Let the Son shine through

Even out of ruins, God always shows me light  :)
the silver lining if you will........

My last post was very hard.  That day was VERY hard.
BUT such is life.
We all have good days and bad days and days that are just a little harder to get through than others.
I am not special in that.
I guess the difference is, I don't hold in my emotions.  I don't hold in my feelings.
I may speak them, I may scream them, but most of all - I type them.... I SHARE them!!!
Someone told me once that our emotional selves are like refrigerators.  You have to clean your refrigerator out every now and then or you end up with a whole bunch of nasty spoiled and rotten food in there.  Well our emotional well being is the same way.  All of those feelings and emotions that you hold in.... if left sitting, they get stale and yucky and guess where that shows up... in your attitude.  You turn into a cold, bitter reflection of your true self.  You walk around so busy hiding your nastiness inside, that no one really sees the real true you.  You become that.... just an image.  Just a photocopy.  People see you... but they only see what you show them, what you WANT them to see, you know those "pictures" you hang on the outside of your refrigerator...  and then if God forbid, someone opens the door and gets a glimpse of what's inside - it's life threatening to your emotional well being.  So you slam the door and run away and hide.

I understand that some people are private.  Some people choose not to share.  Some people don't WANT people to see or know the real them because maybe it might mean that they have to see themselves where they truly stand too.  And ... well... I guess it's easier to just close the refrigerator door and hang pictures on the outside and pretend that all is well.

I am "what you see is what you get"
Do I share too much?  That has always been the question....

I get my answer almost every time I blog.
God did give me a gift.  And I choose to use it to His benefit, not my own.
And when I go down a dark and winding road and I come out at the end, sure, sometimes I look back and think WHY LORD.... WHY???
but only for a second....
He always answers.

My last post was very personal.
And I received several VERY personal emails yesterday from people who will remain anonymous that read my post and shared how much it helped them.  One with a past experience similar to what I'm going through and one who is going through it now.  And ironically, someone also who struggles in their beliefs and what I wrote yesterday really touched her too.   Not necessarily the divorce part, but the FAITH in God that I shared.  And I try to share in every post I share.

So when asked why I blog and why I share so much, my answer is two-fold.   First of all, it's my version of cleaning out my refrigerator.  I'm a very openly emotional, feeling and spiritual person.  And as I type, God speaks to me and THROUGH me.   And secondly, I do believe that there are people out there that struggle with things every day.  And if one little ounce of hope or God and what he has done in my life can be shared to help someone else, well.... I KNOW that God is working through me.  And when I know that - I know that no matter what is going on around me and no matter what walls are falling down, I know that God has a plan bigger than me.   Even out of ruin, God shines light.
For THAT I am thankful.

Back in time...

My favorite thing about having a blog is going back and reading old posts!!!
MAN I'm a fricking genius!  ha ha
Seriously though...
sometimes they make me laugh..
sometimes they make me cry...
sometimes they inspire me all over again!!

But I think the thing I enjoy the most is going back in time and actually FEELING what I felt when I wrote.

I may be sad today - but I can go back and read my love story all over again.  As often as I want.  Any time I want.  And even though that story may have ended, it doesn't make the story any less magic  :(
And I love that there are songs attached to most.  Music moves me.  And I can play those songs and it takes me back to the days on the couch when we did nothing but talk and listen and fall in love.  And some days I can take that and it PUSHES me through just one more day, but some days I can take that and it literally HURTS to the very core of my soul.

In another moment, I can flip through and read a post that reminds me of WHO I am and WHAT I stand for... and what I deserve in life.  Sometimes that makes me wonder how things went so wrong.  And sometimes it makes me wonder how they were ever right!!

But whatever path or emotion I choose, I can flip to another just to be reminded that God had a plan for me 3 years ago when I started this blog.  He had a plan for me when I met every single person I have met in the past 3 years of blogging.  He STILL today has a plan for me.  And I thank God he gave me the ability to put that on paper and share it with others... because .... well - some days I just need to read it.   And ironically enough... when I wrote it, when he gave me the words and the ability - someone out there needed to read it too!

