Forgiveness - the KEY to survival

What is forgiveness?

To give up resentment of or claim to requital for; to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

This seems to be one of the hardest concepts for our feeble human minds to comprehend.  Why?  Because everyone wants justification, vengeance, honor.... Revenge.
When someone wrongs us or hurts us in some way, our selfish pride feels some sort of obligation to hurt another in retaliation.  It's how human nature is.
Evil.
An eye for an eye...

So forgiving someone who has hurt us is hard.  It takes alot of love and faith.... and well... true soul searching and selflessness.  And it doesn't happen overnight.  Nor does it last overnight.  Most of the time, you have to forgive on a daily basis.  Remind yourself everyday that you have forgiven and let go of that pain and that need for self gratification.

The even harder thing about forgiveness is this....... you MUST forgive yourself.
People make mistakes and hurt us.  Yes.  But guess what.  We are HUMAN and we often make mistakes that hurt others along with our own selves.
At that point, you must make a point to forgive.  Not just yourself for hurting someone else (which is very important too... along with hopefully their forgiveness)
But the thing that stifles us most, is actually being able to forgive ourselves for being human.
We make mistakes.
We choose wrong paths.
We hurt people.
We are selfish.
We are resentful.
We are prideful.... oh how we are prideful.
And in that prideful persona, we put ourselves into a self inflicted bondage.
It's like our pride is so important to us that actually ADMITTING we were wrong or did wrong, is a life threatening blow to our ego.
Which gives us something to constantly hold over our OWN head.  And something we constantly feel the need to justify and "make up for".
We find ourselves over compensating in other areas of our lives in order to bury that mistake that we made.  If we make up for it in other ways, it justifies our wrong doing.

Truth of the matter is, without forgiveness of our OWN faults, you will never be happy with yourself.  And without being happy with yourself, you will never find TRUE happiness or contentment with anyone else either.  You will live a constant lie.  Habitually ridiculing and criticizing others in order to make you feel better about YOU.
"well.... at least I didn't do what HE did"
"at least I'm good at this...."
"at least I went to church last Sunday"
"at least 'so and so' likes me BETTER"
Constant rectification and justification and prideful indulgence - that I can assure you my friend will NEVER give you the peace you are so desperately looking for.

Some of you that read my blog are Christians and some are not.
Either way - you can take this to heart.
And if you have questions, comments, or opinions, please don't hesitate to share.
I read something last night that TOTALLY hit a chord with me.
It says this:
"If you ever cease to understand the value of repentance, (admitting you were wrong and asking for forgiveness) you allow yourself to remain in sin.  Repentance is a gift of God.  Our natural life can only be turned spiritual through sacrifice.  If we do not sacrifice the natural to the spiritual, the natural life will resist and defy the life of God in us and will produce CONSTANT TURMOIL.  God will not be involved in your natural lives as long as we continue to pamper and gratify it (sin, selfishness, and wrong doing) !"

People struggle every day with finding their place in the world.  Their niche so to speak.  Where they feel comfortable and can truly be at peace with themselves.  The fact of the matter is, if you have refused to forgive others or forgive yourselves and refuse to give up that PRIDE that you hold so dearly to.... God can not bless you and you WILL be in constant turmoil.

Romans 12:9-21
  ⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
 ¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
 ¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. ²⁰ On the contrary:
   “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
   if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
 ²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I implore you today....... search your soul and find those bitter hurtful things you are harboring inside and let them GO! 
Search your soul for those things that you feel and do on a daily basis, that you justify and hold so dearly to... all for the pure reasoning of protecting that selfish pride.
Forgive those who hurt you.
Forgive yourself for hurting others.
But MOST importantly, forgive YOURSELF for being human and let go of your past.  Believe it or not YOU YOURSELF can NOT justify the mistakes or "make up for them".  You can only let them go and learn from them and start living life better rather than living life in constant turmoil to make up for wrong doing.
Ask God for forgiveness and know that if HE can forgive you, you CAN forgive yourself.
Let yourself off the hook.
We are human.
But we are saved by grace and we are FORGIVEN!

~Motivational Monday~ A Womans Prayer

A Woman’s Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should’ve been with my heart.

From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands.

I now commit my heart into your hands for safe-keeping.

Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what You desire for me. As I embrace You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me. I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart.

I invite you to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me.

Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding.

I know that You know what is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice.

