Tuesday, August 21, 2012

If you can't say something nice.... then what?

Don't say anything at all??
Where's the fun in that?  Or the healing??

So I guess I'm breaking all the rules today.
Being politically "UNcorrect"....
Not biting my tongue.
Letting it all hang out. 
What's new there?!  ha
I don't intend it to be ugly - but today - I guess I'm just gonna write as if no one is reading..
quite frankly - no one probably is......
And maybe... this will be just another one of those blogs that gets lost out in the internet abyss.
Just a little open ended, having a bad day, wanna break something kinda blogging.

Today would have been my 2 year anniversary.

2 years ago I did "that thing" that everyone.... most..... some.... look forward to.  
You too guys....
Admit it.
Maybe not so much the act of getting all dressed up and walking down an aisle - but the security in knowing that someone has pledged their undying love to you.  The day that you honestly believe that there is another soul on this planet to walk with hand in hand.
The day that you put your complete trust and love and all your hopes and dreams into one other individual.  Forsaking all others.... and trusting that they feel and are doing the same.

It's the day that every LITTLE girl looks forward to  (I say "little" because as a young girl, all we know is to grow up and get married... we dress up in sheets and carry pretend flowers and believe that one day all our dreams will come true.  Then we grow up and realize, that is not ALL that life has to hold for us!!!)

You see....... 2 years ago, I fell into the belief that I had truly found a man who loved me.  Truly, honestly loved me.  And I had been fooled before.  Believe that.
I had waited and waited and held out on trusting a man fully with my heart.
2 years ago - I gave mine away.
Only to quickly find out - I was a band-aid... a piece of tape.... over a piece of gauze.... hiding all that was the "truth".

2 years later - I feel like such a fool.

Because now I look back and see all those red flags..... The ones that I ignored for "love"

And sadly enough... I see the path that has been taken since we divorced and I see he is doing the same exact thing to another woman.  Ironically - the one that he was wooing behind my back.
Another one that thinks... "Ohhhh - he loves me.  He's gonna be different this time.  I'm special.  this is real"  Because he makes you believe that is true.
On the outside looking in - it's easy to see all those signs... all those red flags.... all the warning signs.
And part of me wants to SCREAM at her and show her all that is being gauzed and taped and hidden with band-aids.  Part of me wants to warn her.....
Not to hurt him.
Not to judge him
But more to protect her.  And I don't even know her
But then I realize too  - that while he was wooing her while HE was married.... she was ALSO wooing him KNOWING he was married...... AS WAS SHE!!!!!!!
And I owe her nor him NOTHING.

2 years later...  I know that I am better off.
I know that he is the exact man that fooled me and BETRAYED me....
And I see that he is still that same man... walking the same path...
I KNOW that in 2 years I have healed and grown and have become a better woman for what I have been through....
I KNOW that!

And I know that I am now TRULY loved, respected and cherished by a man who knows me and believes in me and loves me like that other man NEVER did.

I am TRULY loved......
and I'm lucky.  And thankful for that.
I'm thankful to know what real, honest, love you above all others LOVE really feels like.

But I am really struggling today with letting go of the anger towards a man who robbed me of that infamous little girl day "dressed in sheets and carrying my fake flowers down the aisle"

And honestly today..... I should be celebrating and thankful that I got out when I did

I never thought I would have to say that.
I guess no one does.


Stacey said...

Sucks to be her! I'm happy you have found someone special.

Scope said...

It's okay to be angry on the day, as long as you don't live angry the other 364. Karma is a real bitch to cheaters.

I remember back 2 years ago and was wishing you the best. 2 years later, I still am.