Today - I found an old blog I had posted in response to another blog regarding my religious beliefs. Hello... God... are you there? It's a GREAT one!  :)   And I found this person's email and I emailed her back to follow up with her on things.  And OH how I hope I hear back.  But in that moment of reading that blog, I wondered.... how many people read that and dear God if there is one person that it touched, my purpose is complete!  And that my friends makes EVERYTHING all worth it.

So when I take some time, and travel back in time.... yeah, I may cry and I may hurt, but at the same time, it gives me hope and restores my faith in my God.  God can do anything.  And there is a plan bigger than us all.  No question about that!

Leaving you with this...
One of my favorites.... sorry to say it's one that is attached to a little sad memory... great song nonetheless.  And sad or not - in some weird way - it makes me smile.

"Faith hope and love abide, but the greatest of these is love"

The Ride

There were times when the ride was smooth.
There were times when I closed my eyes and climbed a few small hills.
And sometimes I held my breath and threw my hands up and climbed monstrous mountains
There were times when it was fun and there was nowhere else I'd rather be.
But there were times I was plummeting to the ground and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
There were times when I was twisted and confused and didn't know up from down anymore.
There were definitely times when I just wanted to get off that roller coaster.
But I chose it. I PICKED IT!   I waited like a kid in a candy shop to get on that ride.  I waited and hand picked which ride to take.  And in the end.... it threw me off.

But that's life.

Times of laughter.
Times of tears.
Times with goals and times with fears.
A roller coaster.
A roller coaster of feelings
A roller coaster of emotions
A roller coaster of plans
A roller coaster of expectations
It's life.  A roller coaster.  It's how we all live.

But now that portion of the ride has ended.  And I got off just to get on another ride.  I know life is almost always a roller coaster - but it's different now.  It's just me again.   It's on me.  Whether I'm upside down or floating smoothly along.  I don't even know where it's going anymore.  Every morning when I wake up now, I have to make a choice.  I know that this is MY journey now... no longer "ours".  No one is sitting beside me holding my hand.   But no one is pushing me down either.  So I will wake up every day and hop in my seat and whatever life hands me that day, I will try my best to enjoy this ride and not wish to be back on that STUPID coaster that just broke me.
An emotional roller coaster - that is what I'm on.
So please pardon me as I cry my eyes out one day, and the next rip someone to shreds!

How do you say goodbye

Tonight.... I am lost.
Tonight.... I don't know where I am.
Tonight.... I'm trying to hold to something I can't find.
my perspective
my peace.
 

When I was a little girl, all I wanted was a white persian cat with blue eyes.  I was almost obsessed with them.  Soon after I got out on my own, I was determined this would be one of my first purchases.  And then I met Fantasia.  She was almost white, but mostly, she was a big fluffy persian with those giant loving big blue eyes and the cutest little face I had ever seen. 

Tomorrow morning, I am taking my cat to have her put to sleep.  This... my cat I have had for 16 years.  She's as old as my son.  She's been with me through all the hard times and good times and high times and low times.  It seems old age has finally caught up.  My vet tells me she is suffering from dimentia now.   For a long time she has struggled with "using the potty" where the potty is located.  She finds places through out the house to go potty.  And it's just getting worse.  Sometimes I see her just sitting... rocking.... facing a wall.  It's gotten so bad that I have gone to great lengths to accomodate her.  In her own room, with only the litter box and food bowls.  She continues to go potty in the floor.  So - I have finally come to the realization that keeping her locked in a room to prevent her from doing things that she doesn't even realize she is doing wrong is not fair to her... and it's not fair to me. 
Her quality of life makes me sad  :(
So I have THAT to look forward to in the morning.
ALONE.
she will leave my life, just as she came in, 
just me and her.... 

