Monday, October 18, 2010

Things aren't bad... they're just different

When I was a child, I wanted to grow up to be a veterinarian.
That's what I wanted.
I LOOOOVED animals... loved them.  And that's what I thought I could do best with my big ol' heart.
But then I found out that sometimes you have to put animals to sleep.  Sometimes they get sick and they die.  And I couldn't deal with that.
So I changed my mind.
I didn't have the heart for that.

Then I wanted to be a teacher.
But I soon realized that when God was handing out patience, I was in the bathroom.  I have none.  Not meant to be a teacher....
oh yeah - AND I HATE public speaking!  ha ha

moving on......

At some point, I think I got lost.
Forgot what I had to offer or where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do with my life.
I threw away the big picture and just focused on having fun.
I lost ME
So I did what I could do to get by.
Paid the bills, did what I could.
Made some mistakes... and quickly learned from them.
Not such a bad thing..... some jobs and days were better than others
But still at the end of the road - I didn't know who I was anymore.

So - things were different than I expected.
I was still determined to fight my way through and find my way.

Funny thing is:
I have found the job I want.  I'm working towards it and getting closer and closer everyday.
I can't wait to finish school and start.  It's a perfect combination of working with my hands, working with technology and at the same time, doing it with ALL  the HEART and COMPASSION and LOVE that I have to give.
I can't wait.

It's hard and toiling and it takes me away from so many things in my life right now....
BUT...when I step back and take a minute to breathe and take in the big picture - I realize, things aren't bad, they're just DIFFERENT.
And one day, when I'm finished tearing myself apart to be where and WHO I want to be.... someday - I will get to turn around and do nothing but give back.
THAT's me.
THAT's what drives me.
THAT's the me I want to be.

With that figured out (for today anyway) - as a twist (cuz my life seems to be just FULL of them)  - it seems when one thing starts to make sense - everything else gets more confusing.

Things change in relationships.
Things change in families.
Things change at work.
Things change spiritually.
Habits change.
People change.
People SAY they are gonna change.
Goals change.
PATHS change.
 Things change EVERY day.

Turns out life as a whole IS hard and it DOES take work and LOTS of faith and praying.
All of it.
and more often than not - it's "different" than we expected.
some days are harder than others....
and some days I get frustrated because what I thought would be my life.... is not.

It doesn't mean life or things are bad, they are just DIFFERENT.
and we just have to keep fighting our way through...
{{and I SURE have been doing a WHOLE LOT of praying!}}


MJ said...

lots of love and prayers girl

Shell said...

Beautifully put- it's not bad or good- just DIFFERENT. And all the change- yes, everything and everyone is always changing.