Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Who I am... pouring my heart out

You know those girls that you come across... the ones that have these HIGH hopes and dreams of a lifetime filled with HAPPINESS.....of finding a man to sweep them off their feet.  A man who will work hard and pay the bills and do the yard work while their sweet little wife is cooking dinner.  The man who tells you every day (or at least every other!  ha) how lucky he is and treats you like you ARE his very own little pincess in a world gone so crazy! 

Do you know those girls? 

Anyone like that?

Maybe you ARE one of those girls.

no.  I'm not.
I won't allow myself.
I can't.

You see.... even as a teenager I didn't do very well with anyone else making my decisions for me.  At 17 - I packed up the few clothes I had and off I take care of ME and make my OWN decisions. 
And there I have been ever since.
I had a baby.
chose NOT to get married.
I've had apartments.
I bought a house.
I go to work every day.
I pay the bills.
I do the yard work.
I buy my own cars.
I take care of me and mine.
It's what I do.
It's who I am......
It's ALL I know.

I'm not saying all my decisions have been GOOD decisions... but the thing is - NOW when I screw up - it's because I screwed up.  It's on MY hands.  No one elses.  No one else GETS the opportunity to hurt me.  No one else can let me down.

Sure .... there ARE days when I want SO BAD to be that starry eyed teenage girl that LOVES with everything in my soul.... to believe THIS guy is the one.  THIS guy is different.  THIS guy is the one who will finally see me for who I am and love me till I die.  But the truth is...... no one ever has before.  At least not until it's too late and the damage is done and the love has died.  And I'm 34.  And it seems the older we get, the further and further love is from reality.  Everything just gets more and more complicated.
And other things get in the way.
Other things are more important.
Other things get all the attention...
Past relationships.
Trying to right all the wrongs from before.
Trying to do things "different" this time.
they always get in the way.

No one LIVES on love anymore......not at my age.  No one thinks THAT is enough.  THAT is all I need.  Just to love and be loved.  But it's never enough.  All the baggage gets in the way... it becomes the focus and the love dies somewhere on the side of the road on your pathway to happiness.

Someone took my starry eyes long ago.... and I can't find them anymore.
Some days I hate myself for being who I am and what I've become.


singedwingangel said...

OH sweetie I swear if I didn't know any better you had been abused as a child. This is the exact attitude of those of us in the sister hood. You deserve that kind of love that will put the stars back in your eys not because they want something but because you deserve it. God wrote about his love for you and his absolute aw at the beauty and perfection he made you to be. Look in the mirror and see what he sees. Beautiful, smart, loved, a princess, wise, kind, his beloved. find yourself so buried in your love affair with God that the right man will come there to find you. Yes they do exist..I promise

StephieB said...

I get what you're saying! I still want to believe THAT KIND OF LOVE is out there, but as every day goes by... it's harder to think it actually exists! <3

Tami G said...

oh Angel - You are so kind! :) It's not that I don't think I deserve it - it's that I think I deserve too much some times because what I want, what I think I deserve... I don't think it exists :( And it makes me mad at me for WANTING.. Does that make sense? I feel like everyone my age is so focused on OTHER things, that love gets put on the back burner .. and I WANT to be someone's everything.. but I'm jaded. I refuse to believe that's possible anymore :(
And it breaks me heart....
I still LOVE with everything I have.. THAT is who I am. I just shut myself down from expecting anything back :(

Yes - Steph - you are right. and the older you get... the more you believe that. J.A.D.E.D. grrrrr. it's just frustrating - that's what it is.

Shell said...

It's a part of being realistic, though. Especially with having your son to think of, too- you couldn't really let yourself be one of those starry-eyed girls. But, I hope you find the love you deserve!

Thanks for linking up!

Meeko Fabulous said...

Gosh do I ever agree. I always want to take those girls and burst their bubbles . . . LoL

Chantele said...

Oh how nice it was to be one of those girls!

This is a great, deep post.

New follower via PYHO.

leigh said...

Read this book...

The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.

It's all there, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. It's all within you and the sooner you love every single aspect of yourself (even the jaded parts) the sooner you will let the love that you desire in.

I'm going to pray for your weary heart.

Ink Spiller said...

I recognize myself in your post way too much.

It gets to the point you just stop expecting anything from anybody and you just rely on yourself because you've learned that you're the only one who doesn't disappoint....

What strikes me though about you is that you have an enormous respect for yourself and your own capability. Not a lot of people have that. It's something to value.

Double Wide Mom said...

Thank you, my friend for inviting me to read this post that is directly from your heart. It takes guts sometimes to "pour your heart out." You are precious to me.

Holly said...

Hey lady! I am so happy to be here. I tried to log on and maybe blogger was messing with me but they told me that you blog was invitation only...I thought you left me in the dust!

But you are. This is a wonderful post filled with joy, frustration, and all. I can feel everything you are writing. I am completley jaded but try to overcome that. I think you need to keep one foot in the clouds and one foot on the ground to make it through life. Did that make any did in my head! Trust are strong and amazing!