES you pray.... all you can do is look up to heaven and wonder....
"Dear Lord why have you forsaken me??"  
Or even worse, "God - are you even there???"

Have you been there?
Do you ever just wanna throw your hands up and just GIVE UP?
Do you know that heart breaking, gut wrenching pain??!!
I do.
I could go on and on with scenario after scenario.... of days when I thought I couldn't look for tomorrow.  Days when I felt that I had literally failed in life.  Days when I was ashamed that my child had ME to look up to... me, a failure to be his role model.  And even worse, those days when I thought there couldn't be a God and if there was - he sure didn't care about me!!!

But here's the good news.

HE IS THERE - and HE DOES CARE!!!!!!

And although I felt like I failed time and time again.... HE was right there beside me, crying with me.  Holding my hand.  Carrying me when I could no longer walk....
Watching me try... watching me fall and picking me up... watching make good decisions and watching me make bad ones.  But never judging and never forsaking me....

Do you know how I know this?

I know this because ALL those trials and rough times I went through... all those tears and heart aches... they ALL, every single one, brought me right where I am today.
And I have a new perspective.
You see - there were days when I didn't know how I would pay my bills.  There were many things I lost and many things I did without through those years....  I swallowed alot of pride.
BUT - I can look back now and know - even through all of that - God was taking care of me.
I worked hard, I gave everything I was capable of giving, I took care of my baby boy and made sure HE was always fed and clothed and most importantly LOVED.

And I see now - God was taking care of us both.

ALL of those paths I walked down... the twists, the turns, the backflips.... they all added up to where I am and WHO I am today.

And for that reason - I know my God is real.  I know he has sheltered and protected me from many things.  Even on those days when I thought it couldn't have gotten any worse, perspective shows me that YES - it could in fact be worse!!!

I kept my head up, kept praying and kept trusting that God had a plan bigger than me.
And from where I sit today - his plan was way more perfect than anything I could have done on my own!!

Ask me if there is a God
Ask me if he is real
Ask me HOW I, a single mother on my own at 19.... got through school, raised an awesome young man, bought my own house, paid off a vehicle and now go to work every day to a job I love surrounded by an awesome group of co-workers!!
And ask me about being loved and surrounded by the best family and friends and boyfriend that a girl could ask for......

Go ahead....... ASK ME!!!!!!

It may have taken years for me to fully understand it....
but
I.  Am.  BLESSED!

My God is good!

Hell in a Handbasket

I have sat for some time now, and watched my world come crashing down around me.  I saw it fall, brick by brick, day after day.  And I fought so hard to keep picking them up and putting them back, and throw some paste on hoping eventually they would stick.  All the while with a big smile on my face thinking... it's gonna get better.  But alas, I watched and felt my heart absolutely break into pieces.  Not just because the man I love turned his back on me, but mostly because a man I admired and looked up to, has lost his perspective.  Lost his place.  Lost his priorities.  And heaven help me for offending anyone, but no longer sees the line between right and wrong in God's eyes.

I sat on facebook tonight and read post after post after post of people talking of troubled times and pain and heartache in their lives.  And it breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart because all around me, people have lost hope and faith and perspective in life.  People fold to what the world says and what the world thinks, and they constantly try to "out-do" someone or "beat" someone.... or "one up" someone... as if they have something to PROVE!
Here's my question........ what are you trying to prove?  and to WHOM?  Really?!  In the big scheme of things, sure we all want to be happy, but at what cost?  Stepping on everyone around you in order to prove yourself ?worthy??  of what??

I am by no means perfect, nor will I ever claim to be.  But I do my best to uphold my beliefs and live right by God.  HE is the only one I have to answer to ultimately.  So going through a divorce, YES, my heart is absolutely broken.  Not just because I have lost the man I love, but because I feel wrong in God's eyes.  I don't believe in divorce.  I didn't CHOOSE this.  I didn't wake up one day and decide I just don't want to be married anymore.  But apparently, in the world today, divorce is a dime a dozen.  People go into marriage carelessly and thoughtlessly with the frame of mind that if they decide it's not working, they can just get a divorce and walk away.  I don't get that.   And I especially don't get that from people who are raised to believe in the holy sanctity of marriage.

Now - don't get me wrong.  There are circumstances when divorce is completely out of your hands.  Infidelity, disrespect, abuse.... circumstances that weren't present before marriage, that come later.  Some people are forced to walk away in order to protect their own integrity in God.  God didn't intend marriage to ever be an institution to trap someone in an environment of degradation or any form of misrepresenting Him.  Marriage is sacred.  And when one doesn't treat it that way, I don't feel like you are judged for being divorced.  God knows the true story.

And I'm not just talking about my story, I'm talking about people making decisions and putting things in their lives above God.  Things that become your focus and your god.
Past mistakes they are trying to somehow redeem themselves from...
children that you want a better life for....
Decisions made selfishly to better yourself, rather than glorify God...
things that we know in our hearts are wrong, yet we focus so much on fixing things ourselves and focusing on what WE can do and how WE can fix things and how WE can make things better.

