What they don't tell you...

I watched a video that a blogger friend of mine posted on facebook recently.  And it really struck a nerve with me.
It does have some harsh language in it... the "F" bomb is dropped multiple times.  Try not to get caught up in that and instead try to take in the message.
Don't read more into it than is necessary.... just listen... with your heart.  And a tear... and a little bit of compassion for the young girls and boys growing up in this world.


This world is a crazy cruel place.

Especially for teenage girls and boys....  but even as we grow into adults... the pressure is sometimes just as overwhelming.

I remember as a young girl wanting so bad to "fit in".  I wanted to wear the right clothes, carry the right purse, wear just the right amount of make-up... ya know - just enough makeup to be cool but not too much as to be considered "easy". Because that's how you were judged.... on your LOOKS.  On what you brought to the table.  I cared.  I tried. I had some really great friends.

And then one day ... I didn't care anymore.

Sure I still wanted to dress in name brand (cause I'm high maintenance.... and some things never change! ha ha) But I didn't care if people liked me.  I didn't care if I found a note where someone that I thought was a friend called me a "snob".  I didn't care if someone that I thought the world of said I wasn't their BFF anymore.  I didn't care if no one liked me... because I had come to the realization that the only person I could rely on and trust was ME.
It wasn't because I didn't want to have friends........ it wasn't because I didn't want to trust anyone.  In my head, I think I just decided that no one was ever real.  Everyone had only been playing a part... the quarterback, the prom queen, the class "slut" (sadly this was also a part that was played), the cheerleader, the nerd... The stereotypes... all of the classifications.   And now there are even more!

Why couldn't we all just be friends fighting for the same purpose... all trying to better ourselves to make a future that we could look forward to.

I don't know.  I still don't know.  I never understood. I still don't understand!
 Jr High and High School just get to be so mean.  So heartless.
To the point that some fought back by rebelling, some fought by actually fighting and acting out, some fought by taking reputations to extremes... and sadly... some just gave up. 
For some, answers to the pressure came in the form of anorexia, bulimia, promiscuity, fighting, bullying.... Some hid behind dark walls and developed anxiety that may have never subsided.
The pain is endless
And sadly.... totally preventable
If only our world wasn't so cruel.

We want children to know the reality of life and the hardships of everything not being spoon fed to them, but then they are bombarded by the unfair judgement of peers.

And instead of PREPARING them for adulthood and showing them how to be a TEENAGER and come out as a strong independent young man or woman ... we are too busy condoning children having children and glorifying it on reality tv! Instead of protecting our children from UNNECESSARY harm... we are laying more harm on them!!! I see way too many 15 year old girls come in pregnant!!!  Babies having babies......
When did we STOP telling our babies that having SEX at 15 is ok??  When did it become ok for a high school student to bring her best friends in for her ultrasound because its fun and cool and they get out of school?!  WHY are kids thinking that SEX in high school is ok....
I'll tell you why...  PEER PRESSURE and the twisting of our world on what is ok and what is not....

((Sorry - got off on a little rant there!)

I don't know what the answer is.  I don't know how to prevent it or make it better....

But I can tell you this young boys and girls......

The pressure that you feel growing up to dress right and act according to a role, and be skinny and be pretty and be smart and have sex and have babies....  those pressures....... THEY DON'T MATTER!!!!!!!  They are twisted realities!

What we need to teach our young ones is to just be YOU.  Love YOU for YOU.  Don't let someone tell you who to be or how to look or what to say or what to stand for.
Love others with all your heart.
Never be cruel.
When someone is cruel to someone who can't or won't defend themselves, stand up FOR them.
Be strong.
Be healthy.
Exercise.
Eat right.
Make good friends that you can trust.  Make them friends because you trust them not because of a social status.




What the adults forget to tell you is that one day you will be an adult out in the real world and the people that judged you and the people that you fought so hard to impress, won't matter anymore.
I can promise you that.

don't let ANYONE make you feel like less of a person than you are.

And respectively .... on that same note.... as adults - let's learn to live by these same values.
Every day be nice.  Be healthy.  Judge less.  Praise more.
Take care of yourself and respect others... you never know what they have been through or what they are currently going through.

Stop being SO judgmental and just love one another.

And teach your children to act likewise!

That is all.

