Back to square one

Today I'm sharing something I posted.....   well - long ago.

Thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I today - hold firmly to  :)

I hope you enjoy - but more than anything.... I hope you are inspired.

To give.

To LOVE.

To pray.

To trust in God - no matter WHAT the circumstances!!!!

Unconditional love is a term used to describe a love shared with someone regardless of the other's actions or beliefs.  It is comparable to the term "true love" which is used most often between lovers.  At the same time, unconditional love is frequently used to describe the love between family members, very good friends and also used to describe God's love for us through the forgiveness of Christ.

After a long intense (texted) conversation with a friend of mine recently, he asked me:  "Have u never had 100 percent true unconditional love?"  My response was - "other than my girlfriends & family, no."
Now - my girls and I definitely have an unconditional love for each other, but dating/relationship wise... no.  I don't think I have ever had a 100% shared unconditional love in any relationship.  (Thank God I'm still single then - right?!)  It seems one has always been more or less committed than the other, or one is looking for something more, or one is NOT looking to be serious... always something to break that bond.

Now - do I think I have LOVED unconditionally?  ABSO-freaking-LUTELY!!!!!!!  Every day of my life!  I just don't think it's ever been a mutually shared 100% love that was the same and REAL.  There are so many people that have passed through my life, some who still remain, that maybe I don't agree with and maybe I have had words with, and maybe, just maybe they turned their back and walked away from me.  BUT - I still contain so much love in my heart for them... sometimes it just pisses me off!  ;-)  BUT - at the same time, most days, I feel so lucky and blessed and I am so thankful for it. 
So in turn, I sometimes wonder if I was meant to just GIVE love and hope to those around me.  Like that is my gift from God... my big huge loving, forgiving, heart.  I can't even begin to tell you the number of times people have let me down or broken my heart.....but you know what's really weird and I have yet to figure out - I still to this day LOVE those people unconditionally.  6 months from the day you broke my heart, you could call me and ask for help and I'd be there.  I just can't NOT love or NOT give hope to everyone around me.  (i don't do it on purpose people....I can't help it!  ha ha)  I look at people and situations and I see hope..... (I don't always do that in my OWN life - but I'm VERY good at giving it to those I surround myself with!)
Now - don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I'm not WORTHY of being loved unconditionally OR that I am NOT loved unconditionally - it's just that the love is different with each I guess.  And in relationships, maybe I have been loved unconditionally but didn't share in it with the person.  I don't know. 

So I often wonder if my purpose here on earth is to go at it alone.  To love and give hope to those around me on this journey of life.   I was given a son by the grace of God to show me the REALMS of true neverending undying unconditional love......(because trust me, from one parent to another, no one can break your heart MORE than your own child - but we just keep on lovin them!)
I look at couples and I envy what they have.  I envy that bond that they have.  I envy them having someone to come home to at night.  I envy the touch of a man on the small of his wife's back.  ohhhhh - there are so many little things that people take for granted that I see.  I see them every day.  And they used to make me sad........they used to make me lonely.  They used to make me look at God and say "IT'S NOT FAIR!"
But no more.

Today (this is a work in progress people) I'm learning to be thankful for the gift God has given me.  I don't have to just share my love with one......I get to share it with everyone I meet.  Oh yeah - I have been and will again be let down & have my heart broken, but that's ok.  Because even when that person walks away, they will now have a piece of unconditional love - and even if they have never seen it or felt it before, I promise you - that they will never forget what it felt like.   =)

my footprints in the world..........

Love is a gift.....do you give & receive?

All of my life....just like every other ridiculously hopeless romantic girl out there......I have waited and searched and dreamed of falling in love....

You've thought about it......

you've played it out in your head....

you've dreamed about it......

you've watched ALL those movies and all those couples....

Harry and Sally (When Harry met Sally); Mandy Moore and Shane West (A Walk to Remember); Kat and Nick (The Wedding Date); Gray and Fritz (Catch and Release); Richard Gere and Debra Winger (Officer and a Gentleman).........

ok ok ok - you get the idea.... girls are now melting out of their chairs and the guys have excused themselves to the bathroom

Many times in life, I got lost on backwards paths and lost focus of what I was really searching for and almost settled for less...several times actually...
But in my heart, I always knew there were so many things that I was looking for.  And I refused to give up faith in that... (no matter HOW many times people told me I was stupid for believing in "fairy tales")
As the years passed, the list grew longer and longer and I began to realize, it was gonna take a very special man to fill that list.  I have since come to realize who I am, who I've become, what I need and what I will and won't give and take on.  Focus was slowly shifted and eventually I let go of that search.  I put my life and heart in God's hands - I let go - and ironically enough....THAT is when God stepped in.

