Motivational Monday ~push through~

I've been on an emotional roller coaster for weeks

I've inquired

I've pushed

I've questioned

I've wondered

I've been mad

I've been sad

I've been on the brink of rage

I've been to the point of tears
(OK - there have been TEARS!)

I'm mad

I'm sad

I'm defeated

I'm angered

I'm challenged

I'm determined

I've been working out for 9 months now
And I guess I've really CARED about my lifting for about 3 months
and I've come a LONG way....

I have DEFINITELY grown to love this sport!
I love the challenge
I love the growth
I love the failures and fighting back
I love the wins...
I love the fight
I love everything about it

I'm competitive and although I shouldn't be comparing myself to others, I sometimes do.  And it drives me (and angers me).  But even more than that - I see what I did months ago, weeks ago, and even DAYS ago... and it inspires me to be better than ME!  As long as I am better tomorrow than I am today - I am growing... and THAT makes me happy!

But alas... about 2 weeks ago, I noted a pain my back.

Well - I didn't NOTICE a pain in my back, more like the pain in my back took me to my knees and took my breath away!

OUCH!
(and I'm a TOUGH girl!)

Now remember - I'm a GIRL - in a gym full of BOYS...

I went to pick up a deadlift and about half way up to lock out - my body's immediate reaction to the PAIN that RIPPED through my back was TEARS.  They STREAMED down my face.  I promptly dropped the bar and took my broken self to regroup in the bathroom.  Once I regained my composure - I took my hard-headed self back to the bar... to push through the pain.  There I promptly picked up the bar with the SAME reaction.  Back to the bathroom I went... where if there had been anything other than a sink and toilet in there, I probably would have kicked that something to the south side of Florida!

So disappointed in myself!

I finished out the night with some leg work and maybe a few more loosely held crocodile tears.

Since that night - I have been trying to find out what is going on and why it hurts so bad.

Because #1 - thinking that I can't lift anymore, breaks my spirit (AND that's not an option quite frankly!  So shut up - let's not even SAY that out loud!)
And #2 - thinking that I'm slowly losing deadlift pounds makes those crocodile tears even bigger!

So - my first step was visiting a Sports Medicine doctor.  He told me it's probably just a strained muscle and told me to take 2 Alleve twice a day.  So I did, and the pain slowly lessened... but never completely went away.  And the next week, on deadlift night, I again attempted my lifts... with the same result.  Pain and loss of breath... and maybe some more of those big crocodile "it hurts" tears.  So at this point, I again worked the crap outta my legs and lower back and then talked to a guy who has been lifting for a LONG time and been through alot of stuff himself, and the author of "The Cube", Mr. Brandon Lilly.  He instructed me to get to a chiropractor ASAP.  I promptly got in touch with someone to schedule an appointment (thanks again Kelli if you are reading this!)

The next day I had lots of back xrays done and headed off to the Chiropractor.

He was super nice and went over all my films with me.

He then informed me that first of all - I have scoliosis.  YAY... Cheer {insert SARCASM!}
BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And he also informed me that my spine is a bit twisted.  Again - cheers are heard all around!  NOT!!  We went over several plans where I gladly informed him that I do NOT want to quit lifting... and I have a mock meet with BRANDON LILLY and crew in like.... 6 weeks.  And I need to impress.

Losing my lifts between now and then is not an option.

OH..... so sad!!!

Needless to say - I have been bummed ever since.

I'm still waiting to see what my chiropractic plan will be and I do intend to follow through to hopefully get this pain issue worked out!

But in the meantime, I have spent an excessive amount a small amount of time pouting... I even missed going to the gym Friday night.  Mostly because I worked my BUTT off at my job on Friday and my back was killing me... but I will admit - MOST OF IT part of it was a tiny wee bit of being POUTY about not being able to do my work like normal....

During all this pain and questioning, I have definitely fallen victim to a bit of frustration... and self loathing... and being disappointed in myself.  I've spent WAY too much time reading what OTHER girls are doing and seeing what they look like and comparing myself to all of them.  WAY too much time!!!  Girls that have been lifting longer than me... girls with more experience than me....

And I have reacted by eating horribly... and pouting... burning up some Ben & Jerry's and Mt Dews!!  {typical girl reaction!}

Then I look at how I've reacted and it makes me even MORE depressed about where I am right now.
So disappointed in me!!

So - as of today - NO MORE!

I intend to go to the chiropractor and work on what's wrong.
I'm still going to go to the gym like always and do everything I can still do without hurting myself!
I will hold out faith that my hard work will keep my strength so that while my back is healing, I don't lose all the strength I have worked so hard to gain...

AND.....
for those of you who know me.....
and know how I like to eat - and how I hate CARDIO...
I'm biting the bullet.

As of today - I will begin a cardio routine along with my lifting.
And I will be more conscious of my eating habits.

NO

MORE

POUTING

When there is a roadblock on one road... you must regroup, refocus and work on what you CAN work on rather than sitting at the road block pouting about not being able to go through.

There is ALWAYS work to be done...
And there is ALWAYS positive to focus on to feed you to push through the negative.  You just have to choose where your focus lies!

Every day comes with the opportunity to start again with a fresh look.
Today - I begin again.

New focus and even BIGGER goals.
Push through the negative and you will ALWAYS come out stronger in the end.