Monday, April 26, 2010

~ I hope you find your perspective ~ I had lost mine ~

Finding my perspective in life sometimes poses a big challenge for me.
I don't know what has been up with me lately, but I seem to have fallen into some sort of pit that I could NOT climb out of.  And the worst part is once I was there and comfy... I proceeded to pull in any negative attitude I could find and roll around with all my past mistakes and current issues in my life.  Me and my bad attitude and serious serious pity party.... yeah - we bonded down there.
BUT - like I have said a million times, God will never give you more than you can handle and when you think you have hit rock bottom and things just can't get any worse, they will.....just to remind you when you hit rock bottom -JUST to REMIND you God is in control.


Last night was a rock bottom for me.......
I have been down and out and struggling with some personal issues for some time.  But last night my poor brother made a comment to me that normally would have just rolled right off my back.  But last night, it couldn't.  After days and days of building my arsenal all around me...and after a million small things that I had mounded up... I needed just one more tiny event for it to all crumble around.  And crumble it did.
I won't go into the details of what's going on with me, (or the heap of a mess of tears that I turned into) but I will tell you that I can't recall many times in my life when I have felt so insignificant or small or alone.
Well OF COURSE I felt alone, I have been so busy digging my own personal pit that I had pushed everyone else away....outta MY pit.
My mother reminded me last night....it's times like these, when we are at our lowest that we need our family and friends the most.  And as always......she is SO right.  I was IN NEED on this night.  Of prayer, of love, of companionship, and most of all - of GOD.  (cause I pushed him outta my pit too!)

My family was there as always... to pick up my pieces and tell me that everything is gonna be alright.
One of my best friends was there....to listen to me whine and cry and tell me everything is gonna be alright.
I want to thank God for my family and for all the people that God has put in my life - they were there to remind me WHO to turn to.
Just like always.... when WE fail, God always provides a means to know HE is still in control if only we will stop fighting against him and just let HIM call the shots.  His plan is always so much better than our own anyway - WHY do I fight so hard to do everything MY way?  WHY?!

Today - God cursed blessed me with a lovely little migraine to keep my butt in bed.  The even better part is with a migraine - you can't stand any noise, AND you can't sleep.  So I spent A LOT of time laying in my bed today awake...in silence... thinking... praying... confessing....crying.
And then after a big talk with my Preacher T, I realized that words are only WORDS until you bring them to life.
& the only way to do that is.....FAITH.
Where was my faith?
But even more importantly........where is my faith NOW?!!!

I was so busy focusing on all the things gone "wrong" in my life... and not just the things gone wrong - but the things that weren't working themselves out in MY TIME, that I didn't trust that God has a plan.  So I took them all back AGAIN and thought I could fix them myself.
Tammy Tammy Tammy.... when will you learn??????

So now, as I sit here typing typing away.... I'm sharing with you - everyone out there.......I handed all this crap over to God.  All the worry, all the fret, all the feelings of insignificance and all the tears.
I can't promise you that I will NEVER cry again....but I can promise you this - with the reigns in God's hands, there will be no tears over being a failure.  God doesn't create failures.

I will trust that the people in my life are here for reason.
I will trust that when I need them - there they shall be.  Not to save me because I'm a failure, but to help me because God sent them.
At the same time, I promise to be the same for them.

So at church last night, the choir did a special....I looked this song up because it really hit home with me.  I am BEGGING you to please take the time to listen........I mean REALLY listen.  Go somewhere quiet and sit alone and really listen to the words to this song......
Especially from the perspective of a mother... can you imagine the faith Mary HAD TO HAVE??!!

How could a night be so long......but THEN CAME THE MORNING.

Tonight I go to bed with that on my mind.... after a long sorrowful self inflicted torturous night, I will go to bed knowing......there WILL be the morning.

7 comments:

Ninnie said...

Tammy,
I am going through the same thing and for about a year now. I'm sorry u r. this blog helped me think. I will read it again later and Im sure again after that. I have a lot of fences to mend because of my "pit" and I think that is worse than the pit itself.....or is it? I wish I could get a grip on the getting God back in my life. Seems once I left a couple years ago it has become easier to stay away. I hope yer feeling better and I'm glad u have someone like Adam who can just say it how it is and somehow his boldness is helpful.

Erin said...

I am so sorry for everything you have been struggling with, but I'm so glad you have family and friends rallying around and lifting you up. You are NEVER alone.

I hope your sun will shine again soon. Hang in there and old on tight. You will get through this!

jayayceeblog said...

Went through a time like this myself once and found the thing that really helped me change my attitude was a Gratitude Journal. Kept a blank journal on my nightstand and every night before I could lay down, I had to write 5 things in it that I was grateful for that day. Many days it was the same things ... the sun shining, my sweet dogs ... whatever. I found that I started focusing on the positive every day because I was seriously searching for 5 positive things to write down. Helped me a lot ... prayers for you!!!

Meeko Fabulous said...

I'll have to listen to this when I get home from work, but hey . . . You know that little song that says, "the sun will come out tomorrow . . . bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow . . . there'll be sun". :) Just keep smiling. It can only get better, right? :)

Deidra Faith said...

Wow. I needed this. All of it...cause that's where I am...and I feel stuck. So THANK YOU!!!

Helene said...

This is such a beautifully written post! When all else fails, the best thing to do is stop and spend time in prayer. I often forget to do that until I hit rock bottom, as well.

Thanks for the follow...I'm following you now too!

Working Mommy said...

I have been there...rock bottom and I used to be good friends. I have crawled out a few times and tried to avoid it...but sometimes you need to hit before you can truly appreciate what you have right in front of you!!