Sunday, August 15, 2010

Please allow me a multitude of "what if's"

So T made a comment to me the other day... innocently... jokingly... but it has brought on a whirlwind of emotion and more specifically .... a BIT of a freak out!!!!
{{is this what they refer to as cold feet??}

Now don't get me wrong - I'm totally in love and I'm not second guessing at all what we are doing and where we are going...
I LOVE T with all my heart and I can't WAIT to spend the rest of my life with him....

{{I still have moments when I can't believe that someone ACTUALLY loves me THAT much!}}

the other day he said   "I can't believe you said that you've waited all your life to get married"
and like a ton of bricks....
all the upcoming CHANGE washed over me like a monsoon!

Let me re-introduce myself.  ha ha  (for those of you who don't KNOW me personally)
I have been on my own for a long's been me and Zack... for 15 years!!!
I'm in charge.
It's my way....
(I'm kinda.... a little... selfish... shhhhhhhhhhh)
I make decisions and have no one to answer to...
Saturday - that will come to an end.

Life as we know it will CHANGE.

So I was surrounded with thoughts of.......
WHAT IF I can't do it?
WHAT IF I suck as a wife?
WHAT IF I suck as a step mom?
WHAT IF I suck at sharing?
WHAT IF I suck at compromising?
WHAT IF he doesn't love me enough?
WHAT IF he CAN'T love me enough?
WHAT IF I do everything wrong?
WHAT IF I break?
WHAT IF I break HIM?
What if......I only know how to BE single?

WHAT IF I have waited my whole life to be married.... to be a wife..... to have a husband that I love with everything I have.... WHAT IF I have waited my WHOLE life for this and I blow it???????

I know life has ups and downs.
I know that even as a "single girl" life has those mountains and valleys
But as a wife, someone else's happiness is in my hands too.

WHAT IF I don't know how to do everything right?

I know that no one KNOWS how to do everything right...
but I guess I'm just scared of letting someone else down...

I'm not having freak out moments about WHAT I'm doing.
I'm marrying the man of my dreams....... my everything!!!

I'm MORE having a little freak out about whether or not I can be and do all I need to be and do!

I'll be fine in the end.... I just always worry about letting someone else down.....

I just want everyone...... Preacher T, Z, the girls... to be JUST as happy as I am.


Scope said...

Don't worry about doing everything right.

Just try to relax about the toilet seat up/down thing and all will be well.

(Advice from 44 year old man who was single until a month and a half ago, and just had his wife and her daughter move in over the weekend.)

Candice said...

If you don't have any concerns then you've got your head up your arse.

I think what you're feeling is quite normal. Keep an open line of communication and you'll be fine. Talk your concerns through. It will make you feel better.

Oh yeah, and congrats!!

Anonymous said...

Candice is so right, IF you are not doing some soul searching and caring about being a good partner then you are not taking your commitment seriously enough. To me it seems you have waited until you could commit to the right person. It won't always be easy but it will always be worth it!!
as for the toliet thing, we always put both seats down, if someone isn't using it, it's closed...

Anonymous said...

Someone who loves you says--- All of life is a learning process and that is what makes it so great and so terrible at the same time. Everyone has to participate, love, cry, disagree, laugh, and practice patience together. Just remember your spouse or children do not know anymore about it than you do but everyone is willing to come together and make it work with God as the head of the household. Keep all communication lines open and discuss and sometimes agree to disagree and you all will have a great marriage and family.