Here's an idea....
how about this....... be thankful for what God has given you and where God has brought you to rather than focusing on what you've lost.  There's a reason it's not still there.
how about this.....  before you make a decision, pray about it and ask God to guide your decision rather than thinking YOU can fix everything yourself.
how about this.... attend a church service now and then where the preacher TELLS you when your wrong, not just someone who pats you on the back and tells you everyone sins and it's ok.
how about this...... try to live MORE like a Christian and less like the world.
how about this - LIVE to be an example and GOOD influence on your friends - STAND OUT.
Stop surrounding yourself with people who just want to have a good time, but surround yourself instead with people who tell you when your wrong and you do likewise with them.

No I'm not on my soapbox.  I just look around and see everyone breaking up and fighting and divorcing and no one seems to care anymore.  Hurt and pain just seem to be the every day norm and no one cares anymore.

Hell in a handbasket - everyone just jump on it.
or STAND OUT!!!!!!!!

And when people make fun of you or don't understand you... remember this - GOD has a purpose for you and a plan for you.  And those most like him may be most persecuted, but guess what, you also have the ability to make the most impression on people around you.  Embrace that... you are chosen!

My heart is broken - but I KNOW I am blessed and I know God has a plan and purpose for my life.
In that my friends, I find solace.

sometimes... life gets a bit complicated

I could give you a play by play of every minute... of every day... of my life... and if I did - you would be like "WHAT?!!!"  "How?!!"  "say that AGAIN!!!!"

So - even after what I'm about to tell you... don't worry.  I'm ok with life being complicated.  Wanna know why?  because complication is only in the eye of the beholder  ;-)
and my eye tries to avoid it!  ha ha

I believe in taking life ONE day at a time, one STEP at a time.
I believe in faith.
I believe in LOVE.
I believe in prayer.
I believe in a God that I KNOW takes care of me.
I believe that no matter how complicated and crazy my life might appear to others on the outside...
if you KNOW me....
You know that I don't get caught up in all the craziness.  (well ok - sometimes I do... but just for a minute! LOL)
I put my life in God's hands and when things happen - I just don't question anymore.....
I believe in GOD's PLAN - not my own!
(I recently wrote this "God's plan - not ur own!" on my dresser mirror and bathroom mirror - and my FIFTEEN YEAR OLD SON saw it and told me that he now prays for that every night.  THAT is what I believe in!)

oh SURE - I have some good ol' fashioned "men/life/job bashing" sessions with my girls....
it's what we do....
we're women for goodness sake  ;-)
it's how we release all the stress   (cuz the men sure don't understand - ha ha)

But - in reality - I KNOW that God has a plan and HIS timing is always the best.
he brings you people
he brings you turmoil
he brings you joy
..... he brings you LIFE.
all according to a plan that we couldn't comprehend if we knew the whole story.........

So - after saying all that
I want you all to know that T and I are working through things.
He has worked and continues to work on things in his life, while I continue to work on things in mine.
But at the same time, we are back on the same path and hopefully working together as a team this go 'round.

(and just to show you how EVERYTHING you do effects your children.... I had told Z about T and I breaking up....and when I told him we are working things out - he said "you wanna know how I knew you were gonna say that?  Cuz I've been praying for ya'll."  Prayer... and FAITH!!!!!  I mean HELLLLOOOO parents out there - how freaking AWESOME is it that my TEENAGE BOY said to me - "I've been praying for you all" and believed in it ....  not a PRICE in the world you could put on that!!!!!!!!!!)  just sayin..

I want to say a big huge THANK YOU for all the prayers......for all the thoughts.... for all the sweet sweet comments you have sent my way.

Life is good.
things seem to be falling into place.....
one day at a time  :)

Keep prayin for us as I continue to remember each of you in my prayers too  :)
specifically by name if I have told you I'm praying for you...
and otherwise, I pray for all my bloggy and FB buddies  :)

*another good quote from a sweet friend*

"if the mountain was smooth, we wouldn't be able to climb it"

Sooooo True!!!!!

MUCH LOVE
hope everyone is having a fantastic week!!!

~ I hope you find your perspective ~ I had lost mine ~

Finding my perspective in life sometimes poses a big challenge for me.
I don't know what has been up with me lately, but I seem to have fallen into some sort of pit that I could NOT climb out of.  And the worst part is once I was there and comfy... I proceeded to pull in any negative attitude I could find and roll around with all my past mistakes and current issues in my life.  Me and my bad attitude and serious serious pity party.... yeah - we bonded down there.
BUT - like I have said a million times, God will never give you more than you can handle and when you think you have hit rock bottom and things just can't get any worse, they will.....just to remind you when you hit rock bottom -JUST to REMIND you God is in control.


