Are you CrAzY?!!! Nope. PASSIONATE!

What are you afraid of?

ME?

Nothing!

I've always been the girl that will try anything once. 
I firmly believe that life is to be LIVED.... not just coasted through!
What fun is it to get up and do the same thing day after day with nothing to make your heart race?!!
How do you even know you are ALIVE if you don't push yourself to the edge every now and then???

I've never understood people who don't CRAVE adventure.... people who don't CRAVE to feel that feel of your heart beating out of your chest.... people who never feel a TRUE PURE adrenaline rush....
I don't understand people who just crave the mundane... the ordinary... the lack luster of doing the same thing day in and day out and never wishing for more!!!

It bores me.

Maybe I'm not normal.... or maybe I'm not your normal.  Maybe something is broke inside me.... but I like to KNOW that I've done something awesome.  I like to wake up the next day and think "MAN - I can't believe I did that... it was AWESOME!"

When I die I want to know that I left a mark on this ol' crazy world.

And until then.... when my son thinks about or tells people about his mom.... I want him to have a fire in his soul when he speaks my name.  When my parents tell people about me, I want them to radiate a sense of pride that can hardly be duplicated.  I want them to talk about my FIRE and my PASSION and my FEARLESS spirit.  When Brad introduces me to people, I want to see a LOVE and RESPECT and PASSION in his eyes that can only come from a man willing to LIVE this life as an adventure right beside me.... every.  single.  day!!  I want to be the one my friends call when they come up with a spur of the moment hair brained idea to drive to FL for the weekend!!  Or better yet.... I'll come up with the hair brained idea.... I just want to be surrounded my friends that say "what time are we leaving?".

I want to be GREAT.  I want to INSPIRE.  I want to ENCOURAGE.  I want people to believe in their potential and their greatness!!  I want people to LIVE and enjoy every single day!

Does this make me CRAZY?!!
Maybe!
But I promise you that a day in my life is way more fun than living every day in fear of trying something new.

I might push myself too hard and too close to the edge sometimes... but I never curl up in my bed because I'm scared of failing.

I will not fear FAILURE!!!
I will fight till the end... and IF I fall..... I will simply get back up and try again.  And if I discover that the path I'm on only ends with a dead end... I'll find another path to get to where I'm going.  I do not believe in IMPOSSIBLE.  I only believe that there is more than one way to anything that you think might be POSSIBLE.... the hard part is finding the right path and never giving up.

Sheeeeeeeewwwwww.....
and on that note..... I've got myself all fired up and I'm rambling.

What I want to say is I am 38 years old.  I never really played sports or worked out or cared anything about eating right or lifting weights.  Sure I've done some time in the gym playing like I was doing something... what?.... I'm not sure.   But these past couple of years - I have once again proved to myself that as humans - we are capable of anything we put our minds to!!!

This past weekend I competed in another powerlifting meet.
I trained HARD up to this meet - but even with the training and the planning and everything that went into going into this meet..... I still somehow managed to AMAZE myself!!!
And I LOVE that feeling!!!

I squatted 275 pounds.  Yeh.  I did.   I had a bar with 275 pounds on it ON my back and I did a squat.  And I didn't die!  ha ha
You must understand that when I started lifting weights I couldn't even DO a body weight squat without stumbling.  And then I tried with a broom handle and actually did FALL on my butt!!!
BUT 2 years later - I put 275 pounds on my back and took it for a ride!!!

Don't tell me you can't work out.  Don't tell me you're not strong.  Don't tell me you're weak!
You aren't
Your body IS strong..... you just need to convince your mind of that.
THAT is the hardest battle.

Don't be SCARED... just JUMP!!!
BElieve in YOUrself!

Pick up a barbell.  Sign up at the gym.  Go skydiving.  Go whitewater rafting.  Drive across country.  Dye your hair.  Cut your hair.  Go to work without makeup.  Go a week without shaving your legs.  But a $200 pair of shoes.  Sleep in sexy lingerie.  Make the phone call.  Send the email.  Apply for the job.  Quit your job.  EAT A DONUT!!!!!!

