Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Men ARE from MaRs - WE are the sane ones!!!

{I originally posted this last night - but then I was told *cough cough* REALIZED that it might have come off a bit harsh.... so please allow me to explain}
After dating many different types of men and watching my friends go through many different sorts of break ups and heart aches and just stupid stupid fights... I feel that I am somewhat of an expert  (experienced ASS HAT as Daffy would say!!  muahhh) on just exactly HOW DIFFERENT men and women ARE!!!!!!!!
I mean - it's a wonder that ANYONE ever gets married and even MORE of a miracle that anyone STAYS married!  I mean REALLY!!??

You know my friends and I have had talk after talk after talk about how great we are as women. When we as women love - we love hard. It's how we're built. We just LOVE granted - it's hard to GET US to love......but once we do, we give it our all.  We are built that way.  We don't "half-ass" anything.   {{ROAR!}}

Now granted, coming out of the gate we are cold and closed off and ...... yes.......I admit it..... a wee bit blunt, honest and well.....just plain out bitchy!!!

BUT - (listen up guys) with women - here's the secret.
Once you have us - you HAVE US.
Once we open the door, and we let you in.... you have us.
But make note - the thing is.....once that door is OPEN and we're IN - women change.
YES I said it!!!! WE CHANGE!!!!!!!
but GUESS WHAT....
We change for the BETTER.
WE love you MORE and our lives become about you..... there is nothing that makes us happier than to feel needed and wanted so we try to help, and we try to be there and we learn all your hobbies and your interests and suddenly they become interests of ours too!  We have hopes and dreams and visions of our future together.....It's just what we do.

We are WOMEN - and we FREAKING ROCK!!!!!!!!

Ladies ladies ladies.......
WHY do we do this?????
because - here's the TWIST!!!!!!
once we change...
Men change too!
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT - they have now gone from pursuing us and loving us and "liking what we like" to NOW suddenly not having time for "our stuff" anymore. Suddenly there are a million things going on in their lives and our stuff and the pursuit just isn't interesting anymore.

The tables have turned.
THIS is what we call DATING???????????

Word to the wise boys......we LOVE you - we will NOT STOP loving you - but we NEED TO KNOW you still WANT us!  Once we let ourselves fall for you - we need to know our loyalty and love doesn't go unanswered.
This is where one of the differences in men and women comes into play.

Men get comfortable (which for them is a good thing)  They quit trying to impress, they quit opening doors, they quit ... well - for lack of better words.... they quit TRYING.
Women however, once we are comfortable, we revolve EVERYTHING around our man.  Schedules, work, fun stuff (which is usually what HE does for fun).  We literally become like our man's very own little cheerleaders. 
*NOTE - I am NOT for one second suggesting or condoning losing our OWN identities.  You must still maintain other friendships and interests.  I'm not pressing you to that extreme.  Just pointing out that EVEN in our OWN lives... friendships... activities, our man is SOMEHOW incorporated.  BECAUSE WE LOVE HARD......and OPEN and HONESTLY.  ALL THE TIME.
The problem ensues when we KEEP ON loving and trying and building and growing (not because we HAVE to - but because we are women and we are genetically programmed to WANT to make happy those we love) but at the same time, our MEN have grown comfortably numb at ease.  So they quit trying and impressing.  NOT because they quit loving (sometimes) but more because that's how THEY love.  (BLAH)  So as women, we feel like we are doing all the work and getting nothing in return.
So we eventually shut down.

Imagine are building a's the best house EVAH... it's free and it makes you smile and all you have to do is show up every day and do just a little bit of work on it.  You show up day after day after day, but every day when you show up - it seems the work you did the day before is somehow undone.  No worries though.... you're happy and you LOVE this house and you have SUCH BIG DREAMS and HOPES for the future.  So you keep showing up and you keep working and building.  Days, weeks, months go by and you keep showing up.  But one day, months or maybe even years later, you arrive and you realize, all your work is getting you nowhere.  YOu love that house and you REALLY want it - but somehow your work is going un-noticed and in vain.   So one day... maybe you show up.... but you just don't really feel like doing much work.  You piddle around and you look at that house and all it's potential... but - ehhhh - it's just not worth it anymore. 
Then one day, you just stop showing up!

This is what we do to our relationships.
Not just in dating - but in marriage too!   One of us builds, the other one just goes along on the ride.  Eventually that worker is gonna stop building.
Then what?
You never really fell OUT of just GAVE UP on love and quit trying.
men because you get comfortable.
and women because we work in vain.

I tell you all of this as a simple reminder.....
in a relationship or in a marriage - I CHALLENGE you as women, to keep doing the work.  Love hard.  If you know your man loves you, do the work.  It ultimately IS what makes us happy.
But MEN - I challenge you to do some work yourselves.  Don't just sit around getting comfortable assuming that we know you appreciate us and we KNOW you are happy.  We do need you to tell us.  We aren't mind readers either ;-)

And ultimately - we need to remember to be prepared to accept.....if it isn't worth the WORK - then HE isn't worth your time!

**sidenote:  I did write this from a women's point of view - it is possible for the roles to be reversed.  Just sayin......  Sometimes women can be pretty harsh and sometimes the man becomes the one doing all the work that goes unnoticed.

I recently ran across this list of things to look out for. A list of things or ways to KNOW that this is not the man (OR woman) for you.
I thought I would share it - first of all to all the singles as a warning; a list of ways to KNOW you are with the wrong person OR maybe the right person at the wrong time. But regardless.... a simple list of things to know it's time to move on.

