I bid you ADIEU!

Today I would like to (and NOT like to) say Goodbye...
Farewell.
Adieu.
So long!
.....to soooo many things!!

First of all...... I have some baggage that I need to get rid of.
Some resentment.  A few hurt feelings.  A little bit of bitterness.

All tied up with a pretty little bow!
Letting someone hurt you should only happen one time.  Right?!

And once it is over... Its happened.. you've been hurt... It's OVER

And the longer you carry around that hurt and bitterness... The longer you are in turn hurting yourself.
Self-inflicted.
There are several people that are IN my life and some that are LONG GONE that have hurt me.  Whether it be big or little.... it hurt the same.  Sometimes it was ONE single small incident.  Sometimes it was REPEAT offenses that just kept coming!  

But in the end... all that was left was me being let down and hurt.  Disappointed.
And rather than leaving it there... I have carried it. 
I packed it up in a pretty little ANGRY package and I just drag it around with me everywhere I go.
I remember.
Sometimes I unpack it and hold it and roll it around and play with it..... and remember.
And I let it HURT me all over again.

I'm tired of being angry and hurt.  

I'm tired of putting faith in people who have let me down. 

I'm tired from carrying around all that baggage. 

Secondly .... I would like to say goodbye to people who I once thought were my friends.  As it turns out they were just there out of circumstance and not by choice.  They didn't choose to be my friend, they chose to speak if the opportunity presented itself but that is about as far as it went.  These are people I will now refer to as circumstantial acquaintances.  My biggest problem, or what I've been harboring you might say.... is when they were no longer associated with me... I took it personal. Like I wasn't a good enough person for them to be my friend by choice.  They befriended others but conveniently stopped having time for me. And it hurt. And I've gone on wondering what I could've or should've done different.  And I've carried that with me.  

Today I say goodbye to those circumstantial acquaintances and accept the fact that you can't be friends with someone who wasn't your friend to start with.  

And I will vow not to take it personal.

You see, contrary to popular belief, I am somewhat sensitive.  LOL
Because you see when I am your friend and loyal to you - I consider that a forever thing.  I consider you to be my friend FOREVER.  Not just my friend by convenience.  Not just my friend when certain things are certain ways... or whatever.

Anyway - long story short - I am giving up those bags that I've been carrying around with me.  Throwing them in the river and walking away.
I refuse to let other peoples decisions be personal to me.

And finally - the other thing I'm seriously considering goodbye to......
.... is my blog.
I love my place to run and vent and scream and yell and cry...  and to share and motivate and inspire.
But as of late it seems my place has gone stale.
I don't know why.... but I feel like it's stagnant here.  Like no one reads or cares anymore.  And even if they do stumble by to read... it's really of no value.

I don't feel like I motivate or inspire people here anymore.
I don't feel like people come here when they've had a bad day and say... "Thanks Tammy - I feel better".

Maybe I WAS carrying around too much bitterness and resentment of my own to BE inspiring?
Maybe I still do.......

I feel good about ME.  I am happy with where I am and who I am right now.
I am proud of my motivation and how far I have come and the things I have survived.
But for some reason.... it doesn't seem to be inspirational to anyone anymore.
And that was my goal for this blog.
To share my life.
The ups.... the downs.... the wrongs.... the rights....
To give people hope when there is none.
To show people you CAN survive and you CAN do anything......

But I don't know.....
lately I just don't feel like I'm very inspiring.

So I often wonder..... what good IS my blog.

Has it run it's course?
Is it time for a good old fashioned farewell here too......... time to walk away?
Another chapter closed?

Because for me....... if it's not inspiring.... if it's not uplifting..... if it's not sharing things with YOU that make you better or make you see things better... I've lost my purpose here.

Every NEW day... is NEW learnin!

As I have grown up... I've gone through many MANY phases!!
Haven't we ALL!!!!
Many things that I hated as a child - I learned to LOVE as an adult.  And vice versa!
Funny how that works.
Many things you took for granted as a kid - you sure do miss as an adult!  (lack of responsibility, no real worries.... and NAPS!  Man I miss NAPS!)

Anyway - almost every child hated SCHOOL growing up... you hated getting up, you hated going, you hated homework, who needs to learn Algebra?!  or about History?!
... really it's that whole tip-toeing into adulthood there that we loathe!!

