Star struck... bench shirts... and giving back!

Powerlifters are awesome!!! (In case you missed the memo!)

Out of the millions of reasons that I enjoy powerlifting,

 this... 

THIS RIGHT HERE 

is what really defines the sport as AWESOME!!!

I just might have one of the most heart warming stories ever.   For me anyway...
Like seriously....
I might have cried.  Well - OK - I DID cry.  (shocking I know!)

~Shut the front door... Powerlifters don't cry!!~

Backstory:

So weeks ago, Brad and I had tossed around ideas about me getting a bench shirt.
(for non-powerlifting nerds, google "bench shirt". 

"A bench shirt is a stiff supportive shirt, used to improve performance in the bench press, most often in powerlifting competitions.")  
I've never used gear... of any kind... other than a bottom of the line hand me down squat suit in the gym for some overloading.  Never on bench.

But after some browsing around on several sites, Brad came across this BRIGHT PINK SUPER KATANA bench shirt!!!  Sooooo me!!!  Bad-ass and PINK!!!
For those that don't know - the Super Katana multi-ply shirt is a BEAST of a shirt and runs quite expensive.  Being that I have never benched in a shirt, it's not one I would run out and buy first thing.
BUT the one for sale on eBay was well under the face value of one of those shirts!

So I bid on it.

And won.

And after the auction I got an email from the seller.
(here's where the story gets good!)

The POWERLIFTING girl that emailed me has worn this shirt in competitions and has benched a max of 360!!  I was immediately kinda star struck.  And googled her of course.
Her name is Anastassia Tressler
(feel free to google her also!)
Anyway - she sent a very sweet email about the shirt to which I replied that I hoped it would fit and that I had never worn gear before and was so excited to try it out.  (I also confessed to YouTube stalking her!  ha)
*God bless the Internet*
Anyway....
She replied in another super sweet email and wished me luck on my bench.

Now THIS is where the story gets REAL good!

Today I came home from work to a package!  I was so excited to open it and try it on!

When I opened the package, I pulled out this cute little yellow envelope with my name on it.


An invoice? A card? A "nice doing business with you" note maybe/??
Then I pull out that beautiful BRIGHT pink shirt.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
But wait........
There was something else in the package.
I pull out yet ANOTHER bench shirt.  A black one.

Wait..... WHAT?!
I was confused.

So I opened that pretty yellow envelope.
It was a hand written thank you note from Ms. Anastassia.
But it wasn't just any thank you note.
I don't want to type it word for word because I don't want to take away the precious thought behind it OR impose on Ms. Tressler.
But I will give you the gist.

She said that she hopes I LOVE the shirt and that she has also included her VERY FIRST BENCH SHIRT!!  What?!!  It is a single-ply shirt which she advised me to start in before putting on that pretty pink beast!  She went on to say that she had been given so much as a powerlifter and now it's her turn!  *tear*  Seriously!!!!!!!
I mean are there ANY better people out there than powerlifters????

I don't know if you understand what I'm saying here......
Please allow me to re-cap!

I bought a VERY EXPENSIVE AWESOME multi-ply Super Katana bench shirt on eBay for much less than what it's worth.  It was worn by a chick who is a geared powerlifting bad-ass!  She sold it to me and then threw in another shirt, a single ply Katana to start out in.  Which is thoughtful in itself, being that THAT shirt is also a bad-ass shirt and still costs more than what I paid for the other shirt!  But please don't leave out the fact that this is HER OWN PERSONAL VERY FIRST BENCH SHIRT!!!!!!!  *tear*
And then there's the note.  The sweet inspiring motivating note...... telling me to keep in touch and she's expecting big numbers from me!

I'm in awe.
That is all.

Powerlifters are freaking BEASTS and freaking AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have some BIG numbers to live up to!
Can't WAIT to get in the gym tomorrow night........ for my "shoulders" night!  uh hemmm 
maybe not!  ;-)

*sidenote*  I hope she doesn't ask for said shirts back when she realizes what MY raw bench is now!!!  (eeeeek!)   I've got a long way to go and a lot of work to put in!!!!

