Friday, May 27, 2011

How do you say goodbye

Tonight.... I am lost.
Tonight.... I don't know where I am.
Tonight.... I'm trying to hold to something I can't find.
my perspective
my peace.
When I was a little girl, all I wanted was a white persian cat with blue eyes.  I was almost obsessed with them.  Soon after I got out on my own, I was determined this would be one of my first purchases.  And then I met Fantasia.  She was almost white, but mostly, she was a big fluffy persian with those giant loving big blue eyes and the cutest little face I had ever seen. 

Tomorrow morning, I am taking my cat to have her put to sleep.  This... my cat I have had for 16 years.  She's as old as my son.  She's been with me through all the hard times and good times and high times and low times.  It seems old age has finally caught up.  My vet tells me she is suffering from dimentia now.   For a long time she has struggled with "using the potty" where the potty is located.  She finds places through out the house to go potty.  And it's just getting worse.  Sometimes I see her just sitting... rocking.... facing a wall.  It's gotten so bad that I have gone to great lengths to accomodate her.  In her own room, with only the litter box and food bowls.  She continues to go potty in the floor.  So - I have finally come to the realization that keeping her locked in a room to prevent her from doing things that she doesn't even realize she is doing wrong is not fair to her... and it's not fair to me. 
Her quality of life makes me sad  :(
So I have THAT to look forward to in the morning.
she will leave my life, just as she came in, 
just me and her.... 

Life takes us down many roads.
It brings people and animals in and out as we go. 
They come when they need them... some stay, and some move on.

So tomorrow I will say goodbye to my sweet "Fanny butt" Fantasia.
I'm not sure how to say goodbye...
I'm not sure how to be at peace with my decision...
but mostly....I'm not sure how not to BREAK.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Who is this kid? Who is this mom?

At 18, I found out I was pregnant.
Obviously, not being married and fresh out of high school, this was an unplanned big surprise to me...
Coming from a relationship with my mother that was not so perfect at the time, I planned to do everything "BETTER"!! 
I had NO idea what I was in for. 
After his birth, finding a joy and love in a child I never knew I could feel, I have also found a hurt that NO ONE else could ever put on me.

I have been a single mother for 15 years.  and YES - there have been hard times and OH YES, there have been many many mistakes.
I'm not perfect
nor did I ever claim to be
But I tried.... oh how I have tried.

My son is now about a week away from being 16.

And looking back over the years, I realize, being a mother is a constant looking back at what I did wrong.

I did my best to make sure my son always had not just his needs met, but also most of his "wants".  Turns out now all those things are taken for granted and being told NO makes me the meanest mom in the world.

I did my best to make sure the house was clean and clothes were washed and our place was nice, no matter where we lived.  Turns out now my son seems to be ignorant to what "cleaning your room" actually means, and even getting dirty clothes to the laundry room is a chore, much less turning on a washing machine or dryer.

I did my best to make sure decisions were made that would benefit him in the long run rather than making decisions based on a whim or a mood.  Turns out now all his decisions are based on what kind of mood he happens to be in that day.

I did my best to accentuate his talents in sports... basketball and baseball.  I did my best to make sure he always played and had what he needed and was praised for good efforts!  Turns out when everything was easy and handed to him, no effort was required on his part.  NOW anything that requires hard work or effort is not something he wants to be a part of.  He just wants to have fun.

I did my best to talk to him about peer pressure and alcohol and drugs and things he would soon be faced with.  Turns out I had NO idea how much more pressure there is on kids these days and things I thought he could stand up to, he didn't.

I did my best to raise him with values and work ethic and love and compassion and desire...
I did my best to show him how HARD we have to work everyday, but there is still time for fun...
I did my best to show him that no matter how hard life gets, his mom will always be here...
I did my best to show him that tough love means I love you, but I have to prepare you for hurt...

I did what I thought was right at the time, but I can say today that the more I thought I did right... the more that things just constantly remind me that it doesn't matter. 
Right or Wrong? 
There is no right or wrong!! 
All you can do is instill all the values in the world in your child and show them that you love them.
At some point, you have to release those mommy strings and LET THEM FALL.
and ohhhhhhhhhhh how that HURTS.
and ohhhhhhhh how it makes me feel like a failure and like I DID do everything wrong.

And every time I get a letter from a teacher at school, or a phone call from another parent, or a comment from my husband, or hear a story about a party, I am just reminded that after all these years....  I don't know who I am anymore... I don't know what to do anymore... I don't know where the line is between loving and letting go.

I don't know this child that resides in my home anymore.  And I don't know me anymore.
All I know is most days, my heart just hurts.
My pushing only causes fights.  He pushes back.
He's trying to spread his wings too.

So I walk away.... and let him fly.... and watch him fall.  And try to be here when he needs me.

I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore?
Did I EVER know??

