Saturday, February 27, 2010

Broken and spilled out... some days I'm just not strong enough..

So I've kinda been quiet on the blog front this week.....
I wasn't really sure that I could open myself up anymore...

but then I remembered - THIS is why I blog!!!  ha ha
it's therapy people!

So I'm sharing...

This past Wednesday we began a women's bible study at church.  I am leading the class and chose a Beth Moore study (A woman's heart: God's dwelling place)   This was Beth's very first bible study so I thought it would be a good place to start.  And I'm REALLY excited about the study. 

BUT - Wednesday - we had yet to get the books passed out, so this week was simply a time of introduction and getting to know each other.  I used this first meeting with the women to share a little bit of me... and my soul... and what God has done in my life.  I shared a somewhat condensed version of my testimony of my life with Christ.

Let me first say - I am NO public speaker by any means.  (I'm talking a NERVOUS WRECK people!!)  I could ONLY be doing this through lots of prayer and the good Lord holding my hand.  I will also tell you - I have been through ALOT!  And I'm a pretty emotional girl.... so I provided Kleenex.  My story definitely has hills and valleys, but the good part is, I know now that I am where God can use me.  And THAT makes me smile.

So I shared this with all the women on Wednesday night.  (maybe I will share it with you all sometime...) And we agreed to go on this bible study journey together.  And I'm SO excited to take this walk WITH THEM and to learn and study God's Word.

BUT - Wednesday night, I came home after class.  Alone.  Z wasn't home.... Preacher T was still at church playing music.... and I guess THIS is where the devil works.  I was absolutely drained.  Broken.  Emotional.  did I mention broken???  and alone....  And maybe God intended it to be this way... so that I lean on him instead of anyone else.....
then Thursday.... man.... WHAT a day...  I essentially spent the entire day second guessing myself and questioning things I said or didn't say.... and just basically beating myself up???  WHYYYY this self inflicted torture?  I don't know!!!
But I do know, the rest of my week has been tough...
I have probably spent WAY too much worrying about this...

And there's more...

At work, I was telling someone about the bible study and how it went, and while talking about this - someone else in the office overheard...  and proceeded to walk out into the hallway and say  "YOU are teaching the class???  I didn't even know you went to church!"
ummm......OUCH!
I of course laughed it off and made a joke out of it.  But really??!!  Have I been THAT bad of a witness??
This only added to the self inflicted torture.
Want another twist to the story - a different lady I work with, that I had actually invited to the study was talking about it and was overhead by someone else, which spawned yet ANOTHER conversation!!!!

You guys.... the REST of the week at work, this has been the TOPIC of conversation.  That TAMI is teaching a bible study!
AGAIN- did I appear to be such a horrible person that THIS news is THAT worthy??!!!

Don't get me wrong.  I know it's not that big of a deal.
And I told my friend who I invited to the study that I believe you just never know what might come from the talk.... this whole thing could make a difference in someone's life.  I feel like no matter what is being said, if the Lord is brought up in conversation, no matter HOW, it could be something that someone needs to hear?
So I don't want you to think I'm sitting here beating myself over other's opinions of me.

I think it was more that I opened and poured myself out for God.... and WHAT BETTER TIME for doubt and fear and questions to creep into my head.  Not so much questioning what I said, or my testimony or that I'm walking in God's will... but maybe just questioning whether or not I'm worthy.
Does that make sense???
I just feel not worthy.

this sentiment has proceeded to creep now into other areas of my life....
I won't go into too much detail about that because .... well.... you guys don't want to know THAT much about me!  ha ha
(plus this could VERY easily turn into a 2 hour long post!)

So I will leave you with this.......
I do believe I am where I am supposed to be.  I am VERY excited about our bible study and I DO intend to share what we are doing!   (hopefully either on Wednesday after class or on Thursdays!)  I would love for you all to join in and hopefully the lessons we learn on Wednesday can be spread all through out bloggy world  :)   *and facebook world too*

Thank you guys for listening reading.... and if you pray, please keep me in your prayers.

I also wanted to share one of my fav songs before I go.
I hope it touches someone out there.....

11 comments:

Widge said...

Hi :)
just found you through STIS.

sounds like a rough week! So sorry you have been feeling this way. You are TOTALLY worthy, SO worthy the devil needs to try and plant this seed of doubt you are experiencing because YOU are a THREAT to him....

I encourage you to put on your armour of faith and continue to step out xo

Secretia said...

You are perfect to teach religion, because really you are sharing the concepts and beliefs, and you can do it in your own, Tami way, which is proven to be sensitive and caring. People will appreciate you very much, you can be sure of that!

Secretia

Brittney said...

Dont beat yourself up.. that doubt is just the devil trying to turn you away from a good thing! You continue to work Gods will and I look forward to hearing about your bibe study!

MJ said...

Dear sweet Tami - keep placing your faith in Him. You are absolutely the best to be leading such a story. You have opened your heart & life to God and if others can not see it then it is because He is lacking in their lives. It does not matter what is on the outside or our Sins, it matters what we speak right now & that we give credit where it's due.
Love you! MJ

LMJ said...

People tend to judge each other through what they only can see, which is not right. God knows our hearts. He knows what we can and cannot do.

Don't get discouraged. You'll do great!!

Kathryn said...

Dearest friend, I am so sorry that this week has been so difficult, but I just want you to know that I think it is AMAZING that you are teaching a Bible study! I KNOW your heart and I KNOW that you will do a wonderful job leading others to Christ. Is it Christian of me to say, "screw them!" haha Maybe so, but I just feel that is is TERRIBLE for others to be discouraging you on this new venture and BIG STEP in your life. I am proud of you! Besides, you KNOW where you have been, where you are and WHO you are....but most importantly, so does The One that matters-God! So, hold your head high and keep on keeping on! The right path is not always EASY, but it is ALWAYS GOOD and ALWAYS RIGHT....I love you!
Oh, and by the way...you are NEVER alone. I've always got your back, and I know of a couple other GREAT girls that do too! ;-) KT

Ink Spiller said...

Everybody has doubts. Isn't that how we find ourselves most of the time?
Having doubts is a question asked.

I gather from what I have read on your blog that there's been some rough times in your life and that;s what makes you real. Who would be better to suited to deliver the message you want to deliver to others?

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

I wish you luck in your new role as bible study leader, I think God uses all types of people to do his work :)

Tami G said...

Widge - THANKS for the comment! VERY much needed!!! I'm much better after the weekend :) I visited your blog and am now following you too! I LOVE all your pics! =)

Ink - Your so very right and THANK YOU so much! :)
I'm doing much better and VERY pumped about our lesson this week! :)

Life Laugh Latte said...

Everyone has said it above...but you are clearly where God wants you to be...you know it. Jesus never picked perfect people (as if that exists) to do his work. The whole point is that He shines best thru our imperfection. So do what you are doing. Pray, speak out, trust His plan, cry with friends when it gets hard, and pray some more. I'll keep praying with you. Holly

Double Wide Mom said...

First of all my pastor-husband has a paraphrase of John 8:48 that we frequently quote: "Satan is a big, fat, STICKIN' LIAR!" Don't forget it! second: I've taught a lot of older Beth moore studies and the one you're doing is the one I avoided like the plague, yet touched me like nothing ever before! The enemy does not want you to share this life-changing info. Be strong in Him! You go, sista!!