She Designed a Life that she Loved

and she didn't even realize it.
*That's gonna be my new book title*!  LOL

You know - we have choices every day.
Some we take so seriously and some are just made on a whim....

But I realized today... I HAVE designed a life that I love!

I had a conversation with my son recently.  *he started college this year*
He is - as were almost all of us at that age - wondering about his path.
College... career.... school... CHOICES.
Those life altering decisions we make.
He's trying to find direction.  (and I applaud him for that!)

my advice....
"Sit back little one and enjoy the ride"

Don't get me wrong... we should have plans.
Goals.
a Focus.
Somewhere you desire to be in life.

But don't get so overwhelmed in WHERE you are going that you close your eyes and miss the journey.

I am 37 years old.

When I look back over my life .... just starting with high school graduation... it's as though I have lived a million little lives all rolled into my ONE big life!
And even though there were times that I didn't know HOW I would make it through... I did.
And I look at them now and smile.

When I graduated high school - I had NO idea who I was OR who or where I wanted to be.
I WAS caught up in the moment.
maybe a little TOO much  ;-)
And I definitely have scars from it.

But I smile now.

People often ask if you could go back and change things in your life, would you?
And everyone says NO.  "Everything happens for a reason"
and that is true.
But lets just be honest.
If you COULD, you WOULD.
You would take what you know NOW and USE IT for back when you didn't have a clue!
Don't lie!
It seems that you could be so much further in life with the knowledge that you have now.
On paper, that would just seem to make sense.

Maybe the heartaches wouldn't have hurt so bad....... you would have known better

Maybe the money would have gone to smarter places.... you would have been more financially wise
Maybe the time would have been better spent... you would be more together and organized
Maybe the lack of direction would have been shorter lived... you would have known where you wanted to be.

~ BUT ~

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe

......maybe the heartaches TAUGHT you things and shaped your heart into what it is today... maybe they taught you to LOVE... to really LOVE.   Above and beyond no matter what.

Maybe that tender place you have in your heart for young single mothers would be dark and cold... maybe you learned COMPASSION.... on a whole other level.

Maybe the lack of direction and confusion that left you scared and bewildered TAUGHT you PATIENCE... maybe you learned to APPRECIATE a job and even more so a job with PASSION.

Maybe the waste of time that you spent bouncing around from jobs and people and places and circumstances TAUGHT you how to know a REAL friend when you see one.
Maybe that time "wasted" wasn't wasted at all.
Maybe you have memories that you can look back on and smile and know they never be replaced.

Maybe you wouldn't have had all those "nights at BW's with the best girls ever"
or those early morning shifts at Raffertys with people and managers that you STILL refer to today!

Maybe you wouldn't have all those memories with a son who KNOWS you better than almost anyone on this planet.  Maybe you wouldn't have the inside jokes about "Friends" or "Spongebob" or "late night drive bys" or "Nancy" or "Moach"

Maybe you couldn't look into your child's eyes and know there are lessons and morals and values and respect  and LOVE that YOU taught him... you showed him... you instilled into him.

Maybe the LOVE and PASSION and APPRECIATION and PRIDE and HONOR and COMPASSION and PATIENCE would not even be there today......

if you didn't Design a Life that you LOVE!

Dream big.

Make plans

Have goals

and know that EVERY decision you make is designing a life for you to love.

Know that when you are 18 or 22 or even 29 - you may not see it or understand it.
But you will....
That's what your 30's are for.

You will know who you are, where you are and what really is important.
And you will appreciate all of life's journey!

And on that note - I will soon be redesigning my blog in order to more accurately represent WHO I AM, what I stand for - and the life that I HAVE DESIGNED!!!

WHAT are YOU doing to your kids?!

WHO is the parent?
Are you letting everyone ELSE be the disciplinarian for your child?
Are you too busy?
too lazy?

