If you can't say something nice.... then what?

What? 
Don't say anything at all??
Where's the fun in that?  Or the healing??

So I guess I'm breaking all the rules today.
Being politically "UNcorrect"....
Not biting my tongue.
Letting it all hang out. 
What's new there?!  ha
I don't intend it to be ugly - but today - I guess I'm just gonna write as if no one is reading..
quite frankly - no one probably is......
And maybe... this will be just another one of those blogs that gets lost out in the internet abyss.
Just a little open ended, having a bad day, wanna break something kinda blogging.

Today would have been my 2 year anniversary.

2 years ago I did "that thing" that everyone.... most..... some.... look forward to.  
You too guys....
Admit it.
Maybe not so much the act of getting all dressed up and walking down an aisle - but the security in knowing that someone has pledged their undying love to you.  The day that you honestly believe that there is another soul on this planet to walk with hand in hand.
The day that you put your complete trust and love and all your hopes and dreams into one other individual.  Forsaking all others.... and trusting that they feel and are doing the same.

It's the day that every LITTLE girl looks forward to  (I say "little" because as a young girl, all we know is to grow up and get married... we dress up in sheets and carry pretend flowers and believe that one day all our dreams will come true.  Then we grow up and realize, that is not ALL that life has to hold for us!!!)

You see....... 2 years ago, I fell into the belief that I had truly found a man who loved me.  Truly, honestly loved me.  And I had been fooled before.  Believe that.
I had waited and waited and held out on trusting a man fully with my heart.
2 years ago - I gave mine away.
Only to quickly find out - I was a band-aid... a piece of tape.... over a piece of gauze.... hiding all that was the "truth".

2 years later - I feel like such a fool.

Because now I look back and see all those red flags..... The ones that I ignored for "love"

And sadly enough... I see the path that has been taken since we divorced and I see he is doing the same exact thing to another woman.  Ironically - the one that he was wooing behind my back.
Another one that thinks... "Ohhhh - he loves me.  He's gonna be different this time.  I'm special.  this is real"  Because he makes you believe that is true.
On the outside looking in - it's easy to see all those signs... all those red flags.... all the warning signs.
And part of me wants to SCREAM at her and show her all that is being gauzed and taped and hidden with band-aids.  Part of me wants to warn her.....
Not to hurt him.
Not to judge him
But more to protect her.  And I don't even know her
But then I realize too  - that while he was wooing her while HE was married.... she was ALSO wooing him KNOWING he was married...... AS WAS SHE!!!!!!!
And I owe her nor him NOTHING.

2 years later...  I know that I am better off.
I know that he is the exact man that fooled me and BETRAYED me....
And I see that he is still that same man... walking the same path...
I KNOW that in 2 years I have healed and grown and have become a better woman for what I have been through....
I KNOW that!

And I know that I am now TRULY loved, respected and cherished by a man who knows me and believes in me and loves me like that other man NEVER did.

I am TRULY loved......
and I'm lucky.  And thankful for that.
I'm thankful to know what real, honest, love you above all others LOVE really feels like.

But I am really struggling today with letting go of the anger towards a man who robbed me of that infamous little girl day "dressed in sheets and carrying my fake flowers down the aisle"

And honestly today..... I should be celebrating and thankful that I got out when I did

I never thought I would have to say that.
I guess no one does.

Just a cruisin'.....

And ...... we're back!
From a fabulously awesome.. sunshiny.. blue water.. Caribbean.. relaxing.. carefree.. week away!!!
The best part and another reason why  I 
L. O. V.  E.  my job.... I love the people I work with and what I do - but I could actually walk away from work on Friday and not think a thing about work until I got back this morning!!!  (at 7 am... blahhhhhh)  THAT my friends .... is a VACATION!!!!!
AND a much needed resting of the mind body and soul..... I've had a rough year!!  :-/
couldn't have picked a better person to spend it with.

We laughed... we tanned.... we played in the casino.... we snorkeled....  we made fun of people (WHAT?!!)... we made memories.... we bought souvenirs for all those we love....  we slept in.... we ate.. and ATE.... and ATE.... we watched shows.... we played Bingo (LOL).... we fell in love with our cruise director and assistant cruise director - for they were quite possibly BIGGER smart butts than we!...

