ONE love... for there is ONLY one.

So coming home from the gym last night... or this MORNING really (it was a late night... heavy bench... and bench is my NEMESIS - so I kicked it in the BUTT last night!)
Anyway.... coming home from the gym - this new Macklemore song comes on.  "SAME LOVE"   I had yet to hear it.  It starts out speaking... straight to the heart.... pretty intense right out of the gate.  So I turned it up and really listened to the words of this new song.
Have you heard it yet?
I have posted the lyrics here if you would like to read them
I also posted the YouTube of the song - so read along and listen.  It definitely grabs your attention and jerks a bit on those "feelings" we bury deep inside.  And if you have ANY open-minded thoughtfulness in your at all - it will set you to pondering...
.... life.... choices.... religion.... suicide......and LOVE.

I'm just gonna go ahead and put this out there.... I may offend some people, lose some friends, lose some followers or whatever.... but I just felt the need to talk about it.  Offending someone or losing friends is not my intent... but I just really felt the need to talk about this.  This song really hit a nerve

Read the lyrics and/or listen to the song - we'll meet back up at the bottom

When I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay,
'Cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight.
I told my mom, tears rushing down my face
She's like "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-k, trippin' "
Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she?
Bunch of stereotypes all in my head.
I remember doing the math like, "Yeah, I'm good at little league"
A preconceived idea of what it all meant
For those that liked the same sex
Had the characteristics
The right wing conservatives think it's a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don't know
And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago
I don't know

And I can't change, Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change, Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love (x3)
She keeps me warm (x4)

If I was gay, I would think hip-hop hates me
Have you read the YouTube comments lately?
"Man, that's gay" gets dropped on the daily
We become so numb to what we're saying
A culture founded from oppression
Yet we don't have acceptance for 'em
Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board
A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it
Gay is synonymous with the lesser
It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins
It's human rights for everybody, there is no difference!
Live on and be yourself
When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that's not important
No freedom till we're equal, damn right I support it

(I don't know)

And I can't change, Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love (x3)
She keeps me warm (x4)

We press play, don't press pause
Progress, march on
With the veil over our eyes
We turn our back on the cause
Till the day that my uncles can be united by law
When kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart
A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are
And a certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all
But it's a damn good place to start
No law is gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever God you believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it's all the same love
About time that we raised up

And I can't change, Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change, Even if I try
Even if I wanted to
My love (x3)
She keeps me warm (x4)

Love is patient, Love is kind, Love is patient
Love is kind (not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient (not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind (I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient (not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind (I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient (not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind (I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient, Love is kind

There are sooooo many subjects touched on in this song... so many "touchy" subjects.  Things NO ONE wants to discuss.  All the things you have to be all "PC" about.  Same sex marriage. "Gay".   Love.  Religion.  Interracial dating.  Suicide.
Well - allow me to introduce myself.... I'm Tammy - NOT always so "PC"!!

Let's begin with the fact that it first and foremost targets and clearly SUPPORTS same sex relationships and LOVE.  And let me also begin by telling you I am and was raised all my life in a Southern Baptist church.  And you know as well as I know what I was taught about same sex relationships.  But let me put it to you like this.... yes - I was taught that it is wrong.
BUT - as a parent, you love your child undeniably forEVER.  right?!  So what happens when your child says to you "I think I might be gay"   just like in the song.  BET you don't stop loving your child.  right?  What if it's your dad... or your brother or sister.... or your cousin.... or ANYONE that you are close to?  What then?  You stop loving them?  NO.  You condemn them to hell?  NO.  So why do we as people find it in our power to "HATE" on other people who choose that lifestyle?  How do we as humans have the right or the audacity to judge another for their choices?!
I love my friends, I love my family - heck - I'll go so far as to say I generally love people as a whole.   So what if you as a woman fall in love with another woman?  you LOVE her?  Who am I to throw around derogatory words like "gay", "faggot", "homo", etc.  Who do you people think you are??
And people wanna throw the bible in as a shield.  They wanna hide behind some holier than thou mentality and damn these people to hell?  What gives you the right?
I don't understand.
I as a woman, am not attracted to women - but that does NOT make me a better person or mean that I know what love is better than someone who loves someone of the same sex.  Does it?
It does not make it OK for me to judge and discriminate against others.
I choose to wear designer jeans, they fit me better - and frankly - I just like the way they look.  Does that mean I'm better than someone who thinks WRANGLERS fit them better?
Why do we over complicate things?
We as Christians want to go into prisons and preach to the murderers and thieves and embezzlers, but then we wanna lock the door of the church when a couple of the same sex want to come in to worship God.