I'm on my BOX today........

I recently heard that KY Athletics have passed a new rule that there is now no longer hand shaking allowed after sporting events.
I'm sorry........ WHAT?!!!!!!
No more "good game" pats on the butt??!!
Are you serious??
Because of FIGHTS.  THIS is where the rule came from?
Because of too many FIGHTS after sporting events???

ARE.  YOU.  KIDDING.  ME???????

Hey - I've got an idea...... why don't we take out the "good game" handshakes after the games AND give EVERYONE a trophy for PARTICIPATING!!!
JEEEEEEEEEEEEZ
I mean - we wouldn't want to HURT anyone's feelings!!!
Or offend a kid..... I mean PARENT or two!!!!!!

So rather than PUNISH the kids who don't know how to act.......
like hey - how about THROW THEM OFF OF A TEAM for fighting!!???....
yeah RATHER than punish those that don't know how to act.... let's punish ALL the kids and take away the last shred of sportsmanship we had left in our kids lives
Let's teach them that rather than punish those who don't know how to act and show THEM that there ARE repercussions to their actions......   rather than PUNISH them..... let's just teach ALL of our kids..... the ones that are playing sports for good reasons... let's teach them that sportsmanship is useless.
Stupid in fact.
A waste of time.
Not worth the effort.... or trouble!
Let's teach our little athletes growing up that it is all about YOU and the other team isn't worthy of your respect of even the time to shake their hands.
Let's teach them THAT LESSON as small children, so that IF they do grow up to play sports as a profession, or even if they DON'T  - they can KNOW ... for SURE.... without a doubt - that the game and the world is all about "ME".
"selfie generation"

WHAT are we doing to our kids?

WHERE are the parents standing up against this?
Is no one else at all offended about where the world is taking our children??

I'm surprised teachers are even allowed to give GRADES anymore...... for fear of making someone's child "feel stupid"!!!  I mean really......
your kid gets better grades than mine and it's not fair... it makes my son feel stupid.
We should stop giving grades.  It's JUDGMENTAL and punishing to some kids!!!
It's not FAIR!!!!!
NO - My kid does his homework and works his butt off for those A's....... your child is lazy and you are condoning that!!!

When did it happen that we as adults decided that we would revolve the WHOLE ENTIRE world around the kids?  When did we decide to start basing everything on them and what works for them?  When did we decide that discipline wasn't worth it?
It is too much trouble for you to teach your child right from wrong?  Is it just easier to let them do whatever they want and bend OUR lives to accommodate that?

What about the clip I found from Kelly Rippa on "LIVE with Kelly and Michael"??  She is discussing (or rather RANTING about) how some kids broke in and vandalized an NFL players house and then posted pics of themselves in the house..... drinking, destroying and living it up.  THEN the parents of said kids want to SUE the owner of the house saying that HE, the victim, might cost their children a chance at going to college....... because he exposed the kids!!!!!

WHAT?!!!

Here is the video....... watch it
you SHOULD be outraged!

GOSH - nevermind - I can't get the video to work - if you are friends with me on FACEBOOK you can find it on my facebook page.
STUPID.  just STUPID!!!

These kids DESTROYED someone else's property and exploited themselves on the Internet and then THEIR parents came to the rescue.  Defended them nonetheless.
WHAT??????????

These children will one day be the adults in our country!!!!!!!
These children will one day be our doctors... our lawyers.... our POLITICIANS..... they will make laws and oversee companies.
And they will believe that they are invincible.  Because this is what we are teaching them.

I just don't understand.

I LOVE my son with all my heart.  I do.
And I would do anything in the world to protect him and make life easier for him.

BUT
at the same time, I am his MOTHER.... not his best friend.  I am the parent.  It is my JOB to teach him right from wrong and to TEACH him how to survive in the world.

NOT to teach the WORLD to treat him as a GOD!

