I need a new boyfriend!

So I've only been married for four months right.

My first and ONLY marriage (yeah at 34....)

It's ME, Preacher T, my son Z (15) and T's two girls (8 & 11)

Before the wedding.... I had this idea of what life would be like once we were married.
Yeah.... I DO realize some of it was a bunch of fairy tale CROCK - but some of it, REALLY....
well - I guess some of it....   well - it's just been surprising.

Here's what I've got so far
The difference between my BOYFRIEND and being married.....

{{sidenote - this is a parody - LAUGH - don't take it too serious }}

my boyfriend brought me cards and flowers
my husband brings me..... ummmmm....... yeah....  a big long string of complaints about the house, the day, the kids etc

my boyfriend used to sit up all night with me talking and laughing
my husband is ready for bed at 8:00

my boyfriend told me all the time how much he loved me and why
my husband rarely sometimes remembers to say it before he passes out in bed

my boyfriend used to tell me how HOT I am
my husband loves to make fun of lovingly criticize everything I say and do

my boyfriend used to LOVE to hold me
my husband has to sleep facing the other direction cuz his shoulder hurts

my boyfriend used to wish he could spend the night with me so he could hold me all night
my husband gets too hot when I drape my leg across his

my boyfriend would come over and tell me how great the house looks
my husband comes in and says "What ELSE did you do today?"

and last but not least of the things that I CAN mention 
my boyfriend couldn't stop kissing me or keep his hands off of me
my husband fell asleep last night while I showered and proceeded to put lotion on myself BY MYSELF!

And men say WOMEN change after marriage.....
sheeeeeeesh!
Does anyone have a boyfriend I can borrow????  LOL

BUT

I love you T!!!  :-)

CUZ... you see....
I DO have the BEST husband  :)  I DO!!
it was my husband who let me quit my job so that I can focus on school (6 more months!)
and it was my husband who got me a pair of Miss Me (my FAVORITE) jeans for Christmas
and it was my husband who got me a PHAT Miss Me purse for our 1 year anniversary (of the night I fell in love) and he picked it out all by himself  :)
and it was my husband who rolled over and rubbed my shoulders this morning

and it was my husband who stopped and got me a blizzard last night without even having to ask me (or ask what flavor!!)
and it IS my husband that I watch deliver God's word EVERY Sunday morning
and it IS my husband that I admire because his big ol' heart is almost as big as mine!  ha ha
and it IS my husband who can ALWAYS make me smile NO MATTER WHAT


and... well..... he still IS the guy who gives me butterflies when he says "I love you"... not just the "hanging up the phone" or "going to bed" I love you's.  You know the one I mean... when your man looks you in the eyes and says I love you and you can see straight to his soul.  YEP - still got that.  :)

and YES honey.... I know you get hot at night and I know sometimes I'm mean and sometimes I have a bad day and I'm a big ol' cry baby!!!
So MORE than anything.... it's my husband who loves me for JUST WHO I am and JUST THE WAY I am!  and it's my husband who will still be holding my hand in our rocking chairs when we're 90 years old, sitting on the front porch making fun of all the people who have been a part of our crazy happy upside down world we live in!
I love you baby  ;-)
Now if I could just get him to put lotion on my back every night.
Come on - it's winter - it's like the Sahara desert over here!!!!!!!  LOL!

approaching the new year...

I have written about change before.. but I'm really pondering this subject the closer we get to beginning a new year.

We WANT growth and change.....but at the same time, there are some things that we want to NEVER change.
And it seems it's always THOSE things that change.

I don't have much more to say about this today............ just that I've talked to several people lately (myself included) that seem to be struggling with change... adjustment... just life.
Things we WANT to change.
Things that we never WANTED to change... yet they have.
Things we thought would last forever and they don't....

It seems that sometimes, we get ourselves into situations that we just can't break through and CHANGE.  A routine, a pattern, a habit, taking people for granted, taking things for granted.... when you feel like your banging your head against the wall trying to push forward, remember this:
Change sometimes means growth
and Change sometimes means..... letting go.  Walking away.

and sometimes through the midst of all of that.... you just feel lost.
Always trying TO change...
or trying NOT to change...
or trying to find that perfect happy life
trying to find our "heaven"
or even worse  - sometimes too busy trying to fit into someone else's "heaven"

Motivational Monday - on Tuesday!! :)

.... I've already been forewarned about posting this video....
YES, you might just think it's a bit cheesy
BUT - I will tell you....
NO - I will challenge you
Watch it.... watch the ENTIRE video and tell me it doesn't touch something inside you.
I can't watch it without crying
EVERY time.... I swear.
So moving.

The clip is from the movie "Facing the Giants"
it was a low budget movie and it wasn't advertised much... there is no one "famous" in it - so it's likely that you have never heard of it.
My son and I went to the theater to see it and I'm pretty sure if he could have gotten up and moved away from me during the movie, he would have.
and I'm SURE I looked like a HOT MESS coming out of that theater.....
But it's SUCH a moving, inspirational movie.

Anyway - the clip I have posted below is from the movie.  The coach is challenging one of the players to step up.  There are TWO important points to note in the clip.
#1 - the blindfold.  Coach makes him wear this during an exercise. 
#2 - the coach.  What a pivotal role he plays...




The reason this is so touching and inspirational for me is how practical it is to apply to our every day life.

The Blindfold.  How far do you think the boy would have gotten without that blindfold.  He would have set up his OWN limitations and never pushed himself to his FULL potential.  We do this EVERY day.  We all have hopes and dreams and things we want to accomplish.  But we're so busy looking around, setting up boundaries that we can't see ourselves to our FULL potential.

Put on a blindfold and stop worrying about what you can't do and just DO IT.  Don't let other people or things distract you.  If you want it bad enough and put your HEART into it - it can be done.

The Coach.  One word.   Inspirational.  The entire time he is pushing the boy, he is telling him "you can do it.  give me all you've got"  He's inspiring him and more importantly - he BELIEVES in him and tells him so the whole time he's pushing.   Some people have friends and family that play this role.  Some people are blessed with people in their lives that believe in them THAT much, no matter what the goal is.  If you do have these people, you are BLESSED and be very thankful for that.  Just remember, to someone, you are that pivotal person too. 
Push your friends and family.  Inspire them.  BELIEVE in them!!