Another subject touched on in this song is inter-racial relationships.   I will simply mirror what I previously said.... I have not ever been attracted to someone of another color - but that does NOT mean that someone who IS attracted to another race is a bad person or doesn't know what love is.  And it does not give me the right to judge them, treat them differently or act as though I am any better of a person.  Once again - we are all the same on the inside...
For people who want to throw bible verses out to defend what they think is right or wrong, it says "Love one another as I have loved you"    Nowhere does it say "love one another as I love WHITE CHRISTIAN HETEROSEXUAL HUMANS"

And suicide.... Let's think about that.  The song says
"...when kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart... A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are"
Can you IMAGINE for one second... (maybe you can because you feel this way).... can you imagine going around day after day feeling like you have HIDE who you really are?  Feeling like no one understands and no one cares?  And being afraid that if you were honest about who you are, you would be judged and ridiculed so much - that it's just not worth it?
Can you imagine loving your family so much that you hide and pretend every day of your life in order to protect THEM from persecution and ridicule?
Can you imagine being to the point where you are so unhappy that your only solution is suicide?

How confusing and scary it must be for children growing up in this day and age.
It is no wonder that children grow up confused and afraid to be honest about their feelings.
We as a society are so judgemental that it's scary for ANYONE to be open and honest.
Everyone puts on the face that society accepts as "OK" and then you spend your life pretending that the face you wear every day is who you really are and that you are happy.

I will be the first to tell you - there are Christians right now reading my post doubting my salvation and my place as a Christian.  And that's fine.  Because I don't answer to any human here on earth.  God is in my heart, I know I am a Christian, I know I will go to heaven when I die.... and I can still say - I will to the day I die think that there are too many Christians out there worrying more about judging someone else and pushing people away from the cross for their own beliefs and agendas, than there are Christians who truly believe in loving unconditionally and that we should first and foremost "love one another AS I HAVE LOVED YOU"

Let the hating and judgement begin....... for I have an opinion.....

Merry Christmas Eve

I just wanted to take a quick minute to wish every one a VERY Merry Christmas and remind you all....
Please remember the reason for the season.
This time of year we tend to get so caught up in the hustle and bustle and keeping up with who got what - that we lose focus of the true meaning and blessings of the Christmas season.

Today - tonight - tomorrow - some time over this holiday, do something selfless.  Not for the glory, but for someone else.  Stop focusing on the THINGS of this world and focus on the things of the heart!
There is something so much bigger out there than that iPad.

James 1:19-27

Listening and Doing

 ¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. ²¹ Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.  ²² Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³ Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴ and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵ But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.
 ²⁶ Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. ²⁷ Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.


Tonight, in honor of Jesus' birth and in the spirit of giving, I (following the example of a friend) went to Walmart, went in and bought a gift card, and then staked out the parking lot, patiently waiting for a tug leading me down the path I should go.  I found a lovely family, politely walked up and handed the mother a gift card and wished them a Merry Christmas - and walked away.   The little girl with them softly said "awwwww...." as I was walking away.   And with that - I was gone.
Tonight - I will say a special prayer that the family will be blessed a special way this year.

From there - I went on to purchase a gift for an anonymous person that I pray for regularly.  This gift will arrive and never be acknowledged.  But I will pray tonight that this gift does not go unused or unanswered.  It was delivered with a special dose of love and prayer.  Special blessings to this person and family.

I hope that you all stop and remember how blessed each and every one of us are - in our own individual way.
Wishing you all a VERY Merry Christmas
I am VERY thankful for my savior's birth, death and resurrection.

I.  am.  BLESSED.

The foundation

As a child, I was raised in church.  I was given a foundation to stand on.  I am thankful for that.
There were times through out my life when I strayed from what I was taught.  Times that I spread my wings and tried to walk on my own.  And that I did.  But the wonderful thing is... that foundation I was raised with, always brought me back around.
I grew up.  I made mistakes.  I rebelled.  I did wrong.  I did some right too... but for the most part, I did what I wanted to do... what I thought was right.  I had to learn things the hard way.  What can I say?!  It's how I've always learned... the hard way.