Here is the video
(and before you watch it - let me preface it by saying, yes she is openly a lesbian.  But before you judge - that is not what this blog is about and I'm not trying to open that war here... just LISTEN to her words.  Period)

WHAT are YOU doing to your kids?!

WHO is the parent?
Are you letting everyone ELSE be the disciplinarian for your child?
Are you too busy?
too lazy?

I'm on my BOX today........

I recently heard that KY Athletics have passed a new rule that there is now no longer hand shaking allowed after sporting events.
I'm sorry........ WHAT?!!!!!!
No more "good game" pats on the butt??!!
Are you serious??
Because of FIGHTS.  THIS is where the rule came from?
Because of too many FIGHTS after sporting events???

ARE.  YOU.  KIDDING.  ME???????

Hey - I've got an idea...... why don't we take out the "good game" handshakes after the games AND give EVERYONE a trophy for PARTICIPATING!!!
JEEEEEEEEEEEEZ
I mean - we wouldn't want to HURT anyone's feelings!!!
Or offend a kid..... I mean PARENT or two!!!!!!

So rather than PUNISH the kids who don't know how to act.......
like hey - how about THROW THEM OFF OF A TEAM for fighting!!???....
yeah RATHER than punish those that don't know how to act.... let's punish ALL the kids and take away the last shred of sportsmanship we had left in our kids lives
Let's teach them that rather than punish those who don't know how to act and show THEM that there ARE repercussions to their actions......   rather than PUNISH them..... let's just teach ALL of our kids..... the ones that are playing sports for good reasons... let's teach them that sportsmanship is useless.
Stupid in fact.
A waste of time.
Not worth the effort.... or trouble!
Let's teach our little athletes growing up that it is all about YOU and the other team isn't worthy of your respect of even the time to shake their hands.
Let's teach them THAT LESSON as small children, so that IF they do grow up to play sports as a profession, or even if they DON'T  - they can KNOW ... for SURE.... without a doubt - that the game and the world is all about "ME".
"selfie generation"

WHAT are we doing to our kids?

WHERE are the parents standing up against this?
Is no one else at all offended about where the world is taking our children??

I'm surprised teachers are even allowed to give GRADES anymore...... for fear of making someone's child "feel stupid"!!!  I mean really......
your kid gets better grades than mine and it's not fair... it makes my son feel stupid.
We should stop giving grades.  It's JUDGMENTAL and punishing to some kids!!!
It's not FAIR!!!!!
NO - My kid does his homework and works his butt off for those A's....... your child is lazy and you are condoning that!!!

When did it happen that we as adults decided that we would revolve the WHOLE ENTIRE world around the kids?  When did we decide to start basing everything on them and what works for them?  When did we decide that discipline wasn't worth it?
It is too much trouble for you to teach your child right from wrong?  Is it just easier to let them do whatever they want and bend OUR lives to accommodate that?

What about the clip I found from Kelly Rippa on "LIVE with Kelly and Michael"??  She is discussing (or rather RANTING about) how some kids broke in and vandalized an NFL players house and then posted pics of themselves in the house..... drinking, destroying and living it up.  THEN the parents of said kids want to SUE the owner of the house saying that HE, the victim, might cost their children a chance at going to college....... because he exposed the kids!!!!!

WHAT?!!!

Here is the video....... watch it
you SHOULD be outraged!

GOSH - nevermind - I can't get the video to work - if you are friends with me on FACEBOOK you can find it on my facebook page.
STUPID.  just STUPID!!!

These kids DESTROYED someone else's property and exploited themselves on the Internet and then THEIR parents came to the rescue.  Defended them nonetheless.
WHAT??????????

These children will one day be the adults in our country!!!!!!!
These children will one day be our doctors... our lawyers.... our POLITICIANS..... they will make laws and oversee companies.
And they will believe that they are invincible.  Because this is what we are teaching them.

I just don't understand.

I LOVE my son with all my heart.  I do.
And I would do anything in the world to protect him and make life easier for him.

BUT
at the same time, I am his MOTHER.... not his best friend.  I am the parent.  It is my JOB to teach him right from wrong and to TEACH him how to survive in the world.

NOT to teach the WORLD to treat him as a GOD!

Are people really so consumed with making sure their kid "LIKES" them that they just can't say no?
Are people really so consumed with NEVER being the "bad guy" and NEVER telling their kid no.... no matter what it costs?