Back when I was going to the gym (oh how I miss that), my trainer had us carrying a punching bag from one side of the room to the other.  I asked how many times and he said everyone so far had made it across the room 3 times.  So I PUSHED myself to do it 3 times.... it hurt like CRAZY and I was pretty sure I'd never make it.  BUT - everyone else had done it, so far be it from me to not try.
I did it.
And guess what - NO ONE had done it three times before me.  My trainer believed in me enough to PUSH me.  If he had told me one time, I would have done 1 time.
So anyway - Thanks David - I still remember that day.  Even though you may have told EVERYONE that - or you may not even remember - know that you inspired me that day.


And above and beyond everything else.... remember you have a God that created you and has BIG plans for you beyond what you can even imagine.  He is ALWAYS coaching you on and telling you and showing you how much he believes in you.  Don't overlook that.  Be thankful for that and use that constant believing in you to get you through every day and to reach goals that without him would be impossible!!

Relationships are a funny thing - all of them.

We constantly poison ourselves and just about every relationship we are in.
Friends.
Boy/girl friends.
Family...
and ironically - our relationship with ourselves.

We constantly find negativity and neglect and poison, your flavor of choice, and we just dump it all around us.  Those that we love are always the ones that get hurt the most.  Oh - we always have the BEST of intentions and there is always some justification for why we do what we do - but all we do is damage. 
all around....

Preacher T and I have been married for going on 4 months now.  Right?!! 
Interesting....
4 months is not that long.... I know....
and people are still saying "So, how's married life?"
Even more interesting...
It's kinda like the question "how have you been?"
do you REALLY wanna know?
I mean REALLY????
Do we just smile and nod and say "Great.  Life is Great.  I'm Great.  Everything is just GREAT"
Yep.
That's what we do.
Because no one wants to talk about the poison.

People are funny
Relationships are funny.
LIFE is funny
Some days in a make me laugh kinda way.... and some days in a I wanna punch you in the face kinda way!

I could smile and tell you how happy I am
or I could tell you how many times I've wanted to walk away

I could tell you how lucky I am
or I could tell you how some days it's just too much

I could tell you that it's all I thought it would be
or I could tell you - it's nothing that I dreamed of


I could tell you love and passion are enough
or I could tell you that some days they just aren't even close.

I could tell you how easy it is when it's TRUE love
or I could tell you how hard it is BECAUSE its REAL love

I could go on and on about the sweet kind loving words
or I could stop you in your tracks with the secrets

I could tell you how it's always about us and making each other happy
or I could tell you about ALL the other things that push US to the bottom

I could tell you how the plans we had are all coming true
or I could tell you how it's NOTHING like we planned.

I could lie either way.

Do you REALLY want to know?

What's your poison of choice and who are you pouring it on?
Yourself?

Bring on a BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!

Well....... I did it.
I have made it through the first half of ultrasound school
HOLY COW.
I was so excited to get in......then once in and classes started, I was pretty sure I would never make it out alive.  But now - here I am - HALF WAY through
I just can't believe it!!!
The things I have learned in the short 4 months that I've been there.... well... it really is just truly amazing!
I told someone the other day "I feel like I have gone off to medical school"
and he replied "I got news for ya - you ARE in medical school"
LOL
I never really thought of it that way.
I am DEFINITELY no M.D. here..... not even close....
and I DO realize I'm NOT going to school to be a doctor - LOL - but there are definitely days when I feel like I'm training to be one!  ha ha

Anyway - I just wanted to say how much I LOOOOOOOOOVE what I'm doing.  I love learning, I love the practice and I'm sooooo happy to be walking down this path I have chosen.  (and closer to being finished!)  LOL

BOOOOOOOOOOYAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

But NOW - I'm even MORE happy to say I'm outta classes until January 10th.  I have homework to do while I'm out - BUT no CLASS, no CLINICALS, nothing... for 4 whole weeks.

BRING on CHRISTMAS!!!!!
Next week I'm putting up the tree and starting to get a little Christmas spirit around this poor ol' messy house that has been TOTALLY neglected since... oh....... about JULY I guess!  ha ha

and bring on the BLOGS!!!
I have a lot of catching up to do!!!

WHOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO
bring on my winter vacation!!!!!!  :)

Looking Back...... (no Garth.... not YOU)

 

  {{Don't you put that song in my head!!!}


I just looked back at posts from a year ago....
My oh MY how much has changed in one short year and OH the blessings I have in my life!!!

Since I haven't had time to post a Thankgiving "thankful" speech
please allow to somewhat do that now.......

First - go back with me a little.......
One year ago - I fell in love with the man I now call my husband.
Yes that's right....
in less than ONE year....we fell in love and decided we didn't want to go on through life without being a part of each other's forever.
ahhhhhhhhh - weren't things simpler back then?!  LOL


GO BACK and read THIS post from Thanksgiving 2009

In one short - VERY busy..... and did I mention SHORT.... year - I have fallen in love, expanded my family, started ultrasound school (which I am now ALMOST to the half way mark of), quit my job, gone back to waitressing, found some new friends, lost some old ones....   oh the list goes ON and ON and ONNNN!!  But just for one minute, I just want to gloat!
I want to BRAG!!!!
I want to look back at where I was at Thanksgiving last year...... (sooooooo HAPPY) and look how much my life has grown and flourished in just that one short year.

Ain't God GOOD!!!!!!!!

That is all   :)

speaking of Halloween.... I don't wear masks

Someone approached me recently and said "ahhhh.... I love your look tonight.  You're like Rocker Tami"  I'm not gonna lie, it kinda threw me off guard.  I'm sure the look on my face was priceless.  As I stared back at this person, she continued on by saying, "you never know what to expect with you... sometimes your like the quiet innocent girl next door, and sometimes your smokin hot, and tonight your all rocker chic!"
I didn't realize I actually had different "looks"!  LOL

So I got to thinking.......