Now, I'm an adult.  I know what I was taught.  I know how I raised.  I know from experience that bad decisions or decisions that are not thought through will sometimes come back to haunt you.  It's that funny thing we call life.  Sometimes they are decisions I make, and sometimes they are decisions that are made for me.  But even when the decision is made FOR me... I still have to decide how to handle and deal with that decision.  And I'm thankful for my upbringing and my foundation because I know right from wrong.  I know up from down.  I know because I always pray and ask, what would God have me do here?  Now I think not what I want, but what God wants... when I'm at a crossroad and I'm forced to deal with something, I now have the withstanding to step back and think... what would God have me do?

Here's where things get confusing.... and this may be a little deep for some.

One of the fundamentals in my foundation and religion is this.... (I do realize there are VERY different opinions on this)  I have always been raised to believe once saved always saved.   That once you have that transformation and ask Jesus into your heart, that is where he resides.  Forever.  Sure I believe that you can stray... you can mess up... heck, we are a people in a world full of sin.  Being saved doesn't make you perfect.  It makes NO ONE perfect.  We ALL mess up.  But I believe with God in your heart and knowing that you have professed your faith in him, that there will be a PULL in your heart as you are walking down that dark path that tugs at your heart... your conscious... Jesus in your heart beckoning you all the while that you are following YOUR will and not God's will.
Here's where things are beginning to get a little fuzzy for me these days.

Do you believe that there is a point where that salvation is lost?  I have had conversations with several people recently.  About my recent circumstances and about other situations happening all around me.  And although I have always stood strong on my belief and that foundation.... I have been reading and researching recently and I now wonder... is there a point where you cross a line and your no longer in favor of God.  Is there a point where your name is no longer written in the book of life?  Is there a point where you have completely turned your back and God and that gift of salvation and you have committed the unpardonable sin of blasphemy?  Is there a point where your testimony is no longer a testimony?  Is there a point where you are walking down a road blatantly doing YOUR will and trying to fix YOUR life on YOUR own and God's will is no longer a factor?
And if you go down that road... if you still profess to be a Christian but you live a life that shows nothing but pride and self preservation and SELF will that you have turned your back so far to the point where you become more a hinderence to God's will rather than a testimony?
And when you reach that point... are you really truly saved?  Are you truly heaven bound?

Ironically, after these recent conversations and insight - I read my daily devotion today.  And this is what it said....

THE CHANGED LIFE

"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new"  (2 Corinthians 5:17)

What understanding do you have of the salvation of your soul?  The work of salvation means that in your real life things are dramatically changed.  You no longer look at things in the same way.  Your desires are new and the old things have lost their power to attract you.  One of the tests for determining if the work of salvation in your life is genuine is - has God changed the things that really matter to you?  If you still yearn for the old things, it is absurd to talk about being born from above - you are deceiving yourself.  If you are born again, the Spirit of God makes the change very evident in your real life and thought.  And when a crisis comes, you are the most amazed person on earth at the wonderful difference there is in you.  There is no possibility of imagining that you did it.  It is this complete and amazing change that is the very evidence that you are saved.

What difference has my salvation and sanctification made?  For instance, can I stand in the light of 1 Corinthians 13, or do I squirm and evade the issue:  True salvation, worked out in me by the Holy Spirit frees me completely.  And as long as I "walk in the light as He is in the light" (1 John 1:7), God sees nothing to rebuke because His life is working itself into every detailed part of my being, not on the conscious level, but even deeper than my consciousness. ~Oswald Chambers~

  
If you no longer have that pull?  If you no longer feel the need to do God's will - but are instead focused on YOUR WILL and YOU fixing things and paying for your mistakes....  are you walking in the light anymore?  If you continually ignore that pull in your heart and continually turn your back on the God you accepted in your heart, do you feel like at some point you become more of a hindrance to God's plan than a testimony?  Does your testimony just become blasphemous?  And if it is - do you believe that is the unpardonable sin that removes your name from the book of life?

The Bicycle Ride

When I first met Christ

It seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride,

But it was a tandem bike,

And I noticed that Christ

Was in the back helping me pedal.

I don't know just when it was that

He suggested we change places,

But life has not been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way,

It was rather boring, but predictable...

It was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead,

He knew delightful long cuts,

Up mountains, and through rocky places,

At breakneck speeds,

It was all I could do to hang on!

Even though it looked like madness,

He said, "Pedal"

I worried and was anxious and asked,

"Where are you taking me?"

He laughed and didn't answer,

And I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life

And entered into the adventure.