Whatever it is holding you back from the passion that is missing from your life......... KNOCK it in the face, and just DO IT.  Don't let your mind convince you that you are weak or crazy.

LIFE IS FOR LIVING!!!!!!
We are all headed to a tombstone some day..... there will be two dates on it.  But the most IMPORTANT part that you leave behind is what you put in that "dash".  Live your dash with PASSION!!!  That's what people will remember!

Here's a video of my meet this past weekend.
What I did this day... even if it is the last thing I ever do - proved to me that with enough hard work and passion - you CAN do so many things that you never dreamed were possible!

LIVE YOUR DASH!!!!!!!!!

Just do it... BE beautiful!

I read this quote recently...
and it got me to thinking..

Don't talk about me, until you have talked TO me.
Don't underestimate me, until you challenge me.
Don't judge me until you KNOW me.

I love powerlifting.
It's no secret.
I love my job, I love my friends, I love my family, I love powerlifting.
These are the things that make me happy  :)

Today, Brad and I were asked to join in a work out at a gym.  The gentleman that invited us owns the gym and trains there.  I thought we were just going to work out and train with some peeps.  Maybe demonstrate some "heavy" lifts, as this was a starting strength class.  As it turns out, Brad and I actually helped some people work on their deadlifting technique.  Which was quite an honor actually.

BUT for those of you who know me, I'm not a public speaker, so just standing up in front of a crowd and being asked to speak KINDA freaks me out.  So I asked Brad to talk and I would go through the motions and demonstrate.  But even then, as I was standing there, all I could think was "should I even be standing here?"

As I said, I LOVE powerlifting and what I do.  But I guess I just don't feel qualified to be demonstrating or teaching or training or instructing or whatever you wanna call it.  I am honored that we were asked, and I'm humbled by the experience.  But in my head I kept repeating "I'm not worthy"!  I'm not good enough to be standing here!!

I WANT to be someone that people look up to and feel comfortable watching and asking questions!!  But there are sooooo many people out there better and stronger than me.  Again, Im just not worthy!!!

Then I read that quote

And I realized how FAR I have come!!!

No. I'm not THE best out there. No I don't have a set of state or world records in my pocket ( I mean I have Shana Ratcliff, Caitlyn Trout and Stephanie Tomlinson all in MY state!!). 

But YES. I have won meets. Yes I DO train HARD!!! Yes I do have goals and I have come a LONG way from the first day I touched a barbell!!!  (Which was only about two years ago!)

So when I stand in front of people who ask "what can I do!?" rather than feeling inexperienced and inadequate, I need to remember how far I have come!!!

Don't stand back there and talk about me until you have talked to me.  Hear my story... I didn't turn into a powerlifter overnight!  And I may not have records but I AM strong!!!  Challenge me!  Push me!  We all thrive on that!!  Motivate me just as I hope to motivate you!!!

And don't judge me based on someone else's opinion.  Judge me on me alone... when you KNOW me!!

I do hope that I left those ladies with a few tips to help them get stronger.  And I do hope that I made them feel comfortable in knowing that we as women CAN train and be strong and be better for it!!!

I hope that the next time the opportunity presents itself I can feel more confident in who I am and what I do.  Not only in powerlifting, but in life as a whole

We as women are so harsh and judgemental of each other.  This in turn causes us to be unsure and insecure in life

We need to remember.....

A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it, it just blooms.

Believe in yourself!!!  BE YOU!!!  Bloom!  That is all that matters.  

You may stand in a field full of weeds or you may stand in a field full of tulips... Regardless, when you bloom, you are beautiful!

I wish strength and beauty upon you all :))

Never surrender

My life has been a series of "Never Give Up"'s

I suppose almost everyone can say that in some respect

Some speed bumps are given by life on a silver platter, and some are mere repercussions to decisions made

I look back through the years and it seems like since moving out at 18 - it's been one test of survival after another...