In Jesus Name,

AMEN

The Journey

I was posed a question tonight... that I can't release from my mind?

~Do you think someone can just fall OUT of love?~

I can't seem to erase that question from my head OR come up with a really good answer...

So - for what it's worth - here are my thoughts...
WHAT DO YOU THINK???

Just for a moment, let's contemplate the love between a woman and a man.

First of all.... I don't think it happens over night.
Yes, I do believe there can be an initial attraction... SPARKS you would say.

And in that case, is it really "love" initially?  or JUST an attraction... a fascination... intrigue....
something that sparks that initial interest....
curiosity.

Second of all.... I think a series of choices have to occur that lead you down the path of love.
Everyone has a list of "criteria" if you will, that you are looking for.
It may be as simple as blue eyes, or just great eyes; or it may be as deep as a spiritual foundation.
But you have this list.  In your head.  Big or small, the "criteria" that you look for. (admitted or not!)
Once you feel you have found someone that meets your criteria, you make choices to get to know them.
And to let them know you.
You choose to show the real you or you choose to show them what you WANT them to see.
OR you decide they don't meet your criteria and you CHOOSE not to walk down that path.

This is where things get tricky.

Because I believe in the old saying, "Love is a Journey, not a Destination"
You begin to make choices.
What you will accept and what you want.
What you need and what you can live without.
Who you want to be.
......Because let's face it.
As we get to know each other, NOBODY is perfect and we ALL have baggage.  No matter what age we are and what our past may entail, we ALL have baggage.

So you begin a journey with someone you have now developed an interest in.
Time passes and you each learn about the other.
And I think depending on your openness and willingness, there is no set time on how long it takes to REALLY fall IN love!

But - once you trip and fall - are you IN IT FOR LIFE?  I mean - are you really?
Once you are IN - can you fall OUT?

Here's my answer.
YES.

Love IS a journey.  A journey of commitment, of promises, of a deep seeded fundamentally grounded DESIRE to enrich someone else's life.
A journey to put a smile on someone else's face, even before your own.
A journey of sacrifices.
A journey of compromises.
It's when you look at someone and they make you WANT to be a BETTER person.
A journey with someone who inspires you...  Someone who supports you...  Someone that you know no matter what will be standing beside you at the end of the day.... you above ANYONE ELSE.
It is a journey
A series of every day choices.

It's easy to roll over and say the words, "I love you"
but how hard is it to truly LOVE another individual enough to embark on that journey?!

Fact of the matter is - in today's selfish, self righteous, self indulging, self gratifying society... it seems to be the HARDEST journey there is to take and commitment to make.
Divorce and break ups and heart ache is all around us every day.
It seems to be MUCH easier to focus on SELF and check out of that journey you were so committed to on day one.


Love requires work.  It requires effort.  It requires nurturing.
And let's face it, whether it was real or not in the beginning, if someone checks out - it is because they made the CHOICE not to work or nurture that affection anymore.

Does that mean that you fell OUT of love?
You just happened to roll over one day and look at your significant other and think... "hmmm... I don't love you anymore"
NO - you fall out of love just like you fall IN love... a series of choices.  A series of events that place your significant other back in the pile with everyone else.  They are no longer your priority.  Their happiness is no longer your concern.  You didn't just trip and fall OUT of love, you made choices!  To cheat, to stray, to put someone else FIRST... to put your self first... you made choices!

Does that mean you never really loved at all?  You pretended from day one that you wanted this.  You pretended to be something your not or committed to something that you ... well...  you never really intended to commit to?  It's too hard.  It's too self-less...


In the end - does it really even matter?

Some of us fall OUT of love because of our own choices, and some of us HAVE to fall OUT because of others choices...

Either way - I do believe it is possible.
And it doesn't mean that love was never there.
It doesn't mean the journey wasn't started.
Just that for one or both, the choice was made that the journey wasn't worth continuing.

Broken promises and broken commitments.  They happen every day all around us.
Usually instigated by self serving, self gratifying, self motivating choices.

Don't be taken by empty promises and false pretenses.  Stand pure and wait for what God has in store for you and trust Him from there.
And know this... scars may remain from a love that you lost, but God will heal them and they will serve as reminders of what NOT to settle for next time.

Ephesians 5 : 6-7

⁶ Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. ⁷ Therefore do not be partners with them.