I don't know how many of you have or haven't cruised before  - but I highly recommend it!
We plan to take Z man for graduation next year and I'm HOPING (fingers crossed) it can be a family affair - I mean the WHOLE big family!  I'm planning in my head already!!  :-)

Anywho.... please allow me to share some of our funnies and highlights!  :-)    There are soooo MANY!!

As you may or may not know - on a (Carnival) cruise, you sign up for dinner in the dining room each night.  At dinner, you are randomly placed with others to enjoy your dinner!  WE were luckily placed with "mouse" and "music man" as we so lovingly referred to them  :)  **yes - that is the kind way we referred to them...I won't tell you the ugly names!  I don't wanna ruin my sweet reputation**
So anyway - first night at dinner, we are seated with this lovely young newlywed couple.  They were very friendly... and chatty.... and inquisitive... and chatty.....asked a lot of questions etc.   But within 5 minutes of being at the table and the first real interaction, I was spent.
On a cruise, you are presented with an every day menu and a special dinner menu that changes every night.  On that special menu are exotic things that you might not venture to try any other time.  Each night there was an appetizer.... Above it was the word "DIDJA" in bold capital letters.  Below it - were the words "didja ever wanna try???"  and below that, a few line spaces below that was an appetizer that would be considered edgy.  Something you wouldn't pay just to try under normal circumstances.   Well... On this particular night, the appetizer listed under the above mentioned lines was "Escargot" with a description of course of SNAILS!!!   When we were seated, mouse was eating an appetizer (as we were a bit late for dinner) - I said "OH - are you trying the escargot?"  Mouses reply.... "NO - it's the DIDJA.   I'm not sure what it is, but I think it's some kind of mushroom"
*sigh.........* 
And THIS is who we are to enjoy dinner with each night.
A lovely lady at the table to my right leaned over and said to me... "it's the escargot"
At that point - I raised my hand and asked to be moved to HER table!!!!!
KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!
being the sweet lovely patient person I am - we endured the next night of dinner with mouse and music man.  It was after all "FORMAL" night and I didn't want to miss out on wearing my new dress!  So we joined them again....  I can't even begin to share the conversations.... I erased them immediately from taking up space in my head as we walked out the door.
That was the last night we ate in the dining room.

FORMAL NIGHT -   also known as the ONLY night I fixed my hair on the cruise!  HA!

But we did dress up nice!  :)

Moving on........

One of my favorite and most anticipated events of the cruise was ....... snorkeling.  It was AWESOME!!!  Don't get me wrong - it took a bit of getting used to - I mean you are forcing yourself to essentially breathe while your face is submerged in water.  And when you breathe through that snorkel, you DEFINITELY sound like Darth Vader...  so in the beginning when I tried to breathe, I laughed.  That doesn't fair well with a mask on your face.   Needless to say - I swallowed a bit of the ocean there in Grand Turk!   And SPOILER ALERT...... although snorkeling was awesome and we saw some pretty cool fish... and coral... and anemone... Under water does NOT look like this......   

CURSE you NEMO!!!!!

I look more like THIS - big ol' dork!  Stylin!!

And the sea.... a bit more like THIS

And THIS!!!!

Don't get me wrong - it's GORGEOUS - just don't head in expecting NEMO....  LOL

So not to get into too much more detail about the rest......  we had emergency training at "Muster Station C" (we were supposed to be in B!) with Rob Schneider (well..... I think it was Rob's Latino twin!!  We later saw him rockin the bass in an old school rock band in the casino - GO Rob!!!)  LOL

We saw a 12 year old "sassy pants" WHITE girl - ROCKING some Christina Aguilara like it was her JOB!!  I mean - NObody can karaoke Christina - but this little 12 year old brought down the house!!!

We witnessed a "Hairy chest contest" that was not fit for public TV....  3 girls judged.... the men had to dance with the first girl, let the 2nd girl feel the "hairy", and the 3rd (the grandma from the crowd) sniffed their armpits.... oh YES she did!!!!!!!

