Friday, January 27, 2012

I've been working out...

and I didn't even know it!!!  HA!
(that's the BEST way to work out BTW!  :)  hee hee)

I read something tonight...  I have come across it before and I just absolutely LOVE the quote.

"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Then someone (who shall remain nameless... Raphael - LOL) made the mistake of asking me my thoughts on this little string of words...  OOOOPS!  (ha ha)  you guys KNOW I can't keep my mouth shut when asked...

So... here's what I'm thinking...
And you know that the obvious implication is not to what I am referring. 

Yes yes... working out at the gym (when done right!) induces pain.  The pain makes you physically stronger meaning "weakness" is leaving your body - right?!!

Well - you know I can't leave it at that.

Let's look a little deeper.
Our hearts too are one big muscle!  And a pretty amazing muscle at that.  We all know without it pumping, we could not continue living.  So we need to take care of that muscle.  I guess it needs a little exercise too!
Not just physically - but emotionally.

Think back through your life at the hardships you have faced.
Broken hearts.  Loss of a loved one.  Family feuds.  Loss of a job.  Divorce.  Failure.  Sickness. 
Many many different heartaches that we all face.  All custom tailored to each of us.
When you've been hurt or let down or disappointed, and you feel at your absolute worst, the pain is HORRIBLE!!  Think of that first blow.  The first word of bad news.
It's gut wrenching.  You think you will never breathe again... or get out of bed.... or leave your house.... or date again.... or try one more time to have a baby....

But then a little time passes.... and then a little more......
And slowly but surely, your body begins to recover.  Your heart starts to heal... a little at a time.  Recovering and getting past that weakness... That hurt.

The pain and the weakness slowly disappear.
You stand a little taller ..and a little prouder ..and a little stronger!
And now you bare a scar to remind you not just of the pain, but that you lived through it and came out a stronger and better person.
A little more prepared for that next punch to the gut.
The next time... you will recognize the pain as weakness leaving your body.  And you will be thankful that you've been here before and you are strong enough to handle it a little easier this time around.

So the pain you endure IS in fact, the weakness leaving your body.... You're healing!!
just like working out..  Life is training your heart to be stronger, just like you train your muscles!

I'm gonna live to be TWO HUNDRED AND TEN!  I must have the most scarred but strongest heart around!
And I'm thankful for every beat... and every scar.... because I know there isn't much that life can throw my way that me and God can't handle 

I'm strong because I have suffered pain.

Monday, January 23, 2012

The layover...

It's prep time for the journey ahead......

So after my last blog, I kinda tucked my tail and walked away from the blog world.
I received many emails and messages asking me to keep writing....
I love writing... and I love you guys!!  So I wanted to still be here...
But it was like after I blew off steam and signed off that last blog, I closed the door.
And then... even when I WANTED to come back, I couldn't find the door to get back in.
I couldn't find my way back.
I realized, it was because somewhere in all of that fiasco... I lost ME.
I got lost.
I lost my meaning... my purpose... my desire to share.
I felt like I was stuck.

It's like before.... I had been on a plane with a destination and so much to share on the way.  But my plane stopped for an emergency "turbulence" landing... and somehow I got stuck in a layover.  Losing direction.  Not knowing when I could get back on... or HOW!

But tonight - I had an epiphany.
I got an email that made me sit down and relive what I have been through over the past few years.  And rethink all of the things I have shared.
And I realized..... I have come a LONG way!!!!!!!!

And today - where I sit.... although I have been confused, and felt I had somehow lost myself and lost my way - TODAY I realized...
I am NOT lost.
I have NOT lost my way
I still have direction.
But something HAS changed!!

I read this:
"To be truly victorious, you must grow to the place where you're not afraid of hard times, but are actually challenged by them."

I still have hard days.  I still have days where I don't understand.
The difference is, they don't stop me in my tracks anymore.
I still have bills, and a teenage son (ha ha) and problems that come with every day life.
People will talk... they will always talk.
But what I have realized is  - not me, but GOD is bigger than ALL of that!
And I think I finally have a peace.
A peace that I cannot explain.
But I stopped worrying.
I stopped trying to defend myself to people who I owe nothing to.