Song for the day!!!!  Peter Bradley Adams - The Longer I RunListen to the lyrics  (or read them below?)

When that blood runs warm with the warm red wine
I miss the life that I left behind
And when I hear the sound of the blackbird's cry
I know I left in the nick of time

Well this road I'm on's gonna turn to sand
And leave me lost in a far-off land
So let me ride the wind 'till I don't look back
And forget the life that I almost had

If I wander 'till I die
May I know whose hand I'm in
And if my home I'll never find
Then let me live again

The longer I run then the less that I find
Selling my soul for a nickel and dime
Breaking my heart to keep singing these rhymes
And losing again  (repeat)

Tell my brother please not to look for me
I ain't the man that I used to be
But if my saviour comes could you let him know
I've gone away for to save my soul

(Chorus repeat)

~Motivational Monday~ My New Perspective

In honor of the week of Thanksgiving - I'm thankfully switching gears.

Putting on my new perspective you might say!

It was pointed out to me today that we should not only spend time being thankful for the things that we have been given and that God has blessed us with; but we should also take time to be thankful for the things that have been taken away... the things that God has saved us from.

I know firsthand, that when going through trials and tribulations it is so easy to turn around and blame others, or get MAD at God for not giving us what we want or giving it to us the way WE want it. 
Wow, it is so easy.  
The hurt and pain that we feel inside tends to overtake us and we lose perspective.  (how many times have I written about perspective?!)  We get so focused on the things we want and things that are important in this world.

I'm going through a divorce - it's no secret.
And I've been hurt and angry and confused... and well, 100 other emotions I can think of.

But today - I was reminded, that no matter what people say, no matter HOW people judge, no matter how the story is told and where fault lands, the fact of the matter is... quite frankly - I love you all, but I don't answer to anyone but my God.  And as long as in my heart I know that I'm following His will and I did right by Him, I am at peace.
I fought.  ME.  MYSELF... I fought to hold a marriage together.... when in fact, it was never my fight to fight.
I should have given this ALL to God long ago....
God sees a bigger picture.
And sometimes... he takes away.  And many times, that is beyond our human comprehension.

We are blessed with gifts from God.  And believe it or not, we are blessed when he takes away.
It may not feel like it sometimes, but I believe it to be true.  Because I do believe there is a bigger plan that God has in store.

So, in hindsight..... I looked back over the past year of my life today...
And I have so many things to be thankful for.

~I am thankful that I had to ability to go back to school this past year and GRADUATE~

~I am thankful that I made a career change at this point in my life and can now say I have a job I LOVE!~

~I am thankful for ALL of my family - I am TRULY blessed!~

~I am thankful for my friends - they have been my ROCK for years and abundantly so as of late~

~I am thankful that my daddy DID get to walk me down the aisle~

~I am thankful for my son and the wonderful young man he is growing up to be~

~I am thankful to say that I have loved and been loved~

~I am thankful for my parents and the way I was raised and the foundation they gave me to stand on~

and oddly enough....

~I am thankful for all the things I wanted in my life, that God saw fit to spare me from.  I am thankful for "unanswered prayers" that were truly answered in a way to protect me and keep me closer to him.~

~I am thankful that this past year has shown me things and taught me things that I might never have understood otherwise.~

~But most of all, I am SO thankful that this past year has brought my walk closer to Him.~

I am thankful that people judge me and talk about me and question why I'm different.  It means I stood for something... and that something is my GOD!

And I am MOST thankful that I ALWAYS know that His arms are around me and protect and comfort me when I need it the most!

Back to square one

Today I'm sharing something I posted.....   well - long ago.

Thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I today - hold firmly to  :)

I hope you enjoy - but more than anything.... I hope you are inspired.

To give.

To LOVE.

To pray.

To trust in God - no matter WHAT the circumstances!!!!

Unconditional love is a term used to describe a love shared with someone regardless of the other's actions or beliefs.  It is comparable to the term "true love" which is used most often between lovers.  At the same time, unconditional love is frequently used to describe the love between family members, very good friends and also used to describe God's love for us through the forgiveness of Christ.

After a long intense (texted) conversation with a friend of mine recently, he asked me:  "Have u never had 100 percent true unconditional love?"  My response was - "other than my girlfriends & family, no."
Now - my girls and I definitely have an unconditional love for each other, but dating/relationship wise... no.  I don't think I have ever had a 100% shared unconditional love in any relationship.  (Thank God I'm still single then - right?!)  It seems one has always been more or less committed than the other, or one is looking for something more, or one is NOT looking to be serious... always something to break that bond.

