Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Paralyzed

DEFINED :  to bring to a condition of helpless stoppage, inactivity, or inability to act

EXAMPLE :  ME

Today was the day.  The FINAL day.  The day of enlightenment for me.
The day all hope was killed.

He delivered signed Divorce papers to me last night.  Cold.  With no words.  No emotion.  Oblivious... 
all that was left was for me to sign and deliver to the attorney's office....
Time for me to ultimately close this chapter.... the chapter I never thought I would have to close.

But there they were - nonetheless - the papers... his signature on Divorce papers.. 
laying lifeless on the table.
Staring at me.
Mocking me.
Laughing at me.
Taunting me...
The very thing I never wanted.  The very thing I don't believe in.  The very thing I have literally fought tooth and nail to avoid, for.. well... quite some time now... long enough to watch too many bricks fall, and WAY too many bricks be thrown in my face.  Long enough that anyone else in my shoes would have been broken and walked away long ago.  But not me though.  The fighter.  The lover.  The girl that lives on passion.  Not the girl that believed in love.  Not the girl that believed in the man that I somehow thought broke down those protective walls I had built.  Not this man.  Not this man who LOVED me.

LOVE
DEFINED:  an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment.  In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection.
EXAMPLE:   what I THOUGHT my marriage entailed.

So I sat... paralyzed.  Not sure what to do.  Not sure how to move.  Not even sure WHAT my move should be.  So I just sat paralyzed... and stared at my life once again going down a road I never expected.   And the worst part is... I fought so hard against it and loved so deep and gave so much.   Yet here we are.  And there I sat... for hours... just wondering, reliving, WONDERING how it ever went so terribly wrong.
Paralyzed.
until finally sleep overtook me... where my dreams were also paralyzed.
Numb.

So today - I woke up, determined that a move had to be made.
Do I sit hoping... wishing... begging for change and love in return for my entire heart that had been given.
I just couldn't fathom that THIS.... THIS ROAD was the road God put me on to just dead end.
So I sent one final plea....
a text
that simply said "Are you sure this is what you want?"
To which I was lovingly greeted with....... "I'm sure."

Affection?  no 
Personal attachment?  no
Kindness:  no
Compassion?  no

Was it ever really LOVE?

And that was it.   Now I wasn't physically paralyzed; I knew where this had to go... 
but my heart was.  
I think it stopped for what seemed like an eternity.  And I grasped the fact that...... the love I gave and opened my heart to receive is gone.  Or was it never there?
Did I fool myself into believing that he ever really loved me?
I was so guarded.  And so careful.  And sooo... cautious
and my knight on a white horse slaughtered me.

Such is life I guess.

So I jump started my heart again and reminded myself that we all make choices.  Every day.  
EVERY DAY IN GRAY
Every day we are faced with gray; and you must choose....
right from wrong.  
Good from evil.  
Black from white.
What's important and what's not.
I have no control over anyone's choices but my own.
His choice has been made.
And in that second, so was mine.

It is time to heal.

The first step is the hardest... 
but worth it.  
And while others may be scared to step and take a chance and trust that God will be right there....
I refuse to be scared.

I know no matter what - I have stood by my faith and love and done everything I vowed to do.
Someone else's choices are out of my control.
God will be with me every step of the way!

Find a place inside where's there joy and the joy will burn out the pain.  ~Joseph Campbell~

What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?

When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???



3 comments:

Ink Spiller said...

I'm willing to bet my life on that he loved you and he loved you deeply. Something scared him though, and he's scared enough to shut down completely.

I know this is so hard and you want answers so badly but really in the end there are no real answers. What you haven't lost is the love you still have in your heart and I know it's there because you speak so passionately every time you speak of the God you believe in.

This is really hard. This is going to be one of the worst times in your life and you have to grief because all your hopes have died. It doesn't have to mean the dream is dead. You will dare to believe again as long as you open your heart, love and let yourself be loved....just like you do with God.

Hugs!

Ninnie said...

He def, Loved you, prolly still does. None of the things that are happening makes sense of what I have known of him with his " Family that is not related ". His group of people who mean the most to him, YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE. I do think Ink is prolly on track up there. He was the happiest I ever saw him in the short 4 years) I have known him, while he was with you. Everything he EVER said about you to me, was 100% sweet, complimentary, and all about how lucky he was to " Have such a big hearted woman".Tammy, I don't know why people who KNOW and WANT what they have, let it go. I don't think scared can be a reason after a year but whatever is going on in head makes sense to him. This is has been and is going to be soooo hard for you, but your a pretty tough cookie, and I think as time goes on this awful memory will be just that. I know its the LAST thing on your mind, but you WILL meet a lot of people later....maybe much later. You have a whole new group of people your meeting in your new career. I felt the same way when this went on in my life, I didn't find Anthony till my daughter grew up and I was on my own. Time Tammy, I hate that answer, but time is what we get after trauma, thats it...time and lucky for you friends , and of course God (which I couldn't include in that's all we get. He's the big guy). Time to heal, friends to confide in and talk to and Him to tell the rest to and pray to. YOU WILL BE FINE ... just a little later.

You cant figure out whats in someones head and heart. Thats why WE are NOT the judges (thank God we are not the judges). God knows, and at the end of our time here we will understand what , why, and etc or really on that day your big day with God at the end of your life...you wont be thinking about this. You will be too happy to care just like everyone who loves God with their whole heart.

Hugs chicky!!!

Scope said...

I have so much I want to say, but no words to say them. :`(