Thank God I'm finally in my 30's and I can just be ME!  That's it.  I don't wear a mask, I don't pretend to be something I'm not.  I just live my life trying  to do the best I can and help as many people as I can along the way, but in the meantime, trying really hard not to sell out to anyone or anything.  I'm just ME.
I dress how I want.
I act how I want.
I finally know who I am, what I want, what's important in life and the stupid little things that happen that throw existence into chaos... well - they just don't bother me as much as they used to.

I don't have to spend hours and hours trying to maintain some sort of image of who I want people to think I am.  I just am.
Unintentionally, one day a rocker and one day the quiet girl next door.
Because inside aren't we a mixture of them all???

I'm so thankful to be past that point in my life where I need to "fit in" or pretend I like or don't like something just to "have friends"

If only I had known at 14 what I know at 34.
I guess that's the fun in life.
wearing the masks.....
and one day being comfortable enough in your own skin to lay down the masks and just be YOU.
You at your very BEST.
does it get any better than that?!

Loving AND/OR Liking? I'll take BOTH please!!

It's Pour Your Heart out Day

Today - I finally had some time to read some blogs.....not JUST spill my guts and emotions all over the screen.  But when I read this post (over at Things I Can't Say) I have to say... I have been having these feelings too and I'm using THIS post and Shell's courage to therapeutically put this out there too - because something's gotta give.  And THIS is why I started blogging in the first place....To be open and honest - and while trying to be uplifting and sharing my good days... I also need to share the bad.  Because people need to know #1 - they are not alone.  and #2 - people are here for PEOPLE!  Sometimes you give and give and give.......and sometimes, you just NEED.  Period.
God sends us through situations and he sends us people to learn from their situations AND he gives us the ability to share ours  - so that in some way - each and every one of us pay it forward by helping someone else.
So please, bear with me while I pour my heart out...

Tomorrow will be my 2 month wedding anniversary.  TWO MONTHS!!
I can hardly even believe that I have been MARRIED for two months.  It's a miracle really.  That God finally brought me and showed me that there IS someone for me.  That I do have a partner to walk through this crazy life together with.  He showed me that just when I put my faith in Him and trusted Him with my life and attempted to walk on alone, HE showed me that He did have a plan for me.
I found the absolute love of my life.
Preacher T proposed, we were engaged.  Planned a wedding, walked down the aisle, signed a piece of paper and boom - it was done.
And the next week, life began.  We worked on getting T moved in, rearranged my house into "our" house, moved my son upstairs, made a room for his girls..... we went to work, I went to school.  LIFE continued on.

and somewhere along the way...
The person I fell in love with, left...
(NO, not literally)

Now - don't get wrong.  I LOVE this man.  That is NOT what I mean.  I love him with all my heart - and for anyone that knows me, you KNOW I would NEVER walk down an aisle to meet a man that I didn't love with my every being.  And i do.  I love him just as much today as I ever did!!!

But I don't like who we've become....where we have ended up.

And although I have tried to explain this to T time and time again - I'm either not getting through - or I'm CRAZY!!!
Or maybe I'm just a BIG freaking BABY??!
or MAYBE my expectations were too high??

I just feel like 2 months in we should still be in that "newlywed bliss"... no matter WHAT life throws at us!!
And truth be told... I feel like it (the "bliss") ended on our wedding night.  Oh we have moments... and days.... and segments of "bliss" - but here lately - I feel like I'm living with a stranger.
and everyone and everything else is suddenly SO much more important than me.
I got married and took a back seat.
All the hopes and dreams and plans and promises that we talked about for so long have somehow flown out the window.
And somehow for some reason I feel like a stranger in my own life.
My son has moved out.
My husband moved in.
I quit my job.
I started school full time.
I work back in the food industry.
{{scratch that - today I was told my availability with school is not working out for them}}
I no longer make enough money to support myself.
and possibly now, don't have a job

My life has changed SO much in the past 3 months that I hardly even recognize it anymore.  Don't get me wrong, change is good.... and things are GOOD in my life.  God is definitely taking care of us... but some days, when I need more than anything for my best friend to be here with me... he's too busy worrying about other things to realize that I'm changing too.

We promised to always love and cherish each other and ALWAYS ALWAYS put each other first.
I don't know how that got so off track.

How many times can I talk about it and how do I get back to "liking" my husband again.

I do LOVE the man I married
but I sure don't like the stranger I lay down with at night......

{{He's gone all week this week........and although I'm all about some "me time" and I'm fine in my house on my own.... I have never felt THIS "alone" even when I really WAS alone...}}

Things aren't bad... they're just different

When I was a child, I wanted to grow up to be a veterinarian.
That's what I wanted.
I LOOOOVED animals... loved them.  And that's what I thought I could do best with my big ol' heart.
But then I found out that sometimes you have to put animals to sleep.  Sometimes they get sick and they die.  And I couldn't deal with that.
So I changed my mind.
I didn't have the heart for that.

Then I wanted to be a teacher.
But I soon realized that when God was handing out patience, I was in the bathroom.  I have none.  Not meant to be a teacher....
oh yeah - AND I HATE public speaking!  ha ha

moving on......

At some point, I think I got lost.
Forgot what I had to offer or where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do with my life.
I threw away the big picture and just focused on having fun.
I lost ME
So I did what I could do to get by.
Paid the bills, did what I could.
Made some mistakes... and quickly learned from them.
Not such a bad thing..... some jobs and days were better than others
But still at the end of the road - I didn't know who I was anymore.

So - things were different than I expected.
I was still determined to fight my way through and find my way.

Funny thing is:
Today
FINALLY
I have found the job I want.  I'm working towards it and getting closer and closer everyday.
I can't wait to finish school and start.  It's a perfect combination of working with my hands, working with technology and at the same time, doing it with ALL  the HEART and COMPASSION and LOVE that I have to give.
I can't wait.