Now - do I think I have LOVED unconditionally?  ABSO-freaking-LUTELY!!!!!!!  Every day of my life!  I just don't think it's ever been a mutually shared 100% love that was the same and REAL.  There are so many people that have passed through my life, some who still remain, that maybe I don't agree with and maybe I have had words with, and maybe, just maybe they turned their back and walked away from me.  BUT - I still contain so much love in my heart for them... sometimes it just pisses me off!  ;-)  BUT - at the same time, most days, I feel so lucky and blessed and I am so thankful for it. 
So in turn, I sometimes wonder if I was meant to just GIVE love and hope to those around me.  Like that is my gift from God... my big huge loving, forgiving, heart.  I can't even begin to tell you the number of times people have let me down or broken my heart.....but you know what's really weird and I have yet to figure out - I still to this day LOVE those people unconditionally.  6 months from the day you broke my heart, you could call me and ask for help and I'd be there.  I just can't NOT love or NOT give hope to everyone around me.  (i don't do it on purpose people....I can't help it!  ha ha)  I look at people and situations and I see hope..... (I don't always do that in my OWN life - but I'm VERY good at giving it to those I surround myself with!)
Now - don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I'm not WORTHY of being loved unconditionally OR that I am NOT loved unconditionally - it's just that the love is different with each I guess.  And in relationships, maybe I have been loved unconditionally but didn't share in it with the person.  I don't know. 

So I often wonder if my purpose here on earth is to go at it alone.  To love and give hope to those around me on this journey of life.   I was given a son by the grace of God to show me the REALMS of true neverending undying unconditional love......(because trust me, from one parent to another, no one can break your heart MORE than your own child - but we just keep on lovin them!)
I look at couples and I envy what they have.  I envy that bond that they have.  I envy them having someone to come home to at night.  I envy the touch of a man on the small of his wife's back.  ohhhhh - there are so many little things that people take for granted that I see.  I see them every day.  And they used to make me sad........they used to make me lonely.  They used to make me look at God and say "IT'S NOT FAIR!"
But no more.

Today (this is a work in progress people) I'm learning to be thankful for the gift God has given me.  I don't have to just share my love with one......I get to share it with everyone I meet.  Oh yeah - I have been and will again be let down & have my heart broken, but that's ok.  Because even when that person walks away, they will now have a piece of unconditional love - and even if they have never seen it or felt it before, I promise you - that they will never forget what it felt like.   =)

my footprints in the world..........

Let the Son shine through

Even out of ruins, God always shows me light  :)
the silver lining if you will........

My last post was very hard.  That day was VERY hard.
BUT such is life.
We all have good days and bad days and days that are just a little harder to get through than others.
I am not special in that.
I guess the difference is, I don't hold in my emotions.  I don't hold in my feelings.
I may speak them, I may scream them, but most of all - I type them.... I SHARE them!!!
Someone told me once that our emotional selves are like refrigerators.  You have to clean your refrigerator out every now and then or you end up with a whole bunch of nasty spoiled and rotten food in there.  Well our emotional well being is the same way.  All of those feelings and emotions that you hold in.... if left sitting, they get stale and yucky and guess where that shows up... in your attitude.  You turn into a cold, bitter reflection of your true self.  You walk around so busy hiding your nastiness inside, that no one really sees the real true you.  You become that.... just an image.  Just a photocopy.  People see you... but they only see what you show them, what you WANT them to see, you know those "pictures" you hang on the outside of your refrigerator...  and then if God forbid, someone opens the door and gets a glimpse of what's inside - it's life threatening to your emotional well being.  So you slam the door and run away and hide.

I understand that some people are private.  Some people choose not to share.  Some people don't WANT people to see or know the real them because maybe it might mean that they have to see themselves where they truly stand too.  And ... well... I guess it's easier to just close the refrigerator door and hang pictures on the outside and pretend that all is well.

I am "what you see is what you get"
Do I share too much?  That has always been the question....

I get my answer almost every time I blog.
God did give me a gift.  And I choose to use it to His benefit, not my own.
And when I go down a dark and winding road and I come out at the end, sure, sometimes I look back and think WHY LORD.... WHY???
but only for a second....
He always answers.

