Looking Back...... (no Garth.... not YOU)

 

  {{Don't you put that song in my head!!!}


I just looked back at posts from a year ago....
My oh MY how much has changed in one short year and OH the blessings I have in my life!!!

Since I haven't had time to post a Thankgiving "thankful" speech
please allow to somewhat do that now.......

First - go back with me a little.......
One year ago - I fell in love with the man I now call my husband.
Yes that's right....
in less than ONE year....we fell in love and decided we didn't want to go on through life without being a part of each other's forever.
ahhhhhhhhh - weren't things simpler back then?!  LOL


GO BACK and read THIS post from Thanksgiving 2009

In one short - VERY busy..... and did I mention SHORT.... year - I have fallen in love, expanded my family, started ultrasound school (which I am now ALMOST to the half way mark of), quit my job, gone back to waitressing, found some new friends, lost some old ones....   oh the list goes ON and ON and ONNNN!!  But just for one minute, I just want to gloat!
I want to BRAG!!!!
I want to look back at where I was at Thanksgiving last year...... (sooooooo HAPPY) and look how much my life has grown and flourished in just that one short year.

Ain't God GOOD!!!!!!!!

That is all   :)

speaking of Halloween.... I don't wear masks

Someone approached me recently and said "ahhhh.... I love your look tonight.  You're like Rocker Tami"  I'm not gonna lie, it kinda threw me off guard.  I'm sure the look on my face was priceless.  As I stared back at this person, she continued on by saying, "you never know what to expect with you... sometimes your like the quiet innocent girl next door, and sometimes your smokin hot, and tonight your all rocker chic!"
I didn't realize I actually had different "looks"!  LOL

So I got to thinking.......

Thank God I'm finally in my 30's and I can just be ME!  That's it.  I don't wear a mask, I don't pretend to be something I'm not.  I just live my life trying  to do the best I can and help as many people as I can along the way, but in the meantime, trying really hard not to sell out to anyone or anything.  I'm just ME.
I dress how I want.
I act how I want.
I finally know who I am, what I want, what's important in life and the stupid little things that happen that throw existence into chaos... well - they just don't bother me as much as they used to.

I don't have to spend hours and hours trying to maintain some sort of image of who I want people to think I am.  I just am.
Unintentionally, one day a rocker and one day the quiet girl next door.
Because inside aren't we a mixture of them all???

I'm so thankful to be past that point in my life where I need to "fit in" or pretend I like or don't like something just to "have friends"

If only I had known at 14 what I know at 34.
I guess that's the fun in life.
wearing the masks.....
and one day being comfortable enough in your own skin to lay down the masks and just be YOU.
You at your very BEST.
does it get any better than that?!

Loving AND/OR Liking? I'll take BOTH please!!

It's Pour Your Heart out Day

Today - I finally had some time to read some blogs.....not JUST spill my guts and emotions all over the screen.  But when I read this post (over at Things I Can't Say) I have to say... I have been having these feelings too and I'm using THIS post and Shell's courage to therapeutically put this out there too - because something's gotta give.  And THIS is why I started blogging in the first place....To be open and honest - and while trying to be uplifting and sharing my good days... I also need to share the bad.  Because people need to know #1 - they are not alone.  and #2 - people are here for PEOPLE!  Sometimes you give and give and give.......and sometimes, you just NEED.  Period.
God sends us through situations and he sends us people to learn from their situations AND he gives us the ability to share ours  - so that in some way - each and every one of us pay it forward by helping someone else.
So please, bear with me while I pour my heart out...