Are people really so consumed with making sure their kid "LIKES" them that they just can't say no?
Are people really so consumed with NEVER being the "bad guy" and NEVER telling their kid no.... no matter what it costs?

Are people really so LAZY that instead of parenting their OWN children, that they just let everyone else do it for them?

I mean really people.......
You are setting your children up for FAILURE!
You are teaching them NOTHING.

We are failing our children and our next generation.

I just don't get it.

I love Z.... but I have told him no.   And I will continue to do so
and he's EIGHTEEN!!!!!!!
I love my baby boy.... but I WILL let him grow up
I love him but I will be honest with him.

He will KNOW that there ARE consequences to MAKING MISTAKES!!!!
 and he will make them!
SO.  DID.  I.

It will HURT when he gets his heart broke and the world lets him down.
But he will KNOW that is life and he will move on.... rather than running to mom expecting her to change the world.
He will know.
He will understand

and he will be wiser and stronger for it.

Period.
Does that make ME the terrible parent???!!!

(drop the mic..... step down from podium...... WALK AWAY.... in disgust!)

 

There ARE people out there...

Wait.... WHAT?!
There are???

like this.....
(wait for it...)

I am in awe.
(keep waiting....)

Just yesterday I posted this blog 
(here is the link in case you missed it!)
I was fretting over my blog and some things that have happened in my life.
Worried about my lack of inspiration as of late...
And how I carry around all this bitterness and anger and resentment... and I feel like it's draining my soul.

My main point was that I felt like I needed to walk away from my blog... I felt like I had lack of direction or inspiration.  Like I had lost my original purpose in writing.
to inspire
to motivate
to truly share and wish the best for people.
I felt like there used to be all these people who followed me, and now suddenly - I don't hear from them anymore... do they still read?  Do they care?  Are they disappointed in me?

And then I got a text, a tweet actually, from my son whom has gone off to college ....
and doesn't "NEED" his mommy anymore.... cause that's what happen when they grow up - right??
And it said...

"I still enjoy your blogs. You should keep writing them, they have meaning to me."

And that's all it took.
to bring me back to where I should have been all along.

Sometimes we write (or speak) and we worry that we might say something wrong or hurt someones feelings or worry that someone will judge us or not want to be our friends anymore...
but HERE is the truth
We blog to be free.
I blog to be honest.
I blog to be me.
I blog to inspire.... to motivate... to be someone my son can be proud of.  
To be someone my son will look up to. 
I want him to know ME - the REAL ME.... not just what I chose for him to see...... I have always been honest with him... I always want him to know who I REALLY am.  Not just an "image" of what a mother "SHOULD be"
And if others do also - well.... that's just a bonus!  :)

So please allow me to continue to be me
to motivate... to inspire..... to be honest
and to NOT care if you judge me or don't like me or decide you don't want to be my friend anymore.

I am me.
Just me.(here is another link if you missed my cordial introduction of myself!  ha)
I vow to say what I feel and/or what I think
And if you can't handle it, go read someone else's thoughts!
Or just don't read MINE!

SO - After all that soul searching and some very sweet messages from some good friends of mine last night .... I happened to come across this video on facebook that someone had posted
And it broke my heart.   in a good way.
It reminded me that we are all "NOT PERFECT".
Whose job is it to decide what we are supposed to look like or act like anyway?  What is PERFECT?
We all make decisions and have thoughts that we ARE proud of... and some that we aren't!

We.  Are.  Human.

So I urge you to watch this....... have Kleenex on hand - TRUST ME on that!!!  It is especially dedicated to all you moms out there who have thoughts that you feel embarrassed to feel.
I was a single mom...... all of Zack's childhood!  And I raised a FINE OUTSTANDING young man..... of whom I couldn't be more proud.  But there are moments looking back that I DID make bad decisions.  There are moments that I am NOT proud of.  There are thoughts and decisions that I would DIE if someone had read my mind!  But they are real.  They are natural.  And it's OK.

I truly believe God gives his TOUGHEST battles to those of us who are the strongest....... and we rely SO MUCH on Him!!