I could go on and on....
but you get the idea.
FUN was to be had by all!
And there is NO such thing as embarrassment.... our cruise director and assistant held nothing back!!!  

All in all....... our ship was AWESOME!  Our cabin steward was fantastic.  (his name was Alexis, but he said we could call him "Allstate" - cause we're "in good hands"   I called him ALLSTAR!  lol).   Food was good.  Beaches were gorgeous.  Weather was perfect.

a MUCH MUCH needed fantastic vacation.

Here's one of our pet towel animals "Allstar" left each night  :)

Have a great week!

Bon Voyage Caribbean
Hello real life!

VayCay!!!!

IS IT FRIDAY YET????

Yes - I KNOW I just got back from California,  and it was awesome!

and I am soooo soooo lucky I got to go!!

BUT that was for work....

(wait - I didn't share those pics - did I?  I must do that!!!  It was on my bucket list!!)

*sharing my pics is not on my bucket list - going to California was... duhhhhhhhh*

NOW.........

It's time for vacation!!!

For REAL this time!!!!

Up until this last year - I feel like part of me has been "in school" my entire life!!!!  I finally finished, then went back to school for ultrasound, finished ultrasound school and went straight to work.  No time to play!!!

And even though I finished school and got a FABULOUS job  - I STILL study for Boards!!!  (it never stops!)

so.....Next week is my time to play - FINALLY!!!!!

no thinking....... just playing...... and enjoying the carefree life of the island with the man I love by my side!  (WHAT?!!!  Did I say that out loud??!!)

Baby boy will be at home for this one...... he gets his island after graduation... right after he gets his college acceptance letter!!!! 

Shortly after I return from my island getaway - my baby boy will begin his senior year.... and I definitely need to decompress before THAT reality hits home!!!!  WOW.  His senior year.   I have lots of FUN planned for him for that last year... but that is also going to be combated with some HARD work on his side.... preparing for college!!!  OH MAN - I don't even like to say it..... scares me to death!

ANYWAY.......

Bring on ONE MORE work day so I can pack up and head out!!!!!

I will be flying down to Miami to spend a couple of days... and then setting SAIL on Monday for the BEAUTIFUL.... "oh how I've missed you" .... CARIBBEAN!!!!!!!

Can't wait!!!!!!

I'll be sure to share the wonders of the Caribbean with you all  :)

Bon Voyage!!!!!!!!   (soon......... so very soon!!!)

Hold on to FAITH...

What about the days when the best you can do is scrounge change from the couch cushions to buy your baby boy a 40 cent canned coke from a coke machine that you have to walk down the street to get to?

What about when you get in your car to head to work and the gauge is on E... and you pray the whole way that you make it... cause you literally don't have $1 for gas??  and then you pray for at least $10 in tips that day so you can get home?

What about the day you go in for work and are told you no longer have a job because the place is closing down??

What about the day you finally sit down and collapse realizing your life has become a joke.. Everything you had hoped and dreamed of is nothing but a puff a smoke blown away?

What about the day you have to take a cab to work.... but first you have to take the cab to daycare to drop off your child... because you no longer have a vehicle??

What about when you sit down to pay out your bills and you realize - your income vs your outflow just doesn't add up?

How about realizing your almost half way through life, you hate your job, you're alone... and basically heading no where... THIS is what your life has become??

What about ALL those nights you have cried yourself to sleep because no matter how HARD you try, no matter how many GOOD decisions you think you make, no matter how many TIMES you pray.... all you can do is look up to heaven and wonder....
"Dear Lord why have you forsaken me??"  
Or even worse, "God - are you even there???"

Have you been there?
Do you ever just wanna throw your hands up and just GIVE UP?
Do you know that heart breaking, gut wrenching pain??!!
I do.
I could go on and on with scenario after scenario.... of days when I thought I couldn't look for tomorrow.  Days when I felt that I had literally failed in life.  Days when I was ashamed that my child had ME to look up to... me, a failure to be his role model.  And even worse, those days when I thought there couldn't be a God and if there was - he sure didn't care about me!!!