I am no longer AFRAID of hard times... I look FORWARD to the challenge!

There are many many goals that I want to accomplish on top of what God has already brought me through.
I will write a new bucket list and hold myself accountable.
But I'm not SCARED of the list.

It's time that I stop during my layover and give thanks for EVERYTHING that God has brought me through.  Not just in the past few weeks, or the past year, or the past two years....... but my God has carried me for YEARS!!!
Many times when I didn't deserve it - he never let me down.
And I stand where I stand today because of that.
I am thankful
and I look forward to what He holds in my future.

And even more importantly - after the email I received tonight - I see HOW God truly does use me on a daily basis and I am very grateful for the person who shared her story with me tonight.  Thank you JR for sharing and being honest with me.  Thank you for reminding me that God uses us all in some way every day.  Thank you for honoring me with your trust... 
Though you may think God doesn't have a purpose in your life and that he can't use you... I am PROOF today - that he is!  :)   So thank you

I will continue to blog - and those who choose can continue to walk along this journey we call life with me.
I make no promises that toes won't get stepped on or that feelings won't get hurt
On your side OR mine!
But I do promise to always be here..... to always be honest.... to always listen when needed and give advice when asked..... and most importantly pray  :)

Be thankful for life's layovers.... when everything is calm and you feel lost and you aren't sure which direction to step or when....
For it is in those times that God is preparing you for something big.
and Wait..........

Saturday, January 14, 2012

You've got enemies?!!

Good - at least you know you stood for something...

Ya know...
I started this blog years ago.
I started it as a sort of way to vent... a way to deal with life and all the ups and downs.... all the unanswered questions.... all the cross-roads we encounter.
And as I walked along the journey of my blog - I got emails and comments from people that said Thanks for what you are not afraid to say....
So my blog transferred from being just a personal therapy place for me, and slowly began to be a place where I talked about life and heart ache and heart break, and it somehow helped people out there in the blogosphere!

I said from the beginning that my blog would be honest and forthcoming - and you could choose to either love it or hate it.  And some days, I might just step on toes.  But it's nothing personal towards anyone.  And the beauty of it is this...... if your offended or you don't agree - feel free to NOT come back!
No one is forcing you to read.
And if you have a question or an opinion, feel free to voice it HERE and I will address it.  Don't go talking about it behind my back!

So here goes.......

Over the past year - I have gone through some pretty tough stuff.  I have been mostly quiet about it because it is never my intent to go out into the world and publicly humiliate people.
I have been lied to, cheated on, betrayed, manipulated..... just flat out HURT.
And mostly I have kept my mouth shut.
I've tried to remain positive and hold on to the ONE thing I believe in - and that happens to be a God that I gave my heart to years ago.

I have been divorced now for 1 month.  (as of it being final).  Granted - he left months before that point, and his heart was gone long before even that ..... but the actuality of it is - ONE MONTH.
Does it still hurt sometimes?  sure.
Do I still today look back at times and wonder if there was something I could have done different?  absolutely.
But the truth of the matter is - every day someone else tells me something that he's done or is doing that reassures me that I'm better in the long run.  So as much as I struggled with being divorced and accepting that, it's like every time I get low or scared or confused, God sends me someone else to remind me what path my ex-husband has chosen and I know that I could NEVER walk that path of decisions.
In short - my God saved me.

So anyway - through all that.... the questions, the hurt, the insecurities..... everything that comes with being totally manipulated and fooled.....
through all that
I have tried to be the bigger person and I've tried to be a Christian in my actions.

BUT - over the past few weeks, I have been in some respects attacked.  By several.  In many ways.  Attacked for my religious beliefs, attacked for being a hypocrite, heck I've even been told I am no longer a good example for a child to look up to.
Oh yes - that's what I was told.