Tomorrow will be my 2 month wedding anniversary.  TWO MONTHS!!
I can hardly even believe that I have been MARRIED for two months.  It's a miracle really.  That God finally brought me and showed me that there IS someone for me.  That I do have a partner to walk through this crazy life together with.  He showed me that just when I put my faith in Him and trusted Him with my life and attempted to walk on alone, HE showed me that He did have a plan for me.
I found the absolute love of my life.
Preacher T proposed, we were engaged.  Planned a wedding, walked down the aisle, signed a piece of paper and boom - it was done.
And the next week, life began.  We worked on getting T moved in, rearranged my house into "our" house, moved my son upstairs, made a room for his girls..... we went to work, I went to school.  LIFE continued on.

and somewhere along the way...
The person I fell in love with, left...
(NO, not literally)

Now - don't get wrong.  I LOVE this man.  That is NOT what I mean.  I love him with all my heart - and for anyone that knows me, you KNOW I would NEVER walk down an aisle to meet a man that I didn't love with my every being.  And i do.  I love him just as much today as I ever did!!!

But I don't like who we've become....where we have ended up.

And although I have tried to explain this to T time and time again - I'm either not getting through - or I'm CRAZY!!!
Or maybe I'm just a BIG freaking BABY??!
or MAYBE my expectations were too high??

I just feel like 2 months in we should still be in that "newlywed bliss"... no matter WHAT life throws at us!!
And truth be told... I feel like it (the "bliss") ended on our wedding night.  Oh we have moments... and days.... and segments of "bliss" - but here lately - I feel like I'm living with a stranger.
and everyone and everything else is suddenly SO much more important than me.
I got married and took a back seat.
All the hopes and dreams and plans and promises that we talked about for so long have somehow flown out the window.
And somehow for some reason I feel like a stranger in my own life.
My son has moved out.
My husband moved in.
I quit my job.
I started school full time.
I work back in the food industry.
{{scratch that - today I was told my availability with school is not working out for them}}
I no longer make enough money to support myself.
and possibly now, don't have a job

My life has changed SO much in the past 3 months that I hardly even recognize it anymore.  Don't get me wrong, change is good.... and things are GOOD in my life.  God is definitely taking care of us... but some days, when I need more than anything for my best friend to be here with me... he's too busy worrying about other things to realize that I'm changing too.

We promised to always love and cherish each other and ALWAYS ALWAYS put each other first.
I don't know how that got so off track.

How many times can I talk about it and how do I get back to "liking" my husband again.

I do LOVE the man I married
but I sure don't like the stranger I lay down with at night......

{{He's gone all week this week........and although I'm all about some "me time" and I'm fine in my house on my own.... I have never felt THIS "alone" even when I really WAS alone...}}

Things aren't bad... they're just different

When I was a child, I wanted to grow up to be a veterinarian.
That's what I wanted.
I LOOOOVED animals... loved them.  And that's what I thought I could do best with my big ol' heart.
But then I found out that sometimes you have to put animals to sleep.  Sometimes they get sick and they die.  And I couldn't deal with that.
So I changed my mind.
I didn't have the heart for that.

Then I wanted to be a teacher.
But I soon realized that when God was handing out patience, I was in the bathroom.  I have none.  Not meant to be a teacher....
oh yeah - AND I HATE public speaking!  ha ha

moving on......

At some point, I think I got lost.
Forgot what I had to offer or where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do with my life.
I threw away the big picture and just focused on having fun.
I lost ME
So I did what I could do to get by.
Paid the bills, did what I could.
Made some mistakes... and quickly learned from them.
Not such a bad thing..... some jobs and days were better than others
But still at the end of the road - I didn't know who I was anymore.

So - things were different than I expected.
I was still determined to fight my way through and find my way.

Funny thing is:
Today
FINALLY
I have found the job I want.  I'm working towards it and getting closer and closer everyday.
I can't wait to finish school and start.  It's a perfect combination of working with my hands, working with technology and at the same time, doing it with ALL  the HEART and COMPASSION and LOVE that I have to give.
I can't wait.

It's hard and toiling and it takes me away from so many things in my life right now....
BUT...when I step back and take a minute to breathe and take in the big picture - I realize, things aren't bad, they're just DIFFERENT.
And one day, when I'm finished tearing myself apart to be where and WHO I want to be.... someday - I will get to turn around and do nothing but give back.
THAT's me.
THAT's what drives me.
THAT's the me I want to be.