And when I'd say, "I'm scared,"

He'd lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed.

Gifts of healing, acceptance, and joy.

He said, "Give the gifts away;

They're extra baggage, too much weight."

So I did, I gave them to the people we met,

And I found that in giving I received,

And still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, In control of my life.

I thought He'd wreck it;

But He knows bike secrets,

Knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners,

Knows how to jump to clear high rocks,

Knows how to fly to shorten scary passages.

And I am learning to shut up

and pedal in the strangest places,

And I'm beginning to enjoy the view

And the cool breeze on my face

With my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.

And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore,

He just smiles and says...

"Pedal."

Hello...God... are you there?!

I recently found a new friend!
I got a visit from Chantelle at The Fabulous Life on yesterday's post of pouring my heart out.
Gosh Chantelle - I'm sorry that my first post you visited seemed to be so down.
That really was not my intent.
I did spend some time pouring out MY heart and when all was said and done, I realized how SAD it sounded  (if you missed it - find it HERE - Who I Am?)
I DO have a Godly man in my life and I DO love him with everything I have.  I pray for him and for US daily.  It just makes me sad and frustrated sometimes to look around, not just in my relationship but in all those around me that seem to lose sight of the "LOVE".... they lose sight of the things they fell in love with in the first place... bills, and jobs, and life becomes more important and they (we) lose each other.
It just breaks a little inside me.
Cause I'm the free spirit girl that "lives on love"
I'm the "love conquers all" girl.
I AM the starry eyed, found the man of my dreams, holding hands, leaving love notes, LOVE to kiss, spontaneous, I am "complete" girl.
but sometimes.....I find myself caught up and lost in life and fallen by the wayside....and I feel broken.  And my spirit and starry eyes disappear.  And it's just easier to believe in myself... because no one lives on love....really.  Do they?!  {{sniff sniff}}

OK - TOOOOOOTALLY sidetracked.
The subject of my post today is based on Chantelles pouring her heart out yesterday.  If you missed her post - please go read it.

To answer all your questions Chantelle - this is how I feel.

Do I believe in God?  YES - Absolutely!  (maybe sometime soon I will share my testimony here... I have contemplated it before... but maybe it is time)

YES - I believe in salvation.  I believe that you have to believe in God, you have to trust in him, you have to BELIEVE that Jesus came and died on a cross for you and for me.  This is fact.  This is history.  THIS we know to be true.  Right?!  I believe that accepting that in your heart is what gets to you to heaven.  NOT all the "good works" you do - which in turn also means that "bad things" that you do DONT keep you from heaven.  NOT that I'm saying you can run around killing people and still be living a Christian life.  What I'm saying is.......with God in your heart, you shouldn't have desires to live like the world.  Oh - you will - we are HUMAN.  Like I said yesterday....God gave us free will and we WILL make mistakes (Lord, don't you know I have made mine)  But the beauty of living as a Christian is when you do those things, you will KNOW you did wrong.  You will be convicted in your OWN heart and you will seek forgiveness.  And you will hopefully turn from those things.  CONTINUING to do what you KNOW is wrong and you KNOW you are being convicted about - THAT is when we get in trouble.  ;-)

Yes - I do believe we are punished.  I do believe that blessings are with-held when we are wrong, and KNOW we are wrong.  I don't however believe that God turns his back on us as christians EVER.  He will not condemn you to hell for making a mistake.  WE ARE NOT PERFECT and I will never pretend to be.
I AM a work in progress... I have potential - and I work every day towards better serving Him and being a better witness for Him.

*Here is where things get sticky for me... and sadly for others....*

There are people out there that are "OVER-churched"
There are people who will TELL YOU you are wrong for how you live and that you are going to hell etc etc.  THEY are not your Father in Heaven.  THEY have no right to "judge".  If you are doing wrong, God will speak to YOU.  And I believe if God instructs another Christian to speak to you about what you are doing, that is one thing -  God will give them the words to talk lovingly to you.  But to blatantly come to you and tell you that you are going to hell.......like I said - they are not your JUDGE.
And unfortunately - this turns people away from Christianity.