Are people really so LAZY that instead of parenting their OWN children, that they just let everyone else do it for them?

I mean really people.......
You are setting your children up for FAILURE!
You are teaching them NOTHING.

We are failing our children and our next generation.

I just don't get it.

I love Z.... but I have told him no.   And I will continue to do so
and he's EIGHTEEN!!!!!!!
I love my baby boy.... but I WILL let him grow up
I love him but I will be honest with him.

He will KNOW that there ARE consequences to MAKING MISTAKES!!!!
 and he will make them!
SO.  DID.  I.

It will HURT when he gets his heart broke and the world lets him down.
But he will KNOW that is life and he will move on.... rather than running to mom expecting her to change the world.
He will know.
He will understand

and he will be wiser and stronger for it.

Period.
Does that make ME the terrible parent???!!!

(drop the mic..... step down from podium...... WALK AWAY.... in disgust!)

 

Ohhhh... now I know!

Growing up - we ALL knew everything.
You NEVER believed that grown ups were smarter than you.  I mean - hello - didn't we know it ALL!!!??
I did!
...and I would be the first to tell you!
I knew how things worked.... I knew how to do everything.... I knew what the consequences were... and most of the time, I really couldn't have cared less!
Grown ups were stupid and they DEFINITELY didn't know how to have fun.
And gosh they were always planning and setting goals and being all responsible and crap.
Who needs that?!!

Man - OH MAN - I wish I could go back and know what I know now.

As a mother now - I find myself trying to steer my son one way over another... trying to teach him to be responsible for himself.  To think ahead.  To plan ahead.  To be independent.  To work towards something.  Have a goal.  Have a passion (and that's NOT sitting in a dark room all night playing video games!)  PRIORITIZE!!!!
The things that "seem" important in most teenage eyes are NOT.
They just aren't.
Although at the time, it might just feel like LIFE OR DEATH..... trust me when I say.... NO!  It's NOT!

What IS life and death??

Having priorities.  Having goals.  Pushing yourself.  Taking care of YOU and not worrying what others around you are doing or planning.

As a kid - even though I knew it all... there were still things I wondered about.   But I wouldn't DARE ask someone.  I would figure them out on my own.
*I did after all - have my "I know everything" reputation to uphold!*
Guess what?
I usually figured wrong.
I had no direction.
I was all go with the flow.... ehhhhhh whatever.

That attitude....didn't get me far.
In fact - it got me nowhere quite fast.
Spinning my wheels... wondering why life didn't get easier?

So, what did?

When I sucked it up and realized - I am responsible for ME!
ME!
It is MY job to pay the bills and buy the house and work the job and buy the clothes and buy the groceries and put gas in the truck and on and on and on......

So I set some goals.
I changed my life path....
(and I still change it almost daily.)

Oh sure - some things are constant... but they are constant because I finally REACHED them as a goal.
Everything that I have in my life started with one little glimmer one sun-shiny day when I realized... 

"this is what I want and THIS is how I will get it"

And most importantly it started with LOSING that "I know everything" mentality and realizing that I didn't just KNOW everything.  There are people out there that have actually been through this.  And they know the right v wrong path to take.  And if I will just sit down and prioritize on what is important, I too - will find that right path.
And so I did.

But I look for new paths all the time.

The key to growing up is never giving up the ability to grow.
You become a better person every day.
You learn EVERY day.
You make (hopefully) better choices every day.
You learn from experience.
You learn from mistakes
but most importantly - you LEARN that you DON'T know everything and that is OK.

I, on a regular basis have moments when I think....... "Ohhhhhhh..... Now I know!"
And those moments.... yeah - I live for them!

My most recent one.....
I never understood why people did things that induce vomiting.
I HATE to puke.
HATE.  
IT.  
PERIOD.
HATE!
(is that clear enough?)
Both of my brothers ran cross country.... and for anyone who has ever work the "PUKE CHUTE" - you understand the vomit inducing sport of cross country all too well.

WHYYYYY would someone WANT to run so hard and so far that you THROW UP????

Stupid.

Guess what I have learned......
(wait for it.....)
YES - I have always wondered what it would feel like to literally work out to the brink of puking.....
and.... NOW I KNOW!
and......I wondered WHY anyone would WANT to work so hard that you are at the brink of puking....