Life takes us down many roads.
It brings people and animals in and out as we go. 
They come when they need them... some stay, and some move on.

So tomorrow I will say goodbye to my sweet "Fanny butt" Fantasia.
I'm not sure how to say goodbye...
I'm not sure how to be at peace with my decision...
but mostly....I'm not sure how not to BREAK.

Relationships are a funny thing - all of them.

We constantly poison ourselves and just about every relationship we are in.
Friends.
Boy/girl friends.
Family...
and ironically - our relationship with ourselves.

We constantly find negativity and neglect and poison, your flavor of choice, and we just dump it all around us.  Those that we love are always the ones that get hurt the most.  Oh - we always have the BEST of intentions and there is always some justification for why we do what we do - but all we do is damage. 
all around....

Preacher T and I have been married for going on 4 months now.  Right?!! 
Interesting....
4 months is not that long.... I know....
and people are still saying "So, how's married life?"
Even more interesting...
It's kinda like the question "how have you been?"
do you REALLY wanna know?
I mean REALLY????
Do we just smile and nod and say "Great.  Life is Great.  I'm Great.  Everything is just GREAT"
Yep.
That's what we do.
Because no one wants to talk about the poison.

People are funny
Relationships are funny.
LIFE is funny
Some days in a make me laugh kinda way.... and some days in a I wanna punch you in the face kinda way!

I could smile and tell you how happy I am
or I could tell you how many times I've wanted to walk away

I could tell you how lucky I am
or I could tell you how some days it's just too much

I could tell you that it's all I thought it would be
or I could tell you - it's nothing that I dreamed of


I could tell you love and passion are enough
or I could tell you that some days they just aren't even close.

I could tell you how easy it is when it's TRUE love
or I could tell you how hard it is BECAUSE its REAL love

I could go on and on about the sweet kind loving words
or I could stop you in your tracks with the secrets

I could tell you how it's always about us and making each other happy
or I could tell you about ALL the other things that push US to the bottom

I could tell you how the plans we had are all coming true
or I could tell you how it's NOTHING like we planned.

I could lie either way.

Do you REALLY want to know?

What's your poison of choice and who are you pouring it on?
Yourself?

Out of the GRAY and into the BLUE - yes some days - I NEED the fantasy world!

After a few days of grumpy crabby cry-baby Tami - I get sick of me and refuse to stay there.. in that crappy gray world!
SOooooo - because I'm me and this is what I do - I devise a way out.
I have an un-earthly gift to alter my world with my mind... It's a protection mechanism of sorts I guess.
I can change direction, shut off emotions, or shut someone out in a snap.  It's what I do.
So - guess what - I'm over crappy gray Tami and I have flipped the switch.... off on my new direction in my new little world!
Wanna roll with me?!?!!!  hee hee
Soooooo - I'm finishing up classes in December (AGAIN)  These are the additional pre-req classes that I have to have (after finishing WKU last year) in order to be accepted into the Sonography program.  Hopefully (fingers crossed MAJOR) I will be accepted into the program and get to start next August.  Meanwhile, I will have the spring and summer semesters off from school.   It's been a LONG time since I have not taken at least one class per semester (ok - I got lost for a minute)  The point is...  I'll (hopefully) start in August 2010 and finish in the summer of 2011.   At that point, my child will have 2 more years of high school before heading off to college.  Sooooo.... that gives me two more years to work here in the hometown and get a little experience under my belt.
Now - here is where it gets crazy (and fun!)
Here's my plan:
after getting Z off to college, moved in, started, rolling in the right direction, I'm thinking this is what I'll do.
* put the house on the market
* get online and find a new job....
Wanna know what I want to do???  Still sonography - BUT I wanna travel.  I have family that travel as RN's and they spent 6 months in Hawaii last year.  Paid to work, paid to travel and paid to live in Hawaii!!!  =)
yes......THIS is what I'm working for  :)
(does anyone know someone that does this for a living?  Sonography?  what about a traveling sonographer?)
Yes ... some may say I'm crazy - I don't care.... THIS is my goal.