But here's the good news.

HE IS THERE - and HE DOES CARE!!!!!!

And although I felt like I failed time and time again.... HE was right there beside me, crying with me.  Holding my hand.  Carrying me when I could no longer walk....
Watching me try... watching me fall and picking me up... watching make good decisions and watching me make bad ones.  But never judging and never forsaking me....

Do you know how I know this?

I know this because ALL those trials and rough times I went through... all those tears and heart aches... they ALL, every single one, brought me right where I am today.
And I have a new perspective.
You see - there were days when I didn't know how I would pay my bills.  There were many things I lost and many things I did without through those years....  I swallowed alot of pride.
BUT - I can look back now and know - even through all of that - God was taking care of me.
I worked hard, I gave everything I was capable of giving, I took care of my baby boy and made sure HE was always fed and clothed and most importantly LOVED.

And I see now - God was taking care of us both.

ALL of those paths I walked down... the twists, the turns, the backflips.... they all added up to where I am and WHO I am today.

And for that reason - I know my God is real.  I know he has sheltered and protected me from many things.  Even on those days when I thought it couldn't have gotten any worse, perspective shows me that YES - it could in fact be worse!!!

I kept my head up, kept praying and kept trusting that God had a plan bigger than me.
And from where I sit today - his plan was way more perfect than anything I could have done on my own!!

Ask me if there is a God
Ask me if he is real
Ask me HOW I, a single mother on my own at 19.... got through school, raised an awesome young man, bought my own house, paid off a vehicle and now go to work every day to a job I love surrounded by an awesome group of co-workers!!
And ask me about being loved and surrounded by the best family and friends and boyfriend that a girl could ask for......

Go ahead....... ASK ME!!!!!!

It may have taken years for me to fully understand it....
but
I.  Am.  BLESSED!

My God is good!

Just step back and REMEMBER

Ladies  - this is for you.....
Actually - you know what - it's not just women.... it's for anyone who's ever had their heart broken.

Not JUST because you had your heart broken - but more because you loved someone so much that you lost yourself somewhere along the way.  It's for anyone who has actually gotten to the point where you look in the mirror and you don't even recognize yourself anymore.

Someone once asked me if I knew the definition of insanity.  That person asked me that because he was implying that I was insane!  Or acting insane anyway.  To clarify, in this situation,  insanity was described to me as doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
At the time, I took GREAT offense to this statement.
I mean - he was essentially implying that I was insane.  Stupid.  Dumb.  Not smart enough to make good decisions.
Well - the fact of the matter is..... if we are honest with ourselves, we can ALL look back in our own lives and see moments of insanity.
I wasn't ready to SEE that... much less admit it.

But the fact is - call me crazy if you will - but I am now THANKFUL for those moments of insanity.  You see... it's those moments of insanity that not just LEAD us to the right path - but KEEP us on the right path.
You know what I mean....
You've finally turned a corner... things seem to be looking up.  And then the phone rings... or a text comes in... or a name is spoken.  And for just a second - you step back and wonder "WHAT IF....."
INSANITY ensues.....
Take a minute
.....and a big deep breath
and REMEMBER those moments of INSANITY!!!!!!!
LEARN from them - don't re-live them!!!
Remember how you saw yourself in the mirror during those times.   Or better yet - remember how you DIDN'T see yourself in the mirror.
Remember how all your priorities and goals changed... remember that you laid down and let someone else make all your choices for you.
Remember that you let someone CHANGE you.... and not for the better.
Remember that you became the person that you are NOT.
REMEMBER.

Remember those times and people who took your "you" - and don't let them or anyone else ever take "you" again.
It's not who you are that holds you back.. It's who you think you're not!
Don't allow someone else to make you second guess what you know to be "you"!

Life teaches us lessons every day.

I have learned many through the years....
I have had friends come and go....  Some I learned from - and some that hopefully learned from me.
At no point do I ever want to invite back any of those friends who made me lose sight of who I am and what I am worth.

Surround yourself every day with people who smile.... people who make you smile.... people who know your value and aren't afraid to tell you and appreciate you.... surround yourself with LOVE!  Give it - and accept it when it's given in return.