It's hard and toiling and it takes me away from so many things in my life right now....
BUT...when I step back and take a minute to breathe and take in the big picture - I realize, things aren't bad, they're just DIFFERENT.
And one day, when I'm finished tearing myself apart to be where and WHO I want to be.... someday - I will get to turn around and do nothing but give back.
THAT's me.
THAT's what drives me.
THAT's the me I want to be.

With that figured out (for today anyway) - as a twist (cuz my life seems to be just FULL of them)  - it seems when one thing starts to make sense - everything else gets more confusing.

Things change in relationships.
Things change in families.
Things change at work.
Things change spiritually.
Habits change.
People change.
People SAY they are gonna change.
Goals change.
PATHS change.
 Things change EVERY day.

Turns out life as a whole IS hard and it DOES take work and LOTS of faith and praying.
All of it.
and more often than not - it's "different" than we expected.
some days are harder than others....
and some days I get frustrated because what I thought would be my life.... is not.

It doesn't mean life or things are bad, they are just DIFFERENT.
and we just have to keep fighting our way through...
{{and I SURE have been doing a WHOLE LOT of praying!}}

I don't see me anymore

When I look at you

I don't see me anymore

Just an empty shell

that used to be my home

When you look in my eyes

tell me who do you see

Because the girl staring back

is not who she used to be

There once was a time

when I saw me in your eyes

I was strong, I was good

and together we could face anything

Life has come in and carried us on

and the love that we share and the me that I knew

has changed with the time

leaving just my empty soul-less eyes

The who that we are today

is not the who that we were

Time has marched on

our dreams fade and change

And though there is nothing I can do
but let time take it's course
and let you be you...
The me in your eyes
and the me in the mirror

is not the me that I know
Anymore. 

{{Nothing in this blog is directed at any one person or thing in my life.... just random thoughts and emotions from life... put to pen!  
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by how MUCH life has changed and how quick - that I don't know where I fit, or if I fit AT ALL  ..... and some days, I don't know who I am anymore....}}

Some days you won't - but one day you will...

I haven't shared alot lately.
Life has been kinda crazy.
Up and down
Alot of things have changed in my life and every day seems to reveal a new hurdle in some way.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not in any way saying life is bad.
Life is great... it just depends on who's eyes your using to look at it.
We all fall victim to putting on those glasses that only reveal what's WRONG with our lives.
While there is so much good happening all around me, I also see so many people hurting... confused... sadness... lack of direction.  Just so many things that are unanswered.
Truth is this....
EVERY day we are surrounded by unanswered questions.
And it's not just you... it's me.  It's everyone.
We focus so hard on trying to fix everything and everyone that we forget..... if we would just lay those unanswered questions and problems in God's hands and stop questioning everything  - one day - it will make sense.  And all this unnecessary worry will just be futile.

So - for all my loved ones... friends, family, blogger buddies... everyone in my life questioning life and your purpose and where your going and WHY things don't seem to be going right - I just felt the desire to share...

If you had told me 3 years ago to just be patient... that God was working on me and that he had a plan...
if you had told me 1 year ago that I would meet a man and fall in love and be married in less than a year...
if you had told me that I would married to a preacher...
if you had told me that one day it would be possible for me to be back in school full time...
if you had told me that a career change was in my near future...
I WOULD HAVE CALLED YOU A FOOL!!!


Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Trust in that... it sure does take the burden off of your shoulders and allows you to enjoy every day and see all the things you are truly blessed with.  Take off those jaded, bitter, fix-it-yourself glasses and see your life through God's eyes.  He has plans for us all..... if we would only let him have control.


I read this quote from a pastor's facebook page and I wanted to share it with all of you.

Even if you think it, refuse to speak negative words about yourself: I'm no good; I'm fat; I'll probably lose my job; my health is failing....etc. Spoken words strengthen or corrupt your faith! My friend: you can do all things through Christ. With God, all things are possible. Let the words of your mouth and meditations of your heart be acceptable in God's sight.  Criticizing yourself is as bad as criticizing others. You are a loved child of God. God doesn't make junk.

Also - I posted the lyrics and the video to a song below.  Take time to read them and listen to the song.  Stop focusing on what's going wrong and be thankful for what's going right and what your future holds  :-)


You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

Living and dying with the choices we've made...

My mom fusses at me all the time because I share too much.
She tells me I put too much of myself out there
and share TOO much personal information.
My mother is private.  She holds everything in.
That's just her.

I on the other hand - have only this to give.
Myself.
Life lessons.
Things I struggle with, run from, hide from, deal with and sometimes....even LEARN from.
It's all I've got.

Sometimes, I pour my soul out for only personal therapy...
But then there's that one day, when someone reads something I wrote and says the greatest words I can ever hear....
"I needed to hear that today"
This is why I write
This is why I share.
It's my way of giving back the only way I know how...

So here goes.......

The last few days have been very hard for me.
My son is 15.
yes - those dreaded teenage years.  We are smack dab in the middle of them.

Last week, after weeks of numerous conversations with my son about responsibility and chores and simple "helping around the house" requests... things finally came to a head.

Last week, my son left my house and went to his dad's.

As a little background, I have full custody of my son.  His father and I were never married and after my son was born, I walked away with him.  On my own.  Just the two of us.
It's been that way ever since.
I have fought tooth and nail for 15 years to take care of him and protect him and give him everything and teach him everything that I could possibly imagine to give him a good life and a good foundation to build his own life on one day.
But after the final blow - I suppose he has decided that life with his dad would just be better.

I don't want to get into ALL the details as to what happened.  But the reality is - although nothing is final yet - he wants to go.
A few days ago, he left on his regular visitation night with his dad and just never returned.  When I called after several days - I was told that he didn't want to live with me anymore.
OH - the pain.  My heart broke.
Now - don't get me wrong, this is his father - and after my husband and I sat down with my son and talked, he informed me that he just wants to spend some time with his dad.

Who can fault him for that?

He's a boy.
A teenager who never had a relationship with his father.