However, I have to agree with the FIL (not that you are going to hell for believing in gay marriage) but I do believe if you are not a Christian... if you have not accepted Christ into your heart... then yes sadly, the Bible says, your eternity will be spent in hell.  And I do NOT say that in judgement, I say that only because that is what I believe the bible teaches.  Cheating does not condemn you to hell... it IS wrong, but it does not condemn you to hell.  But that does NOT by any means make what SHE does or continues to do RIGHT in any way......and she will suffer for her wrong doings.  She will also have to answer for those things at the pearly gates  ;-)

Pray for me.... Speak to me if God lays it on your heart....  But do it in private and lovingly - NOT as though you  are my judge.  Christians are NOT perfect and those who run around pretending they are - are just wrong.  {but I promise, not ALL Christians are that way... some of us are real}

I will tell you this......I WAS raised my entire life in a very conservative Baptist church. I consider myself to lean towards the more liberal conservative side.   I had GREAT church friends and a great childhood.  But as I grew older, through high school (this is in my testimony) I strayed from God.  I was still a Christian, but the "world" became more enticing and I rebelled.  I lived a long time outside of the will of God.  But here's the thing.....looking back now, God knew my heart and he knew he lived there AND HE NEVER LEFT ME.... sure I had moments where I knew I was wrong, I FELT it...no one had to "tell me"....but coming back to God is a scary thing.  And it shouldn't be.
THIS IS WHERE YOU FIND PEACE.
but it is our own guilt that is scary....not God.

God is NOT a vengeful God.  He does not want to hurt us.  He only wants us to love him and put him first and live a life that reflects him. 
God took care of me when I was outside of his will.  I look back and I honestly can't tell you how or why I'm still here.......OTHER THAN God has a plan for me.  He took care of me when I had no one else.  My bills were paid, my child was taken care of and I honestly can tell you - through God is the ONLY way that could have happened, because on paper, it just doesn't make sense.

I definitely don't want to shove God or religion down your throat or anyone elses.  But it breaks my heart to know the things that people said to you Chantelle.  THAT is not the God I know.

The God I know put his hand on me and protected me when I was living a life that did not glorify him.  He was in my heart and there he stayed and he was there when I finally turned and realized I DID need Him and only HIM in my life.

The God I know took a man I know who is an alcoholic, and helped him set the bottle down and walk away.  This man still plays music in local hang outs, but no longer drinks while there.  He now plays music at church also.

The God I know took a man I know who was on the brink of hell...full of self loathing and guilt and insecurity and SHOWED him through others' eyes what a GREAT man he is and that God DOES have a plan for him.

The God I know held the hand of a very dear friend of mine recently while he watched his grandfather pass away... he gave him peace in knowing heaven is now a better place with his grand dad there.

The God I know reminds me EVERY DAY that HE has a plan bigger and better than anything I could try to set in motion myself.

I could go on and on about the miracles I have personally witnessed in not just MY life but all those around me.
I think your husband is right.  I think if you spend some time in the bible...it will help you understand.  Your relationship or choice to live a life with God in it is yours and yours alone.  No one can make you believe (nor should they try), no one can make you understand and no one can put the feeling of peace that you will have with Him into words.

As for your children,  I say YES on the book.  YES let the children learn and have the choice to believe.  We are instructed to have child like faith and by letting your children read and learn, you may be surprised at what you will learn "through the eyes of a child"

And like one comment says, you can believe in God, have faith and have a relationship with God.   But the way you worship and the relationship you have with God is up to you and God.  PERIOD.  No one else.

As for you Chantelle and with anyone that reads this blog... I am here.  If you have questions or want to know more.... post questions OR feel free to email me.  I'm an open book.   and like I said - I am a work in progress but I am willing to share what I can when I can along the path I travel  :-)

**Also - I did NOT post this blog to IMPOSE my feelings on anyone else......I do believe in God and everything he has done in my life - and ANY time I get the opportunity to share that...I will.  It is NOT intended to offend anyone else.... these are strictly MY beliefs!**

Broken and spilled out... some days I'm just not strong enough..

So I've kinda been quiet on the blog front this week.....
I wasn't really sure that I could open myself up anymore...

but then I remembered - THIS is why I blog!!!  ha ha
it's therapy people!

So I'm sharing...

This past Wednesday we began a women's bible study at church.  I am leading the class and chose a Beth Moore study (A woman's heart: God's dwelling place)   This was Beth's very first bible study so I thought it would be a good place to start.  And I'm REALLY excited about the study. 

BUT - Wednesday - we had yet to get the books passed out, so this week was simply a time of introduction and getting to know each other.  I used this first meeting with the women to share a little bit of me... and my soul... and what God has done in my life.  I shared a somewhat condensed version of my testimony of my life with Christ.