Ohhhh......now I know!

PASSION

PRIDE

ACCOMPLISHMENT

SUCCESS

There is no greater joy than to know that YOU worked for where you are.  No one put you there... no one snuck you through the system... no one did the work for you.... no one made excuses for you and told you "it's ok"....
Someone PUSHED you.
YOU pushed YOU.
and you reached your goal.
No one can teach you that.
and no one can take it away.

Someone go back and tell my stupid teenage "I know everything" self that!

Thanks.
ohhhhhh...... NOW I know!
And every day I understand life just a little bit better!

{{PS - I know, according to yesterday's blog, My Inspirational Weekend I was supposed to be sharing some news today - but I had to share this first.... before ... so that you can understand the magnitude of the impact of the information that I am about to unleash on you!!}}

Wait .... for ..... it.....

From tween... to teen.... to real life?

We have all heard that old saying a million times....
"don't judge another, for you don't know their journey"

Do you remember being in high school and that's literally ALL people did???  We judged.  Each other.  Who's cool?  Who's not cool?   Who can you talk to and who will you NEVER talk to at school?
"WHAT is she wearing?"  "What label is that?"
"He will never date me, I'm not a cheerleader".
"I can't date her, she doesn't run with the right crowd!"
OH the terrible terrible judgemental games we played as teens!!
Even those that THINK they didn't judge because they WEREN'T defined as cool, and they DIDN'T run with that crowd... they chose their own path and did their own thing - don't lie.  By boycotting the "cool crowd" you too are judging!
Oh what a vicious cycle!!!
The sad part is - in all that judging - you have NO IDEA what is going on inside those people you are judging.

So you grow up (RIGHT?).  You graduate high school and you enter the rat race.  Real life.  Whether it be college or a job or whatever path you might choose.
You move on.
You leave those high school friends, and enemies.
Some you may see again, but most you won't.
And all those judgements and sleepless nights and worries melt away.
And all you are left with are the hurtful things that you said to another AND/OR the hurtful things that were said to you.
That's it.
All the judgement.

I remember I had a really good friend whom I loved dearly.  We will call her BETH.   I was, just as many others, a freshman trying to fit in. Trying to find my place on this new journey.   And I don't know how I did it, but I did.  I hurt BETH.  I made her feel like she wasn't good enough.... which is ironic because I always thought she was cooler than me.   I found a note one day on the bus that she had written to a boy I liked.   And it said "I think Tammy Green is a snob.  Do you?"
Now I can laugh (kinda) at the immaturity of it all.
But the day I found it, it broke me.   Mostly because someone I liked and thought was cool obviously didn't like me anymore....and I had obviously done something to make her feel that way... and she used the word "snob" about me??  Which was the LAST thing I considered myself.
I never asked her about it but we weren't really friends after that
We grew apart.
For many other reasons I'm sure.... but mainly for that one simple word - "judgement"
I judged her.  She judged me.
And for what???

It's funny - I see her on occasion now.... and ALL I can remember is that note.   Not the fun things we did or how far we have come in life - but the first thing in my mind is always that NOTE.  And as stupid as it is... it STILL hurts my feelings today!

You would think all those lessons we learn in high school would make us better people.  Actually some lessons do.  But what I don't understand is after all the judging and hurtful things that we do and survive in high school - why does the judgement continue?

Is it just the way of the world???

When I got divorced, the hardest part for me, as I'm sure is with many - was that "stigma" that comes with being "divorced".  People will think I FAILED!  I felt like everyone would look at me like I had done something wrong.  Like I must be some evil spawn that someone couldn't stomach being with forever.  And let's not fail to mention the spiritual wounds that diminished my spiritual walk because I felt like I failed and disappointed God too!

Over the past few weeks, I have heard story after story after story of things about people.... some that are good and some I wish I never knew.
But mostly - it has reminded me that judging others is sooooo hurtful and damaging - and just plain wrong.  We are so guilty of looking at others and being jealous or wishing we had the life of someone else.  How many times have you looked at someone and said  "He/She is soooo lucky!!"
And ohhhh how many times we look at someone and say "OH MY.  I would NEVER do that!!"
You don't know.
You haven't walked their path.... you're not on their journey.