I met a man that filled the bill.  He checked every box on the list.  And then, the more I got to know him, I realized he checked even more than I had on my list.  He checked more than I ever dreamed or ever thought I would want or ever find!!  And over time, I learned more about myself because of him.  He brought out things in me that I had buried, that I had forgotten and things that I had put on back burners because they just weren't important to me anymore.

He truly made me a better me.... but even more importantly, he gave me hope.  He gave me faith.  He made me strong again and he made me believe in life and love and ME again.  Not that I ever gave up on these things, but I think I had given up on them happening to me...

These things no one can ever take away from me again.

NO matter what happens to that man that walked into my life, whether he plays a role in my future, or whether he moves on to bigger and better things....
my life will forever be changed.  I have given and I have received.

So - sometimes, when I lay my head down and let myself be engulfed with where I am and how this all happened, I just can't breathe.  It's amazing.  The entire story... the story of where he has been, the story of where I have been and the most amazing thing is this:  how my life and his life ran almost parallel to each other in different worlds and eventually brought us together...when God was ready... when God knew WE were ready and probably at a time when He knew we NEEDED each other the most... 

Through each relationship in my past, through each mistake, each wrong turn, each heartbreak, each lesson learned, it brought me closer to a man that proved my expectations are NOT too high...  he proved to me that you can love and be loved.  It may not always be in the time or the capacity that you expect it to be, but love is real and it is all around us.......and it's a gift.

Sometimes, we get to keep that gift.  And sometimes, it is only yours for a short time and then you must give it away to someone or something else.....

I thank GOD that I have never settled for less than what he has in store for me  :)

So as I think back on some of those great love stories and the GREAT lines from those movies... I realize - each story is different.  Each is unique.  How they get to each other is special and you can never COPY someone else's fairy tale... you have your own...God is writing MY love story right now!  (and boy is it ever a novel! ha) 

When Harry Met Sally (1989)
 “I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich...I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.”

A Walk to Remember (2002)
 “Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself. Like this journey never ends. Like you were sent to me because I'm sick. To help me through all this. You're my angel.”

The Wedding Date (2004)
Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close... your... eyes. You're safe. You can relax. I'm not going to kiss you. He's gonna be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are.”

Catch and Release (2006)
“I left out the complicated stuff, like how it took losing you forever for me to truly find you. I told them I loved you and that's the truth.”

Notting Hill (1999)
“I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

Love Actually (2003)
[in English] “It's my favorite time of day, driving you.”
[In Portuguese] “It's the saddest part of my day, leaving you.”
[Neither understands the other's language]

Pretty Woman (1990)
“So what happens after he climbs up and rescues her?
“She rescues him right back.”

The Notebook (2004)
“Yes... it wasn't over, it still isn't over.”

Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005)
"Helen, if I'm away from you for more than an hour, I can't stop thinking about you. I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more than I pray for myself. I've got it so bad for you I'd... I'd go to the grocery store and buy your feminine products, I swear I would. "
AND
my ALL time FAVORITE (this movie has the BEST quotes!)
"I know you don't believe in fairy tales. But, if you did, I'd want to be your knight in shining armor. You've been through so much. I don't want to see you hurt anymore. Now I may not be able to give you all that your used to. But I do know I can love you past your pain. I don't want you to worry about anything. You just wake up in the morning, that's all you have to do and I'll take it from there. There's one condition. You have to be my wife. "



I read a blog today that I found from a quote put on someone's facebook.
The story is of a man who visits his wife in a nursing/retirement home every day.  The wife has Alzheimers and doesn't even remember who the man is.  When the man is questioned as to why he would still go since she doesn't know he's there anyway.... his reply is.... "I still know who she is."
Neverending, unconditional love.
True Love.
WOW!  Do you love like that?!

The quote from the story is this:

 "True love is neither physical, nor romantic. 

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be"

I consider myself blessed because no matter what happens in the rest of my life, I can say I KNOW what true love feels like.  I know how to GIVE and I know how to RECEIVE.  And no matter what capacity the gift was exchanged... it is something that will leave footprints in my heart that can never be taken away....not just one....but LOTS! 

Progression...Regression... with a smidge of INSANITY!