Let me first say - I am NO public speaker by any means.  (I'm talking a NERVOUS WRECK people!!)  I could ONLY be doing this through lots of prayer and the good Lord holding my hand.  I will also tell you - I have been through ALOT!  And I'm a pretty emotional girl.... so I provided Kleenex.  My story definitely has hills and valleys, but the good part is, I know now that I am where God can use me.  And THAT makes me smile.

So I shared this with all the women on Wednesday night.  (maybe I will share it with you all sometime...) And we agreed to go on this bible study journey together.  And I'm SO excited to take this walk WITH THEM and to learn and study God's Word.

BUT - Wednesday night, I came home after class.  Alone.  Z wasn't home.... Preacher T was still at church playing music.... and I guess THIS is where the devil works.  I was absolutely drained.  Broken.  Emotional.  did I mention broken???  and alone....  And maybe God intended it to be this way... so that I lean on him instead of anyone else.....
then Thursday.... man.... WHAT a day...  I essentially spent the entire day second guessing myself and questioning things I said or didn't say.... and just basically beating myself up???  WHYYYY this self inflicted torture?  I don't know!!!
But I do know, the rest of my week has been tough...
I have probably spent WAY too much worrying about this...

And there's more...

At work, I was telling someone about the bible study and how it went, and while talking about this - someone else in the office overheard...  and proceeded to walk out into the hallway and say  "YOU are teaching the class???  I didn't even know you went to church!"
ummm......OUCH!
I of course laughed it off and made a joke out of it.  But really??!!  Have I been THAT bad of a witness??
This only added to the self inflicted torture.
Want another twist to the story - a different lady I work with, that I had actually invited to the study was talking about it and was overhead by someone else, which spawned yet ANOTHER conversation!!!!

You guys.... the REST of the week at work, this has been the TOPIC of conversation.  That TAMI is teaching a bible study!
AGAIN- did I appear to be such a horrible person that THIS news is THAT worthy??!!!

Don't get me wrong.  I know it's not that big of a deal.
And I told my friend who I invited to the study that I believe you just never know what might come from the talk.... this whole thing could make a difference in someone's life.  I feel like no matter what is being said, if the Lord is brought up in conversation, no matter HOW, it could be something that someone needs to hear?
So I don't want you to think I'm sitting here beating myself over other's opinions of me.

I think it was more that I opened and poured myself out for God.... and WHAT BETTER TIME for doubt and fear and questions to creep into my head.  Not so much questioning what I said, or my testimony or that I'm walking in God's will... but maybe just questioning whether or not I'm worthy.

Does that make sense???

I just feel not worthy.

this sentiment has proceeded to creep now into other areas of my life....
I won't go into too much detail about that because .... well.... you guys don't want to know THAT much about me!  ha ha
(plus this could VERY easily turn into a 2 hour long post!)

So I will leave you with this.......
I do believe I am where I am supposed to be.  I am VERY excited about our bible study and I DO intend to share what we are doing!   (hopefully either on Wednesday after class or on Thursdays!)  I would love for you all to join in and hopefully the lessons we learn on Wednesday can be spread all through out bloggy world  :)   *and facebook world too*

Thank you guys for listening reading.... and if you pray, please keep me in your prayers.

I also wanted to share one of my fav songs before I go.
I hope it touches someone out there.....

Motivational Monday :) *WARNING - you may be offended*

I struggled with getting started today.....Mondays are always a drag in a sense and I try to put on a happy face when I get up - because I swear your mood can be soooo affected by your perspective on the day.  BUT - I struggled today....I struggled to get going, I struggled to get motivated and I really struggled to put on my happy face.....
So for lunch, I went home and did a little house cleaning.  Laundry - check; dishes - check; trash taken out - check;  PRODUCTIVE right.... and yet still I sat....without motivation...without anything to talk about... without any POSITIVE motivation to pass on....

Now - I am a FIRM believer that sometimes - you just have to stop trying so hard and just listen and wait.  So that I did.  I relaxed and enjoyed my lunch......and suddenly it came to me why I was soooo off kilter.  Do you ever feel like you are going nowhere..just peddling your wheels in place???  Do you ever feel like you are so consumed with everyone else's faults that you fail to take care of your own?  And not just faults, but maybe - for me anyway - by nature, I'm a helper... I love to listen and talk and help... and I get so caught up in others issues and what I can do help them, that I forget to give myself a direction....Do you ever feel like you are just riding the fence through life?

