Pour your Heart Out

I'm linking up with Shell today over at things I can't say.
This is a first for me - so bear with me....
been kinda emotional this week so there is NO TELLING where this post will take us!
HA!

Here are the Rules:

Write a post from the heart.
Something that has been weighing on you.
Something you feel passionately about.
Something you've been wanting to talk about.
A cause, a memory, a belief, a world view.
Anything.

Grab my new button for your post and link up!

Warning from Shell:

I hate that I even have to say this, but, whether you are participating or just reading, please keep in mind that the people linking really are sharing something from the heart. So, please, BE RESPECTFUL. We might not agree with each other, but we can all accept someone's right to have a different opinion than we do and NOT attack someone because of this. Play nice. :)

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For those of you who don't know this about me, I'm a single mother to a teenage boy.
His father and I were never married and in fact split within weeks of baby Z being born.  His father has essentially been non-existent aside from visitation time at HIS convenience.

It's always been me and Z. 

Period.

 

Recently I read a post over at Leigh v. Laundry regarding whether or not she wanted more children (to try for a girl to be specific).
It was truly truly a post from the heart...and it made me feel brave enough to share my thoughts on the subject.

Actually - they are not thoughts - they are questions......that I have yet to answer.

 

My son will be 15 in May.  15.  I can hardly believe it.  There are days when I just sit back and let the years wash over me.  I can't believe how fast the time has gone.  Being that I was 18 when Z was born, we have essentially grown up together.  Me because I HAD to... and him because... well - he's been the man of my house since he was born!!  As time passes, I get more and MORE freaked out.  I look at his sweet little innocent face right now and I truly fear for him to get older.  Yes he's had some great years as a child - but at the same time, there are days when I feel like having him at such a young age required so much unfair maturity out of him, that I feel like I robbed him of some of his carefree childhood!  =(

At the same time, with it being just me and him - he has wanted for nothing.  The child IS definitely SPOILED to the core.  Some days I worry that the REAL world will run him over when he gets out on his own....  and that scares the CRAP outta me for him.

 

BUT - here is where my issues come in.

Being that I'm {almost} 34 - and NEVER been married, people ask me ALL THE TIME......"Do you think you will have more children?"  When Z was little, I always hoped that I would.  I hoped that my Prince would finally come and we would have children together and Z would fit right into the fairytale.

But now - he's 15.

and i'm {dreading} 34.  and STILL not married.

Thus ensues the question.....

 

DO I want more children?

 

YES - there are days that I think back to how hard life has been being a single mommy.  I never had a daddy at home to help with feeding or changing OR celebrating milestones in Z's life.  No one was there to hold my hand before, during or AFTER child birth to tell me..... Yes Tammy - everything will be ok.  No one kissed me and told me how beautiful I was or how LUCKY we were.  I missed all the intimacy and closeness of watching our child grow together.  So YES - there ARE days that I long to experience all of those things with someone.  I feel like I was somehow cheated of all those things.

On the flip side though - I'm one of the strongest most independant women you will ever meet.  I love my baby boy and everything that came with him.  Baseball.  Basketball.  Race Cars.  Wrestling.  His first home run!  All those things I got to experience with him.  I wouldn't trade them for the world.

 

There are also days when I long for a baby girl.  The frills and lace, the barbies and baby dolls.  All the things that I didn't get to do with Z.  I know I was a holy terror as a little girl, but I'm my mother's only daughter and there are just some bonds that no matter how hard you push against - you just can't break.

~I miss the daughter I may never have.~

On the flip side - did I mention I was a holy terror.  and that I was preganant at 18 and almost didn't graduate high school?  OHhhhhhhhhhh  - my poor poor mother

*Sidenote:  I PRAYED for a boy when I found out I was pregnant!*

 

There is also a selfish part of me some days that thinks "I have raised my child.  I'm done!"  Why in the world when he is 15 would I want to start ALL OVER AGAIN????????

 

Insert Preacher T

...with him comes 2 precious little girls...

so there is a part of me that thinks this could be God's way of giving me the family that I wasn't able to have on my own.

And most of the time - I feel so blessed and lucky and THANKFUL!!!!

 

However... there are still those days when I look at T and long to see a baby with OUR eyes...OUR smile and surrounded by a bond that I never had the luxury of sharing with anyone..

 

I try not to dwell on it too much because I know God has a plan and HE knows what's best.

But the thoughts of it sometimes overwhelm me more than anyone could ever imagine and more than most people will ever know!

 

So when people say  "Do you think you'll have any more children?"  I politely smile and say "ya never know?!"  and walk away wondering....