Tuesday, March 8, 2011

While I was OUTTA here... {Part 2}

Yesterday - I gave you the low down on my trip
Today - I am going to share with you - WHAT I have learned over the past week...
about me...
about my husband...
about marriage..about life... about ... did I mention....MARRIAGE....
and most importantly - about ME!
{I guess because sharing my flaws and mis-haps somehow makes it worth it?}

for those of you who have or haven't noticed... I have been somewhat absent from blog land for a bit.  Mostly I have been somewhat absent from life land for a bit.
{In other words... to spell it out.... I have pretty much been a here in my own world having a pity party...  what??}  

This trip to Florida that I just took was much needed for more reasons than you can even imagine.
School and life have been kicking my butt.
NOT in a bad way... I am in no way complaining.  Life is good and I know just how lucky I am to be able to have the opportunities and joys that I have had in the past year.

Oddly enough... as MUCH as I needed that trip and the time that T and I got to spend together... it was AWESOME.....
We talked and I felt things I haven't felt in months...


When I got in my car Saturday morning to head back home... I was overcome with a RUSH of emotions.  I didn't understand.  I had just spent some really good quality time with my husband.  We talked, we laughed, we shared.... it was great.  So I couldn't understand why pulling out of the great state of Florida, I was suddenly overcome with this enormous SADNESS.
ok - YES - I was sad to be leaving the beach
and - YES - I was sad to be leaving Preacher T behind...
but we've been apart before.  And for a longer period of time.  No real need for a break down here.
Yet - I could not stop crying...
and I could not make that weird feeling go away....

I drove and drove (and believe me I had plenty of time) and I replayed conversations and feelings and scenarios over and over in my head.   And every time with tears to follow....
I couldn't decide if this was some premonition of something bad to come?
or tears of joy?
or if I was really just that sad to go home????
It was SO weird because we DID have some really good time together and I was overflowing with love..... and yet.. tears??!!

Then many many hours into the journey and LOTS of thinking in.... I think I was just overcome with a true sense of really loving and being loved.
I don't know how to really put that into words.
But I'm gonna try.

Every little girl dreams of being married.  We dream of finding that man to make all our dreams come true and make us smile every day.  (No pressure there men!!)  We dream of being swept away in some romantic love story that never stops.  We picture fairy tales.  And I am no different.
And honestly... from the moment Preacher T and I started dating - it WAS just that ~a fairy tale~  It was more perfect than I ever imagined.  Which was great, because I think at that point in our lives, we BOTH needed something surreal... something GREAT... to open our eyes and a love to really believe in.
And T gave me that.

And then real life and all the things that come with "real life" marriage kicked me in the butt!
Not in a bad way mind you.... it was just a reality I never knew...

So the past few months I have spent analyzing and agonizing over where we went wrong.
because our so called marriage in my mind was not what I thought it should be.

This week I learned that I tend to get in MY OWN way!!!

and I think my journey home and the meltdown of tears was my body and mind's way of truly letting my husband in.  It was a security and a comfort that I had been missing.  Because you see, although we have been married over 6 months now... maybe I was still scared.  No matter how much he says it and how many times he shows it, I think I was still waiting to be hurt
I am a BAD BAD person  :(
not by choice... I didn't wake up and "decide" to hold him out.
but somewhere deep down... I think I did.
I think I let him in before we were married, but only so far.  And on our wedding day, he's in.  And THEN, life didn't give me what I expected and I knocked him back out.

Without going into too much detail... this week, I basically told my husband I felt numb.  I felt broken.  I felt like a failure.  I have literally nitpicked our marriage to pieces.  I have.
Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying.  I LOVE T with all my heart and I have no doubt in his love for me.  I think I had this vision in my head of what life would be like and when it wasn't - I shut down.  As much as T and I are alike in so many ways, we are also different in that many ways too.
And living together.... and making those compromises... I guess I have just been afraid that "i'm doing it wrong"
Defense mechanism (unfair!) - go numb and stop trying.

Fast-forward past all that negative crap.  This past week, when we truly talked.... I said some things... and they were HARD to say....  And T said some things... and they were HARD to hear
But in the end.... those butterflies that I felt when I walked down the aisle to share my life FOREVER with the man that I love came GUSHING back!
This week of me simply focusing on the love I have for a man who loves me more than I ever imagined... THAT my friends... THAT broke me.
When I pulled onto I-95 and those walls were laying on the ground all around me.... I broke.  And I realized, no matter what life throws at me, or at T, or at our family or ANYTHING that we will EVER have to go through...
No one will ever love me more than that man who gave me his name.

So those tears....... they were tears of sorrow.... sorry that I ever doubted or pushed back a love that is undefinable.
those tears......they were tears of joy..... a joy that I never thought I would find in another human being.
those tears......they were tears of thankfulness.... thankful that God sent me a man that loves me enough and is strong enough to stand beside me knowing that this life is gonna be hard, especially hard while I left my stable job to pursue school and a career that will make our life better in the long run
knowing all of that....
I have a man that holds me and loves me and lets me cry and complain and be CRAZY and tells me, no matter what - he loves me and while today is hard, we push forward and keep planning for our amazing future.

I am truly loved and OVERjoyed!!!

When I let go of what I am... I become what I might be  
~Lao Tzu

I want to share this song with you.... the epitome of what I see our love to be
my true "better half" and soulmate.  {kinda corny - but truly listen to the words!!}

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