Please follow the link below and read about the dad who found out his wife was pregnant with a child with Down Syndrome.  He is very honest about his feelings and the battles he fought within.
HE is a man who inspires me.
For his honesty... for his FIGHT... and for his heart overflowing with LOVE and understanding.  And I know that all the speed bumps they will encounter ahead may trip him up.... but this video proves that LOVE is stronger than anything.
And there is NOTHING stronger in the world - than the LOVE of a child.
whether it be your own by birth, your own through adoption, whether it be your nieces, your nephews, your best friends baby girl or boy.....
I promise you - there is NOTHING in the world GREATER!

Enjoy the video and I hope it touches you and makes YOU a stronger person! And if the case may be - a STRONGER PARENT.

This Guy Writes a Confession Letter to His Daughter with Down Syndrome

I bid you ADIEU!

Today I would like to (and NOT like to) say Goodbye...
Farewell.
Adieu.
So long!
.....to soooo many things!!

First of all...... I have some baggage that I need to get rid of.
Some resentment.  A few hurt feelings.  A little bit of bitterness.

All tied up with a pretty little bow!
Letting someone hurt you should only happen one time.  Right?!

And once it is over... Its happened.. you've been hurt... It's OVER

And the longer you carry around that hurt and bitterness... The longer you are in turn hurting yourself.
Self-inflicted.
There are several people that are IN my life and some that are LONG GONE that have hurt me.  Whether it be big or little.... it hurt the same.  Sometimes it was ONE single small incident.  Sometimes it was REPEAT offenses that just kept coming!  

But in the end... all that was left was me being let down and hurt.  Disappointed.
And rather than leaving it there... I have carried it. 
I packed it up in a pretty little ANGRY package and I just drag it around with me everywhere I go.
I remember.
Sometimes I unpack it and hold it and roll it around and play with it..... and remember.
And I let it HURT me all over again.

I'm tired of being angry and hurt.  

I'm tired of putting faith in people who have let me down. 

I'm tired from carrying around all that baggage. 

Secondly .... I would like to say goodbye to people who I once thought were my friends.  As it turns out they were just there out of circumstance and not by choice.  They didn't choose to be my friend, they chose to speak if the opportunity presented itself but that is about as far as it went.  These are people I will now refer to as circumstantial acquaintances.  My biggest problem, or what I've been harboring you might say.... is when they were no longer associated with me... I took it personal. Like I wasn't a good enough person for them to be my friend by choice.  They befriended others but conveniently stopped having time for me. And it hurt. And I've gone on wondering what I could've or should've done different.  And I've carried that with me.  

Today I say goodbye to those circumstantial acquaintances and accept the fact that you can't be friends with someone who wasn't your friend to start with.  

And I will vow not to take it personal.

You see, contrary to popular belief, I am somewhat sensitive.  LOL
Because you see when I am your friend and loyal to you - I consider that a forever thing.  I consider you to be my friend FOREVER.  Not just my friend by convenience.  Not just my friend when certain things are certain ways... or whatever.

Anyway - long story short - I am giving up those bags that I've been carrying around with me.  Throwing them in the river and walking away.
I refuse to let other peoples decisions be personal to me.

And finally - the other thing I'm seriously considering goodbye to......
.... is my blog.
I love my place to run and vent and scream and yell and cry...  and to share and motivate and inspire.
But as of late it seems my place has gone stale.
I don't know why.... but I feel like it's stagnant here.  Like no one reads or cares anymore.  And even if they do stumble by to read... it's really of no value.

I don't feel like I motivate or inspire people here anymore.
I don't feel like people come here when they've had a bad day and say... "Thanks Tammy - I feel better".

Maybe I WAS carrying around too much bitterness and resentment of my own to BE inspiring?
Maybe I still do.......