But you see........ I only know his father as the man who cheated on me our entire relationship.  The man who cheated on me and ran to strip clubs with his friends while I was at home pregnant.  The man who laid up in our apartment the entire time I was pregnant while I worked every day... up until 2 days before giving birth to my son in order to keep a roof over our head.  The man who could NEVER hold onto a job.... the man who fought against and ran and jumped job to job for as long as I have known him in order to avoid child support.  The man who never offered to help with anything "above and beyond" child support because it's can't cost THAT much to raise a child.
And I have HATED him for that.
 That's the man I know.
And I'm still to this day working VERY hard on forgiveness.

Maybe he's changed.  Maybe he's better now.
I don't know him now.
I only know him as that man.

But all my son knows him as ...  is "dad"
And I will not fight that.

So after another ugly conversation last night - I threw my hands in the air and looked at my husband and said "I'm done. I can not fight anymore."
I.
AM.
BROKEN.

As I lay down in bed last night, heart broken and wide awake, it hit me.
I began this blog talking about my mother...
ironically...
because you see.......
at age 17 - after a long LONG time of fighting with my mother through the "teenage" years, I packed my bags and walked away.  And my mother threw her hands in the air and said
"just go...."
And I went.
All the time hating my mother for "pushing me away"
hating her for "making me mind" and "wanting what's best" and trying to "teach me about life"
I hated her and KNEW that I knew best.
{or so I thought}

I BROKE my mother all those years ago.
And never even realized.
Oh... in time, I knew I had hurt her.   I knew I was wrong.
I knew that I screwed up.

But last night... my mother's broken heart was laid out at my feet... broken and raw.... for me to see clearer than I ever saw before....
And man did it hurt.

So - although I'm struggling with what may be... I know that it's NOT that my son doesn't love me anymore.  I know that he does.
It's just that HE just doesn't know any better than to just be 15 right now.
and as hard as it is and as much as it hurts....
I have to let him walk this road too.

I wanted to share this sweet little nugget from Criminal Minds tonight.
It really hit home with me.

"This isn't what I want - but I'll take the high road

Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson

or because I don't want to walk around angry

or maybe it's because I finally UNDERSTAND

There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept

There are things we don't want to know, but have to learn

and people we don't want to live without - but have to let go."

I did not WANT to know how I hurt my mother - but last night - I LEARNED exactly how hard a heart can really break.  And to know that I did that to someone else just breaks me into pieces.

Please keep my family in your prayers.

Irony: here's the definition - MY LIFE!

So....
about ONE YEAR ago.... I started this thing called "blogging".  I had NO idea what I was getting into - but I love to write and vent and someone shared this site with me.  I slowly started reading and following and then ultimately GAINING followers.  How COOL!
Before I knew it - I was addicted.

Here's the irony.
When I started blogging - I was in a weird place in life.  Kinda drifting around you could say. 
Dreams....
Ideas....
but nothing in stone.  Nothing concrete.
Nothing BLACK or WHITE.
Therefore my blog title - Every Day in GRAY!!!!   Not gray like sad... but gray like I was trying to figure out what was black and white in my life.
What I wanted.....with no gray area.
The gray was driving me crazy.

ONE YEAR later......
here I sit.....after blog after blog after blog about "love" and what I was looking for - I found it!!!  It was right under my nose and I didn't even see it.
Career.  YUP.  CHANGE!!!!!  Quit my job and went back to school
My career of choice......
ULTRASOUND!!!

READY for the irony.........
guess what ultrasound consists of!
Sitting in front of a screen, scanning the inside of patients and looking at  .......
nothing else but.....
..................
..........

A GRAY SCREEN!!!!!!!!!  ha ha ha
it's called "gray" scale!!!!!

And guess what.......
it's HARD as you know what - but I am SOOOOOo in love with what I'm doing!!!!!!

Check this out.......
Look at this.......

Do you know what THAT is???????
huh
huh
huh????
DO YA?????/
it's a liver!
and a gallbladder
and hepatics and a portal vein!
YUP - I CAN see that!!!




Everyone can see this........

It's a BABY!!!!!
look at that CUTE little face!!!!!
a little baby!
But I can measure it's head and abdomen and tell you if the kidneys have formed and see it's little heart beat...  all FOUR chambers!!!

Yes - there are days when I want to pull my hair out and it's sooooooo overwhelming
and YES - it's ALL GRAY!!!!!!!!!

BUT I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God - you are a funny little thing aren't you?!!!!!

smack me in my face!!!  ha ha

Ohhhh - How I have missed thee!

Hello blog world.
ohhhhh how I have missed you!!!
I have SOOOOO much to share!!!

Rehearsal pictures.... (story and pictures LATER)
wedding is done - I'm MARRIED - I will have pictures!!  (for another blog!)
(AND - I REEEEEEEALLY need to vent! ha)

SO today - I just had a thought....
I shared this quote {MY quote} on facebook and thought I would take a moment to share and vent a little.

I'm trying VERY hard to remain positive...
life is good
life is changing...
it's scary - but GOOD
but MOSTLY - it's HARD!!

"When nothing else is going right and it feels like ur world is crashing around you, always remember God will find a way to remind you he is still taking care of you! Don't blink, you just might miss it!!"

WHY is it that I try so hard to focus on each day and the POSITIVE in my life - but it seems circumstances and people around me keep draggin me down????
I just got married right?!
Wedding bliss.....newlyweds..  all the FUN of a new life came flooding in on me!
I couldn't wait to start that new life.


Just to be honest....
first week of marriage....
not all it's cracked up to be!!!!


DONT get me wrong.
I LOOOOOVE T and I'm soooooo glad the wedding has come and gone and we are now in the "happily ever after" - but WOW
it's just harder than I expected.


I'm not going to go into GREAT detail - just needed to vent a little.
I'm the glass half full girl.  I look at the positive - and maybe I do look at life through "rose colored glasses"

but....I am HAPPY!
I CHOOSE to be happy!
It IS a choice!!!!
and I guess for a while I just wanted to bask in the JOY of finally finding the love of my life.  Finally signing that piece of paper... finally being able to say I have a partner for life and he's my BEST friend.  
Yeah school is hard (another story for another blog)
yeah - money is gonna be tight.
I'm not stupid.
I'm not naive... I KNOW these things.

