Stagnant and GRAY.... with a side of PINK!

I lift weights.

I train. 

I sweat. 

I bleed.

I have calluses on my hands.

I prefer sports bras over real bras.

I push myself harder than others.

I hold myself to a higher standard.

I AM my own worst critic. 

I am my own worst enemy. 

I expect to be THE best at every thing I do!!

I. 

AM. 

HARD!!!!

(and impatient!)

And inside... I AM still a girl.  

I get frustrated. 

I get disappointed. 

And yes, it makes me SO mad that sometimes... yes... I might shed a few water droplets!!

I make the mistake (OFTEN) of comparing myself and my progress to others... because why not?!  Why not me?!  If they are capable, why not me??  Don't we breathe the same air and talk the same talk and walk the same walk?!  Don't we??!!

So I look at these girls who bench this and squat that...
some have been lifting quite a bit longer than me and some just a little longer than me. ... But always.... MORE than me!!

And I'm over here like "I'm putting in the work... I'm working HARD.  I'm benching and squatting and deadlifting like a DUDE.  But I still paint my nails, and color my hair and wear pink... I'm still a GIRL!!"

 

I know.

I know... 

NOT to compare to others.... But HELLO, I'm a competitive girl - lifting in a competitive world!!  (I just sang "living in a material world" to that sentence.. And now so are you!  "Cause we are living in a COMPETITIVE world... and I am a COMPETITIVE girl!"  Did you sing it??  You're welcome!) ...anywho... I know you're not supposed to do that.  So sometimes I redirect those thoughts to "am I better today than I was yesterday?"

And as of late... I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I am!

Yeh I'm more tone. 

Yup I'm better in my form than when I started (still FAR from perfect).

I know more inspirational people. 

I can talk about the sport with more knowledge. 

My brain is bigger

My quads are bigger

My BUTT is bigger

Even my tiny little biceps are bigger

But the problem....

My lifts are NOT!!!

They are going nowhere

And fast!!!

As you recall, I did a mock meet back in April where I tested my maxes.  

Here is what I walked away with

Bench - 105 (10 pound pr) 

Squat - 185 (45 pound pr)

Deadlift - 230 (5 pound pr)

Since then... I have run through The Cube cycle an entire time again...  tested again with results that are nothing to brag about (although my body weight was about 11 pounds lighter!)

Bench went back down 10 pounds. Squat down 25 pounds. And dead only went up 10

We are now half way through another cycle of The Cube, and once again I tried to test my max on bench... and I FAILED at MISERABLY.

So I'm in the midst of having a FULL BLOWN "GIRL" breakdown!!!
I work out with guys.  All guys. 
NO girls there...... ZERO.
So when I break down and get frustrated I really have no one to "understand" and ya know....
"feel ya dawg!"

What is a girl to do??

Something has got to give somewhere...... I guess you can always go harder... but I'm at a loss.
This program I'm running works for so many people

WHAT is my problem???

I'm not slacking.   I'm not cutting corners.  I'm doing the work!!
And my bench is MOST disappointing for me.

So anyway - I said all that to say this.

I'm very frustrated in my gym efforts.  I'm very disappointed in my lifts.
And I don't know what to do to fix them right now.

Other than..... keep going hard.  Keep pushing.
And somehow figure out what the @(#*$&#$(*&#$ is WRONG with what I'm doing!!!

So in the meantime, I'll just be over here being a GIRL!!!!
All PINK and GRAY......