I feel good about ME.  I am happy with where I am and who I am right now.
I am proud of my motivation and how far I have come and the things I have survived.
But for some reason.... it doesn't seem to be inspirational to anyone anymore.
And that was my goal for this blog.
To share my life.
The ups.... the downs.... the wrongs.... the rights....
To give people hope when there is none.
To show people you CAN survive and you CAN do anything......

But I don't know.....
lately I just don't feel like I'm very inspiring.

So I often wonder..... what good IS my blog.

Has it run it's course?
Is it time for a good old fashioned farewell here too......... time to walk away?
Another chapter closed?

Because for me....... if it's not inspiring.... if it's not uplifting..... if it's not sharing things with YOU that make you better or make you see things better... I've lost my purpose here.

Every NEW day... is NEW learnin!

As I have grown up... I've gone through many MANY phases!!
Haven't we ALL!!!!
Many things that I hated as a child - I learned to LOVE as an adult.  And vice versa!
Funny how that works.
Many things you took for granted as a kid - you sure do miss as an adult!  (lack of responsibility, no real worries.... and NAPS!  Man I miss NAPS!)

Anyway - almost every child hated SCHOOL growing up... you hated getting up, you hated going, you hated homework, who needs to learn Algebra?!  or about History?!
... really it's that whole tip-toeing into adulthood there that we loathe!!

But never the less, we all grow up and we have to begin to take responsibility for ourselves.  You now have things that YOU have to do... no one can/will do them for you.  Buy a house, buy a car, pay your bills, the list goes on and on.....

One thing that I have learned to LOVE as I've grown up is LEARNING!
the SCHOOL of.... LIFE!
*Let's not even touch on how I must LOVE to learn things the HARD way though!*   sigh....

I always joke about how I know a little bit about a LOT of things..... and this is because I just love to learn about things. (and then I lose interest quickly... I contribute that to my ADD!  lol)
I also for some inherent reason think that I AM capable of doing anything.
I might learn the hard way
I might make mistakes
I might not understand right out of the gate....
BUT
given the time and the patience and a few million grains of salt.....
I eventually figure things out
and THAT is the GREATEST feeling in the world.

I am finding this to be ALL TOO TRUE in powerlifting.

Here is my journey so far in a nutshell.

Day 1 - Didn't want to do it.  Didn't have a CLUE about it and didn't CARE to!
(I just wanted to train for a 6 pack - as does EVERY girl!  well... every girl WANTS one, just maybe not to TRAIN for one!)
Meet 1 - Did a meet with my boyfriend (for his birthday present because that's what he wanted)
HOOKED
The end.
ha ha

Kidding.......
Though that really WAS all it took me to get hooked; my competitive "I can do anything" nature took hold.
And I began REALLY training.... to pick up HEAVY WEIGHTS!!

And in the beginning....... being NEW and all.... it was PR after PR after PR!!!  (aka Pat on the Back, after Pat on the Back, after Pat on the Back... you're AWESOME!)
Guys... that's easy when you've never done a DEADLIFT in your life!!!
But ALAS..... over time...... those easy PR's don't come so EASY.
And I have found myself frustrated and overwhelmed by disappointment in myself.

I struggled so much (and still do) with my bench... my number wasn't going up and I couldn't figure out why.  I trained to get stronger but I still couldn't get the bench number up.  So I focused on form.  And I FINALLY feel better in my form so now it's just GET STRONGER!  (and of course PERFECTING that form I worked so hard on!)
and ...... NOW - I'm struggling with my squat.  I'm at a standstill.  I hit a number in February.....SEVEN MONTHS ago - that I have only hit a couple of times since... and definitely nothing ABOVE that number.  It's very frustrating.  Add on top of that a constant criticism of my form.  I can't seem to sit BACK in my squat!  I'm ashamed to tell you how many times recently I've had to walk away from the bar (in tears) and go "walk it off"!!  (in Tammy terms.... that means CRY!  that's how I show anger and frustration... FRUSTRATION at its finest!)