BUT don't you understand that a GREAT thing has just happened in my life.

NO - we don't have time or money for a honeymoon - but can't we just LIVE like a honeymoon for a while??


NOPE
real life is this:
gotta get everyone moved in and settled in and a schedule made and bills paid and a budget made.


SHUT  UP LIFE!

Let me live in my fantasy world for just a short while....


Anyway - just wanted everyone to know that I'm still alive, I am finally married and put THAT stress behind me- yeah school started and life is stressful - but I'm hoping to NOW be back to some sort of normal blog schedule again.
I'm missing my bloggy buddies.......  (and ur comments and support!)


MUAHHHHHHH

Please allow me a multitude of "what if's"

So T made a comment to me the other day... innocently... jokingly... but it has brought on a whirlwind of emotion and more specifically .... a BIT of a freak out!!!!
{{is this what they refer to as cold feet??}

Now don't get me wrong - I'm totally in love and I'm not second guessing at all what we are doing and where we are going...
I LOVE T with all my heart and I can't WAIT to spend the rest of my life with him....

{{I still have moments when I can't believe that someone ACTUALLY loves me THAT much!}}

BUT
the other day he said   "I can't believe you said that you've waited all your life to get married"
and like a ton of bricks....
all the upcoming CHANGE washed over me like a monsoon!

Let me re-introduce myself.  ha ha  (for those of you who don't KNOW me personally)
I have been on my own for a long time.......it's been me and Zack... for 15 years!!!
I'm in charge.
It's my way....
(I'm kinda.... a little... selfish... shhhhhhhhhhh)
I make decisions and have no one to answer to...
Saturday - that will come to an end.

Life as we know it will CHANGE.

So I was surrounded with thoughts of.......
WHAT IF I can't do it?
WHAT IF I suck as a wife?
WHAT IF I suck as a step mom?
WHAT IF I suck at sharing?
WHAT IF I suck at compromising?
WHAT IF he doesn't love me enough?
WHAT IF he CAN'T love me enough?
WHAT IF I do everything wrong?
WHAT IF I break?
WHAT IF I break HIM?
What if......I only know how to BE single?

WHAT IF I have waited my whole life to be married.... to be a wife..... to have a husband that I love with everything I have.... WHAT IF I have waited my WHOLE life for this and I blow it???????

I know life has ups and downs.
I know that even as a "single girl" life has those mountains and valleys
But as a wife, someone else's happiness is in my hands too.

WHAT IF I don't know how to do everything right?

I know that no one KNOWS how to do everything right...
but I guess I'm just scared of letting someone else down...

I'm not having freak out moments about WHAT I'm doing.
I'm marrying the man of my dreams....... my everything!!!

I'm MORE having a little freak out about whether or not I can be and do all I need to be and do!

I'll be fine in the end.... I just always worry about letting someone else down.....

I just want everyone...... Preacher T, Z, the girls... to be JUST as happy as I am.

5.....4.......3.....2...1

HOLY COW - I can NOT believe how fast things are slipping up on me!!!!!!!

Baby Z started back to school today...
I start ultrasound classes in 12 days...
Wedding is in 17 days...

Engagement pics are done - so I thought I would take a minute to share some of those with ya!
still a million little things to take care of...
music cd's
finalize the food menu
finalize the flower order
I don't even have my jewelry yet
still have bridesmaid gifts to purchase
blah blah blah.........

but in the meantime......
check these out from my AWESOME photographer friend.... Morgan Marie

Bachelorette party SATURDAY!!!!!!!
MORE pics to come from then........

NOW...............
I gotta go get busy!!!!!!

Wedding - Saturday, August 21 - 6:00 PM...  at Plum Springs Baptist Church

All of our friends and family are welcome  :)

When I jumped - I landed flat on my face...

Is it Monday?!!??

So far today - I feel as though I've struck out.
Beating my OWN head against the wall.
Some days are more frugal than others and today is not one of them.

Some days I feel like God is holding my hand and taking me down a path
and some days I feel like I just smashed a wall.

Some days I feel like people get me
and some days I feel like EVERYONE thinks I have lost my mind.

Some days I feel as though I'm making good decisions
and some days - I feel like EVERYTHING I do is questioned and not enough.

It seems as though no matter how HARD I try to do the right thing and think and plan ahead, it's just NEVER enough.  Someone tells me I'm irresponsible, someone tells me I'm wrong, someone looks at me like I'm stupid, someone has a "better idea"...

BACK OFF!

I'm over it.

how about this?
if it gets done, it gets done
and if it doesn't - WHY the crap should I care?????
no one else does until it's too late!!!!!

today = EPIC FAIL.
Good thing it's Friday.

gave up the ghost.... I'm gonna JUMP!

Sometimes...
you just have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down.




Kobi Yamada



You know how you go through life and you take little small "leaps of faith" here and there.

Well - effective today - (actually I've been leading up to this for a while...)
anyway - effective today - I'm taking like FOURTEEN leaps of faith all at one time!

Yes that's right.
Throwing caution to the wind...
completely 100% putting my life and world in God's hands.

NOT that I don't do that every day...
but do you ever come to a point where a decision needs to be made... and then another one... and then another one???

You see... I'm not a patient person.  I'm just not.
I have prayed for patience... begged for it actually.  I want to know the answer before you ask the question.  Waiting games just drive me INSANE.

{I think back to when I started this blog.....every day in GRAY... the unknown.  I hate it.  Black and White.  That's what I like.  Right or wrong.  Yes or No.  Go or stay.....  none of this wishy washy depending on others what if's crap.  Well - after over almost a YEAR of blogging....I have learned....  the gray is where we GROW!!!}

So - here I am - jumping WIDE OPEN into all kinds of Gray!!!  and while there are and still will be times when I'm scared and I freak out (thank goodness for T!)  most of the time, I TRUST that God has a plan for me and he puts me in situations where I learn, and grow, and witness and become a better person.

SO - I stop asking questions and I thank God for holding me in his hands.

