Hold on to FAITH...

What about the days when the best you can do is scrounge change from the couch cushions to buy your baby boy a 40 cent canned coke from a coke machine that you have to walk down the street to get to?

What about when you get in your car to head to work and the gauge is on E... and you pray the whole way that you make it... cause you literally don't have $1 for gas??  and then you pray for at least $10 in tips that day so you can get home?

What about the day you go in for work and are told you no longer have a job because the place is closing down??

What about the day you finally sit down and collapse realizing your life has become a joke.. Everything you had hoped and dreamed of is nothing but a puff a smoke blown away?

What about the day you have to take a cab to work.... but first you have to take the cab to daycare to drop off your child... because you no longer have a vehicle??

What about when you sit down to pay out your bills and you realize - your income vs your outflow just doesn't add up?

How about realizing your almost half way through life, you hate your job, you're alone... and basically heading no where... THIS is what your life has become??

What about ALL those nights you have cried yourself to sleep because no matter how HARD you try, no matter how many GOOD decisions you think you make, no matter how many TIMES you pray.... all you can do is look up to heaven and wonder....
"Dear Lord why have you forsaken me??"  
Or even worse, "God - are you even there???"

Have you been there?
Do you ever just wanna throw your hands up and just GIVE UP?
Do you know that heart breaking, gut wrenching pain??!!
I do.
I could go on and on with scenario after scenario.... of days when I thought I couldn't look for tomorrow.  Days when I felt that I had literally failed in life.  Days when I was ashamed that my child had ME to look up to... me, a failure to be his role model.  And even worse, those days when I thought there couldn't be a God and if there was - he sure didn't care about me!!!

But here's the good news.

HE IS THERE - and HE DOES CARE!!!!!!

And although I felt like I failed time and time again.... HE was right there beside me, crying with me.  Holding my hand.  Carrying me when I could no longer walk....
Watching me try... watching me fall and picking me up... watching make good decisions and watching me make bad ones.  But never judging and never forsaking me....

Do you know how I know this?

I know this because ALL those trials and rough times I went through... all those tears and heart aches... they ALL, every single one, brought me right where I am today.
And I have a new perspective.
You see - there were days when I didn't know how I would pay my bills.  There were many things I lost and many things I did without through those years....  I swallowed alot of pride.
BUT - I can look back now and know - even through all of that - God was taking care of me.
I worked hard, I gave everything I was capable of giving, I took care of my baby boy and made sure HE was always fed and clothed and most importantly LOVED.

And I see now - God was taking care of us both.

ALL of those paths I walked down... the twists, the turns, the backflips.... they all added up to where I am and WHO I am today.

And for that reason - I know my God is real.  I know he has sheltered and protected me from many things.  Even on those days when I thought it couldn't have gotten any worse, perspective shows me that YES - it could in fact be worse!!!

I kept my head up, kept praying and kept trusting that God had a plan bigger than me.
And from where I sit today - his plan was way more perfect than anything I could have done on my own!!

Ask me if there is a God
Ask me if he is real
Ask me HOW I, a single mother on my own at 19.... got through school, raised an awesome young man, bought my own house, paid off a vehicle and now go to work every day to a job I love surrounded by an awesome group of co-workers!!
And ask me about being loved and surrounded by the best family and friends and boyfriend that a girl could ask for......

Go ahead....... ASK ME!!!!!!

It may have taken years for me to fully understand it....
but
I.  Am.  BLESSED!

My God is good!

Just step back and REMEMBER

Ladies  - this is for you.....
Actually - you know what - it's not just women.... it's for anyone who's ever had their heart broken.

Not JUST because you had your heart broken - but more because you loved someone so much that you lost yourself somewhere along the way.  It's for anyone who has actually gotten to the point where you look in the mirror and you don't even recognize yourself anymore.

