I've been working out...

and I didn't even know it!!!  HA!
(that's the BEST way to work out BTW!  :)  hee hee)

I read something tonight...  I have come across it before and I just absolutely LOVE the quote.

"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Then someone (who shall remain nameless... Raphael - LOL) made the mistake of asking me my thoughts on this little string of words...  OOOOPS!  (ha ha)  you guys KNOW I can't keep my mouth shut when asked...

So... here's what I'm thinking...

And you know that the obvious implication is not to what I am referring. 

Yes yes... working out at the gym (when done right!) induces pain.  The pain makes you physically stronger meaning "weakness" is leaving your body - right?!!

Well - you know I can't leave it at that.

Let's look a little deeper.

Our hearts too are one big muscle!  And a pretty amazing muscle at that.  We all know without it pumping, we could not continue living.  So we need to take care of that muscle.  I guess it needs a little exercise too!
Not just physically - but emotionally.

Think back through your life at the hardships you have faced.
Broken hearts.  Loss of a loved one.  Family feuds.  Loss of a job.  Divorce.  Failure.  Sickness. 
Many many different heartaches that we all face.  All custom tailored to each of us.
When you've been hurt or let down or disappointed, and you feel at your absolute worst, the pain is HORRIBLE!!  Think of that first blow.  The first word of bad news.
It's gut wrenching.  You think you will never breathe again... or get out of bed.... or leave your house.... or date again.... or try one more time to have a baby....
HEARTBREAKING!!

But then a little time passes.... and then a little more......
And slowly but surely, your body begins to recover.  Your heart starts to heal... a little at a time.  Recovering and getting past that weakness... That hurt.

The pain and the weakness slowly disappear.
You stand a little taller ..and a little prouder ..and a little stronger!
And now you bare a scar to remind you not just of the pain, but that you lived through it and came out a stronger and better person.
A little more prepared for that next punch to the gut.
The next time... you will recognize the pain as weakness leaving your body.  And you will be thankful that you've been here before and you are strong enough to handle it a little easier this time around.

So the pain you endure IS in fact, the weakness leaving your body.... You're healing!!
just like working out..  Life is training your heart to be stronger, just like you train your muscles!

I'm gonna live to be TWO HUNDRED AND TEN!  I must have the most scarred but strongest heart around!
And I'm thankful for every beat... and every scar.... because I know there isn't much that life can throw my way that me and God can't handle 

I'm strong because I have suffered pain.

Reason for the pain...

Everybody struggles and has pain. EVERYBODY!! God recycles and redeems the pain the very moment we use our experience to help someone else through their pain.  I read this from a pastor's facebook page that I follow and it was like a million light bulbs went off all around me!!  :)


Divorce.  
What a painful word.  
What a painful experience.  
And it happens every day all around us.

Some simply because people literally look at marriage as a trial run these days.  Some people literally take it so lightly that going in, they think, if it doesn't work out - well I'll just get a divorce and start over.  No big deal.
But some of us... some of us still think of marriage as the ultimate commitment of love here on earth.
Some (few) of us wait and search and fall in love thinking this is IT for me.  We give our hearts completely to the one we plan to grow old with.
And sometimes... we get hurt.   Sometimes, well... we simply pick the wrong person to trust our heart to.  OR, maybe we give our heart... loving and caring and having faith that we are on the same path and have the same goals and we believe that that person loves us just the same.
And sadly... sometimes things change.
And when they change... or we feel deceived, there is nothing you can do to take that back.
When the one person that you think will NEVER hurt you, acutally HURTS you... you may not stop loving them, but you have to face the fact that the path that person has chosen is no longer the path the two of you chose together.


I don't belive in divorce... as a general rule.
But when I say that I simply mean, I do not believe that it should be used as an escape for when the going gets tough.
But I do believe that when you have walked down a road with someone who no longer puts your future as a couple as a first priority - sometimes.. well... there is no other option.
When living right in God's eyes and upholding vows that you took together is NO LONGER the priority, and trust and hope and love are treated as though they mean nothing anymore, I don't believe God's blessings are placed upon someone who chooses to purposely keep traveling down the path of pain and turmoil.
I don't believe that God intends anyone to stay in a relationship where you are continually beaten down or abused or taken for granted in any way.


And for that reason, my divorce hit me hard.


But when I read what I read tonight - It just gave me light.  It showed me purpose.
Do I think that God PLANNED and PURPOSED me to walk down an aisle with a man I loved just to end up divorced.
No.  I do not.
BUT I do believe that God uses EVERY experience that we go through to not only bless us, but to also bless those around us.
I do believe that no matter what you are going through... no matter how bad the pain; turning that around to use for good in His name is the ultimate gift and redemption that He gives us.


And for that reason..... I can lay my head down at night and truly sleep.
for that reason I can KNOW that God uses me every day.
He makes me stronger by bringing me through trials a stronger better person  (someone please tell God I'm strong enough....ha ha)
But more importanatly I believe he uses me EVERY day.
He uses things I have been through... the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions, the experience, the "live and learns" to shine light to all those around me.


And for THAT - I am thankful.
And for THAT - I am at peace.


I can let go and I can move forward with what is in store for me next.
And I can do so proudly and confidently  :)


Will I marry again?  who knows
But am I ok either way - Absolutely!
Why - because I know God has plans for me and he'll use me for whatever His will is, and as long as I know that - I know I will be blessed  :)

FACES

God has given you one face and you make yourself another - Shakespeare

Behind my smile is a broken heart,
behind my laugh, I'm falling apart
Look closely at me, and you will see
the girl I am, is the girl I am not.