Raising a child... Going back to school... Divorce... Changing careers... Being betrayed... Being lied to... buying my first vehicle... becoming a home owner...
and now.... being a Powerlifter!!
None of these things were/are easy!

Don't get me wrong, there is LOTS of good in life.  I'm not THAT negative to believe that!  And I'm very thankful for that.  But even with the good, it seems there is almost always an underlying challenge screaming... DON'T GIVE UP!

Life's Challenges!

I had another mock meet this weekend. This is basically a powerlifting test to see where your current maxes sit... how much weight can you move when tested?!

Mine did not go so well.
Take a gander.....

And when I say that... Please allow me to put it n perspective without bogging you down in numbers and lingo.  My bench press is always my MOST disappointing lift.  Period.  I toy around with squats, some days better than others.. and I ALWAYS love deadlifts!!  But bench... Oh that dang bench. It sucks the life from me.  To the point of bringing me to tears.  Not "poor me" sad tears... But tears of anger and frustration.  Tears!!  

This usually leaves me with an "I'm too old for this.. new for this... terrible at this" mentality.  

Which is even MORE frustrating

My very first meet was in December of 2012.  I benched 85 (and probably had 90 in me, but jumped to 95 and missed it).  NOW... in September of 2013.... Almost 9 months later... I can get 95. MAYBE 100 on a good day.  That's 10 possibly 15 pounds on a GOOD DAY, added to my bench in 9 months.  TERRIBLE!!!!  Just terrible
It's a terrible return for my investment!

So when I finished Sunday night, I WAS in tears.
YES.  HELL YES I WAS!!!!!

I don't handle failure well.  I just don't.
I believe I can do ANYTHING. And I don't take no for an answer!

So why the CRAP am I crying??!!!

Yeh Tammy.  Why?!

So I wiped my face and though the encouragement and support of friends and getting online to seek advice, I have picked myself up off the ground and set myself upon a new plan. 

What you learn through time... and trial and error - in powerlifting, and LIFE - is what works for you and what doesn't!!!!

I know I'm still learning - I'm still a baby in the powerlifting world

I know I have to get my bench form perfected or its not going to go anywhere.   I have done accessory after accessory exercise, gaining strength with every lift... but without the right form for me, it's just gonna sit there

I have found a new DETERMINATION and MOTIVATION in the gym!  There is a fire in my soul that WILL figure this out and light that bench on fire!!  I will!!

Back to the drawing board with new goals, a new plan, a bigger fire... And my NEVER SETTLE attitude!!!

We have to face life in every aspect in this way.... otherwise life and every challenge you face will simply run you right over!!

So join me in starting this week with a positive NEVER SURRENDER I can accomplish anything mentality.
I will not let an exercise or a person or ANYTHING else get the best of me!

Just over here being a girl and stuff....

I am STRONG.
I am independent.
I am hard headed.
I am stubborn.
I am determined.
I am DRIVEN.
I am focused.
I believe that everything God has brought me through, is to make me all of those things!
I believe that every fall along the way has made me tougher. 
It's made me WISER.
And it's always serves to remind me that HE has a plan for me that is bigger than anything I could have ever planned on my own!

I like fast cars. 
I want a jeep so I can take the top off and let my hair blow in the wind!
I like lifting heavy things. 
I can leave the house without makeup on and not care! 
I don't mind to get dirty. 
I like to sweat!
I am a FREE spirit.
I don't want to answer to anyone.
I believe there is NO limit to what you can do when you put your mind to it.
I like to dress up and hang out with my girls - but I also like to throw on a bandanna and jump on a four-wheeler and ride around all day long and get sweaty and muddy and not even care what I look like!

but SOMETIMES....  some days...
I fall to my knees (for good reason)
Sometimes I am weak.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed.
Sometimes when it seems that all is going well - it's only because I am forced to remember to focus UP!

Today has been one of those days.