Now granted - some of this comes from the rambling of some crazy girl whom I don't even know.  She commenced to seeing me have dinner with a male friend of mine (of whom her best friend apparently has some disillusioned idea that they are dating) and accused me of being a homewrecker and a slut!  So that stuff, that goes in one ear and out the other. 
But here's what bothers me......

My character has been attacked.
My BELIEFS have been attacked.
People have come onto my blog, a place that I truly believe God has used in many many ways - and they have totally judged me and questioned my beliefs and my actions.
People have come onto my facebook and scoured through looking for things to throw up in my face.  Or things to "judge" me for.

As much as this pains me, I'm considering shutting down my blog and possibly my facebook.
Not because I'm ashamed and not because I don't still believe in what I do.
BUT - when people start twisting my words or judging pictures or locations where I might be... when they start twisting those things to make me out to be a hypocrite or make a MOCKERY of Christianity or my God...  well I just can't condone that.

The things that I try to use for good - are being twisted and used in a way that I'm not ok with.
And I don't know how to stop it.

Thoughts?!   Feelings?!  Opinions?!!!

“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.” -Jackie Robinson

Monday, January 9, 2012

You're nobody till your somebody's TOPIX!!

It's like I'm famous or something.........

Ohhhhhhh - the things I would love to share with you!!!
I've learned many MANY things over the past few weeks...
But the greatest news is this....
I've made it
to the BIG time...
I'm famous..

Apparently the world has gone to POT and has nothing better to do than discuss little ol' me!  ha ha

My past, my present, and apparently someone is SOOOOOO intrigued by me that they have commenced to essentially stalking me to post my whereabouts!

That's right!
I'm like a STAR or something!!!!!!!!
ha ha

Have you all heard of the stupid website Topix?
Well - it is essentially a place where people go to remain nameless and spread useless gossip.  Or talk about and slander people for reasons that are BEYOND my understanding!

Well - this weekend - I discovered my name on this lovely website!
Two different feeds!
How awesome am I?!!!!

Someone has actually stalked me in local establishments and posted my whereabouts and made some strange accusations about my "personal life"
It's AMAZING what you can learn about yourself on the interwebs!  ha ha haaaaaa

Well - anyway - the posts are REMOVED.
I reported them (as did the other person slandered in the post)
BUT - I just wanted everyone to know that you have been graced by the presence of a "STAR" today!
Yes you have now brushed arms with someone who's SOMEONE!

Don't go runnin over to Topix to read about me either.
The entire thread has been removed.
And IF that crazy girl decides to start up another post - I DO know who she is and trust me, I DO know how to have this taken care of.
Next time, the harassment won't JUST be reported to Topix - there will be more involved!

Have a GREAT Monday!  :)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Dating? what? how?!! WHY!!!

I found this online, I think someone posted it on facebook.   But as I read it, I thought back about relationships I have been in and I SWEAR I thought to myself at least 40 times that if I could go back in time, I would smack me in the face!!!!!!!

So anyway - I thought I would share... single, married, dating, it doesn't matter - it's good advice for us ALL!  And although it's mostly written to women, the same principles apply to either side  ;-)

(I added some comments of my own to some!  your welcome!)

If a Man Wants you....

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.  (Not a ring, not vows, not even the threat of getting caught - if they don't truly LOVE you, nothing can/will make them stay... faithful anyway!)

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.  (If it's wrong - it's WRONG.  Period!  Some things are NEVER ok!  Don't let him manipulate you into thinking it is.)

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.  (your gut is usually right... trust it!) 

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.  (As a matter of fact, only surround yourself with people who inspire you to be BETTER!)

Slower is better. 

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.  (And don't expect to be happy with someone who isn't already HAPPY with themselves.  You can't MAKE anyone BE happy and it's not your JOB to do so!)

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as a deserve, then heck no, you can't "still be friends".  A REAL friend wouldn't mistreat a friend in the first place!  (don't give someone more reason to believe that what they did was OK!  Especially without an apology!) 