Someone once asked me if I knew the definition of insanity.  That person asked me that because he was implying that I was insane!  Or acting insane anyway.  To clarify, in this situation,  insanity was described to me as doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
At the time, I took GREAT offense to this statement.
I mean - he was essentially implying that I was insane.  Stupid.  Dumb.  Not smart enough to make good decisions.
Well - the fact of the matter is..... if we are honest with ourselves, we can ALL look back in our own lives and see moments of insanity.
I wasn't ready to SEE that... much less admit it.

But the fact is - call me crazy if you will - but I am now THANKFUL for those moments of insanity.  You see... it's those moments of insanity that not just LEAD us to the right path - but KEEP us on the right path.
You know what I mean....
You've finally turned a corner... things seem to be looking up.  And then the phone rings... or a text comes in... or a name is spoken.  And for just a second - you step back and wonder "WHAT IF....."
INSANITY ensues.....
Take a minute
.....and a big deep breath
and REMEMBER those moments of INSANITY!!!!!!!
LEARN from them - don't re-live them!!!
Remember how you saw yourself in the mirror during those times.   Or better yet - remember how you DIDN'T see yourself in the mirror.
Remember how all your priorities and goals changed... remember that you laid down and let someone else make all your choices for you.
Remember that you let someone CHANGE you.... and not for the better.
Remember that you became the person that you are NOT.
REMEMBER.

Remember those times and people who took your "you" - and don't let them or anyone else ever take "you" again.
It's not who you are that holds you back.. It's who you think you're not!
Don't allow someone else to make you second guess what you know to be "you"!

Life teaches us lessons every day.

I have learned many through the years....
I have had friends come and go....  Some I learned from - and some that hopefully learned from me.
At no point do I ever want to invite back any of those friends who made me lose sight of who I am and what I am worth.

Surround yourself every day with people who smile.... people who make you smile.... people who know your value and aren't afraid to tell you and appreciate you.... surround yourself with LOVE!  Give it - and accept it when it's given in return.

Above all else.......

Keep on dreaming..... even at the risk of it breaking your heart!

It's those moments that keep us on the right path.

It may seem intolerable now - but TIME changes perception!

look how far we've come...

I know it's been a while since I posted...
My life has been crazy busy!!!!
And although a million times I have thought - OH I should blog about that.... I just haven't sat down in some time and just poured my soul out...
(and I do miss that!)
I've started to do so several times - but could never get through the actual finishing part.
It's like there are sooo many things going on - I'm not sure where to start, or what to share first!!!

So I'll start here.
I sat back today in AWE of  how far I have come over the past year....  MY oh my... how MUCH has changed!!!  It's amazing really.  Truly!
And I'm so very thankful for where I am.
I am absolutely IN LOVE with every aspect of my life right now  :)

Today - I pulled my blog up and looked at what I posted ONE YEAR ago... just one year.  OH - it's a good one!  It made me smile  :)
Even though things were falling apart at this time last year in my life... in EVERY aspect - it makes me smile to look back and read that while my life was essentially falling to pieces in front of my eyes, I remained strong and determined.  And it makes me smile even more that I know I get my strength from my mother - she is the strongest toughest person I know  :)
She truly is my epitome of tough love and WHY it is soooo important with your children!!!
"Don't put your children at a disadvantage by giving them everything!"
how VERY true!!!
Make them strong... show them real life - not a life of coddling and sheltering so that they believe that everything that they do is OK.  It's not.   "awwww, that's just Joe...." is NOT an excuse to get you through life!  It does NOT make what you do ok!!!  It does not give you permission to use and abuse people over and over again and be "excused" out of it!!!

Here is my blog from last year
Leave the Light on

This time last year - although I was FINALLY finishing up school (which was one of the hardest things I have ever done!), I was also coming to terms with a failed marriage.  I was coming to terms with the fact that I had married a man who was never what he claimed to be.  I was experiencing the most devastating thing imaginable - being betrayed, in every manner possible, by someone who vowed to love me forever.  And realizing, I was not the first NOR the last to have fallen into this trap.
I was hurt.
And I blamed myself.
For I did everything in my power (ultimately giving it to God) to hold my so called life together.