And then today - I was reminded....... I am doing things I never dreamed I could do!!
I have picked up 300 pounds off the ground (off boxes)   but that's 300 POUNDS!  Are you kidding me?!

Today someone said to me "I've been following your training."  And in just THAT one simple comment - I was reminded ....
I'm STILL LEARNING TOO!!!!!!!!!
And so are others!!!

I also saw something posted by a powerlifting trainer that reminded me... the learning comes over years... not in just a few months.  So much to learn.  So much to improve.  Constant training and learning and bettering myself to come...

I have been powerlifting for LESS than ONE year.   ONE
And although in my MIND I think I am invincible and capable of the IMPOSSIBLE ..... I am not.
There are things that just take time!! patience!  Grrrrrr
I have a TERRIBLE tendency to look online at these girls that lift insanely huge amounts of weights with beautiful form... and then I carry that to the gym with me.
And it's like trying to be a supermodel walking the runway on stilettos without ever wearing a pair of heels before...  it doesn't just happen overnight!


You know how they say life knocks you down and makes you stronger... and if that's the case, I should be able to bench press a BUICK!
Well I think life teaches you lessons EVERY SINGLE DAY and makes you SMARTER!!!  You know how as a kid you thought adults were so stupid and didn't know anything!!!  Well...... I wish I could take the KID version of myself and knock myself over the head with every adult that ever tried to TEACH me anything. You just can't be THAT smart until life has TAUGHT you about LIFE!
Period.


So in conclusion - I have learned alot this week!  About life and the sport of Powerlifting.

I've learned that EVERYTHING takes time and patience...and that's a good thing.  When things are handed to you on a silver platter with no effort, they just don't seem quite as dear to you.

I've learned that when you have a bad day, you should always remember that someone somewhere is watching your every move and comparing themselves to you.  Remember to SHINE!

I've learned that no matter how much you are disappointed in yourself - there is always someone out there that is proud of you and envies something about you.  And that is motivation.

I've learned that getting down on yourself about anything only destroys you and your confidence.  And it's just not worth it.  We all have bad days.

AND - I have learned that just when you think you have NOTHING to give or show for all your hard work, just when you least expect it........ life will SHOW you that everything you have fought for is worth every single minute!!!!!

**I did a mock meet last night..... and without going into much detail, I hit my biggest bench EVER, my biggest deadlift EVER, I matched my highest squat (with some still in the tank - and left it because I've been struggling with my squat), AND I hit my BIGGEST TOTAL EVER!!!**

Life will give you JUST enough to make you stronger...... not KILL YA!  Trust it!

In the words of DRE....... "it was a good day"

REAL is the new BLACK!

The interwebz might just BE the devil!

It's kinda like Hollywood; it's not always real life!!
It's really easy to photoshop that 6-pack and paint on that sunshiny smiley face and fake out some motivational "quotes"!

Maybe I AM too hard on myself...
*OK OK _ I AM too hard on myself*   
BUT I guess that is what has always kept me striving to be better!  STRONGER!  

And at the same time - it can also put me on my knees in a heartbeat!!

I don't NEED anyone else to judge me or criticize me, I do it enough myself!
*which is also probably why I get SOOOO defensive when someone DOES criticize me!*
hmmmmmm - WOW - I just had a revelation there!!!

Anyway......

As many of you know (if you follow me or know me AT ALL)
I am divorced.
The big "D" word!!! 
NOT knocking ANYONE out there who IS divorced... because shit happens.  We all know that.  Sometimes divorce is out of your hands.  It was OUT of mine.  I didn't make the decisions that took me down that road.  Nevertheless, that "D word"... that "check the box"... that "defining" of me STILL bothers me today.   NOT because I was wrong,
And definitely NOT because I'm not happier now that I've ever been!
~I have a guy that is like none other!  He loves me, respects me, is there for me...... he's my best friend!  He makes ME a better person.~
But MORE because I think it makes me feel like I failed at something.  I don't like that.  Period.  It makes me feel damaged.  Broken.  Not worthy.
And I hate that feeling.
I hate that I LET someone make me feel that way.
I know it's up to ME to change that feeling..... but sometimes it gets the best of me.  EVEN when I know I'm better off and that was a road I should have never gone down.  EVEN then... I tend to self inflict that pain and the act of "failing"

(yes yes - I'm twisted  - I KNOW!!!)

