Broken and spilled out... some days I'm just not strong enough..

So I've kinda been quiet on the blog front this week.....
I wasn't really sure that I could open myself up anymore...

but then I remembered - THIS is why I blog!!!  ha ha
it's therapy people!

So I'm sharing...

This past Wednesday we began a women's bible study at church.  I am leading the class and chose a Beth Moore study (A woman's heart: God's dwelling place)   This was Beth's very first bible study so I thought it would be a good place to start.  And I'm REALLY excited about the study. 

BUT - Wednesday - we had yet to get the books passed out, so this week was simply a time of introduction and getting to know each other.  I used this first meeting with the women to share a little bit of me... and my soul... and what God has done in my life.  I shared a somewhat condensed version of my testimony of my life with Christ.

Let me first say - I am NO public speaker by any means.  (I'm talking a NERVOUS WRECK people!!)  I could ONLY be doing this through lots of prayer and the good Lord holding my hand.  I will also tell you - I have been through ALOT!  And I'm a pretty emotional girl.... so I provided Kleenex.  My story definitely has hills and valleys, but the good part is, I know now that I am where God can use me.  And THAT makes me smile.

So I shared this with all the women on Wednesday night.  (maybe I will share it with you all sometime...) And we agreed to go on this bible study journey together.  And I'm SO excited to take this walk WITH THEM and to learn and study God's Word.

BUT - Wednesday night, I came home after class.  Alone.  Z wasn't home.... Preacher T was still at church playing music.... and I guess THIS is where the devil works.  I was absolutely drained.  Broken.  Emotional.  did I mention broken???  and alone....  And maybe God intended it to be this way... so that I lean on him instead of anyone else.....
then Thursday.... man.... WHAT a day...  I essentially spent the entire day second guessing myself and questioning things I said or didn't say.... and just basically beating myself up???  WHYYYY this self inflicted torture?  I don't know!!!
But I do know, the rest of my week has been tough...
I have probably spent WAY too much worrying about this...

And there's more...

At work, I was telling someone about the bible study and how it went, and while talking about this - someone else in the office overheard...  and proceeded to walk out into the hallway and say  "YOU are teaching the class???  I didn't even know you went to church!"
ummm......OUCH!
I of course laughed it off and made a joke out of it.  But really??!!  Have I been THAT bad of a witness??
This only added to the self inflicted torture.
Want another twist to the story - a different lady I work with, that I had actually invited to the study was talking about it and was overhead by someone else, which spawned yet ANOTHER conversation!!!!

You guys.... the REST of the week at work, this has been the TOPIC of conversation.  That TAMI is teaching a bible study!
AGAIN- did I appear to be such a horrible person that THIS news is THAT worthy??!!!

Don't get me wrong.  I know it's not that big of a deal.
And I told my friend who I invited to the study that I believe you just never know what might come from the talk.... this whole thing could make a difference in someone's life.  I feel like no matter what is being said, if the Lord is brought up in conversation, no matter HOW, it could be something that someone needs to hear?
So I don't want you to think I'm sitting here beating myself over other's opinions of me.

I think it was more that I opened and poured myself out for God.... and WHAT BETTER TIME for doubt and fear and questions to creep into my head.  Not so much questioning what I said, or my testimony or that I'm walking in God's will... but maybe just questioning whether or not I'm worthy.

Does that make sense???

I just feel not worthy.

this sentiment has proceeded to creep now into other areas of my life....
I won't go into too much detail about that because .... well.... you guys don't want to know THAT much about me!  ha ha
(plus this could VERY easily turn into a 2 hour long post!)

So I will leave you with this.......
I do believe I am where I am supposed to be.  I am VERY excited about our bible study and I DO intend to share what we are doing!   (hopefully either on Wednesday after class or on Thursdays!)  I would love for you all to join in and hopefully the lessons we learn on Wednesday can be spread all through out bloggy world  :)   *and facebook world too*

Thank you guys for listening reading.... and if you pray, please keep me in your prayers.

I also wanted to share one of my fav songs before I go.
I hope it touches someone out there.....