Turns out - just one single year later, my life has come full circle.  Every single hope and dream and goal has come or is coming to fruition.
A failed married, deceit, regret, lost hope, and many other negativity's are left to my past.
Although where I went back then and believing in what I believed in may have been a mistake, I took the punch, learned from it and walked away with my head held high.
Yes I am "divorced"
Yes that hurts to say....
but now I can look back and KNOW that it would have been NO better to STAY with a man who never loved me to start with.
Saying you love me is not enough.... to truly KNOW someone loves you, you must see it in their actions.
I DO know the truth now!

Life has definitely moved forward.
Sure there have been bumps and bruises along the way.... but all in all, I could not be any happier with where I am right now... and with the people that are in my life and with the people that are not!
It IS hard to move forward in life when someone insists on constantly holding you back!
Let go of negative people in your life....
"If your presence can't add value to my life - your absence will make no difference"

Easy to see when you walk away that the rut they are in will continue to be the rut in which they will live... over and over and over.....

I am proof positive that even though life may look dim and dismal and you may want to give up or live in disappointment with choices you have made or paths you have chosen....
that is NOT the path you have to choose!!!
It IS possible to move forward.
It IS possible to keep turning life into positives.
It IS possible to love and be loved
It IS possible to surround yourself with people who truly love and care about you

IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE HAPPY AGAIN!!!!!!  :-)

Leave the Light on

Mission Impossible

Soooooo - I'm ONLY gonna share this story - because I love my readers and my crap has been WAY too serious lately - so let me just go ahead and throw myself under the bus for ya!

As you all know, I have changed my diet and I have made this big "bet" with my coach about getting visible abs.  So I'm all HARD CORE eating clean... eating healthy... counting calories, adding protein.... drinking water like it's my JOB!!!!
Because when I set my mind to something - it's ON like Donkey Kong YO!!

ALL.  OR.  NOTHING!!!

So tonight - was my first night back in the gym....
it's been.... ummmmmmm - since before I started Ultrasound school since I've really hit a gym hardcore with a goal in mind.

This is ALSO a different plan than I have ever been on before....
BUT I trust my coach, he has a plan.... and for ONCE in my life I'm trying REALLY REALLY hard to follow instructions and trust someone else!!!  (ya know - besides my ol' trusty Miss Independent... the one that does things MY way on MY time!)

Anyway - I trust in Coach B - so I'm ALL HARD CORE FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS!!!!!!

So let's start here......
I walk into the gym today - to start LIFTING!!!!!   Not running on a treadmill or jumping rope or doing crunches.... or ya know - those "typical" lose weight exercises that I expect in a gym.
I was instructed that we would be doing:
Bench Presses (not on a machine.... on a bench... with correct form.  I even watched videos on correct form!),
Squats (no - not with some hand weights.... but with a bar - on my BACK.... PS - I hate squats),
and Chin Ups!  (ok - how many girls out there can do a chin up?  on your own?  REALLY??)

So going in - I'm not having alot of faith in ME.   But my coach does - so it's all good.

I trudged my way through the work out  (some things I'm proud of - and some I'm not....)
I'm gonna share my LEAST favorite part.

Anyone who knows me.... I'm a very strong willed hard headed chick.  When I put my mind to doing something it truly is do or die.  I don't like it ONE SINGLE BIT when I try to do something and I can't.
Insert SQUATS.   (did I mention I HATE squats)
But apparently THAT is the single solitary MOST important exercise in the gym...  apparently if you were told you could only do ONE exercise, that should be your exercise of choice.
I HATE THEM!
AND.......... as it turns out - I SUCK at them!!!!!!!
I don't know why.  I tried correct form... I listened, I followed directions.... blah blah blah.... whatever... but I can NOT put the bar behind my back and squat!
So my great little coach improvised and I did front squats.
(which apparently is the backwards way to go about things....... SHOCKER.... when have I ever done anything the right way?!!  LOL)

I somehow trudge through....  3 sets.   Pitiful, but squats nonetheless.