Progression:  The act of progressing forward;  onward movement.  (which way IS forward?  who decides that?  what if your forward goes around a curve... then are you going the wrong way?)

Regression:  The act of going back to a previous place or state; return or reversion.  (why is this considered a bad thing?  what if the previous place was a GOOD place?)

Insanity:  A derangement of the mind.  (Someone once defined this for me - yes HE was implying I was insane - the jerk he said insanity is the act of doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.  Well guess what - what if I just needed PRACTICE!  that does not insanity make!  It makes me smarter and more experienced than YOU!  HA!)

It's funny how we go through phases in life.... how at different points, different things are important to us.  How we work soooo hard to progress.... move forward... be BETTER.... not regress!  Sometimes I look back on my life and for some reason, I seek out these "milestones" as proof that I'm progressing.  Some sort of proof of my success I guess.  So what - I win!?  I win at life if I collect all my worldly trophies?  nahhhhh  not really!

9-5 job - CHECK

bought a house - CHECK

got that coveted gently used SUV - CHECK

graduated college - CHECK  (fiiiiiinalllllllly!)

kissed a girl - HA HA HAAAAAAAAA  kidding!!!!!!!  {just making sure your paying attention - SHUT UP T!}

married - uhhhhh no  {so I skipped one - sue me!}

had a child - CHECK

be a stay at home mom - uhhhhhhhhhh NOPE!  not now or EVER!  ha ha  (shout out to all you moms who CAN do that........Not I!)

You get my point?!!  those milestones that everyone measures themselves to....


I think sometimes I overwhelm myself by being soooo consumed with those milestones that I measure my life WAY too much!  Sometimes I'm just sick of milestones......and wondering if I'm progressing or regressing or just plain INSANE!  Some days, I just wanna get up and forget all those dumb milestones.  WHO are they really measuring up for anyway?  Is someone keeping score?
What the crap!?  WHO decides if I'm successful or not?

Answer:  ME!
and you wanna know how I measure that???????
all the LOVE that surrounds me.

When I bought my house.... on my own.... just me and little Z - I thought WOW - I have really met a mile marker here.  I'm strong, I'm independent {hear me ROAR}... I have really proved something!  woot woot!!!
but......although I'm thankful to have a roof over my head......I would walk away right now and never look back if my family or friends needed me to go.
No regrets and never one ounce of feeling like I regressed.

When I got my "normal" 9-5 job.... I thought WOW - look at me in my office (with NO window), working normal hours, like a normal girl... raising my kid, paying my bills... look at me how successful I am.
Well recently - money has been tight and bills get harder and harder to stretch.. and college is just around the corner for Z.  So I have settled into accepting I am gonna need a 2nd job for a bit.  And for just ONE minute, I chastised myself for "regressing" back into the ol' waitressing days!   But how LUCKY am I that I have that opportunity?

So I just wanted to share with you that all those dumb milestones out there are CRAP!

I'm not saying don't work hard and be responsible....

I'm simply saying this....

I measure my success by knowing I have a family that would sell everything they had to take care of me if I needed them to.
I measure my success by knowing that I have life-long friends that would get up in the middle of the night no matter what they had going on, to come hold me while I cry over some stupid emotional breakdown.  And better still.... I measure my success by having friends that KNOW I will ALWAYS be here and they count on me for that.
I measure my success when my son tells me he loves me EVERY time we hang up the phone. (yes - even at age 15!)
And I measure my success when I look into T's eyes and see ME... for who I truly am... me... just as I am.  Crazy xanax flaws and all...And I know that I have never experienced a genuine mutual self sacrificing love like that before.

And mostly - I measure my success by knowing that ALL the people I am lucky enough to be blessed and surrounded with........would still be here if I lived in a cardboard box down by the bridge and swept floors at the local mini mart on the graveyard shift and had only two teeth and holes in my jeans and grocery store feet... well - you get the idea!!!

I'm surrounded by unconditional love  - and that my friends is immeasurable!

& it's the only milestone I need!

 

Now that I have poured my heart out - click that button there and go read some other fabulous stories and share yours.  Then link up with Shell at Things I can't Say.  

And especially click on the link below for Mission Monkey.  Read about Monkey and link up with his mom.  You will find all you need over at IAN's Daily Dose of Reality plus an upcoming auction to raise money for them:

Click on monkey to donate...please help!

fairy tales do NOT inspire me - YOU inspire me to write my OWN fairy tale!