Anyway - I have digressed.... here is what I'm getting at.

I get on Instagram and the Interwebz and I see all these girls...... some SMALLER than me... lifting these ridiculously INSANE pounds of weights!! **And it inspires me** 
I go to the gym and I KNOW that it's possible because I've seen it done!  Then I get under a light weight and learn that my form is crap.  I'm not low enough... I'm not sitting back enough... I'm not square enough... my elbows are not where they should be....  I'm not progressing. 
My numbers don't go up.
Am I not working as hard as those girls?
Do I not have what it takes?
Am I NEVER going to get a correct form down?
Will I EVER be someone that people look at and are inspired?

FRUSTRATING!!!

I'm NOT just going through the motions.  I do work hard. 

I work out 4 days a week.... for 3+ hours at a time!!! 
Maybe I should go to seven?

I lift hard when I'm there. 
Maybe it's not hard enough?

So I go... I do what I planned to do as far as my work out goes..... sometimes I even do extra.
But then some nights... it's as though I can't do ANYTHING right. 
I'm NEVER going to feel comfortable. 
I'm never going to feel confident.
Weights are a funny thing like that....
I go in one night not even wanting to be there.... I wanted to stay home.  And I PR on deadlift.
Then I go in another night feeling confident in my squat... only to have the Nazi police yell "LOWER"... and all is crushed.  The confidence I felt is gone.
I immediately feel like I can't get it right.....

{INSERT LIFE}

and the carry over.....
some days....
I feel like I've screwed up there too!

Please don't read this and think I'm just having a PITY PARTY for myself today.
That is not it at all.

I just think we are ALL guilty of getting on the dang INTERWEBZ and seeing people who INSPIRE us......but unfortunately - like the airbrushed people in the magazines - the SUNSHINE and RAINBOWS isn't always REAL!!!!  We have to remember that!
ESPECIALLY us as women!!!
Not just in lifting weights - but in LIFE!

Yes - that girl is "happily" married to HUNKY McDREAMY..... but no-one knows that he beats the crap out of her at night?!!  She puts on a pretty face and we think her world is perfect!  And we wonder why WE can't have HUNKY McDREAMY?

Yes - that tiny little girl lifts more than you and has ABS of STEEL.... but her mom died last year and she still struggles NOT to go home and drink a bottle of vodka every night before bed!  And we wonder how or WHY she spends SO much time in the gym?

We all have battles and daily struggles.  Right?!!

So - sure it's nice to get online and SHINE your beautiful light to inspire girls all around you.
But - let's be real too.
I WANT to inspire people
but I want to be REAL too.
When I'm feeling DOWN and FRUSTRATED - I say I'm down and FRUSTRATED.   I'm not gonna FAKE sunshine to cover up my tears!
I LOVE to lift...
I WANT to be a GREAT powerlifter!! 
I want people to be INSPIRED
But I don't want people to think I just woke up one day and deadlifted 300 pounds!  and it was EASY!
It's NOT!
There are DEFINITELY nights that I feel like I'm wasting my time and I spend more of the night in TEARS than in confident SMILES!!

I want to be OK with being divorced and the decisions I've made!
I want to be OK with slow progress in the gym.
But some days - they get the best of me and I want to punch a car!!
Some days facing those decisions and seeing those failures HURTS..... and I won't pretend that it doesn't..

I want you to believe ANYTHING is possible
But I don't want you to think it's ALWAYS going to be easy.
I will strive to INSPIRE - but I will also always strive to be REAL

Some may see that as WEAK and vulnerable.
I just think it's REAL
and isn't it about time that we ALL got REAL with each other!