Tonight was supposed to be a gym night for me.  And not even a HARD night.....
We are taking it easy this week since we just competed last weekend. 
We will start lifting heavy again next week as we start back with Week 1 of The Cube again. 

But this week... little by little... day by day ... for several reasons - I've been humbled.

Sometimes I can't even run and hide from it in the gym.

Sometimes I just need to sit alone.  Here with my laptop and FREAK OUT reflect.

Plan.  And go over and over and OVER things....
And... well - relive the day and what's going on and refocus on where I am going from here.

Without going into a lot of detail - just know that sometimes my hard outer tough shell serves to protect and hide the weak spirit that is thriving inside.

Don't freak out - NOTHING traumatic has occurred - life is good and I really have SO much to be thankful for and really NOTHING to complain about. 
and LOTS to be thankful for.... did I mention that?!  LOTS!
I just have alot on my plate today... alot of change, alot of worry, alot of directional planning... and although most days I can walk along and carry all of that - sometimes it just gets a little heavy.

(Reminder:  When the weight of the world is on your shoulders.... SQUAT IT!!!  ha)

Tomorrow I will arise and me and God will take on the day and all will be well

But tonight - I guess I just needed to be a girl.

Passion?!! I lift cuz I'm CrAzY!!

 It's something that's missing in almost everyone.
Passion!
No one is passionate about anything anymore... we just float through life letting whatever will be... BE!

Someone recently asked me how I got into power lifting and why?

What changed in me.... what clicked?!

And what my ultimate goal might be?


 
 It reminded me of an episode of Big Bang Theory (THE BEST show on TV!) where Penny gets a little distraught about not being passionate about anything.

I remember thinking that before... answering a question on one of those stupid surveys about your passion? What is your passion or your hobby?
I always thought... Well, I'm a single mother to a boy... My passion is pretty much what his interests include... basketball, baseball, North Carolina Tarheels, etc.
I didn't have TIME for MY passion ( or the money to SHOP... Which lets admit IS my passion! Ha)

Actually, as it turns out, I have learned you have TIME for what you MAKE time for. And I didn't make time for anything else.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still passionate about my child and his passions, but I have time to be passionate about ME too!!!

So, here's where it starts...

I was determined to get back in shape... With my ultimate goal being "to have a 6-pack".
Yep.
Every girl dreams of that flat stomach you had when you were 12! Right?!!
So I joined a gym. With no direction. Cardio was all I knew? I lifted a little before, but I really had no idea what direction to go with that. So I guess my intent was cardio. And maybe a few machines that I could wander over to without feeling stupid????

Insert B-rad!!! ( my little power liftin honey! )

I talked to him about my plan and he suggested some weights. Blahhhhh. I feel stupid. I was afraid. But I followed his direction nonetheless.

I remember walking into his gym that first time with him and all his boys. I remember watching them pick up weights that I just couldn't BELIEVE was possible!!!
I mean, it truly IS crazy to watch!!
BUT.... As cool as it is for them... Still.... Not for me. I just want a flat stomach. No need to be breaking my back and crap!!!

I started with some beginning strength stuff. In other words - I worked on my BOOTY!  I did a LOT of SQUATTING!!! And if you missed my squat blog, check it HERE - for my Mission Impossible.
Quite amusing!!!!

So - come December. My sweet little B-rad convinced me to do a meet. For "fun" he said. Now, MY idea of fun is NOT standing up in front of a room full of people with all eyes on me. In fact the thought of that makes my "private, not for display self" wanna THROW UP!!! But I love him and he wanted so bad for me to share this passion with him. So I agreed to lift.
I was a nervous wreck.
And felt nowhere NEAR strong enough to be competing!!!
It was just a push pull meet. Which means bench first, then deadlift. I benched. And it was ok, but mostly because there were no girls that were "great" on the bench. (NO competition!)  We were all about the same. Then came deadlift. Now going in, I felt pretty OK about my deadlift. I mean I felt stronger than when I started... so ehhhh ... It was ok. And I lifted. My max that day was 205. Which in my mind that day felt pretty good.