But never the less, we all grow up and we have to begin to take responsibility for ourselves.  You now have things that YOU have to do... no one can/will do them for you.  Buy a house, buy a car, pay your bills, the list goes on and on.....

One thing that I have learned to LOVE as I've grown up is LEARNING!
the SCHOOL of.... LIFE!
*Let's not even touch on how I must LOVE to learn things the HARD way though!*   sigh....

I always joke about how I know a little bit about a LOT of things..... and this is because I just love to learn about things. (and then I lose interest quickly... I contribute that to my ADD!  lol)
I also for some inherent reason think that I AM capable of doing anything.
I might learn the hard way
I might make mistakes
I might not understand right out of the gate....
BUT
given the time and the patience and a few million grains of salt.....
I eventually figure things out
and THAT is the GREATEST feeling in the world.

I am finding this to be ALL TOO TRUE in powerlifting.

Here is my journey so far in a nutshell.

Day 1 - Didn't want to do it.  Didn't have a CLUE about it and didn't CARE to!
(I just wanted to train for a 6 pack - as does EVERY girl!  well... every girl WANTS one, just maybe not to TRAIN for one!)
Meet 1 - Did a meet with my boyfriend (for his birthday present because that's what he wanted)
HOOKED
The end.
ha ha

Kidding.......
Though that really WAS all it took me to get hooked; my competitive "I can do anything" nature took hold.
And I began REALLY training.... to pick up HEAVY WEIGHTS!!

And in the beginning....... being NEW and all.... it was PR after PR after PR!!!  (aka Pat on the Back, after Pat on the Back, after Pat on the Back... you're AWESOME!)
Guys... that's easy when you've never done a DEADLIFT in your life!!!
But ALAS..... over time...... those easy PR's don't come so EASY.
And I have found myself frustrated and overwhelmed by disappointment in myself.

I struggled so much (and still do) with my bench... my number wasn't going up and I couldn't figure out why.  I trained to get stronger but I still couldn't get the bench number up.  So I focused on form.  And I FINALLY feel better in my form so now it's just GET STRONGER!  (and of course PERFECTING that form I worked so hard on!)
and ...... NOW - I'm struggling with my squat.  I'm at a standstill.  I hit a number in February.....SEVEN MONTHS ago - that I have only hit a couple of times since... and definitely nothing ABOVE that number.  It's very frustrating.  Add on top of that a constant criticism of my form.  I can't seem to sit BACK in my squat!  I'm ashamed to tell you how many times recently I've had to walk away from the bar (in tears) and go "walk it off"!!  (in Tammy terms.... that means CRY!  that's how I show anger and frustration... FRUSTRATION at its finest!)

And then today - I was reminded....... I am doing things I never dreamed I could do!!
I have picked up 300 pounds off the ground (off boxes)   but that's 300 POUNDS!  Are you kidding me?!

Today someone said to me "I've been following your training."  And in just THAT one simple comment - I was reminded ....
I'm STILL LEARNING TOO!!!!!!!!!
And so are others!!!

I also saw something posted by a powerlifting trainer that reminded me... the learning comes over years... not in just a few months.  So much to learn.  So much to improve.  Constant training and learning and bettering myself to come...

I have been powerlifting for LESS than ONE year.   ONE
And although in my MIND I think I am invincible and capable of the IMPOSSIBLE ..... I am not.
There are things that just take time!! patience!  Grrrrrr
I have a TERRIBLE tendency to look online at these girls that lift insanely huge amounts of weights with beautiful form... and then I carry that to the gym with me.
And it's like trying to be a supermodel walking the runway on stilettos without ever wearing a pair of heels before...  it doesn't just happen overnight!


You know how they say life knocks you down and makes you stronger... and if that's the case, I should be able to bench press a BUICK!
Well I think life teaches you lessons EVERY SINGLE DAY and makes you SMARTER!!!  You know how as a kid you thought adults were so stupid and didn't know anything!!!  Well...... I wish I could take the KID version of myself and knock myself over the head with every adult that ever tried to TEACH me anything. You just can't be THAT smart until life has TAUGHT you about LIFE!
Period.


So in conclusion - I have learned alot this week!  About life and the sport of Powerlifting.