Have you all ever done a squat?
with or without weight in your hands?  on your shoulders?
Whatever....
have you ever done A SQUAT???

My.  Legs.  Equal.  JELLO!!!!!!!!!!!

But in true HARD CORE fashion - I told you I can't STAND it when there is something that I can't physically do.... so me and my hard head came home and watched a "correct squat" video.
And I decided to "practice" my form with a broom.
A BROOM people.....   one single solitary LIGHT ASS broom!

I put it on my back, as though I were holding a bar back there....... with absolutely NO WEIGHT on it.

And I squatted down.


AND I FELL!!!!!!!  

FLAT on my DERRIERE!!!!!!!!!!
Yep.
SURE did!!!!!!!!!!

Not because the broom weighed too much
and not because I lost my balance...
but for NO other reason than my legs are J.E.L.L.O!!!!!!

I could do NOTHING but sit in my bathroom floor in my house all alone in front of the mirror and just freaking laugh my butt off!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOD.NESS.

So now that I have COMPLETELY embarrassed myself for the evening, me and my jello legs are gonna try to take it easy tonight..... no more practicing with my broom.

My poor Coach B!!!  LOL
He must be so proud  ;-)

SERIOUSLY though...  I do have a GREAT coach and he was very supportive and PATIENT with me tonight .....
(I'm a COMPLETE whiny butt when I work out... I don't wanna quit - I just wanna cry about it... and you just have to tell me to shut up and do it...)

All in all - it was a GOOD first work out back in the gym - and I'm totally PUMPED for more!!
I may not have done a CORRECT squat tonight
and I might have just FALLEN flat on my BEHIND in my own bathroom floor....
BUT
I can tell you - that picture up there in my blog - of that chick doing the bench press....
BAD INCORRECT FORM!!!
I DO know that!!!!!!
And I did at LEAST have good form on the bench press!!!

Baby steps.......
Mission Impossible IS possible!!!
Just you wait and see!
(After I find my legs again!!)   :)

Studently speaking...

Friday is upon us - HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!

This officially marks the second week of my lifestyle change
(NOT diet!)

There have been other small changes too....
But by far the most drastic change has been my horrible horrible diet!!!  I'm officially "eating clean".
This will NOT however be the most drastic change in the end...
there is still lots to do!!!!

Over the past two weeks - I have had ZERO Mountain Dew and ZERO sweet tea!!  You have to understand - I am a soft drink / sweet tea JUNKIE!  So for me - this IS huge in itself!!!  I have drank nothing but water for almost 2 weeks!!!!  I mean....aside from the ONE cup of coffee I still allow myself in the AM!! 
I said I was changing my eating/drinking habits, but that in NO WAY made me a better morning person without my coffee!  HA!  I did at least switch to splenda and fat free creamer!  :)

And here's the kicker - it hasn't been as hard as I was afraid it was going to be!
It really is about making smarter choices and PLANNING AHEAD!!!  I am soooo not a planner - but I have done pretty well because I put my mind to a goal and we're going for it!
I have prepared in advance (I mean actually cooked!) something to take and eat for lunch every day since I made this change.   I don't even cook dinner people, but I'm on a mission! 
So let me correct that - I DIDN'T cook dinner..... now I cook in bulk!!!  for lunch AND dinner!!  :)

IT'S ON!!!!


AND - I have lost 5 pounds!!

Don't think I'm trying to get all anorexic on ya.... I'm losing FAT (pounds), in order to gain back MUSCLE (pounds).  It's not the number on the scale as much as it is about transforming your body!!!

And this girl has made a nice little $100 wager with her Coach B about who can get VISIBLE ABS first!!!
I have NEVER had visible abs.....
So this is a BIG GOAL for me.....
But we are pushing each other ....

And next week - I start being PUSHED literally by Coach B in the gym.  Let me just tell you that THIS guy dead lifts for fun!!!  Dude is built.  And strong.   And he's gonna push me till I cry  (it's ok - I gave him permission to do so!!)