People come into our lives...
and people run out....
You never know how long someone will stay, so treasure every moment you get to spend with your special friends, with your family, with ALL the ones that mean so much.  You never know when time will move on and their presence in your life will be done.
You just have no control over the big picture.
But remember this......everyone you surround yourself with should inspire you!
Surround yourself with people that make YOU better... or make you STRIVE to BE better!
Fill your life with joy and happiness and people that make you want to smile all the time!
and most of all - PUSH YOURSELF to inspire someone else!

I haven't talked about T much on my blog lately - so I figure a good GAG session is due here.  I know all my squishy gushy lovey dovey friends will appreciate this.

I dated a guy some time ago who tried to convince me that the reason girls are so unhappy today is that we are all looking for a fairy tale.... that doesn't exist.  That we all have some false expectation that we expect men to live up to... like in the movies..  you know the ones I speak of - those tear jerking romantic comedies.   In fact, at one time, I had this blog in progress about the whole Disney persona and how it's SUCH crap.
Guess what.....
HE IS WRONG!!!!!

I don't care WHO you are, WHAT you've done, or WHERE you have been
you DO deserve a fairy tale, and I promise you, if you will just stop trying to MAKE your own fairy tale and let life happen, you will not be able to fathom how your very own fairy tale will play out.

I HAVE met my prince. 
NO - it's not all sunshine and rainbows 24/7.  We've had our moments.  But the beauty in a real life fairy tale is not that he saved me from a dragon or kissed me and woke me from a deep sleep.  WELL - not those things physically....  BUT in a manner of speaking - he DID.  He saved me from myself.  He showed me that we are ALL special and ALL deserve to be treated just like someone right out of a fairy tale.  OUR OWN fairy tale.  Every one is different and every story will be different - but fairy tales are REAL. 
It's all in how you look at it.
What I have with T is not what I thought my fairy tale would be.
it's EVEN BETTER.
I just had to stop looking for what I thought was my story - and just let go - and let someone love me.
So many times as single girls, especially when we've been single for a long time, we shut people out.  We block.  And then we sit back and wonder "where our prince could be"
Let go.
Let somebody love you.
Stop judging everyone and take people for what and who they are, NOT how they measure up to some false standard you have built up for yourselves.
Let somebody love you....  and make sure they inspire you!
You never know when that someone might be the prince that you never expected.

I still today find myself tempted to try to write my own story instead of just enjoying each day.  Over this past weekend, T and I had some pretty serious talks.  And we had some very special moments.  Moments and words that I will NEVER forget... There are some really big things that are about to happen in our lives...... and I realized at the end of the day, I had fallen in love with him ALL OVER AGAIN.  Ya know - that take your breath away, heart racing out of your chest IN LOVE feeling all over again....  (how did I get so lucky?)
He inspires me.  He makes me want to be BETTER.  He pushes me.  He believes in me.....even on days when I don't believe in myself.
And I can honestly say - I have never wished for more happiness and joy and love for anyone ever in my entire life.
Some days that feeling is just overwhelming.

"When silence fills your world, I'll be the one that knows what you're thinking; And when passion burns like fire, I'll be the one bathing in the light; When the curse of darkness falls, I'll be the one who offers a candle; I'll even be the cushion for things that go crazy in the night" ~enjoy the song below~

I love you T  :)
and thank God for you EVERY DAY!

I wish for you ALL love, joy, hope & peace... but most of all - I wish for you ALL inspiration in your life!!
I am so thankful for all I have been blessed with and if there is anything God can give me to pass on to you - I am here... ready and willing  :)

Unrealistic expectations...

**REPEAT** and then some!

This is gonna be a short one because it's midnight and I have GOT to get some sleep, but I do want to throw this out there.......
I have been told on several occasions recently that I might have unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating. I was told this by male and female! And at first I was completely thrown for a loop. BUT - through a LOT of talking and soul searching with one of my girlfriends this weekend - I am now beginning to question myself.
DO I HAVE unrealistic expectations??

I'm a pretty simple girl. I'm really easy to make happy. Love, respect, trust, adoration... are those things REALLY that much to expect and ask for?
Yes - I do joke about being high maintenance, and in some respects, maybe I am, because I have waited 33 years to be LOVED! And I guess I do hope that when I FINALLY meet my future husband that there will be fireworks! and I don't mean fireworks all the time, or immediately after the first date, and I don't mean that everything has to be perfect! BUT I do mean I need that feeling in your stomach thats all butterflies and nerves but at the same time - can't wait to hear from him again - kinda feeling!
I know that love and dating is not ALL sunshine, but don't you think that in the beginning - when things are the easiest that there should be some sort of romance and pursuit and I don't know, making plans based on what might make someone else happy?

