Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Loving AND/OR Liking? I'll take BOTH please!!

It's Pour Your Heart out Day

Today - I finally had some time to read some blogs.....not JUST spill my guts and emotions all over the screen.  But when I read this post (over at Things I Can't Say) I have to say... I have been having these feelings too and I'm using THIS post and Shell's courage to therapeutically put this out there too - because something's gotta give.  And THIS is why I started blogging in the first place....To be open and honest - and while trying to be uplifting and sharing my good days... I also need to share the bad.  Because people need to know #1 - they are not alone.  and #2 - people are here for PEOPLE!  Sometimes you give and give and give.......and sometimes, you just NEED.  Period.
God sends us through situations and he sends us people to learn from their situations AND he gives us the ability to share ours  - so that in some way - each and every one of us pay it forward by helping someone else.
So please, bear with me while I pour my heart out...

Tomorrow will be my 2 month wedding anniversary.  TWO MONTHS!!
I can hardly even believe that I have been MARRIED for two months.  It's a miracle really.  That God finally brought me and showed me that there IS someone for me.  That I do have a partner to walk through this crazy life together with.  He showed me that just when I put my faith in Him and trusted Him with my life and attempted to walk on alone, HE showed me that He did have a plan for me.
I found the absolute love of my life.
Preacher T proposed, we were engaged.  Planned a wedding, walked down the aisle, signed a piece of paper and boom - it was done.
And the next week, life began.  We worked on getting T moved in, rearranged my house into "our" house, moved my son upstairs, made a room for his girls..... we went to work, I went to school.  LIFE continued on.

and somewhere along the way...
The person I fell in love with, left...
(NO, not literally)

Now - don't get wrong.  I LOVE this man.  That is NOT what I mean.  I love him with all my heart - and for anyone that knows me, you KNOW I would NEVER walk down an aisle to meet a man that I didn't love with my every being.  And i do.  I love him just as much today as I ever did!!!

But I don't like who we've become....where we have ended up.

And although I have tried to explain this to T time and time again - I'm either not getting through - or I'm CRAZY!!!
Or maybe I'm just a BIG freaking BABY??!
or MAYBE my expectations were too high??

I just feel like 2 months in we should still be in that "newlywed bliss"... no matter WHAT life throws at us!!
And truth be told... I feel like it (the "bliss") ended on our wedding night.  Oh we have moments... and days.... and segments of "bliss" - but here lately - I feel like I'm living with a stranger.
and everyone and everything else is suddenly SO much more important than me.
I got married and took a back seat.
All the hopes and dreams and plans and promises that we talked about for so long have somehow flown out the window.
And somehow for some reason I feel like a stranger in my own life.
My son has moved out.
My husband moved in.
I quit my job.
I started school full time.
I work back in the food industry.
{{scratch that - today I was told my availability with school is not working out for them}}
I no longer make enough money to support myself.
and possibly now, don't have a job

My life has changed SO much in the past 3 months that I hardly even recognize it anymore.  Don't get me wrong, change is good.... and things are GOOD in my life.  God is definitely taking care of us... but some days, when I need more than anything for my best friend to be here with me... he's too busy worrying about other things to realize that I'm changing too.

We promised to always love and cherish each other and ALWAYS ALWAYS put each other first.
I don't know how that got so off track.

How many times can I talk about it and how do I get back to "liking" my husband again.

I do LOVE the man I married
but I sure don't like the stranger I lay down with at night......

{{He's gone all week this week........and although I'm all about some "me time" and I'm fine in my house on my own.... I have never felt THIS "alone" even when I really WAS alone...}}


Shell said...

I think you know, after reading my post, how much I can relate.

But, that is a LOT of change in a very little amount of time.

Hang in there- sending you lots of prayers!

MJ said...


I have to agree with Shell, there has been SO much change in a short amount of time. It's no wonder you feel lost & alone.

I hate to say this, but I think the newlywed bliss is not quite what we all have imagined it to be. Especially with being older (gasp did I say that).

Continued prayers for guidance & comfort for you love.

Renegades said...

Nobody ever can tell us how hard being married is.

Keep you lines of communication open and take some time for just the two of you.

Hang in there.