Last night was a rock bottom for me.......
I have been down and out and struggling with some personal issues for some time.  But last night my poor brother made a comment to me that normally would have just rolled right off my back.  But last night, it couldn't.  After days and days of building my arsenal all around me...and after a million small things that I had mounded up... I needed just one more tiny event for it to all crumble around.  And crumble it did.
I won't go into the details of what's going on with me, (or the heap of a mess of tears that I turned into) but I will tell you that I can't recall many times in my life when I have felt so insignificant or small or alone.
Well OF COURSE I felt alone, I have been so busy digging my own personal pit that I had pushed everyone else away....outta MY pit.
My mother reminded me last night....it's times like these, when we are at our lowest that we need our family and friends the most.  And as always......she is SO right.  I was IN NEED on this night.  Of prayer, of love, of companionship, and most of all - of GOD.  (cause I pushed him outta my pit too!)

My family was there as always... to pick up my pieces and tell me that everything is gonna be alright.
One of my best friends was there....to listen to me whine and cry and tell me everything is gonna be alright.
I want to thank God for my family and for all the people that God has put in my life - they were there to remind me WHO to turn to.
Just like always.... when WE fail, God always provides a means to know HE is still in control if only we will stop fighting against him and just let HIM call the shots.  His plan is always so much better than our own anyway - WHY do I fight so hard to do everything MY way?  WHY?!

Today - God cursed blessed me with a lovely little migraine to keep my butt in bed.  The even better part is with a migraine - you can't stand any noise, AND you can't sleep.  So I spent A LOT of time laying in my bed today awake...in silence... thinking... praying... confessing....crying.
And then after a big talk with my Preacher T, I realized that words are only WORDS until you bring them to life.
& the only way to do that is.....FAITH.
Where was my faith?
But even more importantly........where is my faith NOW?!!!

I was so busy focusing on all the things gone "wrong" in my life... and not just the things gone wrong - but the things that weren't working themselves out in MY TIME, that I didn't trust that God has a plan.  So I took them all back AGAIN and thought I could fix them myself.
Tammy Tammy Tammy.... when will you learn??????

So now, as I sit here typing typing away.... I'm sharing with you - everyone out there.......I handed all this crap over to God.  All the worry, all the fret, all the feelings of insignificance and all the tears.
I can't promise you that I will NEVER cry again....but I can promise you this - with the reigns in God's hands, there will be no tears over being a failure.  God doesn't create failures.

I will trust that the people in my life are here for reason.
I will trust that when I need them - there they shall be.  Not to save me because I'm a failure, but to help me because God sent them.
At the same time, I promise to be the same for them.

So at church last night, the choir did a special....I looked this song up because it really hit home with me.  I am BEGGING you to please take the time to listen........I mean REALLY listen.  Go somewhere quiet and sit alone and really listen to the words to this song......
Especially from the perspective of a mother... can you imagine the faith Mary HAD TO HAVE??!!

How could a night be so long......but THEN CAME THE MORNING.

Tonight I go to bed with that on my mind.... after a long sorrowful self inflicted torturous night, I will go to bed knowing......there WILL be the morning.

a change is gonna come..

Time marches on....
things change...
people grow and change...
people that have meant the world to you - change and move on and your left standing in the dust wondering where they went and what happened.
It's just life.
Sometimes I find myself sitting around wondering WHY?!
why do things have to change?
why do people that mean so much and have affected you in so many ways, disappear?
Why?!
I know why.
I understand why.
It IS just life.
People come in and out and they leave footprints in our lives.
They shape us.
They challenge us.
They change us.
and when their time is done, life moves on and we are better for having known and spent time with them.

But some days, I just want to stomp my foot and demand that the hands of time turn back and take me back to a time when things were simple.  To a time that I thought would last forever.  To a time that I thought would never change.......
No - they weren't really simpler times, but it's funny how when life moves on and things have changed, you look BACK at times like that and NOW they seem easy... they seem simple.  You know NOW that things dont' last forever, but when your in the moment... it just seems like they will.

And although - I can look back at some things and it brings a tear to my eye and I wonder why things have to change, at the same time - I CRAVE change.
I'm an Aries - what else can I say?!  I crave change.  I crave growth.  I crave new things and new experiences and I guess I crave a life that proves we are moving forward and changing and growing.  I crave that.  I want that.  Something new.  Something to challenge me.  Something to FORCE me to grow.

So when I look back and am sad because things have changed, people have changed, time has marched on - I look up and give thanks for that.  Because without change, without experience, without the challenge that life gives us every day - we would never grow and we might never meet the new people that have shown up to shape us even more.
When I get like this.... when I get all antsy and anxious and craving something new, some change, some new challenge - this is the time that I know God is working on me.

When you look around and you see change and growth all around you - you KNOW he is working. You KNOW there is a plan and there is no feeling like it in the world.

THIS is the time when I KNOW he is reminding me...showing me... CHALLENGING me to remember - that I have to put all my trust and faith in Him...