Monday, September 30, 2013

I bid you ADIEU!

Today I would like to (and NOT like to) say Goodbye...
So long! soooo many things!!

First of all...... I have some baggage that I need to get rid of.
Some resentment.  A few hurt feelings.  A little bit of bitterness.
All tied up with a pretty little bow!
Letting someone hurt you should only happen one time.  Right?!
And once it is over... Its happened.. you've been hurt... It's OVER
And the longer you carry around that hurt and bitterness... The longer you are in turn hurting yourself.
There are several people that are IN my life and some that are LONG GONE that have hurt me.  Whether it be big or little.... it hurt the same.  Sometimes it was ONE single small incident.  Sometimes it was REPEAT offenses that just kept coming!  
But in the end... all that was left was me being let down and hurt.  Disappointed.
And rather than leaving it there... I have carried it. 
I packed it up in a pretty little ANGRY package and I just drag it around with me everywhere I go.
I remember.
Sometimes I unpack it and hold it and roll it around and play with it..... and remember.
And I let it HURT me all over again.

I'm tired of being angry and hurt.  
I'm tired of putting faith in people who have let me down. 
I'm tired from carrying around all that baggage. 

Secondly .... I would like to say goodbye to people who I once thought were my friends.  As it turns out they were just there out of circumstance and not by choice.  They didn't choose to be my friend, they chose to speak if the opportunity presented itself but that is about as far as it went.  These are people I will now refer to as circumstantial acquaintances.  My biggest problem, or what I've been harboring you might say.... is when they were no longer associated with me... I took it personal. Like I wasn't a good enough person for them to be my friend by choice.  They befriended others but conveniently stopped having time for me. And it hurt. And I've gone on wondering what I could've or should've done different.  And I've carried that with me.  
Today I say goodbye to those circumstantial acquaintances and accept the fact that you can't be friends with someone who wasn't your friend to start with.  
And I will vow not to take it personal.

You see, contrary to popular belief, I am somewhat sensitive.  LOL
Because you see when I am your friend and loyal to you - I consider that a forever thing.  I consider you to be my friend FOREVER.  Not just my friend by convenience.  Not just my friend when certain things are certain ways... or whatever.

Anyway - long story short - I am giving up those bags that I've been carrying around with me.  Throwing them in the river and walking away.
I refuse to let other peoples decisions be personal to me.

And finally - the other thing I'm seriously considering goodbye to......
.... is my blog.
I love my place to run and vent and scream and yell and cry...  and to share and motivate and inspire.
But as of late it seems my place has gone stale.
I don't know why.... but I feel like it's stagnant here.  Like no one reads or cares anymore.  And even if they do stumble by to read... it's really of no value.

I don't feel like I motivate or inspire people here anymore.
I don't feel like people come here when they've had a bad day and say... "Thanks Tammy - I feel better".

Maybe I WAS carrying around too much bitterness and resentment of my own to BE inspiring?
Maybe I still do.......

I feel good about ME.  I am happy with where I am and who I am right now.
I am proud of my motivation and how far I have come and the things I have survived.
But for some reason.... it doesn't seem to be inspirational to anyone anymore.
And that was my goal for this blog.
To share my life.
The ups.... the downs.... the wrongs.... the rights....
To give people hope when there is none.
To show people you CAN survive and you CAN do anything......

But I don't know.....
lately I just don't feel like I'm very inspiring.

So I often wonder..... what good IS my blog.

Has it run it's course?
Is it time for a good old fashioned farewell here too......... time to walk away?
Another chapter closed?

Because for me....... if it's not inspiring.... if it's not uplifting..... if it's not sharing things with YOU that make you better or make you see things better... I've lost my purpose here.

1 comment:

Scope said...

Well, I will miss you.