Link up here to pour your heart out with Shelly - or go and read some of the other posts.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

**UPdate** ~35 things to do before I'm 35~

Well - I posted this a year ago......
my 35th birthday has come and gone.....
and as I look over this list - wow - I'm kinda depressed.
Although I did start school this year, which was a big one - I really didn't do much of anything else.
regardless.... I'm sharing

Here we go!
(in no particular order...)

1.  Get another tattoo.  One that is relevant...NOT done - if you will recall, when Preacher T and I first got together, this was something we talked alot about.  still not done. 
2.  Skydive AGAIN - this time - WITH video (first skydive was 5/2009)  NOT done - with full time school and tuition, no real time or MONEY for this one.
3.  Be completely (with the exception of home and car) debt-free!  ~NO more credit card charges!~  NOT done.  Again, leaving my full time job and not working didn't enable this dream although I did pay off ONE small one... baby steps
4.  I have my motorcycle license - but I want to be comfortable enough to get on and ride anywhere.  (need to log some miles!!)  absolutely ZERO miles logged.  BOO
5.  Re-paint and re-decorate my living room.... RED!  check!  DONE  with the help of some very sweet friends, my living room is now RED.  (no pictures hung yet though)
6.  Have my kitchen and laundry room tiled.  NOT done.  (back to the money thing)
7.  Give my testimony at least once (I have a MAJOR fear of public speaking)  hmmmm - I gave it in women's bible study class... that kinda counts right?
8.  Start a website (anonymous) for good Christian advice or just someone to talk to...  ~still brainstorming this one....~ I paid for a domain name, but being that I can't even find time to blog, I haven't done any more than that.
9.  Meet someone from blog land that I follow and admire!  NOPE
10.  I would like to find my waist and abs... this is an ongoing battle  I found them alright.... buried under layer upon layer of the consequences of sitting on my butt studying
11.  I want toned arms  - like I want people to say "wow, you have GREAT arms!"  you would think with all the books I carry that this one would be accomplished.... but NO
12.  Go on at least one "girls only" trip - even if it's just for the weekend.  ummm NO.  No time for trips.
13.  Make at least ONE trip to the beach  DONE.  yes.  Made it to Daytona Beach... yay
14.  Get started on my secret scrap book project  WHO was I kidding?
15.  Go to a Beth Moore conference  the one I wanted to go to was the same time as I was starting school.  So - another negative.
16.  Have a will  NOPE
17.  Know (be told) that something I have done or said inspired someone else....  I have been told this!  YAY
18.  Actually have money in a savings account  ummmmmm - NEGATIVE
19.  NOT be living paycheck to paycheck  ummmm.... what paycheck?
20.  Get accepted into Sonography school  YES!!!!!!!  YAY!!!!!!!  HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE.... BUT I'M THERE!!!!!!
21.  Run another 5K (hopefully running the entire time!) Negative.  I have not run again since the last 5K I ran
22.  Run a 5K with Preacher T & Z-man!  (wonder if that's on T's list!  HA)  also NEGATIVE.  big FAT negative.
23.  Commit to memory scripture that has impacted my life  not really....
24.  Read the bible all the way through....can't tell you how many times I have "started" this one  No
25.  Volunteer for a local charity or event  Have done really bad at this this year... I'm usually good.  Do have an upcoming event... but I still count this as a fail
26.  Go through my closet and REALLY take out things I don't wear.  Donate to charity.  YES - I have actually done this several times.  Change of career means change or wardrobe
27.  Work on going to bed earlier  (this could be the hardest one!) and getting up with time to get ready and not RUSH through the morning.  I'm counting this as a win.  I HAVE to go to bed earlier to get up at 3:30 AM
28.  Be comfortable praying out loud... (ok - THIS may be the hardest one)  negative.
29.  Stop impulse buying, only have what I need and not what I want. Easy to do when you have no money.
30.  Learn to play at least one song on a musical instrument that interests me.  Got a new piano at church, but it needs some cleaning..... and I need some refreshing!
31.  Get up one day and take off to an unknown destination just to see where the road takes me without a map.  Nope.  Not done.  Although if I can't find a local job in ultrasound, this might just happen!  ha ha
32.  Take a dance class  I think Zumba counts.... but only going a couple of times hardly qualifies as "taking" a class!
33.  Tell at least one person what  a difference they have made in MY life!  This I have done.  and done alot.  ESPECIALLY this past year!!
34.  BE physically fit.  period.  not "working on it" or whatever, but actually BE healthy.  Hard to be ANY kind of fit sitting on my butt studying all the time, and not working!!!  though the pocketbook makes it alot easier to not OVEReat!!!!!  ha ha
35.  Plant and grow something that I can eat or use to cook.... tomatoes, cucumbers, herbs...  (better get on this one!)  YAY!!!!!!!  Put out some tomatoes a few weeks ago!!!  Even through all the storms they are still standing..... here's hoping they actually produce and don't DIE!

Looks like I better start a NEW list!!!!!  and maybe give myself a little more time!!!!!  
40 thinks before I'm 40 ya think?!  
GOOD LORD I never thought I would be contemplating 40!!!!!!!!!  wheeeeeew!