As most of you know - I am getting married in ...... approximately 5 weeks now.....  LEAP of faith!  ;-)
I love T - I know that.  and I KNOW he loves me.  That isn't the leap.  THIS is a whole new life for me.  Sharing.  Loving.  Making decisions for a family, not JUST me & Z anymore.  Living with another person.  Learning another person......
LEAP.

I start school in approximately 4 weeks now.  This is not night classes part time when I can squeeze them in.  I have done that for years.  Heck - that's how I got my degree from Western.  No No... this is FULL TIME 8 AM - 3:30 PM  Monday - Friday real life "going back to school."  Add on top of that clinicals in several different locations at different times, different days.  THIS is a full time commitment.

Do you remember that I work FULL TIME people.
I have a mortgage, I have a vehicle, I have bills, I have to eat, we need gas.....
Going to school full time, does NOT pay the bills.
So remember not too long ago - I got a second job.

well........turns out - no matter HOW superhuman I think I am..... there aren't physically enough hours in the day to do EVERYTHING.  {shrugs...}  Who knew?!!

So - once I got accepted into school (remember that?) - I tendered a resignation at my full time job.  Knowing I would be in school full time, I knew there was no way I could be in two places at one time.  HOWEVER, because I have been at my current job for YEARS and I have the best boss in the world - we have talked and talked and talked about how in the world I could possibly go to school and somehow maintain my position in my job.  No matter how much we have talked and thought and worked and brainstormed.... it just isn't possible.

So today.... I gave up the ghost.

Although I gave notice long ago.... today was sort of a ton of bricks for me.  I don't know why today - of all days it hit me. 
But it did.
I have resigned from a full time job.... to go to school FULL TIME instead.
and work part time at my second job as my full time means of income......

OH Lordy Lordy Lordy....... what have I done?!

I'll tell ya........

I JUMPED.
I took a leap of faith..... (wonder if T wanted to take that jump straight from the alter!  ha ha)
I'm kidding.
He has been nothing but supportive.

I know (as does my T!) - that God would not have opened the doors he has opened and put me in places he has put me, if he didn't KNOW that me and my new family will be just fine.   He will hold us in his hand where he always keeps me.

So......... here.........we ........... GOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

and  once again - so sorry I have been SOOOO absent from the blog world.
Been planning a wedding, planning for school, planning for new members in the house, working two jobs, ohhhhh - and did I mention - PLANNING A WEDDING...ha ha
Things are going well.....
Life is good
and as I jump through life from cliff to cliff - Life couldn't be any better and I couldn't be any HAPPIER!!!!!!

PS - I don't know if you follow Scope or not - but I have been reading about he and Cora's wedding and I am soooooooooooo excited!
Stop by and tell them Congrats!!!!!
Both of them share pre-wedding and wedding stories that are sooo touching and sweet - AND freaking HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!
Go now.....
go on...

I'll be back.....
hopefully more frequently.....

I have engagement pictures to share and a FUNNY FUNNNNNNY FUNNNNNY {a little private} story to share on myself........  I'm still debating on whether or not I WANT people to know this!!!!  But I can assure you - every time T and I look at our engagement pics - we will have a nice "PRIVATE" laugh!  LMAO!

just another little wedding update...

with some sneak peaks......

and a Rated "R" clip!  ha ha

Wedding update (other than I'm BEAT!):

**sneak peak pictures included!!

*note:  planning a wedding in 8 weeks..... while working full time, working part time and getting ready to start school.......HIGHLY NOT RECOMMENDED!  ha ha

Church - check

Reception venue - check

Minister - check (no... it's not Billy Gibbons...)

Music selected.......and no - I'm not walking down the aisle to "here comes the bride" or the "bridal march" - sooooooooo NOT me!  ;-)
**hint hint**

Colors - selected  - check

MY dress - purchased, been in for alternations - will be ready to pick up July 21st  (NO peaking on that one!)

MY shoes - purchased - they freaking ROCK!!!!!!  The pink is a better picture - but I got them in blue... harder to see that pic so I put both on here.

Bridesmaid dresses - ALL ordered (except one......will be in August 9th - we hope!)

Bridesmaid shoes - selected  (Here's a picture of the concept - not the same dresses - but the color scheme - you get the idea!!  how FUN!!!!!!!!!!)  *Thanks to Todd Pellowe for the pic*

Engagement ring sent off for sizing - will have back July 8th.

Photographer booked!

Engagement pictures scheduled  (what to wear ... what to wear?!)

Parents are all meeting Sunday!!!!

Going to register Sunday night.  (Shower dates are set!)

Guest list complete

Invitations (ALMOST) complete - I have all the supplies - need to finish putting together and address envelopes!

Flower list is in progress - but my "flower man" is signed on to decorate and make all bouquets etc.  And he's AWESOME!!!!!!  (here's the "concept" my bouquet will be based on - but with hydrangea, gerberas, roses, callas... and bells of ireland... and FEATHERS!)

What else What else.........What else am I missing?

DJ is in the works for the reception - but we do have BRENNAN GRAVES - The Legend - coming to play accoustic for us!

What are the men wearing???????  ummmmmmm....... no idea!  Black tuxes?  with....???  Lord only knows?!  That part is up to T and that scares me a little - ha ha!

BUT the BEST part of it all is................

I'M ON VACATION NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not going ANYWHERE......

just going to RELAX

and plan to be POOLSIDE - EVERY day next week!

Z will be home... we will go swimming.  My girls are scheduling random times off during the week to hang with me and I can't think of a better way to spend my "Vacation" than relaxing with everyone I love!

That's it.

Sorry I've been so ABSENT from blogger world........but life is crazy.

Not just wedding stuff either.......

There are A LOT of changes going on in my life.......

some I will share later, but it's ALL kinda scary at one time.

you know you have to take Leaps of Faith in life........Well - I'm taking about SEVEN at one time.

just sayin.......

For all you girls out there - especially YOU HOLLY - share thoughts... ideas.... suggestions on the wedding planning.

I'm all ears!  :)

Hope everyone has a GREAT 4th!!!!!!!

