Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I'm feeling kinda "Holey"

I feel a bit "HOLEY" as of late.
What's that you ask?!!
Oh.... mostly just full of holes... voids... pieces missing... like a jigsaw puzzle that people keep stealing pieces out of until you can no longer tell what the picture used to be....

My son and only child turned 17 this week.  17!!!  That means that this time next year, he will be an "adult" (according to the state of KY - not necessarily according to ME!).  He will be venturing out of my home and off to college and step by step on to his way of discovering himself .... "who he is"... the man he's gonna be.
OH - there are so many swells of pride in me!!  I'm so proud of the man he's becoming.  I'm so proud of his spirit and his heart and his passion and his tender caring nature.  I'm so proud that he WANTS to be something... that he WANTS to go to college.... I'm so proud that he's actually worried that he doesn't know yet exactly what he "wants to be when he grows up".  I'm so proud that he is giving... that he is selfless.... that he genuinely WANTS to do the right thing (though I know at 17 that doesn't always happen!!)   Oh I'm so proud of the man he is growing in to!!!!!
I am lucky!!
I am blessed!
and I am ohhhhhhh so VERY thankful!!

BUT - here's where I get holey......

He's growing up on me......

Then what?!!

So he leaves... he goes off to college.... and it's just me.
I've been a SINGLE MOM for all of my adult life.   That's me.
Tammy the "single mom" and her son Z.  It's who I am.  It's what I know.

And then he leaves.....
And it's just me. 

Now - don't get me wrong - I know that I am still his MOM and there will be different hurdles to cross as he becomes an adult too.  But.... ya know - it's different.
And honestly....
I'm scared
and holey... already.

And it's a year away.

The other part is this:

I often get really sad when i see couples... having their first baby... and I'm doing their first ultrasound.
They are so sweet.... and happy.... and in love.... and doing something together - that frankly - I never had!!
I am VERY happy for my patients... and it overwhelms me sometimes the joy that a couple shares in that moment....
because you see......   I never had that.
...thus the term "single" parent.
Z's dad has been a part of his life and, for the most part - I'm thankful for that.
But he and I were never married.
And I was young....
And alone....
And I did it all myself.  (with the help of a loving family and great friends to keep me sane!)  ha

And while I'm THANKFUL for the strong independent woman I am today....
I guess the shared joy of bringing a baby into this world with your soulmate, is just a blessing that I missed out on....
And as Z walks away from me to stand on his own two feet
I'm left standing....
closer and closer to 40 and truthfully - physically UNABLE to have another child.
And it becomes more and more of a reality - that once he's gone - my ship has sailed for the husband and the baby and shared joys of ultrasounds and little tiny baby feet and 3 am feedings.

And it becomes more about no longer HAVING a choice
and less about being able to MAKE the choice.

Don't get me wrong.
Life has been VERY good to me.
And I am VERY thankful for all the blessings I've been given... I know that I am unworthy of them all.

But at the same time.... sometimes, I just feel holey.
Today is just one of those days...... or weeks.... or something like that.....

 It's been a while since I've poured my heart out.  Too worried about the people that read my blog that shouldn't......   but whatever.
It's more for the people who do and SHOULD!  :)
So I'm linking up today........

Also - I'm begging you - I DO know that there are women out there that want a baby with all of their being and can't get pregnant.... I understand your pain - I do and I know I'm lucky and blessed to have a child of my own.   Please don't judge me while I'm being all whiny and holey.



Amiyrah said...

No one's going to judge you for being whiny, especially on Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday :). You are a brave woman for doing such a great job as a single mother. My Husband was raised by a single mother and I have such appreciation for the ones raising sons. It's a hard job but a great Mom raises a man who knows how an independent and strong woman should be; a woman he should be looking for when the time comes.

Don't be sad about him getting older. It just means that you will be able to see how great of an adult he will be, and the journey he will take to find out what his purpose is in life. And you'll know that the 18 years he was with you molded him into the man he will turn out to be.

I wrote for PYHO this week too. I hope you can check out my post :)

Shell said...

Next year will be a big change- can't blame you for thinking about it and feeling a little sad at the changes to come. xo