I came across this quote today - totally randomly {{yeah right - Thank you Lord!}}

"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything."

As I read it....I realized......I don't ever STAND when it comes to me.  I can give everyone else advice and voice my opinion, but when it comes to ME - I sit on the fence and wait to see what everyone else is going to do..I wonder how my decisions will affect everyone else...and I worry and sit.  Unchanged.  Unmoving.  I just sit.
This is not true in EVERY aspect of my life, but it is true in some pretty big places.  There are certain things I believe in and I will tell you and don't care WHO I offend.  BUT when it comes to ME and the things I need to fix about ME - I will simply tell you I'm not sure how I feel about that issue, I will make excuses, I will justify......and then I just sit on it.
There are soooo many GOOD things happening in my life right now...and yes I'm thankful.  Make no mistake about that.  I will tell you a million times how thankful I am and how blessed I am.  But sitting around being thankful and doing NOTHING with it - has made me....well... sad.  Stagnant.  Guilty.  and just plain dissappointed in me.  And I don't like where I am.
Why?
Well - I'll tell you  {{if you are offended by religious beliefs - HERE is where you might want to exit because I won't apologize for my beliefs}}  I believe that God blesses us with gifts.  Some that are tangible gifts & rewards and some that are meant to be USED to give back to him.  In other words, I believe that along with gifts, God also ASKS things of us.  And I believe that he will only ask so many times before he will stop asking.  I have BEEN at that point in my life.
I have walked SOOOOO far away from God that I didn't hear his voice anymore.  And trust me, that's a lonely place to be.  Now - I'm NOT saying that God EVER turned his back on me.... he was ALWAYS there, all I had to do was take his hand...and just listen.   I chose not to.  I walked away.  He NEVER turned his back on me... and I could tell you for DAYS how he took care of me and my son...even when I turned my back on him... 
But the gifts he gave me were fruitless at that point in my life.
 
I know what these gifts are.  I know how they can be used.  I know how they glorify Him  &  I know what is asked of me every day.
My problem is picking a side of the fence, standing for something no matter WHO it offends or hurts along the way.... I KNOW right from wrong.  I also KNOW the GOOD that comes from taking his hand and trusting that doing HIS will may just offend a few people - but in the long run - the example that YOU are for all the other people far outweighs the ones you offend.  (and I'll share a little secret with ya... the ones that you offend, are often under conviction about that very thing you have offended them with... just sayin...)
 
A few months ago - I listened to a sermon that referenced a prayer that was prayed in Kansas in the opening session of the House.  I'm sharing it with you today.  And I'm sharing it EXACTLY as it was written.  Joe Wright, the pastor of Central Christian Church in Wichita was the guest chaplain that day. He prayed a prayer of repentance that was written by Bob Russell, pastor of Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky.  The prayer stirred up PLENTY of contraversy, but I can't help but wonder, how many people it touched.  No one ever bothers to point out those results from something contraversial.
 
Heavenly Father,


We come before You today to ask Your Forgiveness and seek Your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, ''Woe to those who call evil good,'' but that's exactly what we have done. We have lost our Spiritual equilibrium and inverted our values. We confess that; we have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and called it pluralism; We have worshipped other gods and called it multiculturalism; We have endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle; We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery; We have neglected the needy and called it self preservation; We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare; We have killed our unborn and called it choice; We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable; We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem; We have abused power and called it political savvy; We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition; We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression; We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, O God, and know our hearts today; try us and see if there be some wicked way in us; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent here by the people of this state and who have been ordained by You, to govern this great state of Kansas. Grant them your wisdom to rule and may their decisions direct us to the center of Your Will.

I ask in in the name of your Son, The Living Savior, Jesus Christ

I'm not asking you to AGREE with everything that was prayed that day.  I am simply pointing out that sometimes, we have to stand for what we believe in.  Pick a side of the fence and tell people what God lays on your heart... and then - you know what?!  CONTINUE to stand for what you believe.

My motivational message to you today is simply this:
If there are things in your life that you don't agree with or you don't like - get rid of them.  If you are living in a way that doesn't glorify YOUR God and your beliefs, leave those habits by the wayside.  If there are things you aren't doing because your scared of who you might offend or your scared of falling on your face... trust in God and just do it.  God will never let anything done in His Name go in vain.  You never know who is watching and what a difference one decision in your life could make to someone else.
Stand for something.
I'm making changes today.