Friday, February 5, 2010

babies, love, life & marriage - and one more chance for me to offend someone!!

I recently had a conversation with a very good friend of mine!  It's kinda personal therefore names will be omitted - and I DID ask beg for permission to share this with you all.
It was over email - so I'm going to share it JUST as it was sent.  It is a bit lengthy but I do hope you will stick it out to the end.......what a GREAT message is included in this dialogue!

HAPPY Friday!  :-)

First a little background.....
my friend and her hubby have wanted a baby essentially since they were married.  I have listened and watched my friend speak many many times with that twinkle in her eye of how she longs to see a little baby "hubby" toddling around her house... how she longs to see the eyes of their little one looking back at her full of love... a little of her but mostly - a little mini version of the man she gave her heart to years ago....
At the same time,  I have watched this friend get pregnant and miscarry time and time again... to the point where she eventually just stopped telling anyone when they did conceive for fear of losing the little one again.  Each time, she did.  And each time, it tore just a little bit more of her away....
Finally - not too long ago - after her seventh miscarriage - because of so many ectopic pregnancies, her fallopian tubes ruptured and she ended up in the hospital losing both of her tubes.
At this point she and hubby had essentially 2 options:  give up OR IVF (invitro-fertilization)
They opted to give IVF a shot....

I asked recently for an update on how the process is going.
This conversation turned into a message that I just wanted to share.
(Preacher T..... I borrowed your pulpit today, I hope you don't mind  ;-)   muahhhhhhhh - luv u!!!)

Friend:
We went Wednesday to do a consultation with the genetic testing director. They just went over the process with us again and wanted a little more about our history. Found out that there was one more aspect to the process that we needed to do…instead of letting the egg and “boys” have cocktails and mingle, they will actually select the best swimmers and specifically introduce the 2. This is what they end up doing for about 60% of the IVF population and it translates into an additional $1500. Apparently, pimping is expensive.



Also learned something new. When they do the genetic testing on the embryos to weed out any with abnormalities, hopefully we’ll end up with a few to implant. But they will already know the gender of the embryos before they implant them. We had to choice to know what the gender is if we wanted. I thought that was AMAZING. Apparently the gender is one of the first things determined when the cells start to divide. We chose to NOT know…it would make it way to hard if it didn’t work out…makes it more real to know that you lost a boy or girl or both.




Just as an FYI, get a load of the costs…
Prerequisite tests to date: $1500
Freezing back-up “boys”: $700
IVF cycle: $10300
Genetic testing: $4500
Medication: $3000


That’s all the costs up to getting a positive pregnancy test. My efforts to remain positive are heavily weighed down by that menu I just typed. My attitude changes by the hour!!!

Me:
Well – even with the additional costs, since your already out so much out of pocket, I think the extra to ENSURE that they “meet” is well worth it. It would be harder to pay all that and then find out the two didn’t get along on their own. Ya know? I think pimping them is good ;-) better odds anyway ;-)


I can understand the menu costs weighing on you……..but just think when that baby boy/girl is here – it will be worth EVERY single penny

Bumps and hard days along the way only make the good days and the MIRACLE all the more appreciated and enjoyed  And WOW – that’s INSANE that they can tell the gender ALREADY in the embryo.
I’m telling you – the human body and the whole conceiving process is TRULY TRULY a miracle from God.
How could ANYONE go through all that you have been through and see what you have seen and ANYONE not believe there is a God.

Friend:
What is so hard about all this is that all this money is being spent just to get us to a point of a positive pregnancy test. Well, I’ve seen the 2 pink lines or plus sign MANY times. A positive test means absolutely nothing to me…no excitement, no thrill, no sighs of relief…just the beginning of even more stress. I am very positive about this process working for us getting pregnant, been there done that (and didn’t have to pay so much). But anything beyond that…..I don’t know how to be positive about that.