I was also recently told that "chick flix" are what give women false expectations about dating... I also beg to differ on this point. I DO know that girls get all sappy and teary eyed over movies like "Pretty Woman" and "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Wedding Date" - but I can also tell you - that I don't think that living life as a hooker and having a millionaire falling in love with you is realistic or what women expect. I don't think women expect to pay for a HOT escort for a wedding and the man fall madly in love with them. (NOW - don't get me wrong - the thought DOES cross our mind.... but it's not realistically expected!  OH the scene where he leans her up against the car and tells her to close her eyes....H.O.T.)  uhhh...yeah.... moving on.....As much as we love those movies, we KNOW this isn't REAL LIFE.
I WILL say this though : women DO expect a guy to call - ESPECIALLY when they say they will call; women DO expect a guy to make plans that involve them and are all about them from time to time; women DO expect to be treated with respect; women DO expect to be "courted". Women DO expect and deserve to be a priority!  So sure - we HAVE expectations
but what makes them SO unrealistic????

One of my favorite lines from a movie is from "Wedding Date"
Kat Ellis: You know what pisses me off? I've been spilling my guts all weekend and I don't know a thing about you.
Nick Mercer: [pause] I'm allergic to fabric softener. I majored in comparative literature at Brown. I hate anchovies. And I think I'd miss you even if we never met.

I don't "EXPECT" a guy to QUOTE wedding date to me - I don't expect anyone to actually say that they would miss me if we had never met - but I DO expect a man to feel that way about me before I choose to let him in and spend the rest of my life with him.
is that REALLY so unrealistic? :(

**I originally posted this in September of 2009.  I would like to say now......to all you single ladies out there - DON'T ever lose those "unrealistic expectations" cause they are NOT unrealistic!!! 
DON'T settle!  just don't do it!!!!!!
We do deserve to be treated with respect and adoration and to be made to feel special.  You should ALWAYS be a priority in a man's life... not just something sitting on a shelf or simply a convenience on his time.
THAT is not unrealistic!
I waited 33 years and although I did finally give up on finding someone and gave all the worry and fret to God, I NEVER gave up believing that IF God had someone for me, he would possess all the qualities that I deserve!  And guess what..... He DID bring me someone that is EVERYTHING I have ever wanted and even some things that I didn't even KNOW I wanted!!!!  {Some of those things I think I might want to trade-in later for something else!!!  ha ha}
someone will be perfect for you.... don't settle for anything less   =)

Another of my favorite quotes from a movie is from "As Good as it Gets"
Jack Nicholson looks at Helen Hunt and says "You make me want to be a better man"

THAT my friends is what love does
you just make each other better!
(Also if you missed it the first time around, I also did a post on Love v. In Love - check it out!  It's a VERY intense good post - one of my favorites!!  tell me what you think!!!)

and...ONE more quote:
from the recently released "Valentines Day"
"When you love someone, you love ALL of them, because that's the job"
LOVE IT!

You will never convince me otherwise!!!!!!!!!

Motivational (musical) Monday :)

So - I had a REALLY rough night last night and I've been struggling with what to share today in order to be ANY KIND of "motivational" for anyone else.......
It is so amazing to me that the ones you LOVE the most are the ones who can HURT you the most... unintentionally even.  My son and I had a really tough night last night.  He said lots of things to me... not to be intentionally hurtful - but instead he was sharing his honesty in how he feels I have hurt him.  Now granted - he's 14 and emotional and has a skewed perspective on things that have happened in our lives as he's been growing up.  BUT - even knowing all of that - his words can cut me to the bone. 
I don't let him know that.  He has a right to express his feelings too.  So I listen.... and try to explain the best I can.  THEN - I go to my room, shut the door and slowly let my heart break.
This morning was tough... recovering from a night full of tears and regret and heartache.

But - as always......when you are at your worst - God will send answers and healing; you just have to have faith and the patience to wait for it.
I'm not saying all my problems are solved, but I am saying - when I am at my worst, God gives me music and answers and he sends people to help heal that hurt.. and I know that everything is going to be alright.

2 things I'm sharing today.