I've learned that EVERYTHING takes time and patience...and that's a good thing.  When things are handed to you on a silver platter with no effort, they just don't seem quite as dear to you.

I've learned that when you have a bad day, you should always remember that someone somewhere is watching your every move and comparing themselves to you.  Remember to SHINE!

I've learned that no matter how much you are disappointed in yourself - there is always someone out there that is proud of you and envies something about you.  And that is motivation.

I've learned that getting down on yourself about anything only destroys you and your confidence.  And it's just not worth it.  We all have bad days.

AND - I have learned that just when you think you have NOTHING to give or show for all your hard work, just when you least expect it........ life will SHOW you that everything you have fought for is worth every single minute!!!!!

**I did a mock meet last night..... and without going into much detail, I hit my biggest bench EVER, my biggest deadlift EVER, I matched my highest squat (with some still in the tank - and left it because I've been struggling with my squat), AND I hit my BIGGEST TOTAL EVER!!!**

Life will give you JUST enough to make you stronger...... not KILL YA!  Trust it!

In the words of DRE....... "it was a good day"

REAL is the new BLACK!

The interwebz might just BE the devil!

It's kinda like Hollywood; it's not always real life!!
It's really easy to photoshop that 6-pack and paint on that sunshiny smiley face and fake out some motivational "quotes"!

Maybe I AM too hard on myself...
*OK OK _ I AM too hard on myself*   
BUT I guess that is what has always kept me striving to be better!  STRONGER!  

And at the same time - it can also put me on my knees in a heartbeat!!

I don't NEED anyone else to judge me or criticize me, I do it enough myself!
*which is also probably why I get SOOOO defensive when someone DOES criticize me!*
hmmmmmm - WOW - I just had a revelation there!!!

Anyway......

As many of you know (if you follow me or know me AT ALL)
I am divorced.
The big "D" word!!! 
NOT knocking ANYONE out there who IS divorced... because shit happens.  We all know that.  Sometimes divorce is out of your hands.  It was OUT of mine.  I didn't make the decisions that took me down that road.  Nevertheless, that "D word"... that "check the box"... that "defining" of me STILL bothers me today.   NOT because I was wrong,
And definitely NOT because I'm not happier now that I've ever been!
~I have a guy that is like none other!  He loves me, respects me, is there for me...... he's my best friend!  He makes ME a better person.~
But MORE because I think it makes me feel like I failed at something.  I don't like that.  Period.  It makes me feel damaged.  Broken.  Not worthy.
And I hate that feeling.
I hate that I LET someone make me feel that way.
I know it's up to ME to change that feeling..... but sometimes it gets the best of me.  EVEN when I know I'm better off and that was a road I should have never gone down.  EVEN then... I tend to self inflict that pain and the act of "failing"

(yes yes - I'm twisted  - I KNOW!!!)

Anyway - I have digressed.... here is what I'm getting at.

I get on Instagram and the Interwebz and I see all these girls...... some SMALLER than me... lifting these ridiculously INSANE pounds of weights!! **And it inspires me** 
I go to the gym and I KNOW that it's possible because I've seen it done!  Then I get under a light weight and learn that my form is crap.  I'm not low enough... I'm not sitting back enough... I'm not square enough... my elbows are not where they should be....  I'm not progressing. 
My numbers don't go up.
Am I not working as hard as those girls?
Do I not have what it takes?
Am I NEVER going to get a correct form down?
Will I EVER be someone that people look at and are inspired?

FRUSTRATING!!!

I'm NOT just going through the motions.  I do work hard. 

I work out 4 days a week.... for 3+ hours at a time!!! 
Maybe I should go to seven?

I lift hard when I'm there. 
Maybe it's not hard enough?

So I go... I do what I planned to do as far as my work out goes..... sometimes I even do extra.
But then some nights... it's as though I can't do ANYTHING right. 
I'm NEVER going to feel comfortable. 
I'm never going to feel confident.
Weights are a funny thing like that....
I go in one night not even wanting to be there.... I wanted to stay home.  And I PR on deadlift.
Then I go in another night feeling confident in my squat... only to have the Nazi police yell "LOWER"... and all is crushed.  The confidence I felt is gone.
I immediately feel like I can't get it right.....

{INSERT LIFE}

and the carry over.....
some days....
I feel like I've screwed up there too!