And hopefully - my goal... no - NOT hopefully - but MY GOAL IS to have visible abs, FIRST all before coach - and SECOND of all, I would like to sport them around before the summer is over!!!!!!!!!  ha ha
so.....

Here.

We.

Go!

My reward for this week..... what I've been looking forward to all week is.......
Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup flavored protein shakes tomorrow!!!!!!
You see....... it's ALL about PERSPECTIVE!!!!!!!!!!

So I'm giving myself an A+ so far.  Coach is proud of me... SO - I think I'm off to a good start.   Next week starts the physical pushing and transforming!

Hope I keep all A's!!!!!

Anybody wanna journey with me?????  You are all welcome to make a better you!!  :)

I'm feeling kinda "Holey"

I feel a bit "HOLEY" as of late.
What's that you ask?!!
Oh.... mostly just full of holes... voids... pieces missing... like a jigsaw puzzle that people keep stealing pieces out of until you can no longer tell what the picture used to be....
HOLEY!

My son and only child turned 17 this week.  17!!!  That means that this time next year, he will be an "adult" (according to the state of KY - not necessarily according to ME!).  He will be venturing out of my home and off to college and step by step on to his way of discovering himself .... "who he is"... the man he's gonna be.
OH - there are so many swells of pride in me!!  I'm so proud of the man he's becoming.  I'm so proud of his spirit and his heart and his passion and his tender caring nature.  I'm so proud that he WANTS to be something... that he WANTS to go to college.... I'm so proud that he's actually worried that he doesn't know yet exactly what he "wants to be when he grows up".  I'm so proud that he is giving... that he is selfless.... that he genuinely WANTS to do the right thing (though I know at 17 that doesn't always happen!!)   Oh I'm so proud of the man he is growing in to!!!!!
I am lucky!!
I am blessed!
and I am ohhhhhhh so VERY thankful!!

BUT - here's where I get holey......

He's growing up on me......

Then what?!!

So he leaves... he goes off to college.... and it's just me.
I've been a SINGLE MOM for all of my adult life.   That's me.
Tammy the "single mom" and her son Z.  It's who I am.  It's what I know.

And then he leaves.....
And it's just me. 
Tammy. 
Alone.

Now - don't get me wrong - I know that I am still his MOM and there will be different hurdles to cross as he becomes an adult too.  But.... ya know - it's different.
And honestly....
I'm scared
and holey... already.

And it's a year away.

The other part is this:

I often get really sad when i see couples... having their first baby... and I'm doing their first ultrasound.
They are so sweet.... and happy.... and in love.... and doing something together - that frankly - I never had!!
I am VERY happy for my patients... and it overwhelms me sometimes the joy that a couple shares in that moment....
because you see......   I never had that.
...thus the term "single" parent.
Z's dad has been a part of his life and, for the most part - I'm thankful for that.
But he and I were never married.
And I was young....
And alone....
And I did it all myself.  (with the help of a loving family and great friends to keep me sane!)  ha

And while I'm THANKFUL for the strong independent woman I am today....
I guess the shared joy of bringing a baby into this world with your soulmate, is just a blessing that I missed out on....
And as Z walks away from me to stand on his own two feet
I'm left standing....
alone...
closer and closer to 40 and truthfully - physically UNABLE to have another child.
And it becomes more and more of a reality - that once he's gone - my ship has sailed for the husband and the baby and shared joys of ultrasounds and little tiny baby feet and 3 am feedings.

And it becomes more about no longer HAVING a choice
and less about being able to MAKE the choice.

Don't get me wrong.
Life has been VERY good to me.
And I am VERY thankful for all the blessings I've been given... I know that I am unworthy of them all.

But at the same time.... sometimes, I just feel holey.
Today is just one of those days...... or weeks.... or something like that.....

 It's been a while since I've poured my heart out.  Too worried about the people that read my blog that shouldn't......   but whatever.
It's more for the people who do and SHOULD!  :)
So I'm linking up today........

Also - I'm begging you - I DO know that there are women out there that want a baby with all of their being and can't get pregnant.... I understand your pain - I do and I know I'm lucky and blessed to have a child of my own.   Please don't judge me while I'm being all whiny and holey.