THEN.
I want you to know ....
This LITTLE HOOCHIE girl came right up behind me and picked up 300 pounds!!!

It was over.

My mind was blown

And she awakened something in me that I forgot I had!!!  
The desire to win!!!

Sure, now I enjoy lifting and I enjoy knowing I'm getting stronger
It IS my passion!!!
I know it takes time.
And I have to make the time.

But WHY do I do it????

TO CRUSH FACES!!!!

To be different.

To awaken that inner child that wanted to win when I played hide n seek.

To feed that little girl that always wanted to be on the winning team.

To defy the odds.

To prove to myself that I am capable of way more than I believed!!!

To amaze myself

TO COMPETE AND TO WIN!!!

I DON'T WORK OUT - I TRAIN!  

TRAIN TO WIN!!!

I tried to show my son videos and it does nothing for him.
It's not HIS passion.
It is mine!

People may not understand it. And people may get tired of hearing me talk about it.
But everyone has their own niche.
Powerlifting and getting stronger is mine.
I FOUND my passion!!!

As far as a goal goes... I make small goals almost every day... as I progress
I want each lift to be better than the lift before
But ULTIMATELY...
I want to compete.
And I want to win!!!
I want to, first of all, be better than myself!!
I want to prove that I am stronger today than I was yesterday!!!

I know that there is always someone stronger than me somewhere... But I'm gonna do my best and work hard as heck to be stronger every day!!  I strive at every work out to be stronger than I was at the last!

SO - If you have considered getting in shape or working out for whatever reason, don't do it just to check a box. Find a niche. Find your passion!!
It makes it so much better for you, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally when you are actually doing something you ENJOY with a GOAL in mind!
Something should DRIVE you!
Compete.
Compete with yourself and compete with others.  
Crush faces!!!
Find your inner "need to win!"   I bet you forgot it was there!

Someone named Edward made a video featuring one of the (in my opinion) MOST motivational inspiring power lifters that I know out there.
Mr. Brandon Lilly.
Watch this video
If it doesn't touch you or inspire something out of you - you just might be DEAD INSIDE!!!!

Whatever YOUR passion might be - do it with ALL your heart and always try to be better tomorrow than you are today.  Otherwise, what do you have to be passionate about?

NOW - have a GREAT weekend 

and go be passionate about something!!!!!

Did you just call me a liar?

Try and tell me that commitment isn't worth it

Or that working out can't be fun

Or that being committed TO working out doesn't work.

OR that there is any negative side to either: 
commitment or working out.

I will call YOU a liar SIR!

My obliques are CRYING for help today.
OUCH
They hurt.
Like I've been punched in the ribs like a punching bag....HURT

And it's GREAT!
WHAT?!!
Yep - it's fantastic.  Because I know I'm WORKING and I know that the work I'm doing is making changes in my body!

When I started this journey months ago - I had no idea what I was in for.
Or what I would learn... on so many levels.

I read a blog today - posted by Brandon Lilly - cube-bench-team-and-chatter regarding the gym and working out and the crew you work out with... and how you become a family.   And it brought a small tear to my eye.  (yes - I know.... EVERYTHING brings tears to my eyes.... I'm sensitive... soooo???)

Anyway - I realized once again - I am VERY lucky.
And once again I will thank God for bringing me through what He has brought me through for He knew where I would land.  And He knew what I needed.
And he OBVIOUSLY knew how strong I needed to be to get here.....  mentally and emotionally... and now even physically!!