Please don't read this and think I'm just having a PITY PARTY for myself today.
That is not it at all.

I just think we are ALL guilty of getting on the dang INTERWEBZ and seeing people who INSPIRE us......but unfortunately - like the airbrushed people in the magazines - the SUNSHINE and RAINBOWS isn't always REAL!!!!  We have to remember that!
ESPECIALLY us as women!!!
Not just in lifting weights - but in LIFE!

Yes - that girl is "happily" married to HUNKY McDREAMY..... but no-one knows that he beats the crap out of her at night?!!  She puts on a pretty face and we think her world is perfect!  And we wonder why WE can't have HUNKY McDREAMY?

Yes - that tiny little girl lifts more than you and has ABS of STEEL.... but her mom died last year and she still struggles NOT to go home and drink a bottle of vodka every night before bed!  And we wonder how or WHY she spends SO much time in the gym?

We all have battles and daily struggles.  Right?!!

So - sure it's nice to get online and SHINE your beautiful light to inspire girls all around you.
But - let's be real too.
I WANT to inspire people
but I want to be REAL too.
When I'm feeling DOWN and FRUSTRATED - I say I'm down and FRUSTRATED.   I'm not gonna FAKE sunshine to cover up my tears!
I LOVE to lift...
I WANT to be a GREAT powerlifter!! 
I want people to be INSPIRED
But I don't want people to think I just woke up one day and deadlifted 300 pounds!  and it was EASY!
It's NOT!
There are DEFINITELY nights that I feel like I'm wasting my time and I spend more of the night in TEARS than in confident SMILES!!

I want to be OK with being divorced and the decisions I've made!
I want to be OK with slow progress in the gym.
But some days - they get the best of me and I want to punch a car!!
Some days facing those decisions and seeing those failures HURTS..... and I won't pretend that it doesn't..

I want you to believe ANYTHING is possible
But I don't want you to think it's ALWAYS going to be easy.
I will strive to INSPIRE - but I will also always strive to be REAL

Some may see that as WEAK and vulnerable.
I just think it's REAL
and isn't it about time that we ALL got REAL with each other!

Never surrender

My life has been a series of "Never Give Up"'s

I suppose almost everyone can say that in some respect

Some speed bumps are given by life on a silver platter, and some are mere repercussions to decisions made

I look back through the years and it seems like since moving out at 18 - it's been one test of survival after another...

Raising a child... Going back to school... Divorce... Changing careers... Being betrayed... Being lied to... buying my first vehicle... becoming a home owner...
and now.... being a Powerlifter!!
None of these things were/are easy!

Don't get me wrong, there is LOTS of good in life.  I'm not THAT negative to believe that!  And I'm very thankful for that.  But even with the good, it seems there is almost always an underlying challenge screaming... DON'T GIVE UP!

Life's Challenges!

I had another mock meet this weekend. This is basically a powerlifting test to see where your current maxes sit... how much weight can you move when tested?!

Mine did not go so well.
Take a gander.....

And when I say that... Please allow me to put it n perspective without bogging you down in numbers and lingo.  My bench press is always my MOST disappointing lift.  Period.  I toy around with squats, some days better than others.. and I ALWAYS love deadlifts!!  But bench... Oh that dang bench. It sucks the life from me.  To the point of bringing me to tears.  Not "poor me" sad tears... But tears of anger and frustration.  Tears!!  

This usually leaves me with an "I'm too old for this.. new for this... terrible at this" mentality.  

Which is even MORE frustrating

My very first meet was in December of 2012.  I benched 85 (and probably had 90 in me, but jumped to 95 and missed it).  NOW... in September of 2013.... Almost 9 months later... I can get 95. MAYBE 100 on a good day.  That's 10 possibly 15 pounds on a GOOD DAY, added to my bench in 9 months.  TERRIBLE!!!!  Just terrible
It's a terrible return for my investment!

So when I finished Sunday night, I WAS in tears.
YES.  HELL YES I WAS!!!!!

I don't handle failure well.  I just don't.
I believe I can do ANYTHING. And I don't take no for an answer!

So why the CRAP am I crying??!!!

Yeh Tammy.  Why?!