 

Motivational Monday ...this is how we (should) roll

"I believe that the definition of definition is reinvention.  To not be like your parents.  To not be like your friends.  To be yourself.   Completely."  Henry Rollins

I read something recently, at the recommendation of a friend. 

(NO - not 50 shades of gray... I already read that.... no one needed to recommend THAT!  ha)

Anyway - it's called The Iron  by Henry Rollins.  (feel free to click that link and read it yourself!)
When I read it - it sent my head into a tailspin!!!  I felt every single word written there!!!

Don't you remember being a teenager.... and gosh there were SOOOOO many expectations... you had to dress a certain way, and talk a certain way, and attend certain parties, and go to certain places, and have certain friends....  I mean the EPITOME of high school was being "just like everyone else!"   So you fit in!!!  My oh MY how high school warps us for real life!!

I tell people all the time, the older I have gotten, the less I care what people think.  And it's true.  I don't NEED to be like anyone else.... I don't need to do anything but be ME!  Now don't get me wrong.  I don't walk around intentionally stepping on people or intentionally hurting people's feelings for the sport of it.  But I HAVE learned as I've gotten older that accidentally hurting someones feelings is the least of my worries!  Now don't get me wrong - we all want to be liked and accepted.  And I'm not telling you to be a hateful old prude with no feelings.....  I'm just saying - be you and be comfortable enough to be that... be at ease with who you are!
Remember.... #1 - no one is gonna take care of me, but ME!  If the bills need to be paid, well I need to keep a job making enough money to PAY the bills.  DUH!!  It is no one else's responsibility but mine.  If someone likes me or doesn't, I still have to take care of me.  And the irony is - I don't have to work at a certain place, or dress a certain way, or go to certain places in order to get that done.  I don't "need" someone else's approval.  It's on me.  Period.
This isn't high school people.
This is real life.

Your best friend isn't gonna be waiting at your locker to remind you how AWESOME you are (chances are the ones in high school that did that were likely talking about you behind your back!)

The reality of life is this - "nothing good comes without work and a certain amount of pain" (Rollins).  Whether it be what you want out of life, what you want in your job, what you want in a relationship, what you want in your family, or what you want out of your mind body and soul.....  good doesn't just appear.  You must work for it.  Sometimes you learn from the BAD in order to work for the good.
It's the circle of life!
And those hard times, those trials, those learning experiences.... the times that push you to the edge and you have NO choice but to keep going...  it is out of THOSE times that you TRULY find WHO you are... WHAT you are made of.... the person that you are deep down inside.  THOSE are the times to be thankful for.....
"I have never met a truly strong person who didn't have self-respect."  (Rollins)
Out of those times, we look back and reflect.... look what you just survived... look what you just came through... and your still standing.  You may have war wounds... there may be scars that stick around forever - but they only serve to remind you just how strong and resilient the human body and HEART truly are!!!!

.... and others will see THAT.   Not who you dress like or who you act like or what you drive.... It doesn't work like that....  when people look at you - they should see the extra pep in your step... the way that you carry yourself... the pride in discovering who you truly are!!
"Strength reveals itself through character"  (Rollins)

As adults, love who you are.... and love what made you who you are.  Don't spend so much time trying to please everyone else...... who cares?!  Hurt someones feelings (not on purpose... that's not what I'm saying)  but stop running around trying to prove something to someone.... stop worrying that you aren't who someone thinks you are.
JUST.  DO.  YOU.
After all - God doesn't make mistakes...... he made you just as you are.
BE.  YOU!!!
and be PROUD of it!!!!

She's the girl that believes what comes around, goes around.  

The one that hopes for a better day.  The one who won't give up on you.  

She's the girl that's unlike the rest.  

The one that spent her days smiling and her nights crying.  

She's the girl that would love to be loved.  

The one that looks so dang strong, but feels so dang weak.  

She's the girl that picks herself up every time she falls.....