My last post was very personal.
And I received several VERY personal emails yesterday from people who will remain anonymous that read my post and shared how much it helped them.  One with a past experience similar to what I'm going through and one who is going through it now.  And ironically, someone also who struggles in their beliefs and what I wrote yesterday really touched her too.   Not necessarily the divorce part, but the FAITH in God that I shared.  And I try to share in every post I share.

So when asked why I blog and why I share so much, my answer is two-fold.   First of all, it's my version of cleaning out my refrigerator.  I'm a very openly emotional, feeling and spiritual person.  And as I type, God speaks to me and THROUGH me.   And secondly, I do believe that there are people out there that struggle with things every day.  And if one little ounce of hope or God and what he has done in my life can be shared to help someone else, well.... I KNOW that God is working through me.  And when I know that - I know that no matter what is going on around me and no matter what walls are falling down, I know that God has a plan bigger than me.   Even out of ruin, God shines light.
For THAT I am thankful.

Paralyzed

DEFINED :  to bring to a condition of helpless stoppage, inactivity, or inability to act

EXAMPLE :  ME

Today was the day.  The FINAL day.  The day of enlightenment for me.

The day all hope was killed.

He delivered signed Divorce papers to me last night.  Cold.  With no words.  No emotion.  Oblivious... 

all that was left was for me to sign and deliver to the attorney's office....

Time for me to ultimately close this chapter.... the chapter I never thought I would have to close.

But there they were - nonetheless - the papers... his signature on Divorce papers.. 

laying lifeless on the table.

Staring at me.

Mocking me.

Laughing at me.

Taunting me...

The very thing I never wanted.  The very thing I don't believe in.  The very thing I have literally fought tooth and nail to avoid, for.. well... quite some time now... long enough to watch too many bricks fall, and WAY too many bricks be thrown in my face.  Long enough that anyone else in my shoes would have been broken and walked away long ago.  But not me though.  The fighter.  The lover.  The girl that lives on passion.  Not the girl that believed in love.  Not the girl that believed in the man that I somehow thought broke down those protective walls I had built.  Not this man.  Not this man who LOVED me.

LOVE

DEFINED:  an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment.  In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection.

EXAMPLE:   what I THOUGHT my marriage entailed.

So I sat... paralyzed.  Not sure what to do.  Not sure how to move.  Not even sure WHAT my move should be.  So I just sat paralyzed... and stared at my life once again going down a road I never expected.   And the worst part is... I fought so hard against it and loved so deep and gave so much.   Yet here we are.  And there I sat... for hours... just wondering, reliving, WONDERING how it ever went so terribly wrong.

Paralyzed.

until finally sleep overtook me... where my dreams were also paralyzed.

Numb.

So today - I woke up, determined that a move had to be made.

Do I sit hoping... wishing... begging for change and love in return for my entire heart that had been given.

I just couldn't fathom that THIS.... THIS ROAD was the road God put me on to just dead end.

So I sent one final plea....

a text

that simply said "Are you sure this is what you want?"

To which I was lovingly greeted with....... "I'm sure."

Affection?  no 

Personal attachment?  no

Kindness:  no

Compassion?  no

Was it ever really LOVE?

And that was it.   Now I wasn't physically paralyzed; I knew where this had to go... 

but my heart was.  

I think it stopped for what seemed like an eternity.  And I grasped the fact that...... the love I gave and opened my heart to receive is gone.  Or was it never there?

Did I fool myself into believing that he ever really loved me?

I was so guarded.  And so careful.  And sooo... cautious

and my knight on a white horse slaughtered me.

Such is life I guess.

So I jump started my heart again and reminded myself that we all make choices.  Every day.  

EVERY DAY IN GRAY

Every day we are faced with gray; and you must choose....

right from wrong.  

Good from evil.  

Black from white.

What's important and what's not.

I have no control over anyone's choices but my own.

His choice has been made.

And in that second, so was mine.

It is time to heal.

The first step is the hardest... 

but worth it.  

And while others may be scared to step and take a chance and trust that God will be right there....

I refuse to be scared.

I know no matter what - I have stood by my faith and love and done everything I vowed to do.

Someone else's choices are out of my control.

God will be with me every step of the way!

Find a place inside where's there joy and the joy will burn out the pain.  ~Joseph Campbell~

What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?

When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???