Tammy, you are so right. I can’t imagine how anyone could not believe there is a God, the process truly is a miracle. I also know that what I’ve gone through has been for a reason. It’s been to prepare me for something bigger I’m sure. But, DAMN, couldn’t He have gotten His point across to me in 1 or 2 or even 3 miscarriages? Did it really have to be 7? And if all the pain has been to help me REALLY appreciate being successful that much more…did He really think that I was going to take for granted being successful on the 1st, 2nd or even 3rd try. Again, why soooo many times? That’s where a person could start to question their faith….but don’t worry, I’m not.  Just conveying how I can understand a person in my situation REALLY struggling with faith.


Sorry, but I’m apparently in my negative mood today…like I said, every hour is different. But if I truly DIDN’T think this process might work, I sure as hell wouldn’t be shelling out $20,000 to do it. So obviously there’s a glimmer of hope somewhere inside this cynical body!....just no fallopian tubes.

Me:
And you may NOT know why it took so many times till you get to heaven and you can ask.

Just know and remember (pointing at ME right now!!) there is ALWAYS a plan bigger than us
I forget that A LOT!!!!!!!!!!
I just told KK – there have been some things I have been struggling with lately……with me, with Adam, just worrying….. and I’m done. I know God has a plan for us. I know we are together for a reason. Granted – I question my PLACE sometimes, but I know it will all make sense one day. So – I gave it to God. No more worry, no more questioning……..just living minute by minute, day by day… it’s all we can do.

Maybe there was a specific egg in you that God had to get to. Maybe this baby is gonna cure cancer. I know that is exaggerating – but just saying… the miscarriages weren’t because God didn’t want you to be pregnant or carry a child, but it just wasn’t the right egg yet. I’m not second guessing or trying to figure out why……just saying……when it is time and all is right – God will carry that baby all the way through
And whatever road it took you to get there……. God put you on it and he won’t leave your side.

You know – with writing my blog – I realize – you just never know when what you say or how you feel or how you react is going to touch someone around you. someone that you may not even know. The whole reason for this journey might simply be for you to cross paths with someone that might change YOUR life – OR might be CHANGED because of knowing/meeting you.
You just never know……….

Friend:
But what if God is trying to tell me that having children is not his plan for me….and I’m just not hearing. 7 miscarriages and an emergency surgery may have been his way of screaming, “for the love of Me, just stop!”. Just sayin….could go either way.

Me:
OK – if you weren’t MEANT to be on this road, he would not have provided the “means” to be on this road.

Correct?
I mean – I could NOT do what you and hubby are doing…. I couldn’t afford it NOR could my parents.
So – I DO believe you are where you are for a reason.

Here’s the hard part.
WHAT IF you aren’t meant to have a child?
What if you are simply going down this road to strengthen your love, your marriage and POSSIBLY be a witness for Him to someone you might not even know?!
Would you/could you be ok with that?
Knowing the end result may not be exactly WHAT you want – but it’s what God wants?

When I went to talk to my preacher a long time ago about dating…….he said to me………”WHAT IF God doesn’t want you to be married? What IF God wants you to be single? WHAT IF God has a plan for you and you must be single in order to fulfill that plan? Are you ok with that?”
I of course replied “NO I’m not……..”
And I PROMISE you – until the day came that I WAS ok with that – I was miserable.

One day, I just gave it to God.
One day (and there is a blog to document this) I gave up.
I embraced the gifts I had been given by God and vowed to use those in His name and not search for my OWN plan anymore.
I fully accepted that God DOES have a plan for me and I don’t know what it is and for as long as I tried to make it MY plan – it wouldn’t work!
So – I let go.
Instead of praying for what I wanted – I prayed to be faithful and accepting of what HE wanted!

And the even MORE ironic part was this:
The same day my preacher asked me if I was ok being alone………he also said he believed when I found the right man, he would be a man of God. He did. I promise you – he just said – I believe you are a strong Christian woman and I believe that you will find and deserve a strong Christian man. I of course laughed on the inside…. Yeah right – ME married to a deacon? Much less a preacher?! (I laughed inside because I didn’t think I deserved that!)

And then.........God brought me Adam (Preacher T - ha ha)
I have known Adam for a looooooooong time, and never would I have guessed.

But you see, God had a plan all along
And until I was willing and READY to accept HIS plan and not my own…….it didn’t happen.

Friend:
You’re ready for your own pulpit now….my work here is done.



Well said, every bit of it. And all very true.


Here’s what I really think(hope) God’s plan is/was…


I didn’t want kids until I met hubby. So we set out on this journey to have kids. Try after try bringing us closer and strengthening our relationship (like you said) and intensely strengthening my own Faith. We started on the Fertility Clinic route a couple of years ago but didn’t follow through with IVF because it didn’t seem right at the time. So I “gave it up to God” at the beginning of 2009 and we stopped “trying”. I figured that if I was meant to be pregnant I eventually would continue to be. I think God finally said, wait I can give you an answer about whether you’re meant to have kids or not and that brings me to my surgery. After the surgery we had no choice but to pursue IVF…there was no other way to conceive. So choosing to go through IVF is to get that answer. He gave us the technology now we’re supposed to use it. But I still think it is completely possible that His answer might be no kids…..and I’m completely ok with that…have been for a long time. It’s been the not knowing one way or another that has been my demon. I fully believe my answer lies at the end of this cycle and I’m anxious to get that answer, whatever it may be.


You’re right in so many ways, this is the road He wanted me to travel and I’m all the stronger for it.

Me:
I think you are VERY right. I have seen you and hubby grow LEAPS AND BOUNDS in the years you have been married. It really makes me melt when I think about it…….

NOT that you weren’t in love before – I don’t mean that at all. I just mean – how this has brought you all so much closer and so much (if its possible) more in love today!
It’s so common for people to marry these days and just grow apart in the comfortableness.
I love that I have gotten to see you all grow together…….as a couple.
It renews my faith and spirit and belief in love AND in God’s plan for us all

9 comments:

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

Wow. I truly hope that they get their heart's wish, God wants us to be happy and I think that there are many ways to build a family, not just delivering a baby. So, if this doesn't work there is always adoption, right? As a mother of two who had 6 miscarriages, I trust that God gives you the children you are meant to have.

Kellyansapansa said...

Wow, that was difficult to read. I hate hearing how hard the TTC journey is for some people, but you are obviously a source of strength to your friend and she sounds like an amazing women. Best of luck to her and her husband.

singedwingangel said...

I do not know if I could have her faith or strength after 7 miscarriages. I do not know if I could have handled 1. But I also have to say that I was not in my walk with God anytime I conceived.. even now though I have to wonder what if?? Praying for her and her hubby that God shows up as He always does and makes His absolute presence and peace known whatever teh outcome.

Ink Spiller said...

There's so much I'd like to say but I'm not sure the words have even been invented yet.

I'm glad you posted this. My struggles have been and are very different but it's always when I've handed it over to God and had faith that things started to work out, many times not in the way I wanted or imagined but always so much better.

I'm a bit of a weirdo but I feel so much love for your friend right now and I can't help but feeling there is something very special waiting for her.

leigh said...

My favorite prayer is "Let the desires of my heart match your will."

After I pray that prayer and ask God to transform my heart to want what he wants for me, my life falls into place.

I loved this post. Tell your friend thank you for sharing!

Secretia said...

Thanks to you and to your friend for allowing this to go on the blog. It was enlightening.

Secretia

Daffy said...

If I allowed myself, I would be blubbering over the keyboard until it shortcircuited....

Phenomenal message to share and I am amazed at how much I related to both sides of the conversation. Hubs and I struggled with infertility for 5 years...all said and done it cost us over $30,000. We ran the full gammut including two IVF cycles. We both work in education so you know right off that we never would've been able to pay for the medical processess if it weren't for the intervention of God. We did not have to go into debt to have our beautiful little girl who is the light, the love, pulse of our lives. She is bound for amazing things - infertility is such a stressor on a marriage and truly a test of faith!

This message is important - keep shining and sharing Tami!

tori said...

What a great message. Thank you for sharing it. I believe God is going to use your friends situations to do mighty things (and bring Him glory- of course!) Thanks again!

singedwingangel said...

YOu have na award at my place