First - I got a message from Adam today that said this:  EVERYDAY GODS GRACE, LOVE AND MERCY IS SUFFICIENT FOR US. IT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH. ITS ALL IN THE PERSPECTIVE IN WHICH WE CHOOSE TO LOOK AT THINGS, FEEL THINGS, AND APPROACH THINGS.
He's right - and when you are sad and nursing a broken heart - it's nice to know that someone can remind you that you have lost perspective!  ;-)
So - I'm passing on his message to all of you...  when you feel sad and defeated, take a minute to step back and change your perspective...

The other thing I'm sharing is a song I heard today.
I put in the lyrics also.
Today - I just want to thank God for ALL the love in my life.  God's love, Adam, my son (though I have to look a little harder to see that one - ha), my family, my extended family, and all my friends.
I hope the song touches you too and reminds you of all the love around you.... with that - you can get through anything.

"Unstoppable"

So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all
When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it

CHORUS
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Love, it weather any storm
Bring you back to being born again
oh, it's a helping hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shinning on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there's no way out

CHORUS
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Like a river keeps on rolling
Like the north wind blowing
Don't it feel good knowing
Yeah

CHORUS
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love is unstoppale

So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love, love is unstoppable

Loving unconditional is a gift from God.......most days

Unconditional love is a term used to describe a love shared with someone regardless of the other's actions or beliefs.  It is comparable to the term "true love" which is used most often between lovers.  At the same time, unconditional love is frequently used to describe the love between family members, very good friends and also used to describe God's love for us through the forgiveness of Christ.

After a long intense (texted) conversation with a friend of mine recently, he asked me:  "Have u never had 100 percent true unconditional love?"  My response was - "other than my girlfriends & family, no."
Now - my girls and I definitely have an unconditional love for each other, but dating/relationship wise... no.  I don't think I have ever had a 100% shared unconditional love in any relationship.  (Thank God I'm still single then - right?!)  It seems one has always been more or less committed than the other, or one is looking for something more, or one is NOT looking to be serious... always something to break that bond.

Now - do I think I have LOVED unconditionally?  ABSO-freaking-LUTELY!!!!!!!  Every day of my life!  I just don't think it's ever been a mutually shared 100% love that was the same and REAL.  There are so many people that have passed through my life, some who still remain, that maybe I don't agree with and maybe I have had words with, and maybe, just maybe they turned their back and walked away from me.  BUT - I still contain so much love in my heart for them... sometimes it just pisses me off!  ;-)  BUT - at the same time, most days, I feel so lucky and blessed and I am so thankful for it. 
So in turn, I sometimes wonder if I was meant to just GIVE love and hope to those around me.  Like that is my gift from God... my big huge loving, forgiving, heart.  I can't even begin to tell you the number of times people have let me down or broken my heart.....but you know what's really weird and I have yet to figure out - I still to this day LOVE those people unconditionally.  6 months from the day you broke my heart, you could call me and ask for help and I'd be there.  I just can't NOT love or NOT give hope to everyone around me.  (i don't do it on purpose people....I can't help it!  ha ha)  I look at people and situations and I see hope..... (I don't always do that in my OWN life - but I'm VERY good at giving it to those I surround myself with!)
Now - don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I'm not WORTHY of being loved unconditionally OR that I am NOT loved unconditionally - it's just that the love is different with each I guess.  And in relationships, maybe I have been loved unconditionally but didn't share in it with the person.  I don't know. 

So I often wonder if my purpose here on earth is to go at it alone.  To love and give hope to those around me on this journey of life.   I was given a son by the grace of God to show me the REALMS of true neverending undying unconditional love......(because trust me, from one parent to another, no one can break your heart MORE than your own child - but we just keep on lovin them!)
I look at couples and I envy what they have.  I envy that bond that they have.  I envy them having someone to come home to at night.  I envy the touch of a man on the small of his wife's back.  ohhhhh - there are so many little things that people take for granted that I see.  I see them every day.  And they used to make me sad........they used to make me lonely.  They used to make me look at God and say "IT'S NOT FAIR!"
But no more.

Today (this is a work in progress people) I'm learning to be thankful for the gift God has given me.  I don't have to just share my love with one......I get to share it with everyone I meet.  Oh yeah - I have been and will again be let down & have my heart broken, but that's ok.  Because even when that person walks away, they will now have a piece of unconditional love - and even if they have never seen it or felt it before, I promise you - that they will never forget what it felt like.   =)
my footprints in the world..........