With that figured out (for today anyway) - as a twist (cuz my life seems to be just FULL of them)  - it seems when one thing starts to make sense - everything else gets more confusing.

Things change in relationships.
Things change in families.
Things change at work.
Things change spiritually.
Habits change.
People change.
People SAY they are gonna change.
Goals change.
PATHS change.
 Things change EVERY day.

Turns out life as a whole IS hard and it DOES take work and LOTS of faith and praying.
All of it.
and more often than not - it's "different" than we expected.
some days are harder than others....
and some days I get frustrated because what I thought would be my life.... is not.

It doesn't mean life or things are bad, they are just DIFFERENT.
and we just have to keep fighting our way through...
{{and I SURE have been doing a WHOLE LOT of praying!}}

I don't see me anymore

When I look at you

I don't see me anymore

Just an empty shell

that used to be my home

When you look in my eyes

tell me who do you see

Because the girl staring back

is not who she used to be

There once was a time

when I saw me in your eyes

I was strong, I was good

and together we could face anything

Life has come in and carried us on

and the love that we share and the me that I knew

has changed with the time

leaving just my empty soul-less eyes

The who that we are today

is not the who that we were

Time has marched on

our dreams fade and change

And though there is nothing I can do
but let time take it's course
and let you be you...
The me in your eyes
and the me in the mirror

is not the me that I know
Anymore. 

{{Nothing in this blog is directed at any one person or thing in my life.... just random thoughts and emotions from life... put to pen!  
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by how MUCH life has changed and how quick - that I don't know where I fit, or if I fit AT ALL  ..... and some days, I don't know who I am anymore....}}

Some days you won't - but one day you will...

I haven't shared alot lately.
Life has been kinda crazy.
Up and down
Alot of things have changed in my life and every day seems to reveal a new hurdle in some way.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not in any way saying life is bad.
Life is great... it just depends on who's eyes your using to look at it.
We all fall victim to putting on those glasses that only reveal what's WRONG with our lives.
While there is so much good happening all around me, I also see so many people hurting... confused... sadness... lack of direction.  Just so many things that are unanswered.
Truth is this....
EVERY day we are surrounded by unanswered questions.
And it's not just you... it's me.  It's everyone.
We focus so hard on trying to fix everything and everyone that we forget..... if we would just lay those unanswered questions and problems in God's hands and stop questioning everything  - one day - it will make sense.  And all this unnecessary worry will just be futile.

So - for all my loved ones... friends, family, blogger buddies... everyone in my life questioning life and your purpose and where your going and WHY things don't seem to be going right - I just felt the desire to share...

If you had told me 3 years ago to just be patient... that God was working on me and that he had a plan...
if you had told me 1 year ago that I would meet a man and fall in love and be married in less than a year...
if you had told me that I would married to a preacher...
if you had told me that one day it would be possible for me to be back in school full time...
if you had told me that a career change was in my near future...
I WOULD HAVE CALLED YOU A FOOL!!!


Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Trust in that... it sure does take the burden off of your shoulders and allows you to enjoy every day and see all the things you are truly blessed with.  Take off those jaded, bitter, fix-it-yourself glasses and see your life through God's eyes.  He has plans for us all..... if we would only let him have control.


I read this quote from a pastor's facebook page and I wanted to share it with all of you.

Even if you think it, refuse to speak negative words about yourself: I'm no good; I'm fat; I'll probably lose my job; my health is failing....etc. Spoken words strengthen or corrupt your faith! My friend: you can do all things through Christ. With God, all things are possible. Let the words of your mouth and meditations of your heart be acceptable in God's sight.  Criticizing yourself is as bad as criticizing others. You are a loved child of God. God doesn't make junk.

Also - I posted the lyrics and the video to a song below.  Take time to read them and listen to the song.  Stop focusing on what's going wrong and be thankful for what's going right and what your future holds  :-)


You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

Living and dying with the choices we've made...

My mom fusses at me all the time because I share too much.
She tells me I put too much of myself out there
and share TOO much personal information.
My mother is private.  She holds everything in.
That's just her.