When I started working out with these guys - I was so NOT happy about it.  I'm the only girl there.  And hello girls... as if being in the gym isn't intimidating enough... worrying about what you look like and if you're doing something wrong or right... so many things that you have NO idea about.  And then - I go in and listen to these guys yelling at each other.  YES.  Yelling.
Now - for those of you who know me, you KNOW I don't like to be put on display. I can do just about anything.... on my own.  Without an audience.  I'm not a public speaker or performer or whatever.   It makes me insecure for people to watch.
AND I'm sensitive.  Don't yell at me.  Good or bad... don't yell at me.   I'm my own worst critic and when I can't do something - it makes me mad.  And yes... sometimes I cry.  Because I'm frustrated.  At myself.  And then you yell at me to keep going?  {{Insert tears!}}
It was SCARY!!!
SO - When I saw that they did all these lifts together.... watching and critiquing... and cheering... I thought "NOPE"   Not for me.  I can't do this.   I don't need someone "pushing me" or cheering for me.  Just don't watch me.... or talk to me..... I'll be fine.

Or so I thought.

I was wrong.

THAT is what drives you.

YELL.  AT.  ME.     
PUSH.  ME!!!

When you are pushing the very depth of all you have left in you... when you are scraping the bottom of your tank and think you can't do ONE MORE SQUAT.  Then you hear "Come on Tammy.... push...."   There is nothing that drives you harder.
Your group
Your "boys"
Your support

Even when anyone or everyone has made me mad or hurt my feelings.... one yell to push me through washes it all away.
And then you hear "good work"
and all is well again.

There are nights in the gym when I want to punch someone in the face.  There are nights when I don't feel strong and I want to go off in the corner and work alone.  But it's those nights that one of the boys says something... anything to me... that reminds me how close knit this sport is and how we are always looking out for one another.

There really is nothing like it.

And the best part is that spirit carries over into EVERYone of those boys lives.

**sidenote**  For all you single girls out there - looking for a "GOOD" guy..... start at a power lifting meet.  I don't know that you can find a better man with a bigger heart anywhere out there

Are you calling me a liar?

Try it.

And just so you know Brandon Lilly - my girl crush IS and will remain Dana Linn Bailey... I mean - hello - have you SEEN HER????  (ha ha) 
BUT you Brandon - INSPIRE me today....   and I want to thank you for that.
You are the epitome of what this sport breeds.... an unending desire to not only make yourself better and stronger, but to also watch everyone around you get better and stronger and PUSH them to do so!

Strength... Motivational Monday

I believe that everything happens for a reason
Call it fate
Call it Gods plan
Call it what you will
But I DO believe that everything happens for a reason AND that every person you encounter is for a reason!!!

Experience doesn't just happen overnight. Neither does knowledge. Or strength (physical or emotional). It takes time. And willpower. And mistakes. And falling on your face.
And some dang hard lessons learned!!

I do feel strong
I have experienced a lot
I have made mistakes and I have fallen flat on my face
And just when you think you've survived as bad as it can get .. Thats when you get knocked down and get to learn yet another lesson and you come out that much stronger!!

People wanna quit... be sad.... give up.  Pretend that the world owes them something.
No one wants to fight anymore.
And I can't understand why!!

There are mistakes to be made. No one is perfect. No one walks a path of perfection.. It's those side roads and dips and curves that build and prove your character.
Sometimes we need someone's hand, but ultimately - it's on YOU.  YOU must dig down deep and believe in yourself and get up. Grab a hand if you need, but its still on you.

You must believe that even if you made a mistake, even if you failed, even if you fell flat on your face... You learned... You grew... And you were quite possibly there for someone else. Perhaps you walked a road not just for you... but for someone else.
Maybe... just maybe... your heartache was a lesson for someone else?

Get up and show the world just how strong you are
Show the world and someone who might need to see it that you and your God can handle anything. Show others that character you've been building inside!!
Be proud of those mistakes and falls and wrong turns

Because I promise you.... One day you'll stop for a minute and look up and you will not believe where God had planned all along for you to be!!!
You will look up and thank God for those experiences you walked through
You will be thankful.
Thankful for your walk, thankful for your falls, thankful for the people you met along the way. Thankful for the ones still there and thankful for the ones that were only there for a spell.

