Thursday, October 27, 2011

One year later... where are we now?!

I started this post back in August - on my real one year anniversary.  But life has been happening and I never got back around to finishing it.....  so I thought I would start here.  I've been gone so long.  I've gotten on so many times and typed and typed away.  Then just couldn't get myself to post.  Someone recently pointed out to me, that when blogging is your creative outlet, you must blog through the BAD too - not just the GOOD times....

So forgive me dear friends for #1 - being gone so long.  But also #2 for taking you down the dark sad lonely road that I am traveling

A year ago (actually barely over a year) I walked down an aisle...
to marry my best friend ...
and start a life together with a man that I had waited my whole life for.
And you have to understand  - THIS was HUGE for me....  I had dated plenty before.  I had been engaged before.  But nothing ever seemed right before.   Until this man.   This man was a preacher.  He had a church.  He was a great father.  He had a HUGE heart and big dreams and he was traveling down a road that ran parallel to mine.  I fully believed God made him for me.  I believed God brought us together.  We were good for each other.  Seriously, the yin to his yang!!!!  and vice versa!!    I posted THIS (about how I tripped and met this boy) ..  and I posted THIS (about how fast it snuck up on me)  and finally THIS (that first kiss)....

Then I posted THIS..... a little piece of me and my writing.  And a glimpse into me and my soulmate.  And the journey I felt life had brought us through and held in store for us....... THIS is one of my all time favorite writings.  I even printed it out in color and pasted it word by word on a black background and framed it for Adam for valentines day... our story.   It ended up in the trunk of his car and mildewed.....

So anyway - I watched hopes and dreams come to reality.
I knew what life had in store for us.
WE had hopes and dreams and plans and I could NOT have been any happier!

I had found my soul mate and knew that life would only get BETTER from here!

BOY WAS I WRONG!!!!!!!

Life is hard..... but marriage is even harder.
Even harder as it turns out, when you marry a man who still holds onto previous mistakes or failures and lives every day constantly trying to prove something to someone or win some sort of imaginary game that he's the only one keeping score of.... and when it turns out when you marry a man of God who turns his back on God and the promises he made to you in front of a God he used to love so much... and when it turns out that when you marry a man who never looks at you as a first priority in his life.... and when it turns out your willing to deal with issues and go to counseling and do everything you can to get past the "differences"  and he tells you that's a bunch of crap.....well it turns out that no matter how strong of a woman you are and no matter how much faith you have, you just can't hold a marriage together on your own.
So he left
Because he wasn't willing to fight
I guess he's fighting too many other battles right now to fight for that vow he took barely over a year ago.  I finally realized I was the only one fighting that battle.
And it hurts
And all I can do is pray for him

And just like that... my story ended.

6 comments:

Shell said...

Oh girl. This gave me the chills. B/c I read your love story.I was so happy for you.

But you are right- you can't hold it together on your own.

Sending prayers.

Angela said...

It must have been very difficult for you to share this, and you were brave to do so. I'm sorry to hear of your tough time. Life changes, ideals change, dreams change and sometimes you just have to let go... My thoughts are with you...

Ink Spiller said...

Oh dear Tamy, I must say that I didn't expect your fairytale to take this turn.

My thoughts are with you!

Scope said...

Tammy, your story didn't end. Only this chapter has ended. You have a big heart, and plenty of story left to tell.

I so sorry that you are where you are, but as someone who had given up completely on "happily ever after", I can 100% promise you that it does exist. It is out there. And I hope you find it.

Stacey said...

Sorry to hear this, Tammy. I hope and pray he finds his way back down the right path. Hugs for you.

Cora said...

I'm so very, very sorry to hear that. But you're right, if he's too busy fighting his own demons from the past to appreciate what he has in the present, then there's nothing you can do. There's something much better waiting for you out there. You'll find it, I just KNOW it.

((((hugs))))