"your building IN VAIN"

1. You have a list of things he needs to stop doing/saying/wearing if he wants your relationship to work. If you're fixating on his flaws, he's either not the one you want or you're not ready for a serious relationship. Cutting him loose allows you time to grow and gives you the opportunity to meet a guy whose flaws you can embrace -- or at least accept. (KNOW that you will have to grow old with this person if you intend to spend the rest of your lives together......if you are judging him now, what will you judge him on 50 years from now?)

2. You don't trust him. A small dose of jealousy can be healthy, but if you're hacking into his email account, and going berserk when he goes out without you, something's wrong. If there's something about him that truly warrants your distrust, then perhaps he's not the right one for you. (and the worst part about this one is there ARE guys (and women) out there that will PUSH your buttons to MAKE YOU crazy jealous... they intentionally PUSH US to question their every move......I think that is an insecurity issue!)

3. You avoid conflict at any cost. Fighting is healthy. And, when done right (in the non-accusatory, rational sort of way), it can be a great way to air grievances, fix problems in your relationship, and come to a deeper understanding of each other. Ignoring problems is not the same as having no problems at all... even if it looks that way, it will never FEEL that way. (Ignoring problems or even worse, not feeling comfortable enough to be HONEST to talk about your problems and about how you are feeling or what is bothering you will ultimately drive you crazy! If even one of you doesn't take things problem will ever be really solved.)

4. When you're sad, you don't turn to him for comfort. When you're a giant ball of tears and snot, do you lock yourself into the bathroom so he can't see you at your worst? Or do you run to someone else? If you're worried about scaring him away, one of you isn't ready for total commitment. Mr. Right should make you smile through your tears and be a calming, not stressful, presence, NOT someone who makes you feel stupid or guilty for feeling the way you feel.

5. One of you is struggling with an addiction. He's sweet. He's exciting. He loves you very much. But he loves his alcohol habit or his weekly gambling fix more. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can change him or that your relationship will be strong enough to withstand the heartache that addiction will inevitably bring. An addict may be able to change, but he'll do so on his own terms.

6. You can't really imagine him as the father of your children. Ask yourself: Would he make a great parent? Is he financially responsible? Would he be an equal partner in your future together? If you have doubts, he's probably not the one.

7. Your long-term, non-negotiable goals in life are incompatible. You want kids; he doesn't. You go to church every week; he's an atheist. He lives in the country and doesn't want to move; you can't imagine ever leaving the city. Superficial differences can be overcome, but differences in basic values are harder to smooth over. Ask yourself: "Would I be willing to compromise on this?" If the answer is absolutely not, you may not be right for each other. (Ladies - DON'T compromise on WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!!! There will be a man who loves you for YOU. He won't try to change you and he won't make you feel inferior for what you believe or how you were raised or whatever you consider your flaws or weaknesses to be....he should embrace them and love them, just as you should love his. and IF you can't.... walk away!)

8. You don't respect each other. He puts you down in front of your friends and complains about you to his parents. You roll your eyes when he talks because there's just something about him that embarrasses you. A relationship without respect can't sustain itself. (If he doesn't respect you from day 1 - THIS WILL NOT CHANGE! And without RESPECT, you have nothing. You must look at each other with grateful thankful trusting respectful eyes.... if you don't look at each other in that light. Move on. And ladies, trust me - you can not truly HAVE respect for a man who treats you with NO respect. Don't fight it and don't keep trying!)

9. You're not attracted to him. Physical intimacy is a hugely important component of a romantic relationship. If he doesn't do it for you, he's probably not your best long-term match. (need I say more?!)

10. On paper he seems great, but you have this strange feeling... Don't ignore your gut. You may get along on a superficial level, but if your instincts are telling you he's not the one for you, listen. That little voice inside your head does not lie. (doubts = something is not right. Period)

I said all of this to say this:

Ladies - don't sell yourself short. Don't date a man just to date a man, and more importantly, once you are dating a man and you have doubts or questions.... talk about it with him. If you can't talk to him or its something that you don't want to or can't compromise on, then walk away. And if he isn't willing to TALK about it - and I mean really talk and care and not blow it off or make jokes - he isn't worth your time.
We deserve a prince.
We deserve to be treated with love, respect and adoration.....
and if you aren't getting it after 6 months - you SURE won't be getting it after 6 years.
We preach this all day long to our girlfriends - but sometimes, we forget to preach it to ourselves!!

And guys - if you meet a girl that rocks your world. Don't take her for granted. Don't change and suddenly put us on the backburner because I promise you - there is a point where we will shut down. And there is no going back. there IS a point of no return. We may sell ourselves short and stick around for a while, but the love and adoration and respect will gradually fade.

We ARE breakable.


Meeko Fabulous said...

You should submit this somewhere! It's spot freakin' on!!! said...

ok this is AWESOME! I love it love it love it and just forwarded your blog to my hubby and my best friend :)

I totally agree with Meeko - you should submit this one!


Moooooog35 said...

I was going to read this but it looked like a lot of blah blah blah so I just fast forwarded down here and, well, here you go.

You're welcome.

Shell said...

Totally fabulous! Should be required dating/marriage reading!

Thanks for linking up!

Ink Spiller said...

You know, I wish someone would have shown me this when I was in my early adult life, before I got married! It's absolutely spot on!

Tracie said...

I need to read this about 17 years ago. :(

Matty said...

I have to agree with everything here. You are right on each account.