So I wiped my face and though the encouragement and support of friends and getting online to seek advice, I have picked myself up off the ground and set myself upon a new plan. 

What you learn through time... and trial and error - in powerlifting, and LIFE - is what works for you and what doesn't!!!!

I know I'm still learning - I'm still a baby in the powerlifting world

I know I have to get my bench form perfected or its not going to go anywhere.   I have done accessory after accessory exercise, gaining strength with every lift... but without the right form for me, it's just gonna sit there

I have found a new DETERMINATION and MOTIVATION in the gym!  There is a fire in my soul that WILL figure this out and light that bench on fire!!  I will!!

Back to the drawing board with new goals, a new plan, a bigger fire... And my NEVER SETTLE attitude!!!

We have to face life in every aspect in this way.... otherwise life and every challenge you face will simply run you right over!!

So join me in starting this week with a positive NEVER SURRENDER I can accomplish anything mentality.
I will not let an exercise or a person or ANYTHING else get the best of me!

At the edge.... never a DULL moment

Maybe I talk too much
Maybe I say things before first passing them through a filter
Maybe I don't have a filter
Maybe I give my opinion when I should just be quiet
Maybe everyone doesn't WANT to hear MY story
Maybe I talk too much
tell too much
care too much
think other people care too much

But I don't care.
really...
I am who I am
I do what I do

There is no maliciousness is what I do or why I do it.
just me
Never a dull moment!

Foot in mouth or up my butt.
Whatever.

Some time ago I took up a sport that I would have never have imagined for me.
Powerlifting.  YES.
I'm 37 years old.... I'm a MOM....
I drank magnesium citrate this weekend in order to "make weight"...
YES... I'm a POWERLIFTER!
It's not something I would have ever imagined for me.
But it's perfect for me.... it's the epitome of pushing myself to the limit!

I have a mock meet tonight..... and I'm trying REALLY hard not to think about it!

I love the sport.  I do
I love pushing myself to the edge of what my limits appear to hold.

But the TESTING of my limits..... makes me sick.
Makes me nervous
People watching me... judging me... testing me.... makes my stomach flip upside down!!

But I will do it.  Cause I'm supposed to.  It's part of my program.
I'll do it.  I'll push myself and test myself and then I'll either be the happiest girl alive... or I'll punish myself for not being good enough.
It's what I do.
It's how I cope
I am my OWN WORST critic BY FAR!!!  There was a time when I couldn't squat plates (135)   But now I can do that easy... in warm ups.  But surprisingly.... THAT doesn't matter anymore.  What matters is I can't get 185 again... easy!!!  I know I CAN do it.  I should be squatting 200 easy by now.  I should be.
((Here I go again..... rather comparing myself NOW to myself BEFORE.... I tend to compare myself NOW to OTHER people NOW!  And it infuriates me... and DRIVES me to be better right?!!))

Never a dull moment!!!!

I do things that most won't......

Speaking of that....
we visited Waverly Hills this weekend.
Do you know what Waverly Hills is?

it's THIS!!!
an old TB Hospital where they treated people with TB.  People died like in flocks there..... there's even a death tunnel where they rolled them underground and out so that others didn't see the massive number of people DYING!!!!!
Patients were crazy.. and were experimented on....
The place is dubbed (almost) #1 MOST HAUNTED place in America.

We went on a 4 hour tour of the place.

The place IS MASSIVE!!!  You need WAY more time than 4 hours to go through it.
We had a guide that told us stories about some of the deaths there  (suicide, abortion etc.) .... he brought up some shadow apparitions to show us... he had them light up boxes and set off alarms on the boxes and some talked to us through a radio.

We walked that DARK DARK underground death tunnel.  (we turned out all of our lights and stood in the middle... you have never SEEN dark like that!)  We saw bats by the flocks... We saw the morgue.  I laid in a death tray.  (where they laid the dead bodies in the morgue before they rolled them out).  We visited the electro shock room.  It was crazy!!!

I don't know that I'm any MORE or LESS of a believer after the tour....... but it was something I had wanted to do!!!  CHECK

And I also know what a bat looks like up close and personal!!!  And how it feels to have one buzz your head!!  LOL

NEVER a dull moment!!!

Now I must set down the laptop and go prepare myself for this night.... of lifting and breaking PR's!!

I"ll let you guys know later how things go!