I on the other hand - have only this to give.
Myself.
Life lessons.
Things I struggle with, run from, hide from, deal with and sometimes....even LEARN from.
It's all I've got.

Sometimes, I pour my soul out for only personal therapy...
But then there's that one day, when someone reads something I wrote and says the greatest words I can ever hear....
"I needed to hear that today"
This is why I write
This is why I share.
It's my way of giving back the only way I know how...

So here goes.......

The last few days have been very hard for me.
My son is 15.
yes - those dreaded teenage years.  We are smack dab in the middle of them.

Last week, after weeks of numerous conversations with my son about responsibility and chores and simple "helping around the house" requests... things finally came to a head.

Last week, my son left my house and went to his dad's.

As a little background, I have full custody of my son.  His father and I were never married and after my son was born, I walked away with him.  On my own.  Just the two of us.
It's been that way ever since.
I have fought tooth and nail for 15 years to take care of him and protect him and give him everything and teach him everything that I could possibly imagine to give him a good life and a good foundation to build his own life on one day.
But after the final blow - I suppose he has decided that life with his dad would just be better.

I don't want to get into ALL the details as to what happened.  But the reality is - although nothing is final yet - he wants to go.
A few days ago, he left on his regular visitation night with his dad and just never returned.  When I called after several days - I was told that he didn't want to live with me anymore.
OH - the pain.  My heart broke.
Now - don't get me wrong, this is his father - and after my husband and I sat down with my son and talked, he informed me that he just wants to spend some time with his dad.

Who can fault him for that?

He's a boy.
A teenager who never had a relationship with his father.

But you see........ I only know his father as the man who cheated on me our entire relationship.  The man who cheated on me and ran to strip clubs with his friends while I was at home pregnant.  The man who laid up in our apartment the entire time I was pregnant while I worked every day... up until 2 days before giving birth to my son in order to keep a roof over our head.  The man who could NEVER hold onto a job.... the man who fought against and ran and jumped job to job for as long as I have known him in order to avoid child support.  The man who never offered to help with anything "above and beyond" child support because it's can't cost THAT much to raise a child.
And I have HATED him for that.
 That's the man I know.
And I'm still to this day working VERY hard on forgiveness.

Maybe he's changed.  Maybe he's better now.
I don't know him now.
I only know him as that man.

But all my son knows him as ...  is "dad"
And I will not fight that.

So after another ugly conversation last night - I threw my hands in the air and looked at my husband and said "I'm done. I can not fight anymore."
I.
AM.
BROKEN.

As I lay down in bed last night, heart broken and wide awake, it hit me.
I began this blog talking about my mother...
ironically...
because you see.......
at age 17 - after a long LONG time of fighting with my mother through the "teenage" years, I packed my bags and walked away.  And my mother threw her hands in the air and said
"just go...."
And I went.
All the time hating my mother for "pushing me away"
hating her for "making me mind" and "wanting what's best" and trying to "teach me about life"
I hated her and KNEW that I knew best.
{or so I thought}

I BROKE my mother all those years ago.
And never even realized.
Oh... in time, I knew I had hurt her.   I knew I was wrong.
I knew that I screwed up.

But last night... my mother's broken heart was laid out at my feet... broken and raw.... for me to see clearer than I ever saw before....
And man did it hurt.

So - although I'm struggling with what may be... I know that it's NOT that my son doesn't love me anymore.  I know that he does.
It's just that HE just doesn't know any better than to just be 15 right now.
and as hard as it is and as much as it hurts....
I have to let him walk this road too.

I wanted to share this sweet little nugget from Criminal Minds tonight.
It really hit home with me.

"This isn't what I want - but I'll take the high road

Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson

or because I don't want to walk around angry

or maybe it's because I finally UNDERSTAND

There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept

There are things we don't want to know, but have to learn

and people we don't want to live without - but have to let go."

I did not WANT to know how I hurt my mother - but last night - I LEARNED exactly how hard a heart can really break.  And to know that I did that to someone else just breaks me into pieces.

Please keep my family in your prayers.