The battle between these two
who I am and who I pretend to be
Slowly creeps in, and before I know it,
I have become the one, God never intended me to be.

Holding on to a past, holding onto a heart
that never was mine, not even a part.
Holding on to beliefs and values and truth,
but it can't be done when you refuse to see.

That behind my smile is a broken heart,
behind my laugh, I'm falling apart
Look closely at me, and you will no longer see
the boy that you are, but who you pretend to be.

Now I look at your faded smile
through my broken heart
And know that the face that God gave you
is forever hidden in the dark.

Setting Fire

If you're going to be offended by my true honest open RAW feelings - then I suggest you close this blog right now and walk away.  Because today is NOT a good day.  It's not hopeful and warm and fuzzy and reminiscent.  It is instead...... HONEST and REAL.
Tonight I am cleansing and closing the door.   This is where it gets real.

As a little girl, just like every little girl, I grew up dreaming of the day my daddy walked me down an aisle and gave my hand to the man I chose to walk through the rest of my life with... to the man my dad would trust with my heart because he knew I had already given it to him.  The man that my daddy would know had proved to me would stand by my side through thick and thin, good times and bad, and all the no matter what's - because my daddy raised me to believe in marriage.  I was raised with such a foundation that I waited....I WAITED till I found just the right man to give my hand to and make that promise to.  The man that looked at me in my eyes and said I can't imagine life without you.  The man that said I'm better WITH you than without you.  The man that I knew no matter what would be my biggest fan.  I waited for that.
And that day came.  And my daddy walked me down the aisle and put my hand in the hand of a man who took all of that away from me.

Now - don't get me wrong, I have definitely made my share of mistakes.  I HAVE made mistakes.  Big ones.
But marriage.... that to me was never anything with room for error.  Ever.  Not that its not possible to make a mistake, because I get that it is.   But in my eyes, once you make that promise, once you take that vow, once you stand in front of God and family and friends and commit your life to another human being, {{Matthew 19:6 - Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.}} that to me is one of the most important decisions you make in life.  Period.
And I always always always took that decision to heart.  Always.

So as much thought and care and consideration and anticipation as I put into that day - not in the dress, or the place, or the date, or the flowers.... but the years of thought and waiting and patience and looking and praying for the right man... and the right time.   No I didn't expect everything to be perfect, but I did expect to be able to trust that when a man, a Christian, God fearing man looked at me and said "I take you Tammy to be my lawfully wedded wife... to have and to hold till death do us part" that he was for real.  Because where I'm from, when you make a promise and you tell someone that you love them and you still love them, it's something worth fighting for.
Apparently when there is something that you love and cling to more than the woman you married, whatever that might be, the new wife can only hold things together alone for so long and take so much before she is completely and utterly broken.

The day I dreamed of has come and gone and the memories from it have been tainted and destroyed.  And for that - I can only thank the man who told me that me and our marriage are not worth fighting for anymore.

....today I am angry
and I give.
(tomorrow is a new day - and I'll be fine) 
 

Some days you won't - but one day you will...

I haven't shared alot lately.
Life has been kinda crazy.
Up and down
Alot of things have changed in my life and every day seems to reveal a new hurdle in some way.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not in any way saying life is bad.
Life is great... it just depends on who's eyes your using to look at it.
We all fall victim to putting on those glasses that only reveal what's WRONG with our lives.
While there is so much good happening all around me, I also see so many people hurting... confused... sadness... lack of direction.  Just so many things that are unanswered.
Truth is this....
EVERY day we are surrounded by unanswered questions.
And it's not just you... it's me.  It's everyone.
We focus so hard on trying to fix everything and everyone that we forget..... if we would just lay those unanswered questions and problems in God's hands and stop questioning everything  - one day - it will make sense.  And all this unnecessary worry will just be futile.

So - for all my loved ones... friends, family, blogger buddies... everyone in my life questioning life and your purpose and where your going and WHY things don't seem to be going right - I just felt the desire to share...

If you had told me 3 years ago to just be patient... that God was working on me and that he had a plan...
if you had told me 1 year ago that I would meet a man and fall in love and be married in less than a year...
if you had told me that I would married to a preacher...
if you had told me that one day it would be possible for me to be back in school full time...
if you had told me that a career change was in my near future...
I WOULD HAVE CALLED YOU A FOOL!!!


Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Trust in that... it sure does take the burden off of your shoulders and allows you to enjoy every day and see all the things you are truly blessed with.  Take off those jaded, bitter, fix-it-yourself glasses and see your life through God's eyes.  He has plans for us all..... if we would only let him have control.


I read this quote from a pastor's facebook page and I wanted to share it with all of you.

Even if you think it, refuse to speak negative words about yourself: I'm no good; I'm fat; I'll probably lose my job; my health is failing....etc. Spoken words strengthen or corrupt your faith! My friend: you can do all things through Christ. With God, all things are possible. Let the words of your mouth and meditations of your heart be acceptable in God's sight.  Criticizing yourself is as bad as criticizing others. You are a loved child of God. God doesn't make junk.

Also - I posted the lyrics and the video to a song below.  Take time to read them and listen to the song.  Stop focusing on what's going wrong and be thankful for what's going right and what your future holds  :-)


You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of