Above all else.......

Keep on dreaming..... even at the risk of it breaking your heart!

It's those moments that keep us on the right path.

It may seem intolerable now - but TIME changes perception!

look how far we've come...

I know it's been a while since I posted...
My life has been crazy busy!!!!
And although a million times I have thought - OH I should blog about that.... I just haven't sat down in some time and just poured my soul out...
(and I do miss that!)
I've started to do so several times - but could never get through the actual finishing part.
It's like there are sooo many things going on - I'm not sure where to start, or what to share first!!!

So I'll start here.
I sat back today in AWE of  how far I have come over the past year....  MY oh my... how MUCH has changed!!!  It's amazing really.  Truly!
And I'm so very thankful for where I am.
I am absolutely IN LOVE with every aspect of my life right now  :)

Today - I pulled my blog up and looked at what I posted ONE YEAR ago... just one year.  OH - it's a good one!  It made me smile  :)
Even though things were falling apart at this time last year in my life... in EVERY aspect - it makes me smile to look back and read that while my life was essentially falling to pieces in front of my eyes, I remained strong and determined.  And it makes me smile even more that I know I get my strength from my mother - she is the strongest toughest person I know  :)
She truly is my epitome of tough love and WHY it is soooo important with your children!!!
"Don't put your children at a disadvantage by giving them everything!"
how VERY true!!!
Make them strong... show them real life - not a life of coddling and sheltering so that they believe that everything that they do is OK.  It's not.   "awwww, that's just Joe...." is NOT an excuse to get you through life!  It does NOT make what you do ok!!!  It does not give you permission to use and abuse people over and over again and be "excused" out of it!!!

Here is my blog from last year
Leave the Light on

This time last year - although I was FINALLY finishing up school (which was one of the hardest things I have ever done!), I was also coming to terms with a failed marriage.  I was coming to terms with the fact that I had married a man who was never what he claimed to be.  I was experiencing the most devastating thing imaginable - being betrayed, in every manner possible, by someone who vowed to love me forever.  And realizing, I was not the first NOR the last to have fallen into this trap.
I was hurt.
And I blamed myself.
For I did everything in my power (ultimately giving it to God) to hold my so called life together.

Turns out - just one single year later, my life has come full circle.  Every single hope and dream and goal has come or is coming to fruition.
A failed married, deceit, regret, lost hope, and many other negativity's are left to my past.
Although where I went back then and believing in what I believed in may have been a mistake, I took the punch, learned from it and walked away with my head held high.
Yes I am "divorced"
Yes that hurts to say....
but now I can look back and KNOW that it would have been NO better to STAY with a man who never loved me to start with.
Saying you love me is not enough.... to truly KNOW someone loves you, you must see it in their actions.
I DO know the truth now!

Life has definitely moved forward.
Sure there have been bumps and bruises along the way.... but all in all, I could not be any happier with where I am right now... and with the people that are in my life and with the people that are not!
It IS hard to move forward in life when someone insists on constantly holding you back!
Let go of negative people in your life....
"If your presence can't add value to my life - your absence will make no difference"

Easy to see when you walk away that the rut they are in will continue to be the rut in which they will live... over and over and over.....

I am proof positive that even though life may look dim and dismal and you may want to give up or live in disappointment with choices you have made or paths you have chosen....
that is NOT the path you have to choose!!!
It IS possible to move forward.
It IS possible to keep turning life into positives.
It IS possible to love and be loved
It IS possible to surround yourself with people who truly love and care about you

IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE HAPPY AGAIN!!!!!!  :-)

Leave the Light on

Mission Impossible

Soooooo - I'm ONLY gonna share this story - because I love my readers and my crap has been WAY too serious lately - so let me just go ahead and throw myself under the bus for ya!

As you all know, I have changed my diet and I have made this big "bet" with my coach about getting visible abs.  So I'm all HARD CORE eating clean... eating healthy... counting calories, adding protein.... drinking water like it's my JOB!!!!
Because when I set my mind to something - it's ON like Donkey Kong YO!!

ALL.  OR.  NOTHING!!!