And get this.... My girls and I really started hanging out a little over 3 years ago.  And if you had told us 3 years ago that we would ALL still be single 3 years later - we might not have believed you.  SO - Here's what I'm thinking (shut up -it's my story ... no judging)
One friend already works in radiology, one friend is an attorney and the other works in healthcare education. (and actually told me last night that she has thought about going back to school to be an RN)
What if.......stay with me......WHAT IF - 3 years from now, we are all still single...tell me HOW cool it would be to travel and work together.  Traveling sonographer, MRI radiographer, RN & our own attorney  =)
hee hee
 I'm just saying...it's been a crappy couple of days and when I get down.... I dream....NOT plan.....just dream.  You just never know what God has in store for you  =)
Happy dreams (and working towards my goal) from here on out!
No one stands in my way of getting what I want  =)
It would be cool (ahhhh ... the fun we could have) if I got a bonus and got to travel and work with the bestest girlfriends I could have ever dreamed of.

*PLUS - someone is gonna have to pay for college......sheeeeesh!!!
check out the song!  It's G.R.E.A.T!!!!!!!!!  (there is some dead time at the end of the song....)

tonight I need some therapy - Thanks Rob!

When I have had a bad day or those I love are having a bad day, I usually find myself lost in music.  It just always provides the emotional release that I'm looking for.  This weekend consisted of highs and lows all around me... at times I was laughing so hard I could have peed myself  (yes - my friend looked at me at one point and actually spoke the words "my love fern is dead....just like my love"  LOL   I love her!  She was seriously speaking of her flower...and for those that didn't get that - it's from "how to lose a guy in 10 days" best movie ever!!!)  Anyway - I also had some GREAT quality girl time at the Waffle House (come on, who can't be happy at Waffle House)!  Point in case - several pots of coffee later, the shopping cart picture!!!!!!  she is sooooo gonna kick my butt for posting that!  I do so love my girls!

So although there were definitely those highs to speak of, we as a whole - had a pretty emotional weekend too.  There is so much going on with all of us right now that its almost exhausting sometimes.  And not just us, more like everyone around me...
I in turn find myself most of these times, in my truck, alone, just me and my radio (CD's of my choice actually) driving aimlessly in my own little private therapy session!
Now that I've had my girl time and my therapy time, I'm going to bed with Rob .... Rob Thomas that is!  he's in my CD player... LOL
I think he is so amazing.....and so under-recognized.  His voice is just so raw and pure and FULL of emotion. (and I'm kinda partial because I read an article about him some time ago that went on and on regarding what a great husband and father he is.....and these days, any man that respects marriage rates pretty high in my book!)  I wanted to share that with you and although I spent way too much time trying to settle on one song, I just could not get away from "My, my, my"   I could not find an original video of Rob singing it - which drives me crazy - so I'm posting a cover of the song by some random person.   You will get the jist of the song along with the lyrics below.
SUCH a pretty song and sentiment.
and sums up my weekend in three words........MY MY MY....   8-)

Oh and PS - why did a cop just drive by my house at 1AM with the spotlight on??? geeeeez!  That will help with the sleep tonight!!!!!  My, my, my.......


"My, My, My"

The light from the window is fading
You turn on the light
The sound from the avenue's calling you
Open your eyes

And when you find
You're spending your time
Wanting for words
But never speak
You tell yourself
That the things you need come slow
But inside you just don't know

My, my, my
Let your bright light shine
Let your words live on
Far beyond this life
Beyond this life

Hold on to anything
Everything's over and done
Has the fear taken over you
Tell me
Is that what you want
To make up your life

Time after time
You're falling behind
Hold on to me
Never leave
Forever be what you mean to me right now
Don't you feel better now