Don't assume.
As good as life is for us all - it is also bad.  And hard.  And everyone hurts.
Remember - not everything is as it appears on the outside.

Just as much as you hurt and worry what others think or worry what others will "find out" about you - so is the person next to you.

Love unconditionally.
Pray for everyone you know.
And for the love of everyone around you - stop JUDGING!!

Focus on the good in your life and how lucky and blessed you are.
If it wasn't for the rainy days and the storms, it would be hard to appreciate the SUNSHINE!!! 

And for any of you young high school kids that might somehow stumble upon this page.... when you are in school, don't fret over if you're cool or not cool.  Don't think you have to do things to impress someone else.  Follow your heart.  Love unconditionally.  Treat others as you would want to be treated.  Don't judge your classmates, you don't know what they go home to every day!!!

Just don't judge.

Pouring my heart up and Linking up with Shell over at

I'm feeling kinda "Holey"

I feel a bit "HOLEY" as of late.
What's that you ask?!!
Oh.... mostly just full of holes... voids... pieces missing... like a jigsaw puzzle that people keep stealing pieces out of until you can no longer tell what the picture used to be....
HOLEY!

My son and only child turned 17 this week.  17!!!  That means that this time next year, he will be an "adult" (according to the state of KY - not necessarily according to ME!).  He will be venturing out of my home and off to college and step by step on to his way of discovering himself .... "who he is"... the man he's gonna be.
OH - there are so many swells of pride in me!!  I'm so proud of the man he's becoming.  I'm so proud of his spirit and his heart and his passion and his tender caring nature.  I'm so proud that he WANTS to be something... that he WANTS to go to college.... I'm so proud that he's actually worried that he doesn't know yet exactly what he "wants to be when he grows up".  I'm so proud that he is giving... that he is selfless.... that he genuinely WANTS to do the right thing (though I know at 17 that doesn't always happen!!)   Oh I'm so proud of the man he is growing in to!!!!!
I am lucky!!
I am blessed!
and I am ohhhhhhh so VERY thankful!!

BUT - here's where I get holey......

He's growing up on me......

Then what?!!

So he leaves... he goes off to college.... and it's just me.
I've been a SINGLE MOM for all of my adult life.   That's me.
Tammy the "single mom" and her son Z.  It's who I am.  It's what I know.

And then he leaves.....
And it's just me. 
Tammy. 
Alone.

Now - don't get me wrong - I know that I am still his MOM and there will be different hurdles to cross as he becomes an adult too.  But.... ya know - it's different.
And honestly....
I'm scared
and holey... already.

And it's a year away.

The other part is this:

I often get really sad when i see couples... having their first baby... and I'm doing their first ultrasound.
They are so sweet.... and happy.... and in love.... and doing something together - that frankly - I never had!!
I am VERY happy for my patients... and it overwhelms me sometimes the joy that a couple shares in that moment....
because you see......   I never had that.
...thus the term "single" parent.
Z's dad has been a part of his life and, for the most part - I'm thankful for that.
But he and I were never married.
And I was young....
And alone....
And I did it all myself.  (with the help of a loving family and great friends to keep me sane!)  ha

And while I'm THANKFUL for the strong independent woman I am today....
I guess the shared joy of bringing a baby into this world with your soulmate, is just a blessing that I missed out on....
And as Z walks away from me to stand on his own two feet
I'm left standing....
alone...
closer and closer to 40 and truthfully - physically UNABLE to have another child.
And it becomes more and more of a reality - that once he's gone - my ship has sailed for the husband and the baby and shared joys of ultrasounds and little tiny baby feet and 3 am feedings.

And it becomes more about no longer HAVING a choice
and less about being able to MAKE the choice.

Don't get me wrong.
Life has been VERY good to me.
And I am VERY thankful for all the blessings I've been given... I know that I am unworthy of them all.

But at the same time.... sometimes, I just feel holey.
Today is just one of those days...... or weeks.... or something like that.....

 It's been a while since I've poured my heart out.  Too worried about the people that read my blog that shouldn't......   but whatever.
It's more for the people who do and SHOULD!  :)
So I'm linking up today........

Also - I'm begging you - I DO know that there are women out there that want a baby with all of their being and can't get pregnant.... I understand your pain - I do and I know I'm lucky and blessed to have a child of my own.   Please don't judge me while I'm being all whiny and holey.