One day you will walk into a gym with a friend "just to get healthier"
....and then only months later you will realize that man has loved you all along. That man will tell you that when you left, he only prayed to hold you one more time... (Sniff sniff)
And one day you will walk into a gym and deadlift 220 pounds and love every single minute of it and push for more!!! Never knowing you even wanted that to begin with?!
One day your son will get his college acceptance letter in the mail and you will know that having that baby at 18 and working and sacrificing and giving and loving and crying and fighting so hard and never giving up.... and trusting in God... for almost 18 years has made you the proudest and strongest single mom this world has ever seen!!

Ok.... Your plan may not involve a gym and dead lifting and being a single mom... But I can promise you this... I can promise you that one day you will look up and find it hard to believe that your character and your place has been planned all along.
You will thank God for where he brought you and the strength and character that you've been building all the way through!!

You will know that you were strong all along and now you are even stronger!!

Don't. Give. Up.

IT NEVER GETS EASIER.... YOU JUST GET STRONGER!!!!

Be your own kind of BEAUTIFUL!!!

In honor of my mom's birthday today....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!!!

Thank you mom for pushing me and teaching me to be  ME.

My own kind of BEAUTIFUL!!

**originally published 7/13/11**

My mom gave me a picture frame that says "Be your own kind of Beautiful"
and it's stocked full of pictures of ME being my own quirky "ME"  :)

My mom gave me a necklace on my wedding day.  It's a little silver heart full of diamonds.  Something "new"  (she also gave me a cute little Alan Jackson pin to wear under my dress as my something "old"   ha ha)

My mom gave me a necklace on my younger brother's wedding day (which was before mine).  It's a silver dolphin, because she knows they are my favorite.... simply because she knew how hard that day was for me... not just watching my baby brother growing up, but knowing that I always felt that I would never find my other half.   That maybe I never felt I was good enough.

My mom...... my worst enemy growing up.... was ALWAYS my biggest fan.
She was when I was 7, she was when I was 13, she was when I was a horrible HORRIBLE 18  (sorry again mom!).... and she still is.

I look back and there are so many things that I learned from her.   Too many to even list and probably more than she will ever truly know.
But mostly... I learned to be STRONG and I learned to be ME.   Just as I am.

Tonight...... I stumbled upon this song and it absolutely brought me to my knees.
There are so many days in my past that I chose a wrong road.  So many times I made choices that only brought regret...
So many times I wanted to run away from it all and hide....

Leave the Light on

But my mom.... my biggest fan.... taught me to be strong.  She taught me to be ME....  She taught me that no matter what happens, NEVER settle for less than I deserve.

So now, I try to live my life leaving the light on.  I am who I am.  I believe how I believe.   I love with everything I have and I give everything I can give.  I'm an open book (my mom says maybe a little TOO open!  ha ha) and I'm honest!
And maybe I am too emotional.  Maybe I am too quiet.  Maybe I am too intolerant of certain things.  Maybe I expect too much.  Maybe I'm too impatient.  Maybe I'm too spontaneous. 

But all those wrong roads and all those "maybe's" ... well they make me who I am today.   And I am better for that.

Unfortunately - there are days when it just doesn't feel like enough.  Sometimes all those "maybe's" get the best of me and I think I should just keep my mouth shut.
Sometimes, I lose me.
Sometimes all the good that I bring is shadowed by something bigger.   
Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by others... their opinions, their "this is how it's always been", their judgements, their own way of thinking - making me feel like mine is not important.
And sometimes, I wanna run away and hide it all away.
Sometimes, the fight is just not in me.
I shut down.
Sometimes I just want to turn that dang light off!

But the truth is....
All I CAN be is me.  All I can do is ask for respect me for who I am and what I believe.

In the end - All I CAN be is my own kind of beautiful.

Not running
Not hiding
Not weak

Not depending on anyone but me and my light to remind me where I've been and what I'm worth

If that's not enough .... then you need to work on your own light and let me stand in mine......

Proud of who I am

Strong for what I've been through

and Beautiful for just who I am.

There is one thing that is never worth the compromise - and that's ME.