So tonight - was my first night back in the gym....
it's been.... ummmmmmm - since before I started Ultrasound school since I've really hit a gym hardcore with a goal in mind.

This is ALSO a different plan than I have ever been on before....
BUT I trust my coach, he has a plan.... and for ONCE in my life I'm trying REALLY REALLY hard to follow instructions and trust someone else!!!  (ya know - besides my ol' trusty Miss Independent... the one that does things MY way on MY time!)

Anyway - I trust in Coach B - so I'm ALL HARD CORE FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS!!!!!!

So let's start here......
I walk into the gym today - to start LIFTING!!!!!   Not running on a treadmill or jumping rope or doing crunches.... or ya know - those "typical" lose weight exercises that I expect in a gym.
I was instructed that we would be doing:
Bench Presses (not on a machine.... on a bench... with correct form.  I even watched videos on correct form!),
Squats (no - not with some hand weights.... but with a bar - on my BACK.... PS - I hate squats),
and Chin Ups!  (ok - how many girls out there can do a chin up?  on your own?  REALLY??)

So going in - I'm not having alot of faith in ME.   But my coach does - so it's all good.

I trudged my way through the work out  (some things I'm proud of - and some I'm not....)
I'm gonna share my LEAST favorite part.

Anyone who knows me.... I'm a very strong willed hard headed chick.  When I put my mind to doing something it truly is do or die.  I don't like it ONE SINGLE BIT when I try to do something and I can't.
Insert SQUATS.   (did I mention I HATE squats)
But apparently THAT is the single solitary MOST important exercise in the gym...  apparently if you were told you could only do ONE exercise, that should be your exercise of choice.
I HATE THEM!
AND.......... as it turns out - I SUCK at them!!!!!!!
I don't know why.  I tried correct form... I listened, I followed directions.... blah blah blah.... whatever... but I can NOT put the bar behind my back and squat!
So my great little coach improvised and I did front squats.
(which apparently is the backwards way to go about things....... SHOCKER.... when have I ever done anything the right way?!!  LOL)

I somehow trudge through....  3 sets.   Pitiful, but squats nonetheless.

Have you all ever done a squat?
with or without weight in your hands?  on your shoulders?
Whatever....
have you ever done A SQUAT???

My.  Legs.  Equal.  JELLO!!!!!!!!!!!

But in true HARD CORE fashion - I told you I can't STAND it when there is something that I can't physically do.... so me and my hard head came home and watched a "correct squat" video.
And I decided to "practice" my form with a broom.
A BROOM people.....   one single solitary LIGHT ASS broom!

I put it on my back, as though I were holding a bar back there....... with absolutely NO WEIGHT on it.

And I squatted down.


AND I FELL!!!!!!!  

FLAT on my DERRIERE!!!!!!!!!!
Yep.
SURE did!!!!!!!!!!

Not because the broom weighed too much
and not because I lost my balance...
but for NO other reason than my legs are J.E.L.L.O!!!!!!

I could do NOTHING but sit in my bathroom floor in my house all alone in front of the mirror and just freaking laugh my butt off!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOD.NESS.

So now that I have COMPLETELY embarrassed myself for the evening, me and my jello legs are gonna try to take it easy tonight..... no more practicing with my broom.

My poor Coach B!!!  LOL
He must be so proud  ;-)

SERIOUSLY though...  I do have a GREAT coach and he was very supportive and PATIENT with me tonight .....
(I'm a COMPLETE whiny butt when I work out... I don't wanna quit - I just wanna cry about it... and you just have to tell me to shut up and do it...)

All in all - it was a GOOD first work out back in the gym - and I'm totally PUMPED for more!!
I may not have done a CORRECT squat tonight
and I might have just FALLEN flat on my BEHIND in my own bathroom floor....
BUT
I can tell you - that picture up there in my blog - of that chick doing the bench press....
BAD INCORRECT FORM!!!
I DO know that!!!!!!
And I did at LEAST have good form on the bench press!!!

Baby steps.......
Mission Impossible IS possible!!!
Just you wait and see!
(After I find my legs again!!)   :)