Monday, October 31, 2011

Setting Fire

If you're going to be offended by my true honest open RAW feelings - then I suggest you close this blog right now and walk away.  Because today is NOT a good day.  It's not hopeful and warm and fuzzy and reminiscent.  It is instead...... HONEST and REAL.
Tonight I am cleansing and closing the door.   This is where it gets real.

As a little girl, just like every little girl, I grew up dreaming of the day my daddy walked me down an aisle and gave my hand to the man I chose to walk through the rest of my life with... to the man my dad would trust with my heart because he knew I had already given it to him.  The man that my daddy would know had proved to me would stand by my side through thick and thin, good times and bad, and all the no matter what's - because my daddy raised me to believe in marriage.  I was raised with such a foundation that I waited....I WAITED till I found just the right man to give my hand to and make that promise to.  The man that looked at me in my eyes and said I can't imagine life without you.  The man that said I'm better WITH you than without you.  The man that I knew no matter what would be my biggest fan.  I waited for that.
And that day came.  And my daddy walked me down the aisle and put my hand in the hand of a man who took all of that away from me.

Now - don't get me wrong, I have definitely made my share of mistakes.  I HAVE made mistakes.  Big ones.
But marriage.... that to me was never anything with room for error.  Ever.  Not that its not possible to make a mistake, because I get that it is.   But in my eyes, once you make that promise, once you take that vow, once you stand in front of God and family and friends and commit your life to another human being, {{Matthew 19:6 - Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.}} that to me is one of the most important decisions you make in life.  Period.
And I always always always took that decision to heart.  Always.

So as much thought and care and consideration and anticipation as I put into that day - not in the dress, or the place, or the date, or the flowers.... but the years of thought and waiting and patience and looking and praying for the right man... and the right time.   No I didn't expect everything to be perfect, but I did expect to be able to trust that when a man, a Christian, God fearing man looked at me and said "I take you Tammy to be my lawfully wedded wife... to have and to hold till death do us part" that he was for real.  Because where I'm from, when you make a promise and you tell someone that you love them and you still love them, it's something worth fighting for.
Apparently when there is something that you love and cling to more than the woman you married, whatever that might be, the new wife can only hold things together alone for so long and take so much before she is completely and utterly broken.

The day I dreamed of has come and gone and the memories from it have been tainted and destroyed.  And for that - I can only thank the man who told me that me and our marriage are not worth fighting for anymore.

....today I am angry
and I give.
(tomorrow is a new day - and I'll be fine) 
 

4 comments:

Ink Spiller said...

Anger is good at this stage...

Scope said...

It's sad that people can be so caught up in the past or whatever that they are blind to what's right in front of them.

ANivens said...

It's so weird how these blog entries are exactly the words that I wanted to say not so long ago. Our situations are so eerily similar. Now you know that you are touching people whether you know it or not! ME! Thanks for sharing and God bless.

BUS and MUG said...

you have a great blog ill happy follow all post and keep contact follow each other ?