Please send money......

or time....
money or time - I'll take either today!  LOL

Peace out!
I'm outta here! (wink)

GoodNESS!!!!!!
who KNEW?!?!!!!!!
I'm all about doing a "budget" wedding - but GOSH stuff is EXPENSIVE!!!
we are still 8 weeks out and it just keeps adding up.
I had NOOOO idea!!!

The courthouse is looking more and more tempting!!!
(nahhhhhhhhhhhh)

here's the update
things are moving right along ..........
Got my dress on Saturday (which I can't POST because it's a SECRET!) and T is ALL ABOUT trying to get a glimpse of it... sheeeesh!
Bridesmaid dresses are almost all ordered....just one to go after today!
Got dresses for T's girls (hope they fit, they haven't tried them on yet)
Met with my my flower man!  Have some AWESOME ideas for centerpieces (crossing fingers that it works out!)
Meeting with photographer today after work!

Still need to finish putting together invitations, & get those mailed out.
Need a piano player....??  anyone?!
CORRECTION:  update to the UPDATE - we DON'T need a piano player...  we have a GUITAR player!  (Yay!)  Actually - we have TWO!  ;-)  *I think?*
Need "engagement" pictures (just a couple to use for the paper and the house of course!)

Need MONEY!  ha ha

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
got the church - check
got the reception hall - check..........

What. Am. I. Missing????????
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

OHHHHHHHHHHHH - what about a MINISTER to do the ceremony?!
yup - don't have one of those yet?
T offered to play both roles...... the groom AND the minister.
He even said he could even "RECORD" it so he could stand in the same place the entire time... and he'll just leave pauses in the tape for times we need to speak! 
LOL

ORRRRRRRRRR........
here's another idea..........
a few weeks ago - we met Billy Gibbons...... (ZZ Top)
word on the street is that he is ordained in 49 states?  wonder if KY is one of them?
REALLY?!!!

so I'm thinking - what if I let T ask BILLY GIBBONS to do the ceremony??????

What do you all think???!!

How do we look?????????????????????

and without further adieu.....

GUESS WHO'S GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anybody been wondering where I've been hiding???

under a rock?

at the funny farm?

in jail for killing my TEENAGE holy terror???

NOPE!

I've been getting engaged!!!!!!

yup!

That's right!

Preacher T proposed!

Anybody wanna know about it??????

huhhhhhh - huuuhhhhh.....any....one....??????

So here's how the story goes

{hope he doesn't kill me!}

Last Saturday I spent the day with my girls laying out in the baby pool

Yes.  That's right.  You read that right.  BABY pool...... yeah - you "might be a redneck" if..  ha ha.

It was HOT though.....  a girl's gotta do what a girls gotta do to get some TAN on!!!

Anyway - T had his daughter with him and when I talked to him - they were shopping.  Remember this was the Saturday before Father's Day so I assumed they were shopping for T's dad and for T ;-)

I had to work at the restaurant that night so I didn't really expect to get to see T that day.

But I was pleasantly surprised when I got a text from him telling me that he was coming downtown later.  Now - for the record - T NEVER goes out anywhere when his daughter is with him.  So while I was thrilled to get to see him later, I found it rather strange.

I worked all night that night - and later realized he had sent a text saying that he wanted to see me later, to "take a walk down memory lane"

Awwwwwwww.......

I couldn't wait to get off work to see him.

So when I FINALLY did......it was by then around midnight!

I sent T a text and told him I was finished  (at this point expecting to meet up with him outside work downtown somewhere)

But I got a reply back saying to meet him at church.  (ODD?)

but no big deal.....I thought it was rather sweet and expecting that he just wanted to sit around talking about the good times.  {{he's sweet like that.... but don't tell him I said that!}}

So I leave work and meet him at church (reminder:  this is his church... where he is the preacher.  And the church that he started 2 years ago...)

When I go in..... I won't go into all the details, but those of you who have been following around for a while - know that we've had some ups and downs lately.  He then spent a little time apologizing for any pain he had caused...

but here's the thing... Pain or Not - we came through STRONGER than ever and I'm lucky to have him.  I'm lucky to have him in my life!

So after we talked (or really I guess HE talked) he walked up and picked up his guitar.  and said "this song says it best"

And he played this.......

{and NO "you might be a redneck if" comments here.....   I LOVE THIS song.... and it's soooo my man!}

After he finished the song  (never looking at me during the song...  probably a good thing because by THIS point - I was a gushing crying mess!  which is why he couldn't look at me.  SOMEBODY had to hold it together here!)  ha ha
After he finished.... he walked over and picked me up from the chair and held me.  We just stood there.. holding on to one another and well... just crying....  (SOOOOOOOOO sweet!)
{he was a blubbering mess....hee hee.... bless his little heart!}
and then......
he told me he loved me and that's why he wanted me to know he didn't want to go through another day without me....
and he dropped down on one knee and got a ring out of his pocket.....
and asked me to marry him  =)

Of COURSE I said yes.
Right there in his arms... standing in the church - where we began another new journey together.... walking together hand in hand.....in God's will.  The entire journey  =)

So - I could not BE any happier.

And get this....... so cute.  He had left his little girl, who had spent the day with him shopping for my ring, and when he left her - he told her what he was going to do.  When he got back home that night, his little girl was waiting up to see what I said....  because she had asked him before he left what he would do if I said no.  He proceeded to tell her he would just have to punch me in the face!!  ha ha    I'm sure she was relieved to know he didn't have to do that!  LOL

Since that night - we have set the date, booked the church, booked the reception hall and are in the process of getting together the guest list.  (We've been busy little bees!)
I'll catch you up on wedding updates as they come along...

but for now - the most important thing is this....
in approximately 8 weeks, I will stand in front of God, family & friends and promise to love this man and EVERYTHING that comes with loving him, until the day I leave this earth.

It's hard to imagine that God will bless me any more than he already has......but I believe that he will.  I believe there are many many many MORE good things and blessings to come in our life that we will share together!

and I can't WAIT to see what's in store.....

{{stay tuned for Wedding updates....  August 21st is the BIG DAY!}}