Don't settle.  If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better".  You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.  (thinking that things are bad just because your in a tough situation is not true... if you can't work together through the rough patch, you'll never survive to the good times... Life is as easy as you make it!  Don't make excuses for why the other isn't happy - they make a choice too!) 

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.  He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.  (there are certain things you should never NEVER tolerate.  Know this going in and don't ever give someone reason to believe there are no longer boundaries!)

If something bothers you, speak up.  (I used to think this was shaky ground to tread, but the truth is - if the love is real, it doesn't matter HOW or WHY something bothers you - IF IT DOES, it should be respected.  No matter how trivial or ridiculous it might seem to the other.)

Never let a man know everything.  He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior.  Change comes from within.  (this reaffirms as previously stated, if he acts one way, don't think it will get better or that you can change him.  HE has to want to be different, above and beyond anything else.  If he doesn't care - you can't care for him.)

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.  Do not make him into a quasi-god.  He is a man, nothing more nothing less.  (and likewise, don't treat him less than yourself either, making yourself a quasi-god!)

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord!  If he cheated WITH you, he'll cheat ON you.  (sadly... 99% of the time - the old saying is true "once a cheater - ALWAYS a cheater!"  If a man didn't respect a relationship/marriage before, what makes you think he will respect yours!)

A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.  (If you let him get away with it ONCE, TRUST ME he will try it again... and again... and again... and as many times as you let him get away with it)

All men are not dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two-way street.  (It's not about winning arguments, it's about making each other happy.  making sacrifices.  Compromise.  VITAL!!!)

You need time to heal between relationships... There is nothing cute about baggage.  Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to complete you.  A relationship consists of two whole individuals.  Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.  (relationships, especially marriage, is NOT 50/50 - it's 100/100.  You BOTH must be willing to give it your ALL... Granted some days one will give more or less than the other - but you HAVE to be willing to give it 100!)

Dating is fun; even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right (There is NOTHING wrong with kissing boys! ha)

Make him miss you sometimes.  When a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.  Keep him in your radar, but get to know others.

Most importantly in my book, if you find yourself miserable, not loving life and everything in it... if you find yourself constantly questioning and analyzing... well - it's time to question your relationship.  We are meant to enhance each other in relationships.  If he doesn't make you feel better about who you are and you don't see him trying to be better for you - then honey - LOVE is not enough!!!!

Good Riddance 2011

Yeah yeah yeah........
Midnight came and went.
The ball dropped.
The world didn't come to an end.
I'm still here and it's 2012 now.
Big Whoop!
What big phenomenon happened at the stroke of midnight that was sooooo life changing?

My friends were all out celebrating with their significant others
My brothers with their wives.
My son out with his friends.
ALL as it should be.

Yeah - I went out with some friends.  And I had a great time.
But the clock struck midnight and everyone kissed and embraced and thanked God for the year that passed and the year to come and for the loved ones in their lives!
ME?  I just sat there alone and watched the ball drop.
Again.  Big Whoop!

I'm not a pessimist.
I'm not.
I know 2011 brought me GREAT things.  (I finished school.  I got a job.  I passed my boards.)
BUT right now - I swear all I can do is look back over 2011 and think the BIG thing I brought out was that BIG FAT LABEL on my head......... "DIVORCED!"
it's like the Scarlet Letter!

Thanks 2011
Thanks for showing me a big flat slap in the face!
Thanks for reminding me tonight that I am alone going into 2012.
thanks for also reminding me that my HUSBAND, the man I committed to love and cherish till death do us part has moved on and is ALREADY dating someone else.
Thanks for also reminding me that the person he is DATING now - he "JOKED" (and I use that term loosely) about TO ME.... while we were married - saying he was going to ask her out!  YES.  to my face!
Big fat joke right?!!!!!!!!

Thanks 2009 for bringing him into my life.
Thanks 2010 for the wedding
and thanks 2011 for showing me what a lying cheating disrespectful unfaithful man looks like up close and personal!!!!!!!!!

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bring on 2012
I hope you have something better to offer!

I"ll look at the good things in my life tomorrow.
Tonight - I'm just gonna be bitter.