You know those girls that you come across... the ones that have these HIGH hopes and dreams of a lifetime filled with HAPPINESS.....of finding a man to sweep them off their feet. A man who will work hard and pay the bills and do the yard work while their sweet little wife is cooking dinner. The man who tells you every day (or at least every other! ha) how lucky he is and treats you like you ARE his very own little pincess in a world gone so crazy!
Do you know those girls?
Anyone like that?
Maybe you ARE one of those girls.
no. I'm not.
I won't allow myself.
You see.... even as a teenager I didn't do very well with anyone else making my decisions for me. At 17 - I packed up the few clothes I had and off I went......to take care of ME and make my OWN decisions.
And there I have been ever since.
I had a baby.
chose NOT to get married.
I've had apartments.
I bought a house.
I go to work every day.
I pay the bills.
I do the yard work.
I buy my own cars.
I take care of me and mine.
It's what I do.
It's who I am......
It's ALL I know.
I'm not saying all my decisions have been GOOD decisions... but the thing is - NOW when I screw up - it's because I screwed up. It's on MY hands. No one elses. No one else GETS the opportunity to hurt me. No one else can let me down.
Sure .... there ARE days when I want SO BAD to be that starry eyed teenage girl that LOVES with everything in my soul.... to believe THIS guy is the one. THIS guy is different. THIS guy is the one who will finally see me for who I am and love me till I die. But the truth is...... no one ever has before. At least not until it's too late and the damage is done and the love has died. And I'm 34. And it seems the older we get, the further and further love is from reality. Everything just gets more and more complicated.
And other things get in the way.
Other things are more important.
Other things get all the attention...
Trying to right all the wrongs from before.
Trying to do things "different" this time.
they always get in the way.
No one LIVES on love anymore......not at my age. No one thinks THAT is enough. THAT is all I need. Just to love and be loved. But it's never enough. All the baggage gets in the way... it becomes the focus and the love dies somewhere on the side of the road on your pathway to happiness.
Someone took my starry eyes long ago.... and I can't